Proving myself

Yesterday but long after I finished the blog entry, T's family arrived and at once my mask slipped into place. There were times when it was hard but more because of depression than panic. I had no meds and I stayed calm all day even eating. I scared myself at times. Realising I wasn't faking the smile on my lips, they were real smiles and I was having fun.
In the evening T and Angel went out with them the a big meal but I just knew I wasn't up to going so I stayed home and cried and did housework. I felt so alone when I should have been with my family. They had a great time though. Throughout the day they all kept coming back to the move and our visit which should be middle of January. I kinda felt a bit like everything was being planned and i didn't even know yet, yes I decided that we would move there but every time the idea settles into place, my mind fills up with doubts and fears and I talk myself out of it again.

Last night when Angel was asleep in bed we decided to have a TV night. It would have been lovely and relaxing if I hadn't accidentally completely ODed on caffeine. We knew id had a lot but looking over the ingredients and things today, I had far far more than we first thought.
It was horrible. I had major shakes, my temperature was sky high, my heart wouldn't stop racing and my metabolism kicked up causing hunger pangs and nausea even after I ate. I didn't feel like I could breathe and I couldn't see properly or walk. Scary, very scary. I don't think it would have been so bad if I wasn't exhausted from not much sleep the night before.

Today I woke up okay and after much worrying, a quarter of a loraz and a bit of aconite we went to some shops to pick me up some scales for the kitchen. I was terrified but I persuaded myself out of the car and into the shop. I felt bordering on normal thanks to loraz. I went round that shop then T took Angel to the car to move it, I surprised him by saying that I would walk the whole way across the retail park. I did fine, I went in shops and then the biggest challenge of all; T suggested we eat lunch out. I again was very worried and unsure but I went in and focussed on Angel. I ate a meal out in public.

The plan for the afternoon was to tidy and pack some of the house. First though we took puppy out for a walk, straight after lunch! We walked a long route and he was well behaved.