Nothing

I don't know what to do. 

The holiday we had was one of the best weeks of my life if not the best. 

I know I booked it as a form of escapism, knowing that T would be with us 24/7 throughout the whole thing which would mean if there was illness and there was a bit; T would take the brunt of it. 

I was dreading Monday when he went back to work and although shaky and scared I managed it. Yesterday we spent most of the afternoon outside playing and then today started well. Angel was at playgroup and I was helping my brother in law, and sister in law put up our tents and set up camp. We were going to start our weekend early and go out to call tonight. It was all going well, I was happy, Angel was happy. 

Then she started coughing and was sick. Minus the coughing once it started the experience felt like it went on for a long time. My sister in law and dad in law were there helping and I did well for Angel. 

Then I fell and I haven't spoken much since. I just don't have the energy to bother talking or doing much other than being curled in a ball. 

I was waiting for it to happen but even I didn't expect it to be this soon. I don't know what we've done wrong, this phobia is trying to kill me and I wish it would just succeed. I've had enough if trying, of getting last an experience to have yet another. 

I've through of many ways to end it and stopped no one that I haven't really given much consideration to before. I know I have what I need here, there's a garage full of things, I will have my pick. 

I've thought about packing my bags and waking away. Just going off the radar for a while but what will that achieve in the long run? Nothing. 

I can't do this any more. 

Tired

I'm so angry with myself, I'm really writing this right now so that I don't go and hurt myself to punish myself. I don't know why I'm bothering.
I just can't keep up with all of this, I thought a holiday would help but it only gave me a vacation from myself.

I shouldn't be complaining, I'm doing everything I said I wanted to do. I wanted to open a shop and run it, well I am and I'm getting orders nearly every day, but I'm so stupid I get stressed and mess it all up so I end up going through twice the amount of materials and then the work isn't as good as it should be. It also takes a long time to make things, photograph them right and advertise them as well as maintaining the shop and everything else, easy peasy for a single person with no commitments. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

I said I wanted to be an author, well I am, but I can't keep up with the writing, I don't get time just to get into it and lose myself, I've barely written a chapter in weeks and it's clunky and not flowing how it should be, it isn't the ideas, those are there in spades, it's the time and the headspace.

I wanted to be a mum, well here I am, I try my hardest even though I hate how she behaves like her stupid cousin, and I'm terrified constantly of her getting ill. My hardest isn't good enough, that's the problem everything.

I enjoy cooking, I get to cook almost every night and every lunch time, sometimes just for me and Angel, sometimes for me, Angel and T and other times for a lot more people. I struggle to get everything cooked to the best of my ability and on time just lately.

I wanted to be a housewife, I am, but today I haven't even finished my jobs list. I have things backed up and everyday brings new jobs that need doing on top of those I've been too lazy to do.

I wanted animals, I have plenty of those, but cleaning them out and feeding them etc all falls to me and I don't seem to spend as much time with them as I would like, slow, lazy.

Excuses excuses, these things should be done and done well if not nearly perfect but at the moment, I am constantly hyped up with everything going on in my mind but I just can't seem to keep up with it. I just wish I could run away and stay in a hotel alone for a week, just leave everything behind and have a proper holiday. I can't though because of these responsibilities fall to me and without me everything crumbles. Great now I;m getting big headed too.

I just want to cry, I can't believe it's already 9 and I've spent my whole evening ruining one letter set after another, I've only just taken my first lot of tablets and I've had no chance to sit down and text my sister.

I will go to bed but barely sleep, too busy in my mind with all of the things that need doing, then I will get up and another day will start, ready for me to wreck it and waste it. Maybe I should stop the writing, maybe I should close my shop, after all being a mum, pet owner, wife and housekeeper should come first and I quite honestly don't have time for it all.

A crash back to life *Triggering emeto words used*

Since we got home there have been some rotten experiences such as Angel's demons cousins influencing her and manipulating her to lie. Her behavior has changed as soon as she'd been with them and we just can't wait for them to hurry up and leave, they are making our lives stressful and hard and horrible. It is so unfair on Angel because she looks up to them and wants to do anything they tell her to, but their behaviors rubs off on her so easy and then she ends up getting told off and we all get upset. I hate having this kind of relationship with my Angel, I just want my Angel back.

I was feeling extremely low yesterday as I put all of our packing away, I knew that I had had it better than I ever have before and better than I ever will again. I won't be that person again and I will miss her. I hate this stupid person that I am, I hate that I'm scared constantly, I want to run away and hide from my own daughter, what a fucking shitty mother, and why? because I'm scared she will be sick. It's like a good friend said to me once.. 'Get over it, it's only sick!' she's right but nope, I feel like I'm too weak, too stupid to break this pattern.

We sat outside yesterday evening to see the summer solstice in and I got to spend hours with T, my dog and some family members I care about.
My sister-in-law had been planning a camping trip to have in the field next weekend, just us and our kids and it sounded brilliant, well in the aftermath of the holiday it did but now I'm just small and scared.

T and Angel went shopping this morning and I spent the time answering fans and working on my shop then I had lunch then we went out and yes, I went out after having lunch which is a win but I panicked quite a bit to begin with and wasn't sure if I could do it. I know I had fears on holiday too but I wasn't nearly as panicky. What will it come down to? Will we have to move again and have a new start just so I can continue on this journey of healing? I'm not worth that and I won't ever be.

I have one more day of T support then it is back to the usual, housework, lunches, cooking and fear. Making myself do everything I can so that I can distract my mind from the immense fear.

I just don't 'want' to carry on this way. I don't want to be afraid but I am and I always will.

I'm angry and hurt and it all feels hopeless and empty.

Lost

We're home, we got up early and finished packing up then travelled home after feeding and saying goodbye to all the ducks. 

The drive wasn't great but we all survived it and thankfully it wasn't incredibly long. 

Our dog was all over us when we got back, could clearly tell he'd missed us. 

The animals are all clean and we looked after but unfortunately with the rush I'd been in last Friday morning I hadn't hoovered or sorted the dishwasher so we had lots of jobs to come home to as well as all the unpacking. We're both tired and snappy and Angel is feeling a bit poorly too with her cough and cold. :/ 

Coming back here I don't feel any happiness about it, I just feel what ever. This doesn't feel like home, nowhere feels like home. I'm not sure if its my mood dropping or what but I'm back here and there's nothing, no emotion only 'meh'. There must be something wrong with me, it's the same feeling of not belonging that is what's stopping me from being able to write, or find a place that is a safe, comfy space. 

A week in someone else's shoes

*** warning - disgustingly positive content*** 

I don't know where the 'new me' is coming from but I took Saturday and the triggering events and clawed my way back from it so that Sunday morning I was already back to alright. Not 100% because when am I ever but I was okay and we decided to go swimming in the morning and I had some breakfast, my usual coffee and biscuits (yep crammed full of calories) and took no meds except at usual morning dose of aconite. Swimming is I ally a huge huge scary for me but I got in there, got changed and got angel changed and then got in. Simple as that, no worrying or procrastinating, more than a normal person would but for me, it doesn't count. It was the first time I think in ever that I've been swimming and not had a single panic attack. I was okay, just okay. 

We had some lunch after we came out then we went over to the arcades in the afternoon and angel ended up having a nap so off I went on my own in my teenie royal blue mini shorts, white ballet shoes and stroppy vest and I spent hours just playing on the 2p machines. Despite having had lunch etc I was 'normal'.  Angel and T joined me when angel woke up and we played some more before going for a meal at a nice cafe. I ate not just well but very well and then despite being full, properly full we went for a walk around the funfair, not to go on anything, I'm terrified of all rides and not just emetophobically, I just hate them generally. They are places that cause panic attacks but they stayed away and angel got to look round and we brought some candy letters. I was by this point wearing my bright red thigh length coat over my earlier clothes and it looked suspiciously like I was wearing nothing under my blood red coat, couldn't stop giggling. 

Monday everything turned a little pear shaped, we went out to the sealife centre in the morning and those places scare me, it's one way in and out and no places to hide really. I took half a loraz.. I think, can't remember so well now. We brought our tickets and went in and I felt quite calm once past the coach loads of school children on their school trips. It was very busy because of all the trips and children but I managed to keep calm enough to enjoy myself and Angel and T enjoyed theirselves too.

The way home wasn't nice though, angel and T were both in bad moods and my mood was dropping too. They pair of them peed me off to the point of me asking for the car to be stopped and for them to calm down then we set off again but angel was still moody and daddy obsessed so I got out the car and walked back to the caravan where they had both calmed down and were in much better moods, I however was stuck I'm that frame of mind until I managed to shake it off and eat something for a late lunch. Then I decided we would go out to the lavender farm to have a look around the shops, after feeling poo in the car earlier, I'm not sure where the confidence to get straight back in again came from. :/  The weather was nice still when we got back so we spent the last hours of the afternoon outside playing with Angels new pink spiky ball. It was a juvenile game of kicking and throwing the ball but we all had great fun and it was nice just to be able to do something simple that we all could get involved in. 

Tuesday we went to the beach in the morning and like with everything else I used to barely set foot on the sand before I would panic, but I didn't. I sat down playing in the sand, I went to the edge of the sea, I picked up stones and shells and just watched Angel and T playing. It was lovely and I was reluctant to come back for lunch but my hunger got the better of me. 

The afternoon was hot and very humid, we were going to go out but decided to just sit in the sun. We got too got very quickly though and angel asked for her water pistol, well it went wetter from that point. I squirted T so he got me back right up my skirt! So I sneaked inside and filled a cup with cold water and snuck back out and threw it over him teehee. He squealed like a girl! This then erupted into a huge running chase game of a water fight lasting ages and ending in all three of us soaked through and shivering. I haven't laughed that much in ages. 

The night wasn't so good, I started feeling a bit 'ill' and it got worse and worse until by the end of the night I was as T calls it 'episodic'. I was having a lot of trouble distinguishing what was real from what wasn't, I was confused about where we were and couldn't even picture home. I was convinced I was going to die so I got Angel in our bed and snuggled down with both her and T and went to sleep safe in the knowledge that if I never woke up again I had the best possible few days before and had fallen asleep in the best possible place. 

I woke up on Wednesday morning, as you might have guessed. Sounds silly now but at the time it was terrifying and the feeling of doom is still very fresh and painful. Wednesday it's self started scary, we'd planned to go to a big indoor soft play area for Angel and T's mum and dad were going to meet us there after lunch for the afternoon. I was finding it hard to get out, convinced that my feelings from the night before we're returning and that id get 'ill'. I took an anti dizzy tablet and half a loraz and bit the bullet and went. The place was jam packed and we struggled to find any space to put our bag and shoes. T took Angel off to meet Peppa pig and then into the huge play area. I sat sipping cold water, panicking and trying to calm down. I did it, I calmed myself enough to be able to take over with Angel when T had to nip back to the caravan to get Angel a spare pair of clothes. I coped on my own in a massive warehouse sized place in a maze of an indoor adventure playground which was 5 stories high, with my daughter, on my own and with hundreds of kids everywhere. Looking back now I'm astounded but more scary, I think I could do it again. I even got chatting to a few other mums there which was nice.

 The next feat of the day was ordering me and Angel some food and ordering T's which I had to have made up for him specially. I didn't just order if though... I are it and I ate well, very well. Then shockingly went back on the play area.  

T's mum and dad then arrived and we went round the shops before coming back to the caravan and getting changed to walk down to the beach and then for a meal in a resteraunt. 

It was all very nice, I pushed my boundaries by wearing a skirt and 3 inch heels, down to the beach too ( I know I'm mad) but I enjoyed the change instead of being scared by it. And I are the meal, very well, it's the best I've ever done eating out and it was with his parents too. 

Today is Thursday and we took a ride up to the shops 15 mins away. I again was on edge and worried about my tummy but I got out of the car and faced it head on. I managed to get everything I was looking for for presents then we drove to the arcades to park up and walk down to the beach where we had a picnic, my first ever on the beach and no panic. We then played in the sand then went to the arcades before coming home and getting ready to go swimming. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record now but I was okay, a but nervous but no more than that. I got in and got on with the fun. 

I've been packing most of the night, ready to leave tomorrow and go back home. I'm looking forward to seeing Dyson but not to seeing some of the family that have been causing problems, I'm dreading going back to things being broken or something :(. For now though I'm going to hold onto the fact that this holiday although its had its ups and low downs has been lovely and I've done better than I expected. 

Tomorrow might mean no more confidence, no more normal but at least I know I've had this. 

I was even confident enough to take control in the bedroom tonight, again a first. 

I don't recognise who I am right now, I am the person I told T I would never have a hope of becoming and I don't hate her. I just want to get all of this down and recorded so that when I drop to rock bottom again ( because it will happen) I have something in words to look back on and say, I did have it all for that time. 

Thursday, Friday and Saturday

Thursday: I've been rushed off my feet the last few days, I've had no time to do anything for myself, partly it's down to all the packing needed for going in holiday tomorrow and another part is what seems to be a manic phase, I can tell it would be a lot worse if I wasn't on my meds but it's been a but scary at times today and I can feel the depression trying to come on now. 

Friday: we made it here, it's been a long day starting with getting angel to playgroup then going shopping followed by loading the car and finishing the packing then collecting angel and driving here via a food place. I had a panic on the way but managed to get over if far to easily. Since arriving we've unpacked, had dinner and been for a walk, I didn't even take my bag of anything for the walk, I just went. 

Angel is now in bed and I'm contemplating what to do next seeing as I don't have a house to take care of. I brought my brand new giant cross stitch with me so I'm thinking of starting that. 

I'm currently dealing with the fear of being outside my comfort zone in a completely unsound proof caravan and caravans are extremely triggering anyway :/ 

Saturday: Last night was rough for T because of Angel getting up and down complaining of hunger. I had a stinking panic attack so been a bit bleary eyed and on edge all day. 

I ignored the feelings enough to go 5 mins up the road then that turned to twenty minutes away shopping and we even ate out at a lovely restaurant that I'd be happy to go back to. I had chips and scampi and salad and I actually ate some of my salad. 

Usually I can't eat out and if I do I have to limit it and go straight home after, instead we went shopping some more away from the car and then had a drive all the way over to Cromer which was another 20 mins away. I fell asleep in the car thanks to my earlier loraz half dose and hot food on top. Woke up when we got there and we looked around and explored until it got late and started to rain so we got a coffee and came all the way back to the caravan for dinner. 

Angel was really hungry so I made her dinner first and gave it to her leaving T to watch her eat while I cleaned the kitchen (I got to clean!!!!!). Anyway next minute I know she's eaten most of it and has been 'ill' after stuffing her mouth too full being stupid and it caught the back of her throat. I was triggered in that I keep thinking maybe she's ill and we forced her to eat, but I know, I saw it with my own eyes that she gagged because she had much too full mouthful. The other thing that triggered me was the words T said- that she wasted all that food. That was what my parents always said to me, I was always called a waster. I know that wasn't what he meant because it was self inflicted and sillyness but it pressed an emotional button. Plus the thing of illness follows us everywhere and caravans being ill places etc etc  

Unexpected Details

I have been talking to my best friend about how she's feeling about some things in her life at the moment and it triggered some memories I must have hidden inside my mind somewhere along the way. I only realized they were coming out part way through the e-mail to her so I decided to write them here so she could chose whether to read them rather than trigger her by just sending the e-mail.

I can count on one hand how many times I enjoyed sex with him and yet every day he demanded it at least twice. It hurt and I felt dirty. My mum made me promise early on that when I had sex the first time to tell her, I was lured into the false sense of thinking we had nothing we kept from each other. I was wrong, the first time we had sex was only a few days after we met, I was a few months off 16 and I am disgusted for throwing away my virginity to a stranger and at 15. I only thought I wanted to because if I didn't he wouldn't want me and I was so empty and alone, I just didn't want to be alone any more. 

Anyway I let him and he never used lube not ever, he was so rough that he split the condom but I still pretended to enjoy it. I thought that that was what it was always going to be like. I hurt for weeks after and I could barely walk let alone pee. 

I told my mum that first night and the way she looked at me I knew what I was, I knew I was a disappointment, an ugly abhorrent whore. I got what I deserved for being so reckless and I ended up having to go to the doctors to get some cream to help me heal, at the same time I got myself put on the pill with my mums encouragement, what a ffing slut. I told myself it was because of how irregular my periods were, or how much pain they caused but really it wasn't. 

Every day from there onward he insisted on sex at least twice a day and sometimes we only saw each other for an hour. I felt disgusting, but i felt right, i was and still am disgusting, the way my mum looked at me, the disgust. I can still feel it now. 

I went on like that for two years. We split up a few times and my mum upped her mental abuse until I didn't know whether i was coming or going and I cut myself deep enough to see bone. I wanted to die but I was too stupid to know how to do it properly and I was so desperate to feel loved and wanted that I let him hurt me, make me sore and painful over and over again. I didn't even know what to do about the 'drips' my bed and underwear were constantly stained and I was so ashamed of myself. I self harmed all the time and I deserved it and worse, or maybe I didn't because I enjoyed it way too much. 

I know that if he came back into my life now and I wasn't married, I'd still be tempted to let him do it to me again, no I wouldn't be tempted, I would let him. 

After two years I got a job and moved out and split up with him. I moved into a house with a friend and the landlord, not only because I wanted to get out of my parents house but also because me and my 'friend' were 'close'. He was a self proclaimed slut really, into guys and girls and not too proud to admit the things he'd done. We only had sex three times, all of which with no lube again, all of which without condoms or protection because i was on the pill, I was a slut and even at the time I was disgusted with myself. How could i have been so stupid? I was only 17 by this point and I was recklessly giving myself away to a stranger yet again because he showed an interest in me, he made me feel wanted. He used the bugger out of me, he would call me and get closer and closer over a week or so until he had sex with me, then he would disappear for weeks, even months. So I  did the sensible thing of moving into the same house as him, thinking it would make us closer. He used me again, then kicked me out of his room into the dark hallway. 

I'd already met my husband by that point and I was yet again willing to give myself to him to be wanted and loved. We were only in contact by e-mails but after a few months of this correspondence we met up for a picnic. We talked for hours and hours then he asked to put his arms around me to keep me warm because it was getting dark by this point, I agreed. He then asked if he could kiss me and I agreed. I expected it to all go the same way, but the moment he touched his lips to mine something felt different. TMI here but just the kiss made my body respond in ways I'd never experienced before and by the time i got home at midnight I was feeling -something which I now know to be lust- which was all consuming. He left me at my door and I went home. We have never spent more than a few days away from each other since that first date. Yet there are still times when I think in the same way, when he's wanting things and i think I have to just to make him happy. I know he doesn't work that way but I can't stop my mind for telling me what a dirty little bitch I am. I will not allow myself to show him how much I enjoy myself, I hate him even looking at me, I feel guilty and disgusting. I can't take control or get what I want because I'm too afraid to, too afraid of being a whore. 

I guess it all started wrong when my first kiss was stolen from me by a boy I met at school and agreed to go out with just because I wanted to be wanted. He literally kissed like a slug and it triggered my emetophobia, he then lead me to some trees where he forced me to 'touch' him and tried to push my head down to make me do sucky sucky, I faught hard but he made me at least taste, I can't remember much from there but I know on another day he got it out and made me sit on him and ride him with my clothes on. I was 14 and being bullied at school still, maybe i thought it was my ticket away from bullying. Desperate and pathetic. 

I didn't get raped like some people, I wasn't really abused, It was me and my choices, I don;t even know why I started writing this now, I'm fucking disgusting and everyone doesn't want to know about that. 

A journey in my mind, only two weeks in real time. *Warning - emetophobia triggering*

I found hell recently, the big scary that I knew was coming finally came.

The day I last wrote here Angel was off her food and not so well from the bottom end but I used my safety talk in my mind and told myself that if she had been off her food for days it couldn't be a bug, it was just a phase, if it was a bug then it would have made her poorly to begin with. Secondly if the illness goes downwards it doesn't affect the top end once it's down.

Both these theories were proven wrong when on the Friday morning she'd been eating her breakfast, slowly but not as if she was unwell really, then she all of a sudden shouted I need a cuddle. I'd heard that tone before and I knew instantly. I shut my laptop and it was already happening. I raced into the kitchen to get clean up things then sat with my little girl while she was poorly, talking to her, ignoring my own fear and panic. I managed to text T's mum to ask for help and in less than a minute she was with me, helping me clean up.
I could have done it without her but she made it so much easier and I felt more able to cope. She came over for the morning to keep me company just in case and I didn't feel so alone. I liked having her with me, she helped me stay sane.

The day dragged horribly until finally T came home from work and I could fall. I sat outside just staring into the distance listening to the dogs barking but not caring enough to tell them to shut up. E came out of her flat and I think she knew something was up right away, she came over and sat down and told me I looked frazzled. I simply said 'Angel was s***' and she knew right away. She asked me what she could do, if distraction would help or whether I was best just sitting outside.
I told the truth, I told her that I was thinking about the best way to kill myself. She looked shocked at the bluntness but instantly went into 'what can I do to help stop this' mode.

I don't remember most of the night apart from the fact that T kept talking about work and applied for a
promotion which was the very least of my worries at that point and triggered my annoyance.

I know I expected to die, I expected it to be then end.

The next day I was still barely eating and I loved the fact that I was feeling so low and ill from not letting myself get the sustenance it needed. I pretended it was because I was afraid of getting the bug too but I knew that was only part of it, another part was the sheer enjoyment of the painful stomach cramps and dizziness as punishment.

Part way through the day one of K and B's kids was kicking some of our stuff outside in the courtyard and I saw him doing it so went outside and told him off. I knew somewhere inside me that today was different and sure enough only a few minutes later T's mum comes to the door asking what I told R off for and I could clearly hear R's dad K and T's dad having a very loud violent argument all because R had lied about why he was told off, K jumped to conclusions and wanted an excuse to pop and T's dad stood up for me.

T went over to help stop the argument but I couldn't let it all go on when I'd been the one to cause it and now I wasn't even there. I regretted having to do it, but I picked up Angel and took her across, holding her tightly and reassuringly while I stood my ground. Not only to T's sister B but to her husband K who is twice my size in height and width. I said what I needed to say, I kept quite calm and by the end of it B was in tears because she knew she was in the wrong and K wouldn't even make eye contact with me while R sat looking pretty smug and satisfied about causing all the shit.

I left without another word and didn't start crying until I got back into our house and it all came down around me, all of the words he'd said, the fact that I'm too controlling and I'm a crap mother etc. That was just the catalyst for the breakdown but it wasn't really that that got to me, the thing that really upset me was the fact that I didn't feel like I could go on, not as a result of him but of what i'd faced the day before. I told T I couldn't go on then I felt the world around me dissolve in a way it hasn't before.

K, B and the kids stayed away from the main house for the rest of the day which meant that T and I could take Angel over there to see her cousins (non demon cousins) which had come for dinner and her nanny and granddad.

It was amazing how the social interactions made me feel a bit better and I felt calmer on the outside while inside I was still distraught.


That night I ate some more food and at T's insistence had a bath and made myself feel physically better, I was shocked by just how much effect it had on me mentally too.

Sunday I knew that Monday was coming, that I wasn't going to die, I didn't just have to carry on, but I wanted to. Something had clicked inside me and here I am still now over a week later.
I spent Sunday getting my mind in the right place and then Monday morning Angel went to playgroup and when she got home I was ready. She spent the afternoon playing and eating well and I spent some time just ironing and watching her play.

T's mum ended up having K and B's youngest KR for the afternoon because it turned out that her dad K had gone to stay at his dads house after the argument, in a huff. T's dad told them that it would be best they move out sooner rather than later though and so they have been making good progress on getting moved out thank goodness and I have no guilt or anything for the fact that I was one of the triggers for it getting moved along so quick. Evil I know.

KR wasn't aloud to play outside with us and it wasn't until the day after that I was told that her mum had told T's mum not to let her in the courtyard if I was out there 'because of what I said', well I say bonus.

The rest of the week was very warm so we spent a lot of time outside in the sun. Unfortunately T's mum had KR Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday which meant we spent more time with her than I would have liked and everyone agreed with me that it wasn't at all fair on T's poor mum. However Angel had lots of nice time playing with her non demon cousin EV.

So I've been through an emotional roller coaster but for now I'm out the other side, who knows for how long but as I've taught myself for the last few years; enjoy every minute as it comes.

Friday we are going on holiday so there is something to look forward to, a week away together.