Thursday: I've been rushed off my feet the last few days, I've had no time to do anything for myself, partly it's down to all the packing needed for going in holiday tomorrow and another part is what seems to be a manic phase, I can tell it would be a lot worse if I wasn't on my meds but it's been a but scary at times today and I can feel the depression trying to come on now.
Friday: we made it here, it's been a long day starting with getting angel to playgroup then going shopping followed by loading the car and finishing the packing then collecting angel and driving here via a food place. I had a panic on the way but managed to get over if far to easily. Since arriving we've unpacked, had dinner and been for a walk, I didn't even take my bag of anything for the walk, I just went.
Angel is now in bed and I'm contemplating what to do next seeing as I don't have a house to take care of. I brought my brand new giant cross stitch with me so I'm thinking of starting that.
I'm currently dealing with the fear of being outside my comfort zone in a completely unsound proof caravan and caravans are extremely triggering anyway :/
Saturday: Last night was rough for T because of Angel getting up and down complaining of hunger. I had a stinking panic attack so been a bit bleary eyed and on edge all day.
I ignored the feelings enough to go 5 mins up the road then that turned to twenty minutes away shopping and we even ate out at a lovely restaurant that I'd be happy to go back to. I had chips and scampi and salad and I actually ate some of my salad.
Usually I can't eat out and if I do I have to limit it and go straight home after, instead we went shopping some more away from the car and then had a drive all the way over to Cromer which was another 20 mins away. I fell asleep in the car thanks to my earlier loraz half dose and hot food on top. Woke up when we got there and we looked around and explored until it got late and started to rain so we got a coffee and came all the way back to the caravan for dinner.
Angel was really hungry so I made her dinner first and gave it to her leaving T to watch her eat while I cleaned the kitchen (I got to clean!!!!!). Anyway next minute I know she's eaten most of it and has been 'ill' after stuffing her mouth too full being stupid and it caught the back of her throat. I was triggered in that I keep thinking maybe she's ill and we forced her to eat, but I know, I saw it with my own eyes that she gagged because she had much too full mouthful. The other thing that triggered me was the words T said- that she wasted all that food. That was what my parents always said to me, I was always called a waster. I know that wasn't what he meant because it was self inflicted and sillyness but it pressed an emotional button. Plus the thing of illness follows us everywhere and caravans being ill places etc etc
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