Nothing

I don't know what to do. 

The holiday we had was one of the best weeks of my life if not the best. 

I know I booked it as a form of escapism, knowing that T would be with us 24/7 throughout the whole thing which would mean if there was illness and there was a bit; T would take the brunt of it. 

I was dreading Monday when he went back to work and although shaky and scared I managed it. Yesterday we spent most of the afternoon outside playing and then today started well. Angel was at playgroup and I was helping my brother in law, and sister in law put up our tents and set up camp. We were going to start our weekend early and go out to call tonight. It was all going well, I was happy, Angel was happy. 

Then she started coughing and was sick. Minus the coughing once it started the experience felt like it went on for a long time. My sister in law and dad in law were there helping and I did well for Angel. 

Then I fell and I haven't spoken much since. I just don't have the energy to bother talking or doing much other than being curled in a ball. 

I was waiting for it to happen but even I didn't expect it to be this soon. I don't know what we've done wrong, this phobia is trying to kill me and I wish it would just succeed. I've had enough if trying, of getting last an experience to have yet another. 

I've through of many ways to end it and stopped no one that I haven't really given much consideration to before. I know I have what I need here, there's a garage full of things, I will have my pick. 

I've thought about packing my bags and waking away. Just going off the radar for a while but what will that achieve in the long run? Nothing. 

I can't do this any more.