I found hell recently, the big scary that I knew was coming finally came.
The day I last wrote here Angel was off her food and not so well from the bottom end but I used my safety talk in my mind and told myself that if she had been off her food for days it couldn't be a bug, it was just a phase, if it was a bug then it would have made her poorly to begin with. Secondly if the illness goes downwards it doesn't affect the top end once it's down.
Both these theories were proven wrong when on the Friday morning she'd been eating her breakfast, slowly but not as if she was unwell really, then she all of a sudden shouted I need a cuddle. I'd heard that tone before and I knew instantly. I shut my laptop and it was already happening. I raced into the kitchen to get clean up things then sat with my little girl while she was poorly, talking to her, ignoring my own fear and panic. I managed to text T's mum to ask for help and in less than a minute she was with me, helping me clean up.
I could have done it without her but she made it so much easier and I felt more able to cope. She came over for the morning to keep me company just in case and I didn't feel so alone. I liked having her with me, she helped me stay sane.
The day dragged horribly until finally T came home from work and I could fall. I sat outside just staring into the distance listening to the dogs barking but not caring enough to tell them to shut up. E came out of her flat and I think she knew something was up right away, she came over and sat down and told me I looked frazzled. I simply said 'Angel was s***' and she knew right away. She asked me what she could do, if distraction would help or whether I was best just sitting outside.
I told the truth, I told her that I was thinking about the best way to kill myself. She looked shocked at the bluntness but instantly went into 'what can I do to help stop this' mode.
I don't remember most of the night apart from the fact that T kept talking about work and applied for a
promotion which was the very least of my worries at that point and triggered my annoyance.
I know I expected to die, I expected it to be then end.
The next day I was still barely eating and I loved the fact that I was feeling so low and ill from not letting myself get the sustenance it needed. I pretended it was because I was afraid of getting the bug too but I knew that was only part of it, another part was the sheer enjoyment of the painful stomach cramps and dizziness as punishment.
Part way through the day one of K and B's kids was kicking some of our stuff outside in the courtyard and I saw him doing it so went outside and told him off. I knew somewhere inside me that today was different and sure enough only a few minutes later T's mum comes to the door asking what I told R off for and I could clearly hear R's dad K and T's dad having a very loud violent argument all because R had lied about why he was told off, K jumped to conclusions and wanted an excuse to pop and T's dad stood up for me.
T went over to help stop the argument but I couldn't let it all go on when I'd been the one to cause it and now I wasn't even there. I regretted having to do it, but I picked up Angel and took her across, holding her tightly and reassuringly while I stood my ground. Not only to T's sister B but to her husband K who is twice my size in height and width. I said what I needed to say, I kept quite calm and by the end of it B was in tears because she knew she was in the wrong and K wouldn't even make eye contact with me while R sat looking pretty smug and satisfied about causing all the shit.
I left without another word and didn't start crying until I got back into our house and it all came down around me, all of the words he'd said, the fact that I'm too controlling and I'm a crap mother etc. That was just the catalyst for the breakdown but it wasn't really that that got to me, the thing that really upset me was the fact that I didn't feel like I could go on, not as a result of him but of what i'd faced the day before. I told T I couldn't go on then I felt the world around me dissolve in a way it hasn't before.
K, B and the kids stayed away from the main house for the rest of the day which meant that T and I could take Angel over there to see her cousins (non demon cousins) which had come for dinner and her nanny and granddad.
It was amazing how the social interactions made me feel a bit better and I felt calmer on the outside while inside I was still distraught.
That night I ate some more food and at T's insistence had a bath and made myself feel physically better, I was shocked by just how much effect it had on me mentally too.
Sunday I knew that Monday was coming, that I wasn't going to die, I didn't just have to carry on, but I wanted to. Something had clicked inside me and here I am still now over a week later.
I spent Sunday getting my mind in the right place and then Monday morning Angel went to playgroup and when she got home I was ready. She spent the afternoon playing and eating well and I spent some time just ironing and watching her play.
T's mum ended up having K and B's youngest KR for the afternoon because it turned out that her dad K had gone to stay at his dads house after the argument, in a huff. T's dad told them that it would be best they move out sooner rather than later though and so they have been making good progress on getting moved out thank goodness and I have no guilt or anything for the fact that I was one of the triggers for it getting moved along so quick. Evil I know.
KR wasn't aloud to play outside with us and it wasn't until the day after that I was told that her mum had told T's mum not to let her in the courtyard if I was out there 'because of what I said', well I say bonus.
The rest of the week was very warm so we spent a lot of time outside in the sun. Unfortunately T's mum had KR Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday which meant we spent more time with her than I would have liked and everyone agreed with me that it wasn't at all fair on T's poor mum. However Angel had lots of nice time playing with her non demon cousin EV.
So I've been through an emotional roller coaster but for now I'm out the other side, who knows for how long but as I've taught myself for the last few years; enjoy every minute as it comes.
Friday we are going on holiday so there is something to look forward to, a week away together.
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