Tired

I'm so angry with myself, I'm really writing this right now so that I don't go and hurt myself to punish myself. I don't know why I'm bothering.
I just can't keep up with all of this, I thought a holiday would help but it only gave me a vacation from myself.

I shouldn't be complaining, I'm doing everything I said I wanted to do. I wanted to open a shop and run it, well I am and I'm getting orders nearly every day, but I'm so stupid I get stressed and mess it all up so I end up going through twice the amount of materials and then the work isn't as good as it should be. It also takes a long time to make things, photograph them right and advertise them as well as maintaining the shop and everything else, easy peasy for a single person with no commitments. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

I said I wanted to be an author, well I am, but I can't keep up with the writing, I don't get time just to get into it and lose myself, I've barely written a chapter in weeks and it's clunky and not flowing how it should be, it isn't the ideas, those are there in spades, it's the time and the headspace.

I wanted to be a mum, well here I am, I try my hardest even though I hate how she behaves like her stupid cousin, and I'm terrified constantly of her getting ill. My hardest isn't good enough, that's the problem everything.

I enjoy cooking, I get to cook almost every night and every lunch time, sometimes just for me and Angel, sometimes for me, Angel and T and other times for a lot more people. I struggle to get everything cooked to the best of my ability and on time just lately.

I wanted to be a housewife, I am, but today I haven't even finished my jobs list. I have things backed up and everyday brings new jobs that need doing on top of those I've been too lazy to do.

I wanted animals, I have plenty of those, but cleaning them out and feeding them etc all falls to me and I don't seem to spend as much time with them as I would like, slow, lazy.

Excuses excuses, these things should be done and done well if not nearly perfect but at the moment, I am constantly hyped up with everything going on in my mind but I just can't seem to keep up with it. I just wish I could run away and stay in a hotel alone for a week, just leave everything behind and have a proper holiday. I can't though because of these responsibilities fall to me and without me everything crumbles. Great now I;m getting big headed too.

I just want to cry, I can't believe it's already 9 and I've spent my whole evening ruining one letter set after another, I've only just taken my first lot of tablets and I've had no chance to sit down and text my sister.

I will go to bed but barely sleep, too busy in my mind with all of the things that need doing, then I will get up and another day will start, ready for me to wreck it and waste it. Maybe I should stop the writing, maybe I should close my shop, after all being a mum, pet owner, wife and housekeeper should come first and I quite honestly don't have time for it all.