More up and down than a rampant yoyo (triggering)

Dentist stuff is still very much up in the air to start with. 

Tuesday me and my husband went on our first ever date since before Angel was  born leaving Angel with his mum who was great. 

I got very upset and to top it feel poorly from travel on the way and more panicky than I've been in a long time. 

It took a long while to calm down when we arrived at the car park and I ended up on an anti dizzy, half a loraz and the max dose of aconite 2 hourly. Yes it is a hell of a lot better than how much I'd have taken if it had been a year ago but it was one of the worst panics in ages. 

I finished settling on the walk to the place where the gig was being held and further calming when we had to wait outside for a while in the cool but not cold air. 

Inside it was okay, freedom to walk around, a bar and biggish room for the actual gig, toilets right next to it and a smoking area. It was nice and although we had to wait for a few hours before our band came on it was soo worth it when they did. The lead singer was gorgeous, I felt like he kept looking at me, I didn't give a poo about everyone else watching me dancing or hearing me sing. I just let go and did it and in 3-4 inch heels!!  I remember a girl at a gig we went to years back now who did the exact same thing, how unbothered she was and how is watched in awe wishing I could do the, feel that free. And I did, I wasn't completely lacking conciousness but if wasn't bad or crippling for once. 

It was very much a night of major negative followed by major positive.  

Angel has been off playgroup most of the week, thankfully a poorly I can cope with. 

I cleaned so much today the bedroom is spotless and hall and food all cooked etc. Just no time to write or work which if course gets me down. Angel hasn't been sleeping much and was very disturbed last night so I got no writing done then and despite T saying he would get out of the bath at 7.10 he didn't get out until about 9 by which time was too late for me to do any thing. 

He came home from work today to tell me his shifts are changing again and he's working longer and more hours I hate. Pissed off doesn't cover it. 

Then he goes outside to help his dad in the only time he gets with Angel and promised Her he would be back in time to read her stories and out her to bed... Still not back and she's been in bed half an hour. 

I'm pissed off and feeling restrained and desperate. I've already lost my temper and punched the wall. My littlr finger and knuckles are too painful to move now but the pain is good. I am looking forward to alone time and a blade. 

I won't bother anyone with my shit, my best friend has just gotten engaged and doesn't need my negatives, my other friend gets married 2 weeks today and the onl my other friend I had is happily with his partner and I don't exist. 

A new start, an old problem.

Yesterday was the day of the dentist. I prepared the day before, keeping myself busy, enjoying time with Angel and taking regular aconite to stay calm and not let my fears get out of hand. Once Angel was in bed I curled up beside T to watch a series we like and did some knitting so my mind had absolutely no excuse to go wondering. Before bed I got my bag ready then played a few mindless games on my phone as I drifted off. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared but I had it under control. 

I woke up groggy after nightmares about the dentist then got up and dressed keeping my food extremely safe, even avoiding coffee. I had intended to take 1 loraz but I went for half, knowing I could take the other half if I needed to. 

It had helped to keep me calm by he reminding myself it was just one little filling that needed replacing. 

We got there and i wasn't beside myself with panic. We got out of the car and went into the surgery early. I was called within 5 minutes and in I went feeling fairly positive. 

I was doing it and in no more than an hour I'd be out of the surgery, all better and fine and able to concentrate on my life once more. 

I lay in the chair and the dentist poked about in my mouth then she sat me back up to tell me I have 3 loose fillings that she wants to pull out and replace. That I'd have to fond back and if they couldn't do it without needles then I might have to be referred to somewhere to be sedated. 

Despite T asking she wouldn't consider trying to do any of it there and then and I left the surgery in tears telling the receptionist id rather die than go have it done in another 2 weeks! Knowing that it won't work anyway.! I told her id rather die. She was useless. 

I came home numb, still doped up but so incredibly low it hurt to breathe. I closed all the curtains and just hid all day. T's mum has offered to have Angel but was too preoccupied with a stupid cake to give her the attention and love she needed when she was worried about her mummy and feeling poorly and daddy had to go to work. She came back over to me and we had a hiding day where I kept losing consciousness. 

The next step is to find a dentist that offers everything I need. This one is bull shit. So it all hangs in the balance and months of reteaching go undone because my life can't go forward with this shit hanging Over me, holding me back and trying to pull me down.