A new start, an old problem.

Yesterday was the day of the dentist. I prepared the day before, keeping myself busy, enjoying time with Angel and taking regular aconite to stay calm and not let my fears get out of hand. Once Angel was in bed I curled up beside T to watch a series we like and did some knitting so my mind had absolutely no excuse to go wondering. Before bed I got my bag ready then played a few mindless games on my phone as I drifted off. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared but I had it under control. 

I woke up groggy after nightmares about the dentist then got up and dressed keeping my food extremely safe, even avoiding coffee. I had intended to take 1 loraz but I went for half, knowing I could take the other half if I needed to. 

It had helped to keep me calm by he reminding myself it was just one little filling that needed replacing. 

We got there and i wasn't beside myself with panic. We got out of the car and went into the surgery early. I was called within 5 minutes and in I went feeling fairly positive. 

I was doing it and in no more than an hour I'd be out of the surgery, all better and fine and able to concentrate on my life once more. 

I lay in the chair and the dentist poked about in my mouth then she sat me back up to tell me I have 3 loose fillings that she wants to pull out and replace. That I'd have to fond back and if they couldn't do it without needles then I might have to be referred to somewhere to be sedated. 

Despite T asking she wouldn't consider trying to do any of it there and then and I left the surgery in tears telling the receptionist id rather die than go have it done in another 2 weeks! Knowing that it won't work anyway.! I told her id rather die. She was useless. 

I came home numb, still doped up but so incredibly low it hurt to breathe. I closed all the curtains and just hid all day. T's mum has offered to have Angel but was too preoccupied with a stupid cake to give her the attention and love she needed when she was worried about her mummy and feeling poorly and daddy had to go to work. She came back over to me and we had a hiding day where I kept losing consciousness. 

The next step is to find a dentist that offers everything I need. This one is bull shit. So it all hangs in the balance and months of reteaching go undone because my life can't go forward with this shit hanging Over me, holding me back and trying to pull me down.