Facing it - emetophobically triggering but not actually talking about it.

I think I'm ill ill. I feel it, it's been building for hours and I've been a little off for the last few days. I feel panicky, how wouldn't i if I feel ill? But I feel ill too even as I'm sipping drink it isn't sitting right. I have to keep scratching my nails down my arms, I don't know, in a form or contr or something. My rings have come off and I'm about to go change so if it does happen these clothes aren't cursed. 

I'm changed now and debating whether to take an antiemetic. I had a look for them but my husband has tidied them away somewhere. Walking made me feel worse. I'm incredibly dizzy so I'm now wondering if it's that. :/ 

My husband has given me something for my dizziness and I've managed a small biscuit. I'm very very dizzy. 

My husband offered to stay away from me, knowing that when I'm usually feeling panicky and especially unwell I always always hide even from him. Although I would hate for him to see me get 'poorly' I feel like I want cuddles. It sounds so small to put it like that but even on a low panic which used to be constantly, I couldn't have even him near me, not even in the same house if I could help it. Maybe I'm finally understanding that he will love me no matter what. 

The other thing is that in the 'olden days' I'd have fought if and rebelled but this time I just let myself feel what I felt, accepted it and put things in place in case. The same as a normal person might do I guess; getting dressed into more comfortable clothes, having a drink to sip. 

I'm going to sit and try and watch something now in the hope that I will feel better but if not, as scary as it is and it sounds, I know I can cope. 

Major positives and fears

I've had a great weekend, me, Angel and T have and I only wish time could go on that way. Tomorrow is back to work with T although he's on earlies and back to playgroup with Angel. 

A week Tuesday I have the dentist after thanks to T putting work first I had to move my appointment. I feel ill with worry, I'm terrified.

I went swimming today and ate out, shopping yesterday and all on no meds. It's shocking and yet I'm still so terrified of the dentist. Then there's the two concerts we booked. I'm scared of those too, the first is in only a few weeks. I was excited but now I'm scared :( 

Chilly blues

Again my emotions are boiling over and the depression is taking hold. All I've heard about in the last week and a half is people getting tummy ill. With angel going back to playgroup and T doing more lates again I've been skipping my manic phase and instead either been low or immensely low. 

I feel so alone even though I've been closer to my husband in the last few weeks that I've been in ages despite everything going on in reality and mentally. 

I've stopped eating so much, I'm too scared to eat too much in one go and have dialled 3 means and 4 snacks into 2 meals at most and maybe 2 snacks. My meal sizes have shrunk and My body is feeling it, my blood sugar has been suffering for it but I just can't stop. It's going to lower my immune system and mean I get ill but I just can't eat. I can't be in the place where the flashbacks take place, here, over at the main house. The flashbacks and nightmares are so vivid that it's hard to differentiate at times and Im almost always flashing back to one memory or another causing panic attacks. I want to hurt myself but I feel too depressed to find the time alone to do it, when I do though it will be good. 

My head hurts, I'm so tired and hurting so much inside. 

Explosive

Tonight my temper is feeling explosive. It's aimed at nothing except myself. I'm angry and upset and frustrated and it's all stupid me. 

Yesterday was a great day, we travelled for 45 mid to get to a new set of shops, I looked around, ate and then we went food shopping at a completely different supermarket on the wag out if town. I did it all on no meds, only some aconite and no panics only i felt a little iffy on the way home.

It was like a day off from my shitty mood.  I knew I was on a low because I had no real desire to spend money but I was out and being normal. 

Thursday Angel was back at playgroup and T was on lates. Then when he did get home at half 6 he had to go back out at quarter past 7 to his group. Usually it's fine but Angel woke up screaming. I instantly thought she was going to be ill and I was too scared to touch her or hold her in case. In the end I cuddled her and she peed on me in fright still stuck in her nightmare. T came straight home but it had rocked me from the precarious wall I was balancing on. I got through Friday because I knew the weekend was coming but now it's over. I've spent all day doing what I always do- clean and tidy and cook. T has helped with angel care by playing with her.  She has playgroup again tomorrow, more germs. I was supposed to be going to the dentist, it was booked weeks in advance but T has now told me he can't take me when he said he would. So it's either go alone, walk all the way there and back as well as cope or leave it and have my teeth get worse.

To say I'm scared is an understatement. My stomach is churning and I'm so angry I just want to make myself bleed. But what's the point? Unless I aim to end it it Won't change even a moment. 

I hate myself. 

Out of the blue

I didn't realise how much I needed to blog until one of my husbands friends said hi to me on Facebook and I unloaded my crap all over him.
Today was the last day of the summer holiday and I really wanted it to be a good day for me and Angel because I knew that won't be getting a whole day lone until the next holiday and then she will be in the swing of playgroup so it will most likely be hell to try and entertain her.
It went from bad to worse and Angel was in a rotten, argumentative, challenging mood. I tried to keep my cool but there was a moment or two when I wanted to hit her, hard. I wanted to shut her up because she was screaming in my face and shouting at me and disobeying. She screamed so lod in my face once that I put my hand over her mouth to stop her, it hurt, not just my ears but everything inside. I just wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. I only put my hand over her mouth for a second or two, it shocked her out of the scream and I walked away until she stopped. I didn't hit her or touch her apart from that but I was so forlorn, so lost for what to do with her. She's been hard work all day and i am more than drained, but I had to get some work done because evening is the only time I get to do that.

She had another screaming fit when her daddy came home and she was supposed to be going to sleep, her temper is worse than mine at times. I charged through the house, past my husband who looked terrified of what I was about to do. I didn't know what I was going to do. I got to her bed and I picked her up, she thrashed and screamed and I simply sat her on our bed and told her we needed a talk. My husband stayed outside the room while I calmly but firmly explained to Angel that I don't like screaming in my house, nor shouting and uncontrolled temper. I calmly told her how sad she'd made me and how if she screamed in my house again she would be made to stand outside on her own in the cold until she stopped (not that it is cold, its boiling). She said she understood, went for a last pee and we tucked her in and she went to sleep.

I'm tired, dizzy and emotionally fucked up.

Angel is back at playgroup tomorrow and I'm more than dreading it, back to all those germs, those kids, those people. Germs everywhere especially with the autumn and winter coming. She's not had 'germs' since she's been off because I have been in control and kept her safe from them but when she's there I can't, when she's there she's open to them and there is nothing I can do about it and I can't deal with ill. I can't do it.

Tonight is a night for crying and worrying and panicking and self hatred.