Out of the blue

I didn't realise how much I needed to blog until one of my husbands friends said hi to me on Facebook and I unloaded my crap all over him.
Today was the last day of the summer holiday and I really wanted it to be a good day for me and Angel because I knew that won't be getting a whole day lone until the next holiday and then she will be in the swing of playgroup so it will most likely be hell to try and entertain her.
It went from bad to worse and Angel was in a rotten, argumentative, challenging mood. I tried to keep my cool but there was a moment or two when I wanted to hit her, hard. I wanted to shut her up because she was screaming in my face and shouting at me and disobeying. She screamed so lod in my face once that I put my hand over her mouth to stop her, it hurt, not just my ears but everything inside. I just wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. I only put my hand over her mouth for a second or two, it shocked her out of the scream and I walked away until she stopped. I didn't hit her or touch her apart from that but I was so forlorn, so lost for what to do with her. She's been hard work all day and i am more than drained, but I had to get some work done because evening is the only time I get to do that.

She had another screaming fit when her daddy came home and she was supposed to be going to sleep, her temper is worse than mine at times. I charged through the house, past my husband who looked terrified of what I was about to do. I didn't know what I was going to do. I got to her bed and I picked her up, she thrashed and screamed and I simply sat her on our bed and told her we needed a talk. My husband stayed outside the room while I calmly but firmly explained to Angel that I don't like screaming in my house, nor shouting and uncontrolled temper. I calmly told her how sad she'd made me and how if she screamed in my house again she would be made to stand outside on her own in the cold until she stopped (not that it is cold, its boiling). She said she understood, went for a last pee and we tucked her in and she went to sleep.

I'm tired, dizzy and emotionally fucked up.

Angel is back at playgroup tomorrow and I'm more than dreading it, back to all those germs, those kids, those people. Germs everywhere especially with the autumn and winter coming. She's not had 'germs' since she's been off because I have been in control and kept her safe from them but when she's there I can't, when she's there she's open to them and there is nothing I can do about it and I can't deal with ill. I can't do it.

Tonight is a night for crying and worrying and panicking and self hatred.