Chilly blues

Again my emotions are boiling over and the depression is taking hold. All I've heard about in the last week and a half is people getting tummy ill. With angel going back to playgroup and T doing more lates again I've been skipping my manic phase and instead either been low or immensely low. 

I feel so alone even though I've been closer to my husband in the last few weeks that I've been in ages despite everything going on in reality and mentally. 

I've stopped eating so much, I'm too scared to eat too much in one go and have dialled 3 means and 4 snacks into 2 meals at most and maybe 2 snacks. My meal sizes have shrunk and My body is feeling it, my blood sugar has been suffering for it but I just can't stop. It's going to lower my immune system and mean I get ill but I just can't eat. I can't be in the place where the flashbacks take place, here, over at the main house. The flashbacks and nightmares are so vivid that it's hard to differentiate at times and Im almost always flashing back to one memory or another causing panic attacks. I want to hurt myself but I feel too depressed to find the time alone to do it, when I do though it will be good. 

My head hurts, I'm so tired and hurting so much inside.