Yesterday was a great day, we travelled for 45 mid to get to a new set of shops, I looked around, ate and then we went food shopping at a completely different supermarket on the wag out if town. I did it all on no meds, only some aconite and no panics only i felt a little iffy on the way home.
It was like a day off from my shitty mood. I knew I was on a low because I had no real desire to spend money but I was out and being normal.
Thursday Angel was back at playgroup and T was on lates. Then when he did get home at half 6 he had to go back out at quarter past 7 to his group. Usually it's fine but Angel woke up screaming. I instantly thought she was going to be ill and I was too scared to touch her or hold her in case. In the end I cuddled her and she peed on me in fright still stuck in her nightmare. T came straight home but it had rocked me from the precarious wall I was balancing on. I got through Friday because I knew the weekend was coming but now it's over. I've spent all day doing what I always do- clean and tidy and cook. T has helped with angel care by playing with her. She has playgroup again tomorrow, more germs. I was supposed to be going to the dentist, it was booked weeks in advance but T has now told me he can't take me when he said he would. So it's either go alone, walk all the way there and back as well as cope or leave it and have my teeth get worse.
To say I'm scared is an understatement. My stomach is churning and I'm so angry I just want to make myself bleed. But what's the point? Unless I aim to end it it Won't change even a moment.
I hate myself.
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