Going to try to make it a quick one

I'm going to try and make this entry a quick one, I have tonnes of writing to do and I haven't had any chance for over a week. It's one of my main outlets for releasing feelings and pent up emotions so not getting a chance to do it isn't a great thing at all, not to mention the new deadline of the end of January for the book I'm working on thanks to the title being stolen.

Today we all got up early and after several accidents, a bath for Angel, a shower for T, breakfast for everyone except me and some messing about we finally went out and were already running a little late. I was feeling rough, not at all up for going for my first session a few miles away at a new building with a new therapist. I got into the car and cuddled up under my fur coat for some semblance of comfort then we set off.  It took ages to get there, much longer than we or the sat nav had expected and when we got there not only was the area rough and nasty looking, but there was no where at all to park even streets away. There was a carpark there but only for staff members. Angel then announced suddenly that her tummy was poorly so my emetophobia went into overdrive and the panic got worse.

After driving around we realized there was no way for us to park up anywhere and for me to get to the appointment so T pulled up onto the double yellow lines and went inside to explain. The receptionist was a shit head and apparently asked T 'what do you want me to do about it?' when he told her the problem we were having. He asked her to go tell the doctor so that it was logged than we didn't miss the appointment because that would lose me my place in therapy and I would have to be re-referred again.

T suggested that seeing as I'd taken loraz to get there we may as well make use of it and go somewhere else, which was when I turned to him and told him I hadn't taken anything. He looked so surprised and happy and I couldn't help but blush, he then went on to tell me for the rest of the drive to the shops that he was immensely proud of me and I'm wonderful etc etc. Since I've been on the loraz I have never been to a therapy session without it, let alone a brand new place and DR.

We went to a pet shop, one that I would usually find anxiety inducing because it's so unfamiliar but I was okay, no, I was fine really. We looked around, spoke to the woman and I went off with Angel to look at the pets for sale while T brought the medication we needed to worm and flea Khan and I was in control, confident and okay.

We went over to another shop from there, one that was more busy and very decorated for Christmas which usually sets me off, once again, no panic to report, I was even ready to leave the car and go down to more of the shops but T's knees were hurting and me and Angel were starving to death so we came home.

Even writing this now, I'm finding it hard to believe, this isn't me, I think I'm going mad, this isn't me at all. I havn't been like this since I worked 7 years ago and I'm on a much lower dose of Floux. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong now, I've come this far but there is going to be a set back, there has to be, there always is.

The rest of the day involved taking Angel to the toilet, taking Khan out to the toilet, cleaning, tidying, cooking and looking after everyone while T was a little short with us all and grumpy with his knees being in pain.

Tomorrow I have Angel and Khan to look after on my own, T will be at home but working upstairs and I will be responsible for both of them and all the housework. I hope it isn't as hard as I'm imagining it to be.

Khan

After my blog on Monday night, I went to bed feeling happy and positive only to be woken up feel poorly in the night. It didn't feel like a panic attack, it felt like my tummy was poorly, but I guess that's how the phobia works, it tricks the mind so it might have just been the phobia and panic from waking suddenly, but it could have been something real causing it. I ended up coming downstairs, at about 1 after only getting to sleep at half 12, and watching TV until I felt well enough to lay down then even more well enough to attempt going back to sleep. I was woken at 6 in the morning by T and Angel because T had to go out to work at 7 and I would have Angel all day alone. We were still having our breakfast when T went out and then the morning seemed to slip away. Angel and I spent the majority of it tidying and getting the living room ready for the puppy. I really didn't think I would manage to get out because of how bad a night I had and the huge unknown as to whether I really felt ill or not and whether it would come back. T told me not to worry, that he would pick up the things we really need, so I had a perfect escape. However, something and I don't know what possessed me and around lunch time I decided to go. I got Angel ready and picked up the bags Id made up ready the night before and went out. I had the perfect excuse to come back home and not push any further when we only got part way up the road and a nasty very racist old man (he's lived in the area for ages) was shouting and swearing and hurling abuse at everyone no matter what race. Angel was scared and it made my heart pump but I knew I could protect myself and more importantly my daughter from him and I even silently challenged him in my mind to say something to me, but I was the only person who got away without being shouted out. The thought did cross my mind that maybe I should give up and go home and use him as an excuse, its a valid one, but I'm deranged and continued on.

I kept thinking to myself that if I am ill, then I am. People can judge me but it's not my fault and the main thing is that I'm trying and I'm looking after my little one. (WTF? I know, that's not the voice in my head talking! I have no idea where it came from because my phobia hasn't lifted at all, I'm still terrified).

I walked past my chemist and doctors, past the busy road, ill people coming in and out of docs and up past the rougher area and the nursery before coming out by the shops. I was quite panicky, but instead of going home, I forced myself into the bakery to at least get Angel some lunch before going home - Mummy rule 1- child comes first. I handled it okay and got myself some iced doughnuts for home knowing that even if I couldn't go further I had gone that far and actually being able to appreciate that for once.

I crossed the road though instead of turning back for home, and I went into the shop where I would get the puppy things. I was edgy at first but I ended up coming out of there with 3 huge bags of things including a new pedal bin for the living room so that puppy wouldn't be able to get into it. The walk home was cold but I was okay and I even ate my lunch on the way home, despite all my fears.

At home Angel and I continued tidying up the house and got everything and extra done before T got home from work just after I put Angel to bed. Once Angel was happy in bed, T went back out to get he puppy and once he got home the first thing we had to do was clean the carrier and the poor dog after in fear he'd peed, pooed and was 'ill' on himself. I handled it, I was on edge but I helped, I even got my hands dirty (cleaned them very very very thoroughly and antibaced them after though).

We spent the evening getting him settled in and getting to know him, by the end of the evening he was settled quite well and had taken to me much better than I thought he would, even crying when I left the room. We decided that we weren't keen on the name he'd been given previously and changed it to Khan which as a family we all decided on for definite this morning.

Thankfully I slept last night, although I had to be up early again so am exhausted. Angel was silly tired and had gotten up early so the meeting of her and Khan was less smoother than anticipated but now they are best friends and although she was afraid, she loved him from moment one.

We had lots to do today, first we'd planned at long last to get me over to the hue outdoors shop twenty minutes away so I could do some research for my book to help me out. I didn't take any meds and we went over there not long after they'd opened. I went off on my own around the whole shop, munching my crisps and making notes and taking pictures. It took a while and Angel played with T in the tents that were all set up  but more importantly, despite being anxious when we first got there, I was fine and got done what I wanted to get done with flying colours.

The next challenge of the day was much harder though, and with a some motion illness feeling. We stopped off home and picked up Khan who as we drove along, cuddled up on my lap rendering me unable to move and made me feel trapped. He dribbled in fear and I kept thinking he would be s*** but somehow I just managed to keep it together, keep talking to Angel, reassure the dog in my arms and talking to T. We arrived and at first found nowhere to park then we found a space but it was a distance from the shop. T went inside carrying Khan and I was left to get Angel out and lock the car. I was feeling very icky from the drive but I made myself suck a sweet, have a drink and nibble something before getting my act together and going inside the store. Once again although we were't as near the car and we had an extra little man to look after, once we got inside I did it, I coped. I was a mother I did what I needed to do and made it more fun for Angel too.

We got Khan a collar, lead, big bag of food and an identity tag but the vets part of the shop wasn't open so we couldn't get him his first jab like we'd planned, his microchip or the flea and worming treatments. T rang out usual vets while I took over holding Khan and kept talking Angel about the fish. He made an appointment for twenty minutes time, which meant that we needed to get back across town, past home and back out to where we'd been to the big store first thing in the morning. I was NOT looking forward to the travelling but I knew that we would need to get him jabbed and the sooner the better so he could go out. I started with him in the footwell to give me more space but the poor thing was scared so I let him get up onto my lap and I cuddled him all the way there.

I have never been into our vets since they moved over a year ago now, I have always been to panicky and scared. Today though on no meds, I got out of the car and went into the building. It wasn't as scary as I'd imagined, it was light and airy. We were called in after only a few moments and I decided instead of waiting in the waiting room I would go into the vets room and allow the door to be closed behind us.

I was annoyed when the vet told us that because we hadn't had him for more than three days she wouldn't give him his first jab or anything else, which meant that the journey had been a waste of time and of my strength. I tried and I guess have managed to let go of that anger and just allow myself to be pleased about the fact that I did it. I was scared and felt ill but I did it and on the way home the silly soppy Khan fell asleep in my arms.

After lunch Angel and I both had a nap and so did Khan and T got some time to play his Xbox for a while, the rest of the day has gone so fast and now it's time for a shower and bed.

Tomorrow I have got an appointment to see a psychologist, I guess to assess me and see what they are willing to offer for support and help apart from meds. Usually I would be a wreck about it by now, but at the moment I'm okay. I'm shaky and worried but okay. I'm trying to see it as a choice-less thing in the hope that I won't be able to talk myself out of it. It's back over where the vets is so another not so nice journey tomorrow. :(

I'll see in the morning whether I can go or not and what the next move will be.

New addition to the family, another rule broken.

When I was born my mum and dad had a dog called Purdie, she was an German Shepard, Rottweiler and Border Collie cross. She was gorgeous and loving and my best friend and I grew up loving her to bits. For some reason my mum and dad didn't ever get her jabs done or get her spayed. When I was about 8 I was playing in the garden on my swing as usual and I accidently swung forward not knowing she was walking in front of me, I couldn't stop and I kicked her in the side, she cried and whimpered and limped for ages and I tried to make her feel better by hugging her and talking to her, apologizing over and over again while mum and dad just carried on doing what they were doing.

We went on holiday about a week after and we left Purdie with my grandparents as usual. Part way through the holiday we got a phone call to say that she was poorly and wasn't eating and crying lots.
I asked my dad if we could go home, I wanted to see her just in case she died and I'd never get to see her again but dad said no, it was a waste of money to go home when we had two days left. I was taught that wasting money is a major NO so I shut up and cried silently in bed at night instead. There had been no change and my grandparents hadn't bothered to take her to the vets. When we got home, my dad took her the day after and I wasn't sure I would see her again. An hour later though he brought her back, she was given tablets to take and he told mum that she had a womb infection (from not having puppies or not being spayed) but I remembered that I had kicked her in the side not more than a week before it started and I was convinced I had done it and I knew no different. She continued to not eat and my mum and dad for some reason only gave her the tablets in food instead of making her take them anyway, so she missed doses and she got worse over two days until she couldn't stand up. I watched it all unable to do anything about it except cry and cuddle her, hold her and reassure her that she would be okay.

Dad got home from work and mum told him how she was and he decided to take her back to the vets. She couldn't walk, her legs just kept giving out under her so dad had to pick her up and carry her. He lay her down on the back seat and she just curled up. I kissed her fur and cried. Mum wouldn't let me go with them. I sat in the kitchen window for hours just watching and crying, waiting for them to come home. The car drew up outside and I waited, but only dad got out the car and I just wanted to be hugged by my mum and cry but she only offered a small amount of love, more than usual though. Dad as usual didn't express emotion at all as he told us how she'd died on the way there with dad's hand on her head while he drove along, going as fast as he could.

I can't believe how much this hurts to think about and how long I've tried not to think about it.

I was depressed and upset for weeks, I would cry a lot and sometimes even months later would burst into tears, missing her. I remember one night, the only hug I ever remember from my dad, when I started crying about her death and both he and mum promised me that we could get a new dog, that I would get a new friend.

The months passed into years and I began to get a grudge against my parents for doing what I considered one of the worst things ever, to break a promise.

I blamed myself for Purdie dying though and although I wanted another dog, I never believed that I deserved one, after all if I did then my parents would have gotten another one.

So to this day even though I've been moved out of my mum's house for nearly 7 years I have never gotten another dog.

After throwing away some of the crap from my mum and J in my mind, I almost feel like there is enough room to maneuver now, to allow myself to finally believe I didn't kill our dog, it was my mum and dad that failed to get her spayed and failed to get her better and my grandparents for not getting her to the vets quick enough. I was a child, a child that was led to believe I didn't deserve another dog, had promises broken and never had my worries about being a murderer eased.

I am not that child any more though, I am an adult and it's time I got myself the one thing I have always wanted, always missed.

So today after talking idly about it with T for a while and knowing just how much he loves dogs and has always wanted one since his last one died, I decided to get him one for Yule. However I knew I couldn't keep it a secret because he needed to help me choose because the dog would be for all of us, another member of the family and price and breed etc would need to be explored and thought about.

I never thought when I got up this morning that I would be looking for a puppy this day. Despite my anxiety about telling him the idea, he loved it and at once started looking with me. We looked at lots of different ones and whittled it down to a few breeds and crossbreeds we liked best. Then we looked at distance and prices and what each of the breeds would offer. We kept coming back to the same puppy, a slightly older one and not a breed that we were really looking for; a Rottweiler with a little Staffie in him. He looked gorgeous in the pictures and he had the same colouring that Purdie had which really endeared me to him. He was more expensive than we really wanted to pay though so we looked at others. However no matter what breeds or keywords we searched for, he kept popping up on all the sites over and over again. In the end we fell for him hard and T text the number to see if he was still for sale. Sure enough although we doubted he would be, the owners called back not 5 mins later and T arranged to go see him this evening. I put an excited Angel to bed then T called me to say that he's ours, we're going to pick him up tomorrow night. T is so excited and I'm so excited I can't sleep or eat! I feel worse than a child at Christmas! I'm incredibly glad that after such a shitty and hard weekend I can make T so happy, that we've pulled back together as a family and we now have a new edition and T has a few days off for us to have lots of family time with all of our animals and with each other.

My goal for tomorrow is to get out of the house with Angel and get into town to get the things Bently will need for his new home with us.  T is going into work very early in the morning and is going to be working over an hour away again until nearly Angel's bedtime again, so if I don't go and get the things then we won't have them for him. I already have the bags ready so my plan is to get up, take some lorazapam right away then start puppy proofing the house while I wait for it to work and we have breakfast and things then get myself together and go out mid morning or at least after the schools have gone in.

I almost feel like I'm mentally slapping my mum in the face with this, but more importantly I don't care what she thinks about us getting a dog, screw her, this is my life.

Dreaming a load lighter *warning, most positive blog yet!*

A few days ago T told me about a book which was written as a piss take of self-help books. I wasn't so keen on having them ripped apart with them working well for me and how much faith I put in them, my take on it was that if it works for someone then it doesn't matter if it's powered with pixie dust or written by Elves, the main thing is that it works. Oddly the book actually had some good points and they made sense although they were from a sarcastic 'aren't I funny' point of view which was highly irritating. 

Anyway, one of the examples was talking about how your subconscious is a place where you store things that really belong to other people but you keep them because they have been given to you, have your name on them and you feel you should hold onto them, they almost become part of the building itself because of how long they've been there. He used the metaphor of a boat and barrels on the boat in the book. It made sense to me but I never really believed I could let them go, but that is another barrel in itself. 

Last night before I went to bed, I was re-reading over some of my blogs, partly to find out what caused my last drop after I had been doing so well for a few weeks (I realized that it happened after I'd been in charge of Angel for a few days all day long while T was working an incident just like this time) I am hoping that by realizing how hard I could fall after having to hold it together for so long alone will help me survive, help me stay on top as well as finally admitting to myself that I need some time off to do some writing or something for myself.)

Back to the title to this blog then; reading back through the oldest entries brought it home to me that I'd listened to the conversation that was recorded between my mum, T, mum's boyfriend and my sister that night, the day before I said goodbye to my mum for the last time, and I'd been okay. I'd admitted to myself that there was only one thing she said that I knew was true and that was that at that time, I wasn't doing enough to get out, hadn't been doing enough to push myself to get Angel the normal life she deserved. Now though I am, I know I am and I can take some comfort in knowing that nothing else she said had any meaning to me any more. As I said in that blog, back in February I think it was, that she was rude, nasty and abusive. The only thing I could agree with then I can't now, I have changed that about me. I didn't think I could change but I have been. Maybe a person can change after all?

I sat there thinking last night after reading about it all again that I don't need to keep that conversation anymore, maybe I should delete it, finally let go of the things I don't need pulling me back any more. 

I went to bed and thought nothing of it as I was still feeling very depressed then woke up this morning after mostly sleeping through and Angel too and felt as if something had been lifted, I felt calmer, lighter and freer. 

Part way through the day I realized that I had been dreaming all night, it started to come back to me bit by bit until it's clear now in my mind. 

It started where I woke up in my dream in a massive loft at the very top of a big barn. The barn was warm and glowed honey colored in the summer sun, it smelled of all my favorite smells and it was one of the most safe and beautiful places I've ever been to. The loft though was full of people, people and their junk. Things they were selling, thing's they'd just left there, boxes and bags of stuff. There were people there I knew like family members, friends, loved ones. People I have only seen in passing but who I remember and others who I didn't recognise at all. There were animals, grown-ups, children, babies, and old people. It almost felt like a street market in this warm, safe, beautiful place. In one particular dark corner, my mum and her boyfriend were trying to sort through boxes, crates and bags of things which belonged to them. There was all sorts of things, some pretty, some ugly. I helped them sift through it at first then I left to look around everything else, talking to the people and looking through the things and managing to get some people to get rid of useless things. Then I was beginning to get angry about all the shit in my attic, ruining the warmth, ruining the safe feeling. I walked past T's family who were with T and Angel and all smiling and laughing and hanging up pretty gems that caught the light (all except one of his sisters). I walked past my sister who's boxes were near my dad and my mum and her boyfriends (J). Mum and J were arguing, (mum has always done a lot of that) and I walked over to them; I'd had enough, enough to having MY space taken up, MY safe space invaded. I stopped them and began throwing things out, they vanished one by one. Not all of it went, but a lot of the very evil things were gotten rid of and I told her, I told her that I wanted to be free, that I didn't need to hold onto all the bad things anymore, it's time for her to sort herself out, out of my head. 

I woke up not long after and realized it was later than I'd intended to get up. Today as I said I have felt a lot freer and not in the sense of ignoring things, more in the way that I no longer care so much what she thinks of me. I know that I am doing the best I can do for my family right now. Tomorrow I don't know but for the last few days, the majority of the time, I am who they need me to be. I have my selfish moments and I'm not the best mum or wife by miles, but I am a good mum and a good wife. My husband and my child are both happy always have clothes to wear, food to eat, are clean and live in a clean house and they don't go without anything I can possibly give them. Nothing is spared as far as they're concerned, they are my life and I live for them and 'she' was wrong about me, I am not completely selfish, I do my best for them and I'm beginning to want to do things for myself too.

One more thing I recognise is that I now do things like today I popped out to a very busy shopping park, went of with Angel on my own in a very busy shop, talked to strangers, played with Angel (with all the noisy toys and the dog squeakers), had fun and let her explore freely. She was happy and so was I and I did it on 0 meds, nothing. I did it. 'she' said I couldn't do it but I did...I do. 

Her hold hasn't left, but it has loosened a tiny bit, enough to get a taste fresh air. 

FFing pissed off.

This is more likely to be a rant than a blog entry but I guess it will be a good thing to get the feelings out.
This week has swam by on the puddles caused by the relentless rains and blown away by the gusty breezes that have stolen the last of the leaves from the trees.

Oh yes, I was poorly on Monday evening and Tuesday, I ended up sleeping lots. I had a very very dizzy head and had to keep taking tablets to ease the dizziness and the icky feelings it was causing.

On Wednesday despite how ill I'd been the day before, T went out to work, not just normal work but work over an hour away, so even if I needed him and called he wouldn't be able to get home to help anyway =  I was on my own. I ended up keeping Angel because of the weather but I got all the housework done and some extra cleaning, T told me to take it easy but I just didn't have that choice.

Thursday T went out to a show for work for a few hours and I was left with Angel on my own after a very disturbed night...again. (All three of us keep having nasty nightmares which are keeping us all up and when one of us goes to sleep, another gets woken up.

Friday (goodness that was only yesterday), we had planed to go to shopping in the morning to get a shop for the week, but T got called into work and I was very annoyed, I hate changes of plans, I was looking forward to going out for a while despite my anxiety about it and I was so livid that he had to go in. I was trying very hard to keep my cool though and try to not let it show for T or for Angel. I thought about going out to get the things on my own with Angel but the list kept growing so I decided that it might be best order online or go the following day all together in the car.

Friday morning me and Angel just went out for a walk to the post box and around the area for a while instead. I was mostly panic free though which was nice and I enjoyed just getting out for a while. The break in the nasty weather meant that we wanted to enjoy being outside even more and we played out in the street for a little bit afterwards.
The day wore on with T saying that it was a small incident and he shouldn't be long until he was saying he didn't know how ling he would be but he ran out of hours at 9.00pm. I did the food, dealt with a very tired Angel who really needed a sleep. She didn't want to eat which pressed my buttons because I kept thinking she was ill ill but in the end I kept my patience under control enough to get her fed enough and got her to sleep. I didn't really bother with food for me most of the day but Angel was cared for, the animals were cared for and the house was lovely and clean and tidied. T came home at half past 8, took a conference call for half an hour then disappeared with his book for another two hours  so needless to say I didn't see him and we didn't talk much.

Today to me was kinda special, I was looking forward to going to a particular place that T had promised we could go so I could research for my book. I had been waiting to go for days and was really really looking forward to it. We had another bad night where we all didn't sleep much again and then as soon as we got up I could hear T talking on the phone to work and I just knew what he was going to say. I postponed going downstairs, dragged my feet and took my time getting dressed but I knew I had to go down and face the day. Sure enough I was right and he told me as soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs that he had to go in again but it should only be for a few hours.
A few hours once again went on and on and on until he has just come home now. Angel didn't have a nap again and it was hard to get her to eat. I managed to cope barely, I have now just finished the housework which even though T was home didn't offer to do any of and I'm just livid and so so tired I just want to cry.

Kardi came around this afternoon which for some reason I forgot to tell T about, but Kardi helped with Angel, played with her, helped to keep me sane and calm and he even helped with putting the shopping away and a few household things.

Angel is still awake but in bed, she's talking and played despite being so tired her eyes are hurting her. T is sitting on the sofa only a few feet from me but since he got back we've barely exchanged 10 words and I don't have anything to say to him. I feel like I'm doing this alone so I've pushed him away, far away and I don't know how to let him back in or even that I want to. I mean I must want to but so often I'm forced to do it alone, why not just keep him at a distance so I can do it alone easier when I have to? I'm so angry with him, with me and with his fucking work. It's tearing our relationship apart, surely he can see that. It would be better for him to leave and claim benefits and us have to have basic food surely? Or no can I do this alone, if I walked away now, could I do this? I can't walk away just because of his work. It's odd because he dreamed about me walking away from him earlier in the week. Is it so bad to just want him in a reliable job, one that I knew the times of and I knew if need be he could come to me? Is it so bad to just want my weekend, to want the two days at the end of the week so I can have some time to do my work, to do things I want to do and to have a fucking rest?

Then my brain whispers, you don't deserve it anyway. Well maybe I don't but Angel deserves a mum that works and she deserves a dad that is here for our evening meal, our weekends and to pissing tuck her into bed at night, I don't think he even went into her room to see her last night and now he's sitting on the sofa playing on his fucking phone.

I'm going to shut up moaning now and go in the shower. I know that having eaten so little all day and been busy doing everything my blood sugar is low and I feel very weak, weak enough to cry while I finished the housework, pushed myself through the last hour to get all the jobs done so we can live in a nice clean house. Maybe I should just book a holiday, go away for a few days; not give him a choice. I wish I could but the guilt and the money stop me. My only hope is that I don't crash from exhaustion.

Shower and tears await, I hope to make a nicer, more calm entry soon.

Triggers

I don't know why I haven't written here since Thursday... With the confidence from a special friend and from my husband I beat the panic back on Friday, I decided on Thursday night that I was going to have a go at it and I put some safety measure in place in case it went wrong. Then first thing on Friday morning I took a lorazapam (no messing about, I was going to do it!) then I got ready and had a small safe breakfast. I checked my change then took Angel out on foot with just our bags and a few shopping bags. We went to the post box first then we walked to the bus stop nearest us. The bus was already on it's way as we got there and I swallowed my fear and got on, paid and sat us both down. This was only the third time I'd taken Angel on a bus and the first time with her not in a pushchair. She enjoyed it loads and her joy of the journey completely distracted me from my fears and it seemed like only moments after getting on and thinking 'shit this is it!' to when we got to the bus stop after the one I planned to get off at which meant I'd even stayed on the bus round the huge round-a-bout which used to scare me nearly 7 years ago when I was well enough that I was working. 

We got off and walked up to the two shops, the first one we went in, we spent some time looking around and just enjoyed ourselves then we had to go across the car-park to the other shop where we needed to get all the shopping for the week (not just a few things to top us up, but the whole weekly shop which I can't usually do very well with T, completely alone). I can't believe I'm sitting here writing this now, but I did it, I did it and and stayed calm and I got it all and took my time to look around and enjoy just being out with Angel too. It really is disgustingly positive. I called T to come and pick us up after the shopping simply because of how late it had gotten and of how hungry I was as well as how heavy the shopping was going to be to carry home on the bus alone. 

The lorazapam knocked me out in the afternoon and then I ended up going to be at 7.00pm as well which is the earliest I've ever been to bed in my life as far back as I can remember. I think I thought that if I got a proper early night then I would actually wake up awake and refreshed the next day, but unfortunately it took a while to wake myself up on Saturday morning and this pissed me off as I felt like I'd wasted a night for no good reason. I again fought my fears though and this time only went out on some aconite and nothing else to a library that I hadn't been to before on the side of town that scares me. We had to park a distance from the library as well, but although I was scared and thought I felt ill, I got out the car and went in and before I knew what I was doing, I was alone in the children's section with Angel while T looked for his own books and I was okay even though I was far away from the doors and therefor even further from the car. 

From the library we went to the shopping park nearby and I took Angel in the shop on my own to get some of T's Yule presents. She helped me and even though I was alone and upstairs and it was a Saturday late morning so very busy I was okay and managed to get everything I wanted and had a look around too. 

This all sounds very positive but for some reason in the afternoon my mood dropped low, I don't know where it came from, I didn't even see it coming but it hit hard. I tried to hold my patience but I was short and snappy and moody and it wasn't fair on any of us especially T who got the brunt of it. I ended up self-harming using something that I thought would be impossible to do harm with but I guess if you are desperate enough you can manage it. T and I argued and talked and cried and eventually curled up on the sofa under a blanket just trying to rekindle something that we felt we'd lost. 

Sunday I was in a better mood, T took Angel out for a walk and I went to meet them in the big park on no meds which is huge feat for me on a Sunday when the mosque's and churches people are all parking outside and congesting up the roads and pavements in crowds. I used my bridging though, I listened to my music, felt the cold air on my fingers and my face. The sound of my footsteps on the pavement and I also nibbled some crisps while I walked along which helped with the nasty hunger pangs. It turned out to be a nice Sunday in the end including watching a movie together and generally enjoying each others company. I won't deny that I had to fight to stay calm at times, I have done today also. My anger seems to have kicked up a gear and I struggle to contain my frustration and irritability. Through thought labeling and bridging which T is encouraging me with, I am just about managing to hang onto control but I'm so easily triggered that one minute I'm crying for no reason, laughing, playing then straight to wanting to cut myself so deep I can watch the blood take my life away with it. I have an almost constant headache from the whiplash of it all but I guess he best thing I can take from this is that I am managing to stay in control for now. 

I want to be free

I am so full of hatred, it's so binding and hurtful and it just makes me want to curl up and cry alone. So much of it is focused inwards at myself but there is also some slipping out to the world around me, to my husband and our relationship, to my family, my old 'friends', the world, all the normal people in the world that can do what they want when they want without being bound by stupid fears in their broken heads. I feel like I'm turning into a ball of hatred and it makes me hate myself more.
Everything irritates me, from the faces people pull at me, to the sounds around me like adverts on the TV and the guinea-pigs biting the bars and shaking their drink bottle. I have managed to keep my hatred away from Angel today thankfully, that poor child deserves none of it.

I was supposed to go out and get the shopping today but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't face going out into the world. I knew I was set up for fail even when I was getting everything ready to go. I even got me and Angel into our coats and hats but we didn't go further than the end of the road. I feel like a total waste of space, I couldn't go and get the things I need especially tampons, so I'm now reduced to holding my bladder for as long as possible so I don't have the change my tampon and run out. I'd starved myself all morning to go, Angel was happy and fed, the weather was perfect and there was no one around, so why the hell couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I go and get the things we need, the things Angel needs and the things I need for my personal fucking health. Just before I stopped contact with my mum a similar thing happened and she didn't hesitate to tell me what a wreck I was to not be able to go out and get things I need to stay healthy and clean. I'm so ashamed. And after a childhood of shame, shame makes me angry. There goes the cycle again.

So tomorrow morning I try again I guess even though I know I can't do it. I won't be able to do it, I'll still try, I'll still get everything ready and masquerade as going, as being okay and normal.

Why are there so many people living in the world that can go and do these things? Why are there some of us that are cursed to go through this shit every time we want to go out, every time we wake up in the morning and realize we're still alive and still screwed. I don't even know why I'm still alive now, I was supposed to have died back in my teens but here I am at ffing 23, nearly 24 trying to be the person I can never be.

A little lighter, a spark brighter

After my last blog and at the request of a friend I opened up completely to T and we spoke a little more about what we should do about my mood. That night he helped me with some hypnotherapy and I felt I went into it really well, apparently I was in it throughout a fight between the rats and didn't even stir. I got that out of body feeling and everything went numb. T also got me started on my PTSD workbook again and it refreshed the bridging and thought labeling in my mind again and with his full support I've been working on it the last 3 days and there is a very visible difference. Yesterday T went into work for a while and I stayed home and looked after Angel. I did have one point where I lost it a little but after some thought labeling and a break from her for a few moments we were both in better moods and we carried on better again. It was still hard just getting through every hour, they seemed to drag and hurt much more than they should and my appetite was nonexistent. I didn't have the confidence to even try going out so I decided to stay in and just try to cope without putting more pressure on me. 

By the end of the day I felt worn down and tired but once Angel was in bed I made time for myself and had a lovely long shower where I took my time to wash my hair and just wind down. I still felt a little on edge but I did the work from my book and then I tried to do some writing for my novel but didn't get far before my body was exhausted but my mind wasn't at all ready for sleep - a very bad combination. We decided to go to bed but instead of going to sleep we (nope didn't do anything rude) I spent some time watching T play a game, I have always found this past time relaxing, I used to watch my mum and dad play on the Sega as a child and then I used to go to Kardi's house to watch him play his games and I just found it relaxing and fun. So that helped me more than I could have believed and I went to sleep feeling panicky but happier. 

I woke part way through the night and went downstairs as I was feeling very panicky but once I finally settled down again I slept better and woke up slowly to the sound of Angel singing to the TV while T cuddled me, what better way to wake up. 

I felt more confident and had a good breakfast then I just stepped up to being the mummy and went into mummy mode. T went upstairs to do his work and I looked after Angel on my own including going for a walk to the post box and the park and throughout I stayed calm even in terms of panic I used my thought labeling and my bridging and despite being anxious was okay. Me and Angel walked hand in hand and talked and discussed everything around us which was lovely and helped a lot. 

(Just been rambling on to T about our walk, there were so many little things that were lovely about it). 

I had a few times where I got a stressed and frustrated but I managed to keep them under control an  I had no urges to self-harm for the first time in weeks! Today has been better, I'm hoping I'm on an upwards trend and can continue to be the person I want to be. 

I don't know what to do.

The title about sums up how I feel, I thought I was doing better but I just can't cope. There's only one way I can see out of this right now. I just can't do this, I can't keep fighting against something that I've already lost to. The depression and anger is making me feel physically ill and I hate myself for not being able to look after Angel.

Visitors

I wrote a blog entry on Wednesday evening, but I ended up deleting it after a few hours because of what I'd written, It wasn't so much suicidal as incriminating and I didn't want anyone to know that side of me.

Monday I took Angel to town, I was on a lorazapam and it was hard and she played me up a little so it wasn't the relaxing Yule shopping trip I'd hoped for and I came home frustrated.

I started the week with anger, anger at everything and everyone. I felt like I was losing grip with everything around me and by Wednesday I had done some pretty stupid and horrible things which affected Angel badly and had convinced myself that because I had done things that my mum used to do to me, that I'd mentally abused her. That I am mentally abusing her and I'm going to wreck her life. I wouldn't open up and tell T what was wrong but when I did it all came spilling out and the anger turned to depression. I didn't want to wake up the next day, I wanted to die. I went to bed early The following day T and I continued to talk about it and he went into work leaving me with Angel even though I wasn't sure about it. I ended up calling him to come home when I was in floods of tears and couldn't cope. He decided we should go to the doctors and see what they say, I would NEVER reach for professionals but I knew how bad I was feeling, how empty and grey and I knew it couldn't stay that way so we went. To make it even worse it wasn't a morning appointment, it was an evening one and that was scary but to combat the panic we looked around a shop first so I could calm the main part of the panic before the docs. The doctor said it sounds like postnatal depression and postnatal OCD but she can't officially diagnose it after the child is over a year old. She diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder and put my Flouxidine up and also referred me to a psychiatric. I also have an appointment to see a psychologist in a few weeks which I'm terrified of.

The next day I don't know what came over me but I felt in control and okay and on absolutely no meds I took Angel into town again and we looked around and had a much more successful trip, more relaxed and more fun and no meds, I was blown away, that's time I've been to the city center without any meds to get me there in 7 years! Both T and I were astounded but I think a big part of it was from the grey numbness that's inside me at the moment, it helped me erect walls to stay safe.

As for putting my meds up; I started the higher dose that very same night but by yesterday I was feeling very poorly and was unable to eat or stand up with the nausea and dizziness so I talked it through with T and his friend who is staying here and has a whole list of his own mental issues and we came to the conclusion that my Vit D has dropped so to up that and see if it helps and also to stop the extra dose of floux because it isn't a solution in the longrun, I will eventually probably in the spring have to come back down and go through the side affects again being one of them, so yes for now I'm on my usual dose and today I'm feeling a little better.

Last night was a difficult night, I took a sedative to sleep through the nausea but it didn't work! I ended up feeling panicky and poorly all night and fighting sleep, falling in and out of it. Today was a huge test for me to see how far I've come. Firstly me, T, Angel and M (T's friend) all got into the car, and I travel with no one extra usually, Major panicky situation! But I did it, with some nail marks in my hand. We looked around a few shops and Angel set off my anger at myself again by only wanting Daddy and actually pushing me away several times and crying. It broke my heart and when we got home I took my lunch upstairs to our bedroom to cry alone, lick my wounds. T asked me when I came back out if I have new scars, and I could truthfully say I was tempted but no, no self-harm even though there was direct access to tools. He told me he was proud of me and that I'm strong which made me feel a bit better.
In the afternoon the house filled up beyond how many people I've probably seen in it in total. There was me, T, M, Kardi, my sister P and my dad and Angel all in the same room. I was on no meds, no aconite and had no drink to hand, but I did it and I didn't really panic. Wow that's a long way to come, so now to shake this depression and this nasty hatred and anger. Or at least find a safe outlet for it. I guess it could come down to something as simple as I haven't been doing enough writing which is definitely one of my outlets for the bad stuff; I get to get lost in a fantasy world where I'm free and safe and can be who I want to be.
I really really wish I could get back to being the person I was a few weeks ago, that amazing mum, that brilliant wife and homemaker and that generally happy and braver and more confident person.

Trying

After my last blog post which was very negative, I've told T how I'm feeling and I've been slowly pulling my mind back, I have had a nasty sore throat and strangely feeling poorly has actually helped me feel a bit better mentally. I just hope it won't come back bad again when I'm feeling better. 

Feeling poorly has had the negative affect of me not really going out though. Yesterday T took Angel for a walk to the post office to post a parcel of mine, I walked a little way with them but not far at all. Today I haven't even been outside the front door except to put things in the bin. I don't know whether it's just another excuse for me, seeing as I was so keen to take Angel into town this week to look round for Yule presents. I know my lorazapam intake has gone up again, but I'm managing some things I never dreamed of doing and on no meds. 

Tomorrow morning we have to go food shopping and in some ways I'm looking forward to it, to getting to go out with T and Angel. Last week I was a bit of a nervous wreck but I did it and despite the anxiety, I enjoyed it. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep tonight and wake up feeling able tomorrow. I need to sort myself out so that I can help a lot because with T's knees being bad, he can't push the trolley. 

Last night I was rudely awoken by the feel of cold water dripping on my head, when I'd woken up enough to actually see what was going on, I realized that it was the ceiling that was dripping. I woke T up and we had to get dressed and sort out the leakage in the loft. It involved lots of cold water, balancing in high scary places, carrying heavy buckets of grotty water around and up and down stairs and me having a Huge panic attack throughout.