Triggers

I don't know why I haven't written here since Thursday... With the confidence from a special friend and from my husband I beat the panic back on Friday, I decided on Thursday night that I was going to have a go at it and I put some safety measure in place in case it went wrong. Then first thing on Friday morning I took a lorazapam (no messing about, I was going to do it!) then I got ready and had a small safe breakfast. I checked my change then took Angel out on foot with just our bags and a few shopping bags. We went to the post box first then we walked to the bus stop nearest us. The bus was already on it's way as we got there and I swallowed my fear and got on, paid and sat us both down. This was only the third time I'd taken Angel on a bus and the first time with her not in a pushchair. She enjoyed it loads and her joy of the journey completely distracted me from my fears and it seemed like only moments after getting on and thinking 'shit this is it!' to when we got to the bus stop after the one I planned to get off at which meant I'd even stayed on the bus round the huge round-a-bout which used to scare me nearly 7 years ago when I was well enough that I was working. 

We got off and walked up to the two shops, the first one we went in, we spent some time looking around and just enjoyed ourselves then we had to go across the car-park to the other shop where we needed to get all the shopping for the week (not just a few things to top us up, but the whole weekly shop which I can't usually do very well with T, completely alone). I can't believe I'm sitting here writing this now, but I did it, I did it and and stayed calm and I got it all and took my time to look around and enjoy just being out with Angel too. It really is disgustingly positive. I called T to come and pick us up after the shopping simply because of how late it had gotten and of how hungry I was as well as how heavy the shopping was going to be to carry home on the bus alone. 

The lorazapam knocked me out in the afternoon and then I ended up going to be at 7.00pm as well which is the earliest I've ever been to bed in my life as far back as I can remember. I think I thought that if I got a proper early night then I would actually wake up awake and refreshed the next day, but unfortunately it took a while to wake myself up on Saturday morning and this pissed me off as I felt like I'd wasted a night for no good reason. I again fought my fears though and this time only went out on some aconite and nothing else to a library that I hadn't been to before on the side of town that scares me. We had to park a distance from the library as well, but although I was scared and thought I felt ill, I got out the car and went in and before I knew what I was doing, I was alone in the children's section with Angel while T looked for his own books and I was okay even though I was far away from the doors and therefor even further from the car. 

From the library we went to the shopping park nearby and I took Angel in the shop on my own to get some of T's Yule presents. She helped me and even though I was alone and upstairs and it was a Saturday late morning so very busy I was okay and managed to get everything I wanted and had a look around too. 

This all sounds very positive but for some reason in the afternoon my mood dropped low, I don't know where it came from, I didn't even see it coming but it hit hard. I tried to hold my patience but I was short and snappy and moody and it wasn't fair on any of us especially T who got the brunt of it. I ended up self-harming using something that I thought would be impossible to do harm with but I guess if you are desperate enough you can manage it. T and I argued and talked and cried and eventually curled up on the sofa under a blanket just trying to rekindle something that we felt we'd lost. 

Sunday I was in a better mood, T took Angel out for a walk and I went to meet them in the big park on no meds which is huge feat for me on a Sunday when the mosque's and churches people are all parking outside and congesting up the roads and pavements in crowds. I used my bridging though, I listened to my music, felt the cold air on my fingers and my face. The sound of my footsteps on the pavement and I also nibbled some crisps while I walked along which helped with the nasty hunger pangs. It turned out to be a nice Sunday in the end including watching a movie together and generally enjoying each others company. I won't deny that I had to fight to stay calm at times, I have done today also. My anger seems to have kicked up a gear and I struggle to contain my frustration and irritability. Through thought labeling and bridging which T is encouraging me with, I am just about managing to hang onto control but I'm so easily triggered that one minute I'm crying for no reason, laughing, playing then straight to wanting to cut myself so deep I can watch the blood take my life away with it. I have an almost constant headache from the whiplash of it all but I guess he best thing I can take from this is that I am managing to stay in control for now.