Bravery

For date night tonight T and I just decided to curl up on the sofa together and watch some of our favourite programs. Chillaxing as K would call it. On one of the programs it addressed PTSD issues and was very triggering in terms of my PTSD and panic attacks. I could feel my panic coming on and T asked me whether he should switch it off but I asked him not to. I was safe in my home, with my husband. I wasn't going to let the panic get me. It was almost a challenge to myseld watching it, but at the same time I KNEW I could do it and be fine. End result I'm here in one piece, panic free. I did it.

The final thing I wanted to talk about tonight before sleep was one of my closest friends. Tonight I read another of her blog entries and was in tears before I'd even got half way through. She's amazing and Is forced to cope with so much. I really aspire to be as strong and brave as she is. 

A day full of met challenges. A looong entry

This is a long one and there is some positive stuff that might give people heart attacks if they know me well. 

The plan for today was to go and do our weekly shopping at a supermarket. Angel had T up at half past 5 because she was having a nasty nightmare. 

I got up a little later and we all had breakfast together. I spent my breakfast.. thinking..... Thinking is always a bad thing for me to do when my train of thoughts go in 'that' direction. I ended up coming to the conclusion that the more times I go out and I'm fine, the more likely it is that the next time I won't be. That at any time I could have a sickness bug and not know and it could come on when I'm out and I could get ill in public. This was making me feel edgy about going out. I was convinced it was a warning that I would get ill today while I was out. 

I don't know why I didn't but despite all of that I didn't take any meds. I had my usual aconite when I first got up but none to actually go out. I was very reluctant to go out and T offered me the chance to stay home more than once, which I know was him being nice but didn't help my strength and I had to force myself to say no and go out. 

We traveled up there and I forced myself out of the car and into the shop despite feeling a little dizzy and very on edge. Angel insisted on walking and helping and this actually helped me rather than hindered because she gave me extra to concentrate on. I walked around the whole shop, remembered what we needed and went off on my own and with Angel alone sometimes. After we had paid and were ready to go out, Angel spotted some pretty lighters in a display case, opposite the checkouts at the back of the shop. I went over to have a look and T decided to get me one. He stayed to pay and ask for the engraving while I took Angel out to the car and put the shopping into it. From there we walked across to the other shop while the man was engraving and we had a look around the whole shop, again Angel and I went off on our own quite a bit and I was completely calm and wasn't worried at all about not having the car key. We took our time and browsed.  We went back over to the other shop and I went in alone, without my bag and all my safety things to get the lighters. He hadn't even finished the first one and I ended up having to wait in the busy shop, right at the back, next to the checkout's with none of my safety stuff, alone and for quite a while. The only problem I had was that I was hungry, I got the rumbles and had to sip my drink to keep them at bay but apart from that, no panic and even through the icky rumbling I still managed to stand there and do it with only a little anxiety and no panic. 

It's fair to say I walked out of the shop beaming. When we got home, there were people waiting outside our house to look around and view it. T took them in and got the shopping and Angel. There was a time, only back in March when having people in my house freaked me out and made me panic like mad, on top of that I was dealing with Angel alone, getting heavy bags in, just eaten some crisps in the car and there was quite a group of people which had been there as soon as I got back, no time to even go in and settle down. It's only now thinking back on it that I realise what a feat it was to do it, that I did that and I had no panic, I even carried on eating while they were here. 

After a lunch and then a nice big rocky road ice-cream with chocolate sauce, toffee sauce, biscuit crumbs, chocolate and marshmallow flavor ice-cream and chocolate sprinkles, I then offered to have Phia for the afternoon while K and A went and did some shopping and had some them free time without any children. I was actually excited about it. Not long later they dropped her off and we spent an afternoon playing and drawing, I took the lead on the care of the girls and T sorted out some photos and was quite quiet as he was feeling a little rough, the girls have both had/ have got a cold which he now seems to have. 

While I was still looking after Phia, my dad and my sister; P came over. Both Phia and Angel limpeted onto me which was sweet and we had a three way cuddle, complete with kisses and cuddly toys for about half an hour. In a room full of people with two little girls pinning me down, I was okay and yet again I'd eaten, but it didn't even cross my mind until just this minute. 

K and A came back to pick Phia up while dad and P were here and then the living room was even more full of people, but I didn't even consider panic. When Phia, A and K had gone home, dad and P stayed and I got hungry so... T went to the shop and we got chips, I ate a whole full meal, complete with a huge ice lolly afterwards with them here, watching me. They didn't go for a while after and in the past if the panic doesn't get me when I'm actually eating, it does after. No panic. Now they have gone and I have worked my ass off doing the housework as T doesn't feel well. 

I'm worried that my sprint of good luck is going to come to an end soon. This is too much good luck, too much normality for someone like me. A huge part of me doesn't think I deserve it. 

Ramble alert, I've been thinking again...........

It's been 5 months, since the 1st of Feb when I took my first flouxidine and started on this journey to find myself. In five months I've gone from being a total wreck 24/7 to managing to stay calm on no meds when I'm out and about. From worrying for days before I go out even to the shop that's only 2 mins from my house to being excited about going out the next day, excited to challenge myself, excited to see the joy on Angel's face while we walk around and explore the world. If I never get any better than I am now, then I will be satisfied, I am living more now than I have ever lived in my entire life. All my birthdays came at once today, I had a normal, Satruday. I'm not stupid enough to think that every day will be normal, I'm not stupid enough to think that this will last but I am enjoying it while it does. I am dragging out every moment of happiness with my family, even moment of time when the vast majority of people take going to the shop or for a walk or to feed the ducks for granted. I will never take this life for granted. I have worked too hard to get here and I am still working too hard just to maintain it. 

For some reason I was on a down, I don't know whether it was me thinking about how much I don't deserve this, worrying that it will get taken away from me, annoyed that T is ill and I'm getting no work done, or just tired, in need of a shower, and achey. (my shoulders and back ache like buggery). Now though I'm feeling more positive, how can I not reading that. So mother dearest if you are doing your usual thing and sending shite my way mentally because dad and P got to see your grand daughter and you don't get to, nah nah nah, im not yours right now, I'm free nah nah na nah nah. 

Of course I may be on a manic and I'll be back to being your trapped little girl again soon. Fecking mood cycling. 

Worried husband, worried wife

Today has been a quiet day. Last night I made myself got to sleep before the self-harming urges could get the better of me. They hadn't entirely gone over night however. T went out to work and I decided that today was a hide away and push people away day. I put my phone on silent and just sat knitting while Angel played with her toys. I very very rarely leave her to play alone, unless I'm cooking or cleaning while she's awake but even then I'll try to involve her. But today I don't know, I was happy just to watch her happily playing by herself, and I didn't even feel that selfish for doing it because she was definitely happy and when she needed or wanted me she let me know. I think that's okay, that's okay isn't it? I get so confused about good and bad, when I was a child, my mum didn't play with me, she used to just leave me to my own devices then tell me off for getting into things or making the smallest of messes. So I have the thing of thinking am I doing that to Angel. The abused brain and free brain squabble a lot.

I decided in the end with my guilt to go to the shop and buy a cake making kit to make some cakes with Angel. We set out the mat and she helped me move everything into the living room where we stirred and got messy making cakes. K came around just as we were finishing making them and I have to say it was a surprise but a very very very welcome one. It pulled me out of my hiding which was exactly what I needed. She even brought me some chocolate and Angel some choccie mice. I had had a non safe breakfast but I felt completely safe and calm with her again, it always amazes me how relaxed she makes me.

After K had gone home, Angel refused to eat the lunch I made her and even when I gave her a second choice she refused that too. I was annoyed and as well as getting annoyed at her, I felt like self-harming again. Thankfully a surprise phone call from T and some texts from L and I was feeling less like acting on them. Angel also decided that she wanted an early nap and that gave me some time to myself. I decided that I would turn my self-hatred into creativity and make a card that T had asked me to make. I enjoyed that and got covered in glitter and Angel was fast asleep so I took out my notebook and started writing notes on my latest novel. From there I started writing the next chapter and ended up pretty much writing a whole chapter. I was so out of touch with the real world though that I tried to feed Angel over an hour early, then I managed to bun her pasta and I don't even know what I did to T's but it looked furry! I wish I'd taken a picture now, never seen pasta like that before.

In the end T ordered a pizza but unfortunately when it came the sauce they'd used was too hot for me and I am not nibbling some crisps and biscuits instead.

Now for the title. T is feeling very run down, I think he's depressed again. I know exactly how he feels, there is a whole series of things that have caused it. Things like the ongoing attempt at selling the house, especially now he knows I don't want to, money, his knees etc, and now his teeth too. One has broken an one has moved. He is feeling anxious about going, I'm not the only one that is afraid of going to the dentist. I definitely want to go with him, I should be there to support him, so bugger my anxiety, I am going to be.

Now it's date night and tomorrow we are going shopping, hopefully our night together will be nice and we will manage to get T more relaxed and happier.

Thursday 28th June, a good morning

Yesterday morning the goal was to meet K and walk to the post office to send a parcel to my friend in Wales. I got up an hour later than ideal and only took half a lorazapam. I was running late so K came here first. I didn't feel at all ready or prepared. But I got the stroller ready and we went out. First up to the post box and I was quite anxious. Not panicky but anxious. From there we walked up to the post office and I tried to keep calm and focussed on what I was there to do. I sent the parcel and got all of T's stamps then we took a slow walk back to K's house. I thought I'd panic once we got there but I actually felt like I was at a second home. I drank a glass of coke and even ate some crisps there. I felt relaxed and even drowsy sitting chatting and watching the dogs and Angel and Phia playing.

Positive Day

Last night I got myself as prepared as I could for my first day back on primary Angel care while T was back at work. I got up later than intended and ate a small breakfast, actually It was bigger than I realised because I had it in two meals. I think if that was today.

I have to apologise, I'm feeling very panicky at the moment and I'm all over the place. I'm hoping writing my blog will help. Not sure if ill talk about the trigger for the panic or not though. I want to, I've wanted to a while but been too scared to.

Back to this morning anyway. T went out and Angel didn't cry like I thought she would. We started playing some games and she completely surprised me by doing her new jigsaws alone and then playing a game on my phone where she had to choose the right number, she demonstrated to me that although she only vaguely knows which order they go in, she can point out and recognise at least 1-10. I almost cried with amazement.

We decided to go out for a walk, keeping the goal as the post box for our first time alone for over a week. I felt okay enough to go the long way round and Part way there Angel told me she wanted to go to the park, I told her Maybe and that id try. We got to the post box and posted the letter then went through the little park. Out on the main road in the direction of the big park with the swans, ducks and geese, I realised I'd not only gone out on no lorazapam, id also not had any aconite either. This both scared me and spurred me on. We went into the busier big park and walked all round the water, out onto the main road and back past the pond/lake again. We watched the cygnits and ducks and Angel was good when I told her we wernt going in the play area today. I was intending to go a long way home but part way back Angel and I were both scorching hot and needed to get changed.

We then spent the rest of the day playing, cooking pie for the first time ever from scratch and cleaning. We generally had a nice day even with a few strops and Angel bot having any rest time at all.

As soon as T came home Angel started acting up again, doing her silly fake, give me attention daddy, crying. I tried and succeeded not to get annoyed and just took it as a,positive that even though she wasn't feeling 100% again today she was better behaved than id expected Ass proved the theory that its a daddy thing. I'm really hoping for as good of a day tomorrow.

I've chickened out of taking about my panic trigger again. I'm finally calming and getting tired. I'm going out with K tomorrow morning so maybe ill have a chat about it then.

Last day of the holiday

Today was the last day that T has off work for a while, probably until Angel's birthday. 


The plan was for us to go to a different town centre which we hadn't been too since a few years before Angel was born. It's a major tourist trap so even on a normal weekday it is pretty bustling with coach loads of people and locals (who tend to be a little snobby). 


I took half a lorazapam in the morning first thing, I would usually take a whole one or more for such a huge challenge but I only had half to hand and thought that if I got too panicky I could always take more. I decided to have a small scotch pancake for breakfast with lemon curd for the sugar to get my blood sugar going without having to eat too much. What I didn't consider though was that I ate it hot and just after taking lorazapam, it wasn't long before I felt very drowsy. We traveled there and I was fine,texting a friend and feeling too tired to be panicky. We parked in one of the multistory car-parks at the bottom and walked out straight into the high street where coach loads of people were un boarding and grouping together. We looked around some shops and I ended up getting some lovely nom nommy toffee coffee which is yummy and T has given me his old coffee making machine now he has his new aero-press so I have my own big sexy coffee machine and new scrumptious coffee to make in it :) this makes me happy- and a little sugar and caffeine hyped. T got some new tea's for himself and we brought some lemon and lime tea which you make like powdered juice and serve cold, Angel loved the sample and demanded more. (there is no caffeine so we got her some). Lovely summer drink with ice-cubes and slices of lemon or/and lime. Getting thirsty now....


We also brought me some amulets, in the Pagan shop they have there, to help with my self confidence and inner strength. We also got some crystals and I got some worry dolls from the same shop, it smelled lovely in there and the atmosphere was relaxed and safe, could have stayed there ages. 


I walked around feeling a little on edge but able to go into the shops and was mostly in a drowsy daze. I kept nibbling and thought I was okay but for some reason as soon as we went to get some food, I freaked out. I haven't done that in a long long time, yes food makes me worry a little more, but it doesn't usually send me n a complete tizzy fit anymore. I sat in the quiet part of the resteraunt while T went round the corner and out of sight to get our lunch. I sat talking to Angel and sipping my drink, but I couldn't stop panicking especially when people kept walking past us and then a man sat down right next to us. I wasn't coping and I think T could see, as soon as he came towards us his expression just softened and he looked almost sorry for me, not a look I see on him often. But then I was sitting there in the edge of the seat, with my nails digging into my arms while my lips where white and my face just as pale. 


We left the shop and walked at a very fast pace back towards the car, realizing it was a lot further away that we thought it was. I kept thinking; there is nowhere safe, if I'm ill now, everyone will see, everyone will be disgusted with me. I'm disgusting, I can't let people see me like that. On and on inside my mind the words played over and over, the pictures played on a loop and I just bypassed the elastic bands and went straight to my skin again. 


By the time we managed to get back to the car, I could barely hold myself up anymore and was feeling very confused. I couldn't even open the car door to get inside and when I did I opened it on myself and almost fell over. T got me and Angel in the car and got me starting to eat, it was my blood sugar that had dropped that had me confused and close to collapse again, with some help from my blood pressure and a lot of help from my panic. After I'd eaten a little I just wanted to go home and I almost fell asleep on the way back, which isn't like me unless I'm on sedatives. 


Over all though before the panic and all that I did have a nice time and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drank nearly as much as I obviously needed to was probably a big part of the problem. 


In the afternoon I had some lunch and recovered and managed to get some work done while Angel had her nap. This evening I was beginning to feel a little depressed again and suspected it had something to do with the fact that T goes back to work tomorrow and I am with Angel alone. All she wants right now is daddy and I'm terrified that she will just cry for him and not want me. Terrified that it will be hard like it used to be, when every hour felt like it dragged for days and I counted down until I wouldn't be alone any more. 


I decided to have a bath with pink water and confetti. I used a face mask, a hot oil hair mask and some after wash stuff to help the condition of my hair too. I very rarely have any time like that but I felt like I needed some sort of a cleansing tonight. 


Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling confident and even if Angel and I only manage to walk up to the post box and maybe Daisy park it will be something. Starting at low goals and working up after being with T for so long and not having to cope on my own and with having been away and finding things generally easier there. 


I had better get some sleep and hope that Angel behaves tomorrow and that I can cope and that I manage to get out. I'm kind of in a weak phase at the moment where I don't want to push myself but I guess that means I need to push harder. I can't help but feel that I'm doing it all for nothing in the long run though. When the big bad comes along, and it will at some point... what then? 

A loooooong panic

Last night I managed to somehow end up with insomnia for a few hours until gone two in the morning then when I did get to sleep, for some reason I was awake every hour afterwards having panic attacks while not really being awake, I have scratches down my legs and over my knees and arms from the panic but only vaguely remember doing them. I can remember the stinging pain and feeling like I couldn't breathe. It was quiet traumatic but I did manage to sleep upstairs in bed. 


This morning we were planning to go swimming or something similar but the prices put us with it being so close to pay day. T was feeling poorly too, so we decided on a small trip out to a local retail park to pick up some new trainers for me and Angel and some hair things. I didn't feel very panicky on the way over there or when we first got there, I only felt a little odd because my hay-fever was playing up and I kept getting the feeling like I couldn't breathe and I felt dizzy from my ear. We looked around Mothercare and there was a massive sale on, so we got some things for Angel's birthday. By the time we came out of that shop, I was feeling panicky and I'm not entirely sure what set it off. I stood near the car, feeling absolutely terrified of going any further away towards the shoe shop that we needed to go in. I had my hand on my pill box to take a lorazapam but T said to me to try without and if I needed to come back to the car and take some then I would. I agreed and put the box away and walked along with T and Angel to the shop, with my nails already digging into my skin to give me something, except the nausea caused by the panic, to focus on. I found some shoes I liked and we spent a long time looking for a pair for Angel, trying ones on her and getting her measured, the whole time I spent feeling either panicky or FFing panicky. Every time I thought I was starting to calm down it would start up again. We left the shop with what we went in for and I guess I won against the anxiety but I definitely had battle scars to show for it, my arms were red, swollen and sore from my nails. I walked up to Boots on my own with Angel while T moved the car, it was an effort but I held Angel's hand and tried to focus on her, on anything other than how I was feeling. We went straight inside the shop with T when he'd parked nearer to make me feel a little more comfortable. Angel completely broke the panic for a short while, by pretending to wash her hair with every bottle of shampoo and conditioner she could find on the shelves. Unfortunately it didn't stay away, it came straight back and hit me hard again. More scratches later but after getting what we wanted I got Angel in the car while T brought some jacket potatoes from the van outside the shop. 


When we got home, I realized just how hungry I was, but my tummy was also feeling very sensitive from all the anxiety and churning. 


After so much stress and panic during the morning, I was looking forward to having a sit down and getting on with some work when Angel had her nap and T went out for a while. It didn't happen like that though, I needed to make up bottles and to do that I had to wash bottles up, then there was loads more to wash up, then the washing to change over and sort out, then work surfaces to clean off and make space for cooking, and dough to start making. T came home and I tidied up and cleared the living room to make space for K's family to all be able to play and sit down to eat happily. 


I had a bit of a dip before Angel woke up, I had managed to exhaust myself I think and then I found out some news that upset me a little and just a whole little collection of things made me feel like crying. 


K and her family arrived and although I felt anxious at first, I had some lorazapam (gave in, weak) and I calmed down enough to eat and enjoy myself and let the depression go. I always have a great time with them and the little voice in my mind keeps whispering to me that it won't last, that I won't be good enough, I never have been. I can get a little addicted to people which leaves me open and undefended, ~Not that I'm saying I'll get hurt, urgh can't get it into words, hope I'm not upsetting anyone. For an author I'm crap with words.


Now I'm sitting down feeling exhausted and ready for an early night which I'm guessing I won't end up having. 


Tomorrow is T's last day off work and we are hoping to be able to travel to a different town centre and look around the shops and perhaps visit the butterfly farm they have there, depending on time and money. I guess if T's knees are bad or I'm feeling to much of a whimp to go then we will have to come up with something else to do. I feel like I should be getting ready for a battle regarding tomorrow but right now I'm falling asleep writing this, I have no energy left for battling. 


Good night

Jet lagged

Yesterday was a very very mixed day, I think I was still under the influence of the meds from the travel home. It feels like I was jet lagged. After my rough night in Angel's room T let me sleep in for a few hours then I got up and K, A, Phia and the boys came over. We gave them their presents and caught up somewhat but as much as I love them to bits, I can't recall much from the morning, only giggling, hugs and a kiss :)

After some lunch, a shower and a rest I felt more with it and in the afternoon we decided to go over to K's house to see them for a while. I was feeling very full still from a biggish lunch which I'd wolfed down and was extremely anxious as a result. I didn't have any medication. We took the car so I could run out to it if I needed to, but I was still so nervous and panicky when we first got there. K showed me around and that helped calm me a little, and playing with the water snake also helped. Just silly small distractions and eventually I calmed down enough to relax completely and was reluctant to come home again.

I have no idea what happened to my mood once we got home, but it went downhill drastically and T and I ended up having an argument just after Angel went to bed. I was feeling pissed off again because of the way T treats her and the things she gets away with while I try to keep to what is best for us when he is at work and I put everything into her and its all I want Daddy, fuck you mummy. (She doesn't actually say that but acts that was metaphorically.) It made me feel like shit and I shut myself in the kitchen with all the washing up and cleaning that needed doing and got out a few knifes which I was intending to use on myself, more out of frustration than anything else. T came into the kitchen a moment later and apologized and I no longer felt like hurting myself, but I was still angry. For some reason I wasn't calming down from that state of mind and the more I was alone the more I wanted to be on my own until hearing Angel crying out for her daddy over and over because she felt poorly and I wasn't good enough, I' had enough. I went into the bedroom and lay down and cried. I as itching to take out my blade and end it all. I wanted to ask for help but I wanted to be left to do it, to get it over with and leave.
T came upstairs just before I did anything, again and lay down behind me, while I just cried and half wished for him to leave the room and half hoped he'd stay.

It was all a blur for a while until I remember sitting downstairs wrapped up in my dressing gown, with my notepad in my hand, working away. K had been texting and had helped talk me down and T had done exactly the right thing. I decided to go to bed early, thinking that a lot of how I felt probably was due to tiredness. However I gulped down a load of cold squash and ended up giving my tummy a chill I think, it felt horrible and it started me off panicking and I ended up getting up and coming downstairs. I slept on the sofa wrapped in my blankets. This morning I was going to get up with Angel and T but T suggested I go back to bed to set me up better for the day and give me a better chance of coping.

I got up about half past ten in the end and I did feel a lot better for the longer sleep after nights of disturbed sleep and lots of sedative side affects. I wasn't up long before I declared that I needed to go out and get some money for the next few weeks, so I have some change in my purse. We got in the car on no meds and went up to the supermarket nearby, we got out of the car, got money from the cash point then we inside the shop and I went a certain amount in, even feeling dizzy because of my ears. I didn't go all the way around but  I didn't expect to be going inside at all, so I didn't mind.

The rest of today has involved cooking, cleaning and more cleaning, now followed by some work.
Angel is sitting up in bed crying and crying out for her daddy in a really whiny way and I'm beginning to lose my rag but trying to stay calm. I'm just so fed up of hearing her moan and wail all the time.
I want to go out and walk and get some air but I can't even do that because I've eaten.

Going to try and finish this quick and sit outside for 5 mins to avoid feeling like I want to hurt myself.

A rough night.

Last night I ended up setting up a little makeshift bed on Angels floor for the night. I had no choice but to take my nous meds which had the effect of making me extremely tired and drowsy especially with the drugs I'd taken earlier. Angel wasn't very well, I kept refreshing the tea tree and olbus oil on her pillow and rubbing vics on her chest. The poor thing kept waking up crying because she couldn't breathe. She woke up at least once an hour, sometimes a lot more than that and I managed to stay calm and confort her. Poor thing. She woke up between 6-7am and I took her to T who took over for a few hours while I slept.

Our friends K, A, Phia and the boys came over at 10 and we gave them their presents and caught up a bit. I had LOADS I wanted to tell K but I was feeling so out of it. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and I can chat her ear off about everything we did.

Today will just be a slow rest day and hopefully in a few days Angel will be feeling much better.

Back Home Again

I'm writing this using my computer now that I'm back home again and it is a hell of a lot easier. 


Last night was a bit of a nightmare, Angel kept waking up crying because of the wind and in the end T ended up going and sleeping in her room with her. 


This morning I woke up to the sound of them talking away in the other bedroom and it made me feel happier. I took my meds that would ensure I would be calm and mostly knocked out then I finished packing everything and then I felt the meds beginning to work and I had a few biscuits. When everything was in the car and we were ready we set off, going along the coast to say a final goodbye to the beach and the sea. A lot of the journey was fuzzy until we stopped an hour in at a services to get food and a big panic attack set it. I had to walk through a huge room with various food outlets all around it and weave through the hundreds of tables and people sitting eating, all the different food smells and sounds. I managed to get to the bathroom and then made my way back out, trying to keep calm while my head was spinning and I felt out of it. 


We had to sit in the car and wait for a while before I felt ready to move again, and I took another anti-emetic suggested by T, to knock me out and stop the nausea feeling. I kinda knew at the time what it was, I was due my lady time and my tummy always feels wibbly before that. We pulled out onto the motor way again but Angel wasn't interested in her DVD much any more, or her food. The last few hours were spent with me desperately trying to stay awake to help out with Angel while T got more and more grumpy and tired because of her behavior and because of his knees hurting. Angel was just overtired from not sleeping much the night before. We all were. I regretted taking the second tablet because I didn't get to sleep it off, so I'm not feeling out of it in a bad way. 


We got home at about two in the afternoon to find the animals very happy and extremely well looked after, the house was clean, smelled lovely, tidy and there were all sorts of jobs that had been done for us, to make it easier for when we got back. Thank you K, You're wonderful.


I managed to get myself to eat a little then T's knees were hurting so half asleep, I set to work on unpacking the two 4ft bags, Angel's toy bag, the travel bag and the two 3ft bags. I managed to get it all done, but instead of sitting down I decided to get on with more things to keep myself awake. I washed all the bathroom, rearranged everything around the bath, washing-up the washing, putting the clean washing away (Thank you to my special friend for folding it for me). 


By the time I had finished everything it was nearly time for Angel to go to bed and after making bottles for tonight and tomorrow we took her up to bed. She's now sleeping back in her own cot. 


I've just sat down and wrapped all the presents I got for people on holiday, couldn't resist and they deserve to be wrapped and special. Now I'm wondering what to do with myself, Considering doing some work for the first time in just under a week. I ended up not working apart from one day on holiday. 


Last thing again,,,,,, THANK YOU K!

Holiday day 6 (final day)

This morning I woke up feeling much happier after a good evening of me and T just sitting near each other playing games and reading.

It was rainy and dull outside so we'd chosen the best option yesterday to go to the beach and pool. The plan for today was shopping.

My tummy was already feeling a bit yacky from worrying about travelling home tomorrow. We arrived at the shopping place and my arm was dotted with various nail marks from my panic and desperation. I really didn't feel up to getting out of the car but I knew it was our last day so I forced myself and T suggested I have half a lorazapam to smoothe things along. On the way from the parking place to the shops there were two girls,one looked fine, one wasn't looking so well and she asked her friend to stop for a moment. Then she was leaning against the wall when I turned back. I almost went back to the car but they were between me and it.

T encouraged me to keep going and when we went into the first shop I felt completely supported by him and my mind slowly calmed down and set to shopping instead. We got everything we were looking for and then we went to get some lunch. We brought mcdonalds but instead od going back to the car to eat or go home we sat in a park on a bench and ate... well T and Angel ate, I scoffed. We walked back to the car and I didn't even know where of was, it was about half a mile away and hard to locate. I don't know how I ate and didn't mind.

We travelled back to the apartment and I had some more lunch while we persuaded Angel to eat more too. Then it was toffee cake mmmmm. While Angel had her quiet time then on full tummies we went out again to the arcade then the small supermarket then to the cliffs to watch the sea. I was on no meds and when we were walking back we brought a big icecream sundae with Orange and citrus sprinkles and strawberry sauce. Bright colours... did I care.. apparently not, between the three of us it was gone by the time we were half way back.

Now I've done most of the packing, had dinner, been for a short walk (on my full tummy) and now I'm about to play games to try to distract my mind from the depressing feeling of leaving and the fear of travelling.

Holiday day 5 continued

This afternoon the idea had been to go swimming now the pool is open again. I wasn't sure but I had some lorazapam and got the bags ready for when Angel woke up. I was very unconvinced but we got ready once Angel woke up and we walked there. It was completely empty except us and that made me feel calmer. Angel loved it after an initial unsure phase. She picked up kicking her legs and moving her arms and she astounded both me and T with her confidence and bravery. I was struggling at times, swimming has always been very scary for me. The fact that it was so quiet helped me and I tried to focus on playing and teaching Angel and set little challenges to myself like swimming across the pool, swimming under water etc. We were in there about an hour then Angel started getting tired so we came back and cooked dinner. All three of us were ravenous. Now I've eaten sweat and sour chicken with vegetable rice and despite the colours I'm now debating whether to go to the arcade for a while on my own on my full tummy and no meds. Not sure whether ill manage it or even be brave enough yet.

Holiday day 5.

This morning I got up, did my hair and got dressed In a pretty black and white summer dress and my new white shoes. Angel was being a bit of a moody pain in the butt and T huffed and got annoyed about me keep snapping at her.
I was triggered. But I'm glad he said something. I felt told and stopped telling Angel off. I went quiet and went upstairs to get changed, feeling none of the confidence is felt all week. I put on my usual jeans and top and wore a long shirt. I wanted to punish myself. Kept thinking about the knives in my bag. I was going to stay at the chalet while T took Angel to the beach. I didn't deserve to go and enjoy myself. I did end up going but stayed in my jeans.
I tried my best not to cry and tried to enjoy myself with T and Angel. We paddled in the sea. Not ideal in jeans really. And dug a huge mound in the sand.

Now were back at the apartment and just had lunch. I found that when Angel is doing something I feel like I need to tell her off for I think twice, question myself and don't behave so forcefully. Feel like I'm just in the wrong

Holiday day 4 continued

I ended up falling asleep on the sofa beside T while Angel slept. It was very unlike me but it was probably the lorazapam and the warm food, I always forget and do that. They both woke me up at half 3 and I walked round to see if the pool was open, it was closed again for the same problem but it had been open in the morning.

We were all disappointed even me who was now on 0 meds and terrified of going swimming.

We decided to take Angel to a big indoor soft play area instead and she was so happy and confident but say at the same time. She carried her Peppa Pig around with her and was showing the other children. I managed to keep my anxiety mostly under control then we left to go into the arcade. I was completely calm by this point and was entertained by Angel trying to play the racing games,  more 2ps. I won Angel a cute little green  dinosaur for her room.

Angel is now fed, bathed and in bed with her chocolate milk and its all quiet. Giving me a chance to think about how quick its all going and begin to feel depressed about going home. I keep reminding myself of the good things at home. Of K and Phia and mine and Angels special mummy daughter mornings. But at home everything seems so much harder. I feel like here Im not bound by the same rules. That I'm on a learning curve and I don't want that to end. I miss home but I font want my freedom taken away again.

Holiday day 3 and 4

Monday day 3
It was wet and manky when we first got up and we decided to go to the sealife centre. I took no lorazapam and travelled over there fine. Inside it was like s maze with only one way in and out and lots of people. I was nervous to begin with but I focussed on how much fun Angel was having and had a nibble of some crisps then I felt a bit better and calmer too.
It was lovely looking around at everything and I was so proud of myself for doing it all on nothing.
By the time we came out I browsed round the gift shop while T just hovered behind me seeming uninterested. So we left there and expected us to walk down to the arcades and shops but everything I suggested T didn't seem enthusiastic about and I felt more and more depressed and stupid for suggesting things. I told T he'd triggered me, he said sorry but you cant undo a trigger. We walked on the beach for a while, picking up stones then we went back to the car and back to the chalet. We got chips on the way back and I very much regretted eating them when they laid heavy on my tummy all afternoon and kept repeating on me until early hours of the morning. We ended up staying in and watching a movie and then playing outside on the grass later.

Tuesday day 4
This morning the sun was out so we decided to go out to the beach and play and have a look at the arcade and some shops. 
I took 3/4 of a lorazapam and we went out. The beach was cooler than we expected but we made castles and had a great time. When Angel started to get bored we walked to some shops and a bakery then back up to the beach and arcade. The arcade was great, I lost myself for over an hour on the 2p machines before T and Angel came to get me to move because I had the apartment key.

Now Angel is sleeping and thanks to my meds I'm struggling to stay awake too. We are hoping to go swimming or take Angel to a soft play area later.

Going leave it there, I'm so exhausted.

Holiday day 2

Last night, I was worried about going to sleep but managed to sleep okay despite T getting up in the night and waking me up. I had a small panic attack but managed to go back to sleep.
I was a bit slow getting going this morning but we decided to go out to the park with Angel. I took no meds and we went out. Angel had a great time playing and the air helped me wake up. We walked all the way down to the cliffs above the beach and then walked back to the apartment to get ready to go swimming. I was very anxious. Swimming is a major panic creater for me. I took a quarter of a lorazapam just to give me the barest of edges then we all went out. I was scared but determined to try. We got there though and the pool was shut because of the PH being wrong.
We decided to go do some shopping for the rest of the week. I walked around The supermarket and got food and managed to do the whole shop despite being panicky. When we got home we had lynch early then Angel went for her nap and I found as much as I could to clean but there wasnt much. I ended up going between writing and playing a game. When Angel woke up I was feeling a very very worried about our plan to go out to the beach for a few hours. We made our way there and I was so tempted to just stay in the car and wait. I felt ill and kept thinking what if I'm sick on the beach? What of I can't get to the car or the toilets? I ended up forcing myself onto the beach with T and Angel. I was horrifically panicked and didn't see getting back the car as an option. If I was going to get ill then it was going to be in in public. I sat down on a rock and dug my nails into my arms, completely bypassing the elastic bands. I actually thought that was it, I would get ill and it would all be over. I watched Angel playing and took my shoes off to help ground me and I began to calm down a little. I admit I took half a lorazapam but although the panic was massive and I really thought I was ill, I didn't take more. I wanted to get over it myself with only a little help. I walked around and picked up stones and played making sand castles with Angel. I finally calmed down enough to go down to the sea. Angel was unimpressed and scared but any last panic I had faded when thr freezing water hit my ankles and I began collecting beautiful treasures. Angel started to get cold and upset so we went back up thr cliff to the car. Angel and T went back to the apartment in the car but I decided I wanted to walk back, enjoy being outside longer and further challenge myself. On my walk I had the idea of eating out together as a family, for the first time. I met Angel and T and they liked the Idea and went to the resteraunt while I popped back to the apartment to get changed into a pretty dress, brush my hair and put on a little make-up. I arrived back at the diner and we ordered food. And...... I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO EAT A MEAL OUT IN PUBLIC WITH MY FAMILY!!! de

Holiday day 1 continued

After a big lunch of half a Greggs pizza and a while pasty we put Angel in her cot for a nap. However she didn't sleep and about an hour later had had enough so I got her up and got her ready to go out.

I was very anxious, about going out alone,about being somewhere new and mostly about having eaten. As you probably know from reading this, I very rarely go out in the afternoon.  I decided to just go for it. With Angel in the stroller and me still on 0 lorazapam, I walked around the site then we stopped at the arcade and went in to play. Angel played on the 2p machines with me and was better than I was at it! She loved it. We then walked more around the site and found a park which Angel had HUGE fun playing on. Was cute to watch her playing and having so much fun. After tempting her out of the park she fell over and I kissed her better, kept calm through her crying and put her back into her Pram. We then walked all the way to the beach and down the slope to the steps, I couldn't go any further on my own with the pushchair, but I made it and thr view was gorgeous. Pictures are shown here :)

For the rest of the evening we had food and played and with me wearing her out and no sleep at lunch Angel went to bed early, so I've been working on some writing since. Finding with the quiet and atmosphere I can get into the headspace easier.

Soon i'll be going to bed but for now my Angel and T are asleep and all is quiet and peaceful.

Holiday day 1

We travelled to Norfolk yesterday, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it but first thing in the morning before I could start panicking too much, I took a whole lorazapam and a anti-emetic. By the time I was dressed and downstairs, I was a little spaced out. I don't actually remember leaving really, and the whole journey was a blur,I partially slept, partially dosed and was just generally stoned. Part way along we stopped to use the toilet and do Angels nappy and I perked up a little which made me hungry so I ate a packet of crisps and took another anti-emetic because I could feel the other one wearing off. As soon as that one hit my system...woosh I was gone. I had loads of dreams about all sorts and I was talking and even singing at one point. Apparently we arrived early and drove around and ant did some shopping for the week while Angel napped in the car with me. I remember vague faint bits but nothing much until we got here and I unpacked. I had an early night then woke up this morning feeling a bit groggy but with it a lot more.

I was feeling okay first thing then the nearer it got to going out the more anxious I got. I decided we would be better to go somewhere in the car because we I'd have that safety net then. We travelled over to great yarmouth and parked up and walked near the beach and the pier but not on the sand. It was beautiful but I still felt very on edge. I didn't want to take lorazapam after taking a whole one yesterday. We parked up behind some shops and although anxious and on the edge of panic we walked the length of the shops, a good long distance from the car. Then back up the other way. By the end of it I was much calmer and feeling very proud of myself because it was packed. I've taken a picture and published it with this post.

Too scared to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow..

I'm sitting on the sofa, feeling too afraid to go to sleep and wake up in the morning knowing I won't have long until we set off. I can't cope with it. I really really wanted to go on holiday but all I feel and have felt a growing feeling of over the past few days is ill. For an emetophobic, it's a nightmare to be terrified to the point of nausea 24/7. Tonight is worse and I know tomorrow will be even worse. I regret not asking the doctor for some diazapam now. I don't feel like I can do this. 


I'm not as scared of the actual holiday but the travelling. It's like my mind is convinced that I'm going to get ill.   I can't do that. I know if that happened I would go downhill and I don't know if I could get back up again. 


I tried having a bath with lavender oil, even lit some candles and had some floating lights and did some hypnotherapy but I feel no different. I'm a state. I'm talking to my sister at the moment who is just as scared of travelling as I am and I can't blame her, she gets travel sickness worse than I do. It comes in waves, I'm either trying not to think about it or I'm panicking about it. Feeling the urge to self-harm again, not because of addiction or guilt but more out of desperation. 

The fear has set in.

For the last 2 or more hours T and I have been working our butts off to get everything packed, the car clean and Tidied, the animals cleaned and the house ready for leaving tomorrow so we barely have anything to do in the morning. My OCD had kicked in big time and I'm having to have everything I've packed double checked to make sure my OCD isn't going ott. When we were tidying and making space in the car I realised that I needed to replace my 'bags' that I keep available 'just in case'. It made me think about using them and my imagination kicked up terribly. From then on I've been shaking non stop. My stomach is churning and I feel like I can't breathe properly. I'm trying to concentrate on the good stuff but ive just entered panic mode. I keep thinking 'i can't do this' over and over while my tummy growls at me. If I'm like this now, how will I be later? Tomorrow morning?! My only hope is that I can have at least an hour to myself to Mayve have a bath or shower and do some hypnotherapy and force myself into coping mode for tomorrow morning.

A very mixed day

I got up this morning feeling tired as usual thanks to the meds, and I had a few things during the day, I needed to go to the chemist and pick up my prescription, post some letters and post a parcel. I decided that I wouldn't take any lorazapam, I wanted to see how far I could get and I felt oddly confident for once. Maybe the fear of travelling Friday morning is making everything else seem smaller in comparison.

The morning was quite rushed, Angel was messing her breakfast around and T was hurrying to get ut and not  bothering to make sure I had a chance to get breakfast and do other morning things, it really pissed me off.

I had to take the big pram out because the parcel I needed to take to the post office was quite large. I wasn't looking forward to pushing the huge thing, especially with how warm it was outside but I just took it slow and it was actually okay. We went to the post box and I felt a little anxious but not too bad so we carried on up to the chemist where I felt very panicky while I waited for them to call the doctors and see where my prescription was. They'd messed up despite me telling the doctor that I was going on holiday and would need my prescription early, so I was told to come back tomorrow.That peed me off.

From there I was feeling quite edgy but I carried on walking all the way up to the post office, I sent the parcel, finding it was more expensive to send than I'd charged so I was paying out of my own pocket. When we came out of there I felt calm again and we walked the long way to our friends house so Angel could play with Phia and I could chat to K and A. At first I was anxious then I relaxed and ended up only leaving because it was getting towards lunch time and I didn't want to impose. Angel and I took a slow walk home along a route we don't usually take because it's on the main road and very busy and noisy but I wasn't afraid and I even at a few packets of crisps as I walked along, finding I was starving.

When we got home though, despite the fact that we'd had a very positive experience, things started to go downhill. Angel said she was hungry but refused to eat anything I gave her. I was getting very very frustrated and the mood from first thing in the morning when T as peed me off was hanging over me, as well as the thought that T wouldn't be home until quite late and I was beginning to feel like I couldn't cope. I tried texting people and just looked forward to when Angel would have her nap and I would get time out to sort my mood out and relax. Despite how tired and moody and stroppy and horrible Angel was behaving, when I put her in the cot, after only 5 minutes of quiet she started playing up again, standing up, being noisy, moaning, lying about doing things in her happy, crying out for her daddy. I was trying desperately to get some time to relax and calm down and answer some questions for an interview I was asked to do. I couldn't concentrate and in the end I lost my patience and knew she wasn't going to shut up so I went upstairs to get her up again.

While I was walking up the stairs, I knew I wasn't in a good place. I got into the room and shouted, opened the blind and shouted more. I got her out of her cot and more or less just shoved her down onto her feet making her lose her balance and fall over. She was scared of me, which triggered something related to my mum. I wanted to make her scared, I wanted to show her what real crying was, not that fake crying she' been doing before I walked in the room. I kicked things, threw things around and she was terrified, she looked at me and cried and tried to hide from me, triggering me more. I knew I was acting like my mum and that made me more hate filled. I went into Angel's room, leaving my bedroom door open, which meant she could easily fall down the stairs because there was no barrier between her and them. I thought of the scissors in the draw and took them out. I didn't care that they were rusty or that they had something on them that I couldn't even identify. 7 slashes later, something stopped me, maybe Angel calling out for me. I came back to myself and the tears came, I picked Angel up realising I was bleeding down my arm. She kept saying mummy poorly and clean it, pointing to my arm.

The first thing I could think to do was call my friend K. She answered and rushed over, calling T on the way, I think she knew I wasn't going to call him. She just held me and talked to me and then helped clean me up. I've never let anyone in after hurting myself after that, I usually hide and beat m self up inside. It was the worst I'd hurt myself since I lived with my mum and I was so so so ashamed of how id behaved towards Angel.
K stayed with me until T got home from work and I told him what happened.

Later that evening K acme around for our girly evening that we'd planned and it was exactly what I needed. We did face masks, make-up, nails, hair. She made me loo prettyful and feel good about myself and we laughed so much. I've never had a girly night before, and it was wonderful, so much fun, and I'm already looking forward to the next one. I also thought I might need lorazapam but I didn't and even while K di my make-up I didn't feel much more than a bit anxious.

When K went home, her hubby was in a lot of pain with an injury he has and T took him to hospital while I stayed home with Angel an K stayed home with her 3 children. T got home about half past two.

T has gone to work for the morning today so I have Angel alone and although I feel a little more relaxed I know I'm still stressing majorly about travelling tomorrow and all of the things we need to do before tomorrow. All the packing we need to do still, and all the prep. I'm hoping that Angel is going to behave for me so I can stay calm and get some things done. At the moment she's playing with one of our cats and singing incy wincy spider.

My tummy is all a bit wibbly about going tomorrow, so I'm not sure if I will get out very far today, it's also very warm, but I'll see, might end up going out this evening to get my prescription instead of this morning maybe. Might just have a me and Angel morning, looking at books, playing, drawing, sand and things.

I'm expecting to blog later, in fear of going tomorrow.

A lovely day

**Apologies for things not making sense or grammar/spelling issues, I'm feeling really very tired**


This morning when I got up, I wasn't feeling too shiny, it took me a while to wake up and I was still feeling drowsy. My blood pressure was too low and so was my blood sugar. I made myself eat some food and took an anti-dizzy tablet and half of a lorazapam, because I knew I wanted to go out, or at least try to. 
T went out to work earlier than usual as he was working over an hour away from home. 


I decided to get our things together an go out, not bothered whether I only made it up to the post box, I have 0 expectations. I felt okay though, my main worry was that I would get the dizzy drowsiness back and feel horrible and need to get home quick without T there to come and rescue us. I walked to the post box, just because it's a safe check-point. Then we went through Daisy Park and out onto the main road. I tried to call the chemist to find out about my prescription but there was no answer so I decided to carry on along the road to the big park. In the park Angel and I took our time, we walked around looking at all the cygnets and ducklings and all the other birds, it was relaxing and I felt okay, so I continued on into town. 


I was quite edgy and anxious but I went goal to goal and didn't make any expectations. I made it to the shop to get my new white shoes and thought I was going to be very panicky but I managed to find and try on some shoes and pay and get out without freaking out. From there I wasn't sure I felt like going much further in so I went to a nearby shop and just looked around. I text my friend to let her know I'd made it into town after all and we arranged to meet up. We split up again for a while while I went to Lush to get some bits and bobs then we met up and we went shopping for ourselves, both needing a good distractions from our minds. We then went into a big clothes store and I don't know how I managed not to panic, I guess it was my meds but I'd only had half and was amazed that I was doing so well. I kept thinking, I can't believe I'm doing this. When you have lived the way I have, you take nothing for granted, even something as simple as shopping or walking. 


K was feeling anxious on the way out of town but I didn't like we both worried I might, I stayed calm and told her funny stories about ghost whales and things to keep her mind busy. We both made it home and I made Angel lunch, then she went for her nap while I finished sorting out the holiday clothes and got them packed into the bag (I had to sit on it and squash it but I did it). 


When T got home from work we'd planned for him to take Angel to the library to take the books back because they are due. Despite having scoffed about 6 or more biscuits and the lorazapam would barely be in my system still,  I felt like I would be okay to go and I surprised T by getting into the car and going with them. I surprised us both even more when we got there and wasn't bothered that we couldn't park nearby the entrance. I got out of the car, took hold of Angel's hand and we walked inside together. It was packed, with loads of school kids. I thought I would panic, but T suggested I go look at Angels books to choose some more for her and I walked over, right near the groups of children and sat down with Angel, feeling completely calm we choose her some books then had a long conversation with the lady behind the desk, she was asking about my work as an author and how interested Angel is in books. We went back out to the car and I was still feeling fine so I suggested to T that we go to get Angel some food on the way home, which was a detour. I did it, I even ate in the car some of Angel's food. 


Now I'm sitting here looking forward to mine and K's girly night tomorrow and feeling drowsy and happy about how the day went. 


Tomorrow I need to go out to the chemist to pick up my prescription and to the post office to post a parcel. Keeping my fingers crossed that I'll feel up to it. 

Missing days

For various reasons I didn't write a blog yesterday. The day started off nasty, I woke up to an allergic reaction in my nether regions which made me very swollen and unable to walk due to pain and irritation. Apart from being in he obvious discomfort I was pissed off that I wouldn't be able to go out with T and Angel in the nice weather and disgusted and disappointed in myself for being stupid enough to cause the reaction. I'll think twice before having a me night and using perfumed stuff again. 


T and Angel went out with K and her family and I sat at home like a misery. I'd thought about self-harming but I felt too depressed to even do that and ended up sitting in the garden feeling fed up. 


In the evening I ended up having to work through the discomfort to do the housework because T's knees were hurting. I ended up being extra clumsy and knocking off a glass which smashed and went the length of the kitchen and into the bathroom. I was wearing ballet shoes and had to try to avoid the glass shards while I was cleaning it all up on my hands and knees and the whole time I was internally being annoyed at T for not even bothering to come in and help me. I got it all up and hoovered to make sure it was all gone then had to get on with the washing-up and then bath Angel before she went to bed. Thankfully, my mood passed with T and by the time we got Angel into bed all I wanted to do was sit with him and watch 'True blood'. While we watched I worked on finishing a few summer dresses to take with me on holiday and snacked on nice food. 


This morning I was feeling a little better in my undercarriage but not right still, I ended up having to put on another skirt and with a lot of my things being packed it was one that the elastic seems to have gone in so it kept falling down and annoying me. The weather was very wet and manky outside and my blood pressure started playing up from the moment I was upright. T had planned to work from home but with the way Angel has been behaving I said he could go out to work because he would most likely get more done. 
From the point he went out I'm not sure where the time went. I don't remember most of it. I know I tried to eat more and take energy tablets to get myself going but I just kept feeling drowsy and had to keep sitting down. For a while Angel and I stood at the front door watching the rain, but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't go out. Before I knew what was happening I was lying on the floor, trying desperately to stay awake while Angel stroked my hair saying 'mummy na nite' I text T and my friend, not really realising what was going on. I managed to get Angel her lunch and sat on the sofa, then T came home and my friend came to check on me too. It was my ears hurting and playing up that was causing the tiredness and dizzy. 


The rest of the a has kinda gone by in a dream really. T went to pick up one of my prescriptions for me and I went out to meet him and Angel on their way back and then we went into the chip shop which was very busy but I made myself stay and cope, so today wasn't without any wins. 


I am hoping though that tomorrow I manage to do something more. I really want to take Angel to the library before Friday because the library books need to go back. I also need to pick up a prescription either tomorrow or Wednesday. 

A Saturday

Saturday 9th June 2012 8.30am

Last night was very odd for me. I decided that with T going back into work, I'd have a night off work and take a long shower and do some packing.

I ended up dancing and listening to music, manicuring my finger nails, painting my toe nails black, waxing my legs, using lovely smelling body butter, and generally had a me night. I've never done that before but a friend inspired me to have a go.

I did end up doing some packing too, I packed most of mine and T's holiday clothes then finally I settled down to sleep.

T got back home last night about 4 in the morning and he was going to sleep in but thanks to Angel wanting him up to help with breakfast he got up which I felt annoyed at myself about but I couldn't help because of how much trouble I had getting up. Despite Feeling more confident generally, I'm on go slow. I'm actually feeling quite excited at going out today, I'm looking forward to the challenge. The plan is to go food shopping for the week and to get a few things for travelling and holiday. 

Saturday 9th June 2012 7.30pm 

The day has kind of flown by today. We went out not long after I finished the first half of my blog and I decided that I was feeling confident enough to not bother with lorazapam. On the way there I listened to my panic audio which gave me something to focus on and I think it helped me. We got to the supermarket and I was a bit wibbly but went in. I felt panicky walking round, but I was trying very hard to work on my bridging. I managed to stay until we got in the furthest corner from the door then I decided to go stand near the door and look at the magazines and books and DVD's. I's realised that although this panic attack felt like the ones I've been having of late, I knew what was making it so much worse this time and probably all the other times too.. hunger. Once I was near the door (I've just remembered now that I couldn't have gone to the car because I didn't think to take the car keys with it) I started nibbling at some plain crisps and found with my increasing blood sugar I felt a bit better and my panic calmed down. I then decided I felt calm enough to walk all the way back to the back of the shop to find T and Angel and continue the shopping and check-out with them, which I did fine and calmly. 

After the success at the end I was spurred on to want to do more so we decided to go across town to a shop that sells all sorts of random things and clothing and have a look there on the off-chance that we might find a nice summer dress for me because they sell 4's and 6's. Angel was already beginning to act up by the time we got in there, not for me, for T. Every time I was in charge of her she was an 'Angel' and every time T was in charge or I was out of sight she turned into a demon. Usually this would frustrate me but today I was still feeling little miss confident and it was enhanced by getting over the panic on my own before. She was being naughty and trying to run away and down the stairs herself the stopped when I found them, then downstairs she was pressing the lift and going inside, T kept telling her no and to stop and in the end she started having a tantrum. I just picked her up said no very sternly and carried her out the shop crying. By the time we got back to the car she was 'sorry Mummy' and back to Angel again. 

I spoke with T about it on the way home and said that at the moment things aren't working because we both deal with her differently so when its both of us she gets confused and starts misbehaving and it ruins our family time. T kind of agreed but I don't know is anything will change or not. At least I'm safe in the knowledge that she's good enough for me. 

When we got home I put the shopping and washing-up away and made lunch for us all then Angel and T went for naps and I sorted out Angel's clothes for holiday and sheets for her cot, I did the washing-up and tidied the kitchen, broke down the two story wooden rabbit hutch to make space in the garden (got to use a hammer, go bang bang Yay!) and I also made the sheet of info for the very lovely friend who is looking after our animals when we go away. K dropped by while they were both asleep and I got hugs and praise on the work that I did for the card I made. It was lovely to see them all! 

When it was starting to get late I went and woke Angel up, and laid her down with T in his nest to wake them both up properly. While they got going I made bottles and put away Angel's travel cot and sorted out our room for sleep tonight. Then it was nice outside so I Angel and I went for a little walk (despite the fact it wasn't morning and I'd eaten just before we went out and drank non-safe drink) It was sunny and we didn't go far, still in view of the house, but I couldn't help but remember when walking even that distance was hard, I'd panic and couldn't do it. 

Angel and I then went to the shop to get some bread for dinner and I still was calm and collected and focused on enjoying myself with my little girl. I then stayed at home to cook dinner, feed the cats and do the washing while T took Angel to the park to feed the ducks. 

Now I'm sitting getting ready to do some work and feeling quite pleased about how today went. 

I was worrying about the travelling on Friday but having talked about it with a friend and with T I now feel more comfortable and I'm all excited about getting to the apartment and the beach and arcades.

Yawn

Last night was a catastrophe. I had yet another panic attack before I managed to fall asleep then I was woken up just over an hour later by T's work phone going off and him telling me he had to go into work. In the process of getting up and everything, he woke Angel up. So I ended up fighting the drugs and having a panic attack from the fight and the sudden wake up and having to wait for it all to pass before I could go to sleep again. Angel was then awake every hour thinking it was time to get up and every time I was woken I panicked and had to calm down again. I almost ended up staying awake at half-past 5 thinking it would be easier than keep getting woken up, but I couldn't keep my eyes open.

When Angel did get up, thankfully she was in a good mood and although she didn't eat much breakfast she was cheerful and talkative which helped me to wake up a bit. I kept forgetting what I was doing I was so tired. T came home from work at just gone 10 and he said he wasn't going to sleep until Angel had her sleep in the afternoon so we could still go over and visit my friend and go for a short walk. I was panicky despite having taken half a lorazapam, which for the little effect it had and how drowsy I'm feeling now, I wish I hadn't taken it.  

I was only just managing to stay calm on our walk and I felt very panicky when I got to my friends house, but knowing I could leave at any time and it wasn't just me keeping an eye on Angel and K understands my issues, I calmed a little although the panic still came at me in waves. It was lovely to see them all though, despite the panic and Angel had fun playing with her children.

We then left and the closer we got the home, the more hungry I felt. I made lunch when we got home then I blew up the air bed and set up a sleeping place for T and set up Angel's cot ready for them both. Not long after they both went up and yet again I wasn't sure Angel was ready to go up to bed but T was sure she was and he was feeling tired. I got them both settled them came back downstairs to do the washing, the washing-up, cleaning the kitchen, making bottles etc etc. Then I thought I would go and sit down for the first time all morning except at K's house, but Angel was really playing up. She was being so badly behaved I ended up getting very stressed and upset and angry and got her up out of her cot in the end. I left T asleep and sat downstairs, playing with Angel and trying to sort food out for dinner and writing the lists for holiday still which I'm working on on my own.

When we woke T up before dinner he turned on his phone to realise that he has to go back into work tonight at 7 so in half an hour and he could potentially be out for 12 hours. Which means I have to order our shopping online and won't get out tomorrow, a whole day of my FFing weekend will be me and Angel on our own again with me working my ass off on barely any sleep to get the pets fed, Angel fed, T fed, the house clean and tidy. I haven't even started to pack yet and do the washing for holiday. Grrrrrrrrrr Right now I feel so angry that T has to do stupid standby hours at work.

Goodness help me is Angel is awake all night again.

A rainy day

Today has been a very rainy day. Angel, T and I were supposed to be going out to help with a big clean up of the area which my friend had organised. T woke me up much earlier than I usually manage to wake up for, telling me that his knees were very painful and he needed me to get up and help. I reluctantly but valiantly dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to wake up. I was downstairs, putting washing on, making coffee and breakfast for everyone not fifteen minutes later. With T's knees being so bad he wasn't up to helping out on the clean-up and I wasn't feeling brave enough to go alone and felt like I was letting my friend down, but she was thankfully okay with it. 


The rain thrashed down throughout a lot of the day so Angel and I didn't end up going out anywhere apart from to the shop to pick up some batches and some press-studs (I know, weird combo). I'd eaten before we went to the shop but I kept calm and managed it fine. 


Angel was being a terror at lunch time and refusing to eat. She then began to purposely ignore me and I lost my temper and went upstairs to clean everything I could find while T looked after Angel while he worked. I cleaned Angel's floor, changed her bed, cleaned the tank in her room and the filter, cleaned out the tanks in our room and their filters, polished the surfaces, tidied up books and blankets and set up the cot for Angel's nap. I don't know why but I keep feeling the need to clean, which I guess is better then self-harming, although it burns far more calories. 

The last thing I wanted to write about was my reoccurring ghost dream. ***Weirdo alert*** I've always seen things not many other people can -that's another story - but when I was at primary school late one night when I'd stayed back to help out with some things for a concert or group and walking past one of the classrooms, I spotted a girl standing near one of the desks, looking towards me. I backed up and took another look, to find there was no one there. After the first time I saw her, I saw her around the same area, near the swimming pool and in the changing rooms and classrooms next to them various times. I always felt prickly and very aware when I was in that area of the school. I hadn't really thought about it after I left over 12 years ago but then two nights ago I dreamt of the little girl standing in the corridor near the swimming pool, staring at me, I was walking past with a friend and she was just watching out into the pool area. I realised that she'd tempted a child into the pool and he was drowning under the pool cover, unable to get out and he wasn't the first one she'd killed. Time snapped again and I was standing there alone and there was no one drowning but I knew she was still there. From somewhere, the knowledge that she'd been killed by a teacher and either buried under the where the swimming pool was built or drowned in the pool not long after it was built came to my mind and the teachers image who I recognized right away, the same teacher having pushed me under the water in the pool for a few seconds in punishment for talking. 


The dream was very vivid but because I'd had emetophobic dreams that night as well, I hadn't really thought much of it, only it was a little odd and out of the blue.


Last night, I had the same dream except this time T was there and a few more friends and we were looking for the girl. She only appeared when I was left alone and I felt very edgy and fearful again. I've not been able to get the vivid pictures out of my head today, I have no idea why, but even during my editing and my time with Angel, I kept finding myself back there again, standing with the little girl, looking out of the window at the pool, feeling on edge and scared. 


It's very odd and I'm hoping that tonight, the same dream won't happen again, I'm already feeling a dragging feeling pulling me towards the school and if it was possible I know I'd be visiting there right now. I'm not thinking anything into it right now, only how strange it is and jumping at every shadow. 

100, Emetophobic Dreams *TRIGGERING*

I didn't blog yesterday, I had a bit of a rubbish day, with good bits thrown in. 
I'm going to start from Monday night, when I finished blogging I'd almost made up my mind, I knew I didn't really want to leave but I couldn't think of anything else. I kept trying to get T to go to bed before me so I could be alone but he seemed reluctant. In the end we went up to bed together and I lay there waiting for him to fall asleep. I kissed Angel goodnight/goodbye and got back into bed, knowing my dagger was under the drawers beside my pillow. T was asleep and I was just about to reach over and grab the chain which is attached to my blade when I got a text from a friend, asking if I was up. I thought I'd better reply in case something was wrong and I text back yes. When what I wanted to text back was yes, help me. She called me and she gave me a special project to do, we talked and she made me realise how much T had been worried about me all day, even though I didn't know I was giving off those kind of vibes, I thought I was hiding it well, but I guess I couldn't hide it from him. 


I went to bed after the phone call, not feeling suicidal anymore. I lay beside T and watched him sleep until I fell asleep then first thing in the morning told him and Angel how much I loved them both. 


I wanted to go out to a craft shop yesterday to get some things for my project, we got going and went out and I felt okay at first but by the time I got there, I was feeling icky. Then after looking around for a few mins, I had to get out. I didn't think I was going to make it out without getting ill, and its the 3rd time in the last week that I've had such a bad panic attack. It took me a while to calm down in the car then we came home and I ate loads. Maybe it was hunger... I'm not sure, but I do know that it knocked me back...again. 


Last night I had terrible, horrible dreams about Angel getting a sickness bug, having to deal with it then knowing that both me and T would be getting it too. All my dreams involved illness and vomit and I woke up at half five in the morning panicking. 


I knew I needed to pop out today alone, even if it was only to the post box, from past experience I know when I go downhill I stop trying so this morning, I got Angel in he stroller and we went up to the post box. i put on my panic hypnotherapy audio and found it helped a lot and I got there okay. I bumped into a friend and we chatted while we walked through Daisy Park in the sun. I decided that I probably could go further but I didn't want to push it too much and go even more backwards. I carried on listening to the woman talking and all the things she was saying while I did my bridging and by the time I got home after the short walk, I was feeling proud of being able to do it on 0 lorazapam especially and a lot calmer, not totally calm but a lot calmer than I have been. 


Then I remembered my dreams and I starting imagining the germs everywhere and started cleaning things. Things that I don't usually clean so much like cupboard doors, as well as the floors, surfaces. It seemed the more I cleaned the more I saw that I needed to clean and in the end I mopped the kitchen floor so I had to leave it to dry and stay out of there. My wrists are aching from the cleaning and my hands hurt from washing them so many times. I still keep thinking, I have germs on me, I didn't cook the food right, I've touched something and given me and Angel germs. We're going to get ill. 


I'm trying to think  about the holiday but my brain isn't working that way, it just tells me we'll get ill there which is even worse. I'm trying to sit down and get on with some work now, hoping it will distract me from my imagining and worrying. 


I've realized, having started a few lists for things to take away that there are things I need to go into town for, so I need to get my zing back to be able to go and do that before next week. This time next week we have to be packed and ready to get up and go on the Friday because Thursday T is working far away all day again so we won't have time for anything and I'll have Angel alone. 

The tears burn my eyes as you sit there all alone, I just wanna come home.

I wanted to start this blog with what I did yesterday. I don't have a good excuse for why I didn't write yesterday, apart from I was starting to feel depressed and didn't want to share my decent. I'm going to push through and say what I did, or try.

We got up and I took half a lorazapam knowing that we would be going shopping at the biggest shopping place near us. I only ate a little then we went out and went to boots first to get some aconite. From there we went inside the shop and started looking around including getting me a couple of bikinis which I tried on and stayed calm throughout. I did the whole shopping trip and I was okay and starving by the time we were done. I had started very nervous but used my bridging to help me.

Today T, Angel and I went for a walk to the park, I had 0 lorazapam, and felt a little shaky to begin with but I knew my mood was changing so I had the edge of that mood to hold me up and help push me through as well as that there weren't many people around. When we got to the park we fed a family of swans, the parents and seven cygnets. It was a wonderful sight and we got several photos. Then the cutest little duckling came up to me and I fed it from my hand and even got to stroke it. My panic vanished with all of that loveliness. We then had a really nice walk around the area and through Daisy Park.

T then went out to pick KR while I made lunch. KR has severe burns on his foot so he has been stuck in bored for the last few weeks and in a lot of pain. I invited him over to have our retro gaming afternoon, hoping I could pick up his mood as well as my own. T unfortunately seemed to be in a quieter and quieter mood as the afternoon went on and my mood began dipping down. By the time T took KR home, I was thinking about how I would hurt myself first. No point in starving myself because I have no appetite. I couldn't help but anticipate the feeling of me taking control. I can't get the pictures out of my head. I don't want to die, I just want to hurt a lot... at the moment. I want to push everyone away and have an evening by myself where only I can see how bad I hurt and how much I can tear myself apart.

I feel ugly and disgusting and I'm scared, yet again of needing to go have another tooth fixed. Even the thought of going on holiday isn't lifting me. I have my depressing music on a loop and I'm just looking forward to when T goes to bed and I'm alone.