This morning, after sleeping with my special rose quartz (my friend gave to me) and my little hypnotherapy pouch, I was feeling a little better and a lot less depressed. I was reluctant to get up but when I did, the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I actually had a very good morning.
I came downstairs and had some breakfast then T went out to work and I decided to give Angel a bath and grab a quick cool shower while we was playing. We both got dry and dressed and then I felt my half a lorazapam that I took earlier starting to kick in. I'd taken it thinking it would make it easier to get out with P and that it wasn't none but it wasn't more than half so a middle ground, I would still have to work to keep the panic off but I wouldn't be alone fighting it.
Anyway, I had to disturb P to get Angel's stroller out but even though she sat up and looked at us, she doesn't remember and she went straight back to sleep. I got the bags ready and the push chair, thinking that we could at least walk up to the post box and post the letters and maybe have a walk, that way if P doesn't get up until late and we miss out on doing anything together, me and Angel have at least got out and done something.
It was a lot cooler outside and I was very thankful for that. We walked to the post box and I worked on my bridging as I was feeling anxious. After posting the letters I considered coming back home but Angel told me she wanted to go "That way" pointing towards the park. So I had a drink and indulged her, walking through the park and out onto the main road. I thought that seeing as I was near the chemist and feeling a lot more relaxed we would go in and get me some more energy tablets for the week. I did it all very calmly and we left there with me feeling relaxed and confident. So we walked round the edge of the big park and then out onto the main road and along the long street to the shops past the play center. (I don't want to give out names of places). They were quite busy and I had a little 'can i do this' thought before we went into the shop I wanted but I did it, I went inside and walked around leisurely, finding a few things for our holiday for Angel, a small fathers day present and the nappy bags that I went for in the first place. We payed after standing in a huge queue for a while (and still no panic) then we walked across the road to the bakery where I brought some sausage rolls for lunch and finally treated us to a big chocolate cake. (I've been thinking of getting one to try for ages as they're very very very well priced and look so Nommy!)
We then walked back home, via Daisy Park (renamed) and then the last few streets until we got back and P was up and nearly ready to go out. I'm sure I've said before that if I go out and come back home, I very very very rarely ever go back out again, well today I got the bag of bread ready, got Angel ready and myself and we went back out. I ate some crisps to keep my levels up and grazed on some sweets to keep my blood sugar going as well as sipping my drink. The park was a little busy but we enjoyed ourselves, throwing the bread for the geese an ducks and sometimes on them, which had us all cracked up in giggles while the poor thing tried to get the bread from its back. From there we decided to go back to Daisy Park as Daisies are P's favorite flower and there are thousands there. Angel and P ran around picking them and playing and I sat watching and taking a few photos. Then we went back home, realizing it was gone lunch time.
I managed to eat a sausage room before I started to feel incredibly drowsy and out of it. I at first put it down to the lorazapam, but later realized it couldn't be because I hadn't had enough for it to have that effect, even a whole one doesn't do that to me. Angel was being a pain with her lunch and not eating and I didn't even have the energy to encourage her or get an alternative, I sat desperately trying to hold onto consciousness until T came home from work and took over.
Once Angel was in her cot for her sleep, T helped me up the stairs (and I did need help, I literally couldn't stand up) and I just wrapped myself in blankets in a next on the floor of Angels room, and fell asleep. Apparently half an hour later T checked on me but I was totally out of it and didn't wake up for hours after that and then he damn near needed a hammer to get me back to consciousness. My ears were very red and hurting a lot and I couldn't hear properly. We realized it's my ears, probably inner ear infections which I am very prone to. I never ever sleep during the day, hang up from my mum. And I never EVER sleep with people around me apart from T and Angel, especially my sister who is connected to my mum so makes me feel more odd about things. That's how I knew something wasn't right and I think I would have been worried if I hadn't been out of it.
I'm struggling now to stay awake again, and my keyboard is in risk of being squashed when I fall asleep on it so I need to stop here. At least I managed to get out and get some work done today. I'm hoping for a nice weekend and that I will perk up and be able to go out.
No comments:
Post a Comment