Jet lagged

Yesterday was a very very mixed day, I think I was still under the influence of the meds from the travel home. It feels like I was jet lagged. After my rough night in Angel's room T let me sleep in for a few hours then I got up and K, A, Phia and the boys came over. We gave them their presents and caught up somewhat but as much as I love them to bits, I can't recall much from the morning, only giggling, hugs and a kiss :)

After some lunch, a shower and a rest I felt more with it and in the afternoon we decided to go over to K's house to see them for a while. I was feeling very full still from a biggish lunch which I'd wolfed down and was extremely anxious as a result. I didn't have any medication. We took the car so I could run out to it if I needed to, but I was still so nervous and panicky when we first got there. K showed me around and that helped calm me a little, and playing with the water snake also helped. Just silly small distractions and eventually I calmed down enough to relax completely and was reluctant to come home again.

I have no idea what happened to my mood once we got home, but it went downhill drastically and T and I ended up having an argument just after Angel went to bed. I was feeling pissed off again because of the way T treats her and the things she gets away with while I try to keep to what is best for us when he is at work and I put everything into her and its all I want Daddy, fuck you mummy. (She doesn't actually say that but acts that was metaphorically.) It made me feel like shit and I shut myself in the kitchen with all the washing up and cleaning that needed doing and got out a few knifes which I was intending to use on myself, more out of frustration than anything else. T came into the kitchen a moment later and apologized and I no longer felt like hurting myself, but I was still angry. For some reason I wasn't calming down from that state of mind and the more I was alone the more I wanted to be on my own until hearing Angel crying out for her daddy over and over because she felt poorly and I wasn't good enough, I' had enough. I went into the bedroom and lay down and cried. I as itching to take out my blade and end it all. I wanted to ask for help but I wanted to be left to do it, to get it over with and leave.
T came upstairs just before I did anything, again and lay down behind me, while I just cried and half wished for him to leave the room and half hoped he'd stay.

It was all a blur for a while until I remember sitting downstairs wrapped up in my dressing gown, with my notepad in my hand, working away. K had been texting and had helped talk me down and T had done exactly the right thing. I decided to go to bed early, thinking that a lot of how I felt probably was due to tiredness. However I gulped down a load of cold squash and ended up giving my tummy a chill I think, it felt horrible and it started me off panicking and I ended up getting up and coming downstairs. I slept on the sofa wrapped in my blankets. This morning I was going to get up with Angel and T but T suggested I go back to bed to set me up better for the day and give me a better chance of coping.

I got up about half past ten in the end and I did feel a lot better for the longer sleep after nights of disturbed sleep and lots of sedative side affects. I wasn't up long before I declared that I needed to go out and get some money for the next few weeks, so I have some change in my purse. We got in the car on no meds and went up to the supermarket nearby, we got out of the car, got money from the cash point then we inside the shop and I went a certain amount in, even feeling dizzy because of my ears. I didn't go all the way around but  I didn't expect to be going inside at all, so I didn't mind.

The rest of today has involved cooking, cleaning and more cleaning, now followed by some work.
Angel is sitting up in bed crying and crying out for her daddy in a really whiny way and I'm beginning to lose my rag but trying to stay calm. I'm just so fed up of hearing her moan and wail all the time.
I want to go out and walk and get some air but I can't even do that because I've eaten.

Going to try and finish this quick and sit outside for 5 mins to avoid feeling like I want to hurt myself.