Today was the last day that T has off work for a while, probably until Angel's birthday.
The plan was for us to go to a different town centre which we hadn't been too since a few years before Angel was born. It's a major tourist trap so even on a normal weekday it is pretty bustling with coach loads of people and locals (who tend to be a little snobby).
I took half a lorazapam in the morning first thing, I would usually take a whole one or more for such a huge challenge but I only had half to hand and thought that if I got too panicky I could always take more. I decided to have a small scotch pancake for breakfast with lemon curd for the sugar to get my blood sugar going without having to eat too much. What I didn't consider though was that I ate it hot and just after taking lorazapam, it wasn't long before I felt very drowsy. We traveled there and I was fine,texting a friend and feeling too tired to be panicky. We parked in one of the multistory car-parks at the bottom and walked out straight into the high street where coach loads of people were un boarding and grouping together. We looked around some shops and I ended up getting some lovely nom nommy toffee coffee which is yummy and T has given me his old coffee making machine now he has his new aero-press so I have my own big sexy coffee machine and new scrumptious coffee to make in it :) this makes me happy- and a little sugar and caffeine hyped. T got some new tea's for himself and we brought some lemon and lime tea which you make like powdered juice and serve cold, Angel loved the sample and demanded more. (there is no caffeine so we got her some). Lovely summer drink with ice-cubes and slices of lemon or/and lime. Getting thirsty now....
We also brought me some amulets, in the Pagan shop they have there, to help with my self confidence and inner strength. We also got some crystals and I got some worry dolls from the same shop, it smelled lovely in there and the atmosphere was relaxed and safe, could have stayed there ages.
I walked around feeling a little on edge but able to go into the shops and was mostly in a drowsy daze. I kept nibbling and thought I was okay but for some reason as soon as we went to get some food, I freaked out. I haven't done that in a long long time, yes food makes me worry a little more, but it doesn't usually send me n a complete tizzy fit anymore. I sat in the quiet part of the resteraunt while T went round the corner and out of sight to get our lunch. I sat talking to Angel and sipping my drink, but I couldn't stop panicking especially when people kept walking past us and then a man sat down right next to us. I wasn't coping and I think T could see, as soon as he came towards us his expression just softened and he looked almost sorry for me, not a look I see on him often. But then I was sitting there in the edge of the seat, with my nails digging into my arms while my lips where white and my face just as pale.
We left the shop and walked at a very fast pace back towards the car, realizing it was a lot further away that we thought it was. I kept thinking; there is nowhere safe, if I'm ill now, everyone will see, everyone will be disgusted with me. I'm disgusting, I can't let people see me like that. On and on inside my mind the words played over and over, the pictures played on a loop and I just bypassed the elastic bands and went straight to my skin again.
By the time we managed to get back to the car, I could barely hold myself up anymore and was feeling very confused. I couldn't even open the car door to get inside and when I did I opened it on myself and almost fell over. T got me and Angel in the car and got me starting to eat, it was my blood sugar that had dropped that had me confused and close to collapse again, with some help from my blood pressure and a lot of help from my panic. After I'd eaten a little I just wanted to go home and I almost fell asleep on the way back, which isn't like me unless I'm on sedatives.
Over all though before the panic and all that I did have a nice time and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drank nearly as much as I obviously needed to was probably a big part of the problem.
In the afternoon I had some lunch and recovered and managed to get some work done while Angel had her nap. This evening I was beginning to feel a little depressed again and suspected it had something to do with the fact that T goes back to work tomorrow and I am with Angel alone. All she wants right now is daddy and I'm terrified that she will just cry for him and not want me. Terrified that it will be hard like it used to be, when every hour felt like it dragged for days and I counted down until I wouldn't be alone any more.
I decided to have a bath with pink water and confetti. I used a face mask, a hot oil hair mask and some after wash stuff to help the condition of my hair too. I very rarely have any time like that but I felt like I needed some sort of a cleansing tonight.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling confident and even if Angel and I only manage to walk up to the post box and maybe Daisy park it will be something. Starting at low goals and working up after being with T for so long and not having to cope on my own and with having been away and finding things generally easier there.
I had better get some sleep and hope that Angel behaves tomorrow and that I can cope and that I manage to get out. I'm kind of in a weak phase at the moment where I don't want to push myself but I guess that means I need to push harder. I can't help but feel that I'm doing it all for nothing in the long run though. When the big bad comes along, and it will at some point... what then?
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