Busy Day

Goal for today: go to do the weekly food shop with Angel and T.

I was exhausted when it was time to get up and it took me a while to wake up properly, I didn't think I was going to be up for going out at all. I had a bit of coffee and 2 biscuits then we went. I listened to my hypno lady while I got ready then we decided that seeing as it was only a small shop we needed to do, the small Sainsburys would be fine. We drove up there and went inside, I didn't feel very panicky or anxious but I had had half a lorazapam. I did the whole shop, from right by the doors to down in the very furthest corner to the doors and toilets. I stayed calm and enjoyed myself. We payed and then left, T took the shopping to the car while Angel and I walked across the road to another shop to look for an idea for a present for T's mum for her birthday. We walked around, all the way to the bottom of the shop, all the way back up. I came up with the idea of me making her a mini scrapbook with pictures of Angel in as she's grown up. Although it will take lots of time, i have plenty of materials and I think she will love it.

From that shop we drove back home and put the shopping away then we decided to get Angel into her pram and go for a walk to a new set of shops I discovered. I was a little worried about going back out but I managed it well, with only minor thoughts of getting back home and definitely 0 proper panic attacks. From there we intended to walk the longer way home but it was early so i decided to take the even longer route through the park to see the ducks and swans but we walked past and made the decision to pop into town to pick up a toy for our nieces birthday next week and some fruit for Angel. Even though we hadn't planned it and It was out of the blue I was fine, i didn't really worry and my elastic bands went un-pinged. We walked back through the park and then Angel was getting very upset as her painkillers had worn off and she was very tired and hungry. I let her out of her pram and she wanted to walk,she did but she kept crying and I could tell how tired she was so I told T to carry on ahead of us and I'd walk back slower, carrying angel and singing to her to keep her calm and happy. She perked up as I sang and by the time we got home she was hungry so i popped to the chip shop alone to get some chips for her.

***

I don't think I've said anything about this in my blog. But the house sale has fallen through a second time which has been a bit of a blow to us. T and I spent a good hour last night discussing whether we should keep it on the market or not. He wants to but i'm unconvinced, at the moment I'm kind of happy here. 

So there is stress and worry coming from that side of things, especially as we have to have people traipsing through our house again looking at my home like its some hell hole. 

The other big worry still very heavy on my mind is the fact that next Friday or Saturday T is going away to his parents house for the weekend for his mum's surprise party. There are various reasons that we can't all go, least of all being that we have no one to look after the cats, (we can't take them with us as his family stupidly suggested) and the catteries will only take them if they are immunized which they aren't currently and it takes weeks to do. So the only two options left to us were for T to go alone or for T to take Angel with him. But seeing as Angel has never slept anywhere except in this house and she's never traveled anywhere more than an hour away it just isn't very do-able with just one parent. It could mess up her whole routine and then we would have to spend weeks getting her back to her normal happy self again. (Not to meantion the worry of her picking up germs, I'm terrified enough to T will bring germs home with him, that house is full of them).

So the conclusion is I have to have Angel on my own all weekend after looking after her all week and all the week after. I'm not at all looking forward to next weekend. I expect I will be a depressive nervous wreck by then. Especially as being alone for so long with Angel will press major buttons on me because of when T went into hospital in Jan. 

Wish there was some way out of next weekend. 

F off anxiety

This morning I got up and didn't take any lorazapam. My goal was to take Angel to the post box after town yesterday. We walked up there no problem the came back home to help T find his keys. I was a little annoyed at having to come back when I had felt no anxiety and wanted to walk some more. T suggested that I get Angel in the stroller and go back out again. I wasn't so sure but decided to try, there were no expectations and no goals, just a walk. We went up one road then another, then past the small park, out onto the main road, a way I haven't been before but I didn't feel so anxious so did it. 


By this time I had a goal in mind but wasn't sure I'd be able to go through with it. Not with 0 lorazapam in my system, but i thought to myself that I have it with me in case I need it and I know it starts working pretty quickly so I'm safe. I tried to distract my mind about how far away from home we were walking and the fact that T had gone into work which is over half an hour away so I was totally alone with Angel. We walked past the big college and onto a road I hadn't been down before. As we walked down it it got busier and busier and I began to wonder where we were and whether I'd made the wrong decision to try going. 


I had a sip of my cool drink and concentrated on the things around me, on Angel talking away and I continued on. Past the shop I was looking for round the corner into familiar, quieter territory. I could get home from there easily. I sat on a wall and gave Angel her drink an had another drink myself, taking less than a quarter lorazapam that i had in my meds tin and nibbling a few crisps. 


I pulled myself together and stood up, putting the break off the stroller and walking back around the corner and down the busy road to the shop of destination, determined to get Angel the ball she'd seen her friend with the other day and really wanted (She's ball obsessed). I walked around the shop, then we found the balls and we chose one then payed, calmly. We then crossed over the road and went into the Gregg's there and I brought us some lunch and treated myself to a pink sprinkled doughnut. 


The walk home was a little tiring but not stressful or anxiety filled and I would go as far as to say I didn't have a proper panic attack and I am actually proud of myself for once in my life. 


Tomorrow the goal is to go shopping the same as last Saturday. At the moment I feel slightly excited about it. :S its been so so long since I got excited about going food shopping, its been way to stressful for me. 


I am wondering if the tablets are having some effect now as my depression only lasted a few days, I'm not on top of the world but I'm also not at the bottom and for that I am grateful. 


Now for a nice date night and a little bit more writing on my new book, maybe some knitting too :D

A Thursday

Last night I put a plan in place. My goal was to go to town. So when I woke up this morning I took my aconite and had 3/4 of lorazapam. I then took my time getting up and I was still very groggy from my meds and a little dizzy. I decided to take an anti-dizzy tablet also to cover off that issue. 


I got dressed into 'safe, non-challenging' clothes and went downstairs to get mine and Angel's bags ready for going out. I didn't eat very much breakfast, maybe a few crisps and a few spoonfuls of T's porridge but that's all. Once Angel had finished her breakfast and everything was ready it was just gone ten and later than I'd intended to get out but I went out at the same time as T was going out to work and I walked past the post box, posting letters to ease me into it, then on through the little park onto the main road, crossing over to go up the main street and then making the decision of whether to go left to look for a new shop that I've been told about or whether to go right past the big park to get to town. I decided on town. 


We walked past the park and I kept calm and we got into town. I enjoyed the walk there more than I'd expected to and we went to get a few long sleeve tops for me first then into another shop to grab some things we needed like hair bands (with me and T having very long hair, we go through lots of them). I brought Angel a special fruit snack which she got a bit messy with but loved loads and wanted 'more'. From there we walked the long way round to a knitting shop I like to get some white and orange wool for a penguin I'm going to knit, I also couldn't resist getting some bright pink wool. 
We then walked back around and through the market to another shop that sells all toys to look for a present for our niece who's 1st birthday is next week. I couldn't really see anything for her but Angel did find a tub of brightly colored bath ducks that she liked and as she's running out of bath toys i got them for her. It was nearly twelve by then and I knew I needed to get Angel home and get her some lunch so as I promised myself last night, if i went to town I would treat myself to a burger on the way home. So we went to McDonalds and Angel devoured a large amount of fries, and I nibbled a few then when we got home I scoffed two burgers. (I never eat that much usually!)


After lunch Angel was ready for her sleep and so was I. I got my laptop out and tried to do some writing but  I was exhausted and ended up grabbing a red fluffy blanket and falling asleep beside the cot where Angel was sleeping. It took me a while to get going again when I woke back up but I feel much better for it now and it was so sweet to sleep beside Angel and wake up to her smiling at me saying 'mummy sleep' and giggling. She melts my heart, her newest thing is when you say 'i love you', she replies 'I love you too' and kisses me. Its sooooooo sweet. 


I have no idea what tomorrow's goal is going to be. I managed to get some writing done finally tonight and feel it works fine, its a very dark chapter and I'm hoping it will have helped to get some of my dark mood out. 


Right now I'm looking forward to spending the day with my little girl tomorrow. (and hoping my arms will stop feeling so bruised from the work in the garden yesterday). 


Goodnight readers, 
xxx<3xxx

Ticking by

The time is ticking by, Tick tock, tick tock. I'm still not managing to get anything done. It feels like all my ambitions and desires are slipping away. My writing is suffering, my family are suffering and my craft is suffering.

I spent hours in the garden today, working my ass off lugging breeze blocks around, fence panels and tidying out the shed. Sweeping and tidying and weeding and moving the two story rabbit cage about. I exhausted myself and made the garden more or less totally Angel safe. But I still don't feel like I've achieved anything.
I know I've been told I'm being to harsh on myself and I think somewhere inside me I know I am, or think I might be but I can't even do the things I enjoy anymore, then whats the point?

Just feel so angry at myself right now. Angry because everything I do Isn't good enough, I can't do my fans justice, I can't do my characters justice or my story lines and ideas.My head just hurts and I'm tired of trying. It feels like I've hit a mental brick wall.

I'm wasting time, just wasting the time I have to do the things I like. Waster Waster Waster.
I hate myself.

Put the ice-cream down.

I'm drowning my sorrows, not in drugs or alcohol but sweet sickly rocky road ice-cream with chcolate and marshmallow flavour icecream, biscuit crumbs and toffee sprinkles and covere in sticky toffee caramal sauce.

Today so far hasn't been the best of days. Last night was another restless night, T woke me up not long after I'd fallen asleep and caused a panic attack that I had to get over before I could allow myself to relax enough to sleep again, Then he woke me up headbutting me part way through the night then Angel woke us up at three in the morning. So when it was time to get up I was headachey and groggy and tempremental. Especially as I'd had dreams about my mum and seeing her and contacting her again.

I didn't feel like going out at all, or even trying to go out. I wanted to take lorazapam but not to help me go out, just to help me feel more relaxed and less anxious, so i ignored the craving and deicded to have a lazy morning in with Angel. Of course when you don't feel like doing things or you're low that is the most important time to keep at it and force yourself to go out. I failed on that, I gave in and the extent of my achievments today are going round to the shop.

I've been battling with my bad mood and my agitatedness all day, its been pushing me to snap at  and Angel and I feel so bad about it when my mood calms down again beucase Angel isnt very well and she doesnt deserve my temper when she's well let alone when she isnt well. It confirms how I'm turning in my my mum. I'm so tempted to contact her today, just so she can hurt me, shout at me and tell me who I really am. Maybe she'd even physicaly attack me again, maybe even her bf might join in again.
My mummy instncts tell me that if I start to get irritable to go outside or leave Angel with T and take a few minutes time out to calm down, but my abused brain tells me that I will be a bad mum to shirk my duties. That I'd just be being lazy.

I know I'm in a low phase, it seems as though all my ambition to go out and do things and make the most of mine and Angels time is dissapearing. I know somewhere in me I want to go out and do things but a the same time i just dont feel like I have the energy to do that and it makes me so angry, like I'm giving in.
When Angel has her sleep in the next hour I think I'm going to go out into the garden and tidy and weed the whole thing, push myself to my limits. 

I should quiet blithering on and actully be useful and get something done now.

Triggers

Today has been a constant struggle, I forced myself to take Angel to the post box and to the shop to buy a large bar of chocolate for myself but that's all i managed in terms of going out and I wouldn't say I've really challenged myself all that much. 


Apart from my lack of enthusiasm and my higher anxiety levels, I felt angry, frustrated and very agitated and irritable. I ended up snapping and having an almost one sided argument with poor T and snapping a lot at Angel and T. T decided to go out to work as his computer wasn't working on the online servers from home. With him going out it meant that I HAD to force myself to look after Angel and just get on with it, because there was no one here to help. 


After all my dreams about my mum I just couldn't get her out of my mind, A little bit of white sage helped a little but she's still here with me in my mind, talking to me, telling me what a bad person I am, how i'm disgusting and only make mess, how I am selfish and an attention seeker. Making me guilty and self hating. I just can't get her out of me. I'm tainted by her and I will turn into her. I'm bad and I always have been and always will be, I cause only trouble and everyone should hate me. I don't deserve anything, least of all our house, my husband and my daughter. 


I wrote T a letter to explain how I was feeling and that it was a lot of major triggers and things in one day setting me off and thankfully we are a little better now. 


Unfortunately along with my 'mum' trigger something else has triggered me this evening, a picture I happened across that set me off. Now I can't stop shaking and the images are in my mind along with mum's voice, her words and her face.


I've reached the point where I want to take my meds so they will put me to sleep so i can't feel and not wanting to take them so i don't have to go to sleep so it wont be tomorrow too soon.


To top it all off Angel still hasn't settled to sleep, she is refusing to have her nighttime bottle for the first time in her life and I am paranoid that she has a tummy bug or something. I hope it's just me worrying because of my general state of mind but that in itself doesn't stop me worrying.  

I am nothing

I spent all night dreaming about my mum, her boyfriend and my sister. Finding myself in a situation where I was at their house and forced to get on with them while feeling terrified that they would hurt one of us, either mentally or physically. The feeling of being stuck in a very very awkward and scary situation with a child thats dependent on me and I don't even know how we got there. I never intended to speak to her again and now I have no choice. I was relieved when I woke up and realized that it had been a nightmare.

Last night i'd started to feel myself coming down from my manic phase and today I feel even lower. I'm having trouble not thinking about self-harm and actually doing anything. I don't even feel like setting a goal today, I don't want to try to go out. How can I fall so quickly? I feel so tired of everything mentally, I'm going to have to wait at least a week to go back up again now. I'm back in my quiet, depressed, anxious, fearful and terrified state of mind. The state of mind where I push everyone away.

I'm not sure what else to say now. My mind is all over the place but empty at the same time. I just feel like im numbing to everything, I have to appetite, no desires, no nothing. I am nothing.

Sunny morning, poorly Angel

Poor Angel isn't feeling very well still at the moment so instead of walking with her up to the postbox I wrapped her up and sat her in the pram with her drink and her doll and we went for a walk like that. 


I felt very unprepared and anxious and I forced myself to walk the long way around to the post box to post the letters, with the panic audio playing in my ear. I turned it off by the time we got there and decided once I'd posted the letters that although I still felt very panicked I needed to keep going, to break myself of it while I was out instead of giving in and going home where I knew the panic would go away because I knew it was panic and that's all, or at least I believed in it that it was. (for once).
I walked through the smaller park and forced myself out onto the main road which is very hard for me because its busy, When I could have turned into quieter streets again I pushed for more, for further, feeling the panic an going with it. I used bridging, looking at the people around me and memorizing what they were wearing. Angel sat very quietly and happily in the pram chattering away and sipping her drink while I worked it out with myself. We cut into a quiet street and went to the end of the road to near wear our house is but I decided to carry on as I hadn't completely got over the attack. I pushed onwards, going further than before, by the huge medical center, past the big park and the college and onto the main road back towards home, by which time i was feeling calm and I'd beaten the panic. I walked slowly back, enjoying the sun. 


We then spent the next hour sitting outside in the sun doing some drawing and some sticking. 


Angel has got to go to the doctors this evening at half past 4 so I have settled her down for her sleep early today so she will be awake by then. I'm worried because she's very quiet and withdrawn and she just wants to drink a lot, cry and hold her ears like they hurt. I don't think I'll be able to go with T and Angel because of the time of the day and having to have eaten lunch and getting dinner ready. I know she will be fine with T but I can't help but feel it is a mum's duty to go also and help. Maybe all my excuses are just that... excuses. 


After the argument I had with my sister over 2 weeks ago I decided to text her and try to get her talking to me again but she seems mostly disinterested and to be totally honest I don't want her crap dragging me back down right now. She is so much like her mother sometimes and I have neither the time nor the patience for that level of childish attention-seeking shit. All I can say is look at me, I'm doing this without you, you failed me and I don't care. 

On the down? Or just a tired blip

Of all the things I could have done today. All the ideas Id had,I don't think I'm going to get very far. I'm feeling very groggy after upping my dose of Meds yesterday and dizzy.

It's a beautiful day outside and I'm hoping ill feel confident enough to at least take angel for a walk even if its just to the post box. I'm not sure whether this is the beginning of my downward phase which if my past length of moods are anything to go by I'm due to be going down in the next few days.

Last night i felt panicky after taking my double dose, I plugged my earphones into my phone and used my relaxation audios which helped far more than I ever thought they would. I felt relaxed enough to just let go and fall asleep naturally before my tablets could take effect properly and take that choice from me. Perhaps once I get going a bit better today and have had some of my lovely cold mocha ill feel more ambitious.

New laptop and a brilliant Sunday

The goal today was to go out with Angel and T to a park then to PC World to look at the laptops. As I had such a sucessful day yesterday I decided to try todays goals without any lorazapam.

I decided to wear my new pink and denim trainers and some skinny jeans (not at all my usual style as I'm usually too self-concious.)

We got ready and it took a while then finally we climbed into the car and went. I didnt feel at all panicky and when we got to the park I left my bag and all its contents including my drink and phone in the car and played with Angel in the park. I kinda felt as if my bag was almost symobolic and i felt like I had nothing weighing me down as we walked around and just had some fun in the warm weather. From there me and Angel shared some crisps in the car as we travelled the few miles to PC World. We had to sit in the car for a little while when we arrived as it wasnt open but although the place was very huge and imposing I sat happily in the car munching crisps and chattering away to Angel and T. When the doors opened I didnt hesitate, i got Angel out and we went into the huge building with the crowd that had gathered outside. The entrance door was the whole long shop length away from the exit door and we'd parked the car in the middle of the two. Usually I'd have been beside myself with panic and worry about getting out but I wasnt at all. I was focussed on doing what it was we were there to do -which was looking for a new laptop for me so T can have my old one for his work - while watching Angel and keeping her entertained. I practised typing on a few, explored the mouse pad and got a feel for them in my own time, relaxed. I deicded I really liked a red one which has a huge spec and memory with web cam etc etc. Big wide screen and very nice to type on. I am now in fact typing on the laptop I fell in love with. We brought it and had more of a look around then drove home to have a picnic outside our house in the sun on a blanket. I am totally blown away at how calm and composed I was today and how little worry or panic I had. I have a suspician that it is was becuase I'm in a more manic phase and things don't bother me or get me down anywhere as near as much when I'm in that state. I only wish I could perminately stay so happy and upbeat and fun.

Today = a success and I absolutely love my new laptop.

There are a few friends that I'm worried about at the moment, they both read this and I would like to say don't worry you arent a burden and I'm here for you, whenever you need me <3

Errol

Opening up to the possibilities

After such a successful day today and probably due to my generaly more upbeat mood, It's like my mind is opening to all the possibilities and all the ideas that I could do with Angel.
It started with me wondering what we should all do tomorrow, then I got onto thinking about how nice it would be to go ice-skating again (I used to skate a lot before my panic got worse) and how I could take Angel and teach her. I relaised that they have a toddler group where they have toys and things and it looks to be well priced too, it is mondays from 10.00 until 11.45. I really fancy going, but im quite afraid.
Maybe I'm jumping into things a bit soon, yes when I'm manic I feel I could do anything, maybe despite the new meds it's just that? I know I need lorazapam to do a lot of the things I want to do.
Just sitting here while I wait to feel tired enough to go to bed I've been thinkning through other places Angel and I could go, That we could go to other parent child groups, we could when I'm doing better travel on buses to get places and then maybe even trains. I don't feel so trapped by myself at the moment and the posibilities are flying at me at speed. I was even thinking about what it would be like to take Angel on holiday somewhere at some point. Of course I'd like to go as a family of all 3 of us but with the house move and things going on like T visiting his parents in a week or so, I like the posibility of taking Angel away. (I just know, or presume I'm not ready for it yet, or maybe I'm afraid of being ready for more?)

I think that I should take it slowly, like i have been doing, build it up gradually. I dont want to push it and have a bad experience and end up back where I was or worse. I have to admit I'm feeling a little afraid of the freedom, yes i want it and I'm grateful, but im not used to it and it scares me.

Tomorrow we are hoping to go somewhere to look at some computers and to a park where we can play with Angel. (Weather depending of course).

Maybe in the week once I know what T is working I can plan to go out a couple of times with Angel again, maybe to town or something, maybe further? As well as our little trips to the post box and our little walks which are always fun for both of us and unless I'm having a very bad time I try to push for further or at least just as far every time. There's a stay and play group for parents and toddlers at Angel's friends nursery every weekday morning. I had planned to start taking her a few days pf the week before but ended up talking myself out of it. I know how much she would love it, maybe I should try to go one day. Perhaps if i walk up there with Angels friends mum I might feel more comfotable with it.

My main goal, is to make Angel happy, to get her out of the house and advernturing. I think I'm achieveing it for now. I just hope I can keep it up, for her sake.

A 'normal' day

Fridays Goal: Pick up a friend from the train station and then go in a few shops to look around. Eat with company then take my friend back to the station.

I was fine picking L up from the station, T and Angel came in the car and then we drove across to the row of shops with a craft store and toyshop. We went in both and I felt completely fine and at ease with my friend who i hadnt met before. When we got back to our house we had some chips and I had a pie for lunch and I ate a good amount and didnt feel panicky. We chatted and later the big task of returning my friend to the station came, I was very anxious getting in the car, knowing i'd eaten under 4 hours ago and what i consider non-safe food and I knew my lorazapam was beginning to wear off. But I took a couple of aconite and we went, I felt a bit anxious and edgy but I was okay and managed to stay mostly calm. Once we'd dropped her off T said he wanted to go to the pos office which was a drive away from the station and I just thought, well im out now we may as well, and like that we went, I was fine, nibbled some crisps in the car then came home.

T was in a very odd mood last night, irritable and sensitive and he snapped at me a little which upset me. I decided to help him by doing some hypnotism/relaxation with him. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would, my words came and I knew exactly what to say to make it work. It felt like I was almost in a different plane myself doing it to him. Afterwards he woke up and was much calmer and happier and he has continued to be today too.

Saturday (today) Goal: To go shopping at the big arena Tesco for our weekly food shop.

We got up early and I took half a lorazapam then we got ready, and we went out about 9 i think. It was a nice quiet journey there and I didn't feel panicky at all. We arrived and managed to park quite close near the middle doors. Then we went in and had a look around the shoe shop first as I've been after some shoes to go with my skinny jeans. I found some beautful denim and pink ones (not at all my usual style) and they felt fine and I decided theyy would look nice in all my skinny jeans so got them. We then had a look around game which was still fairly near the car (althought i didnt feel anxious at all, and didnt even think about the need to go back). After that shop T payed for a game we'd found and I decided to go into the huge proper Tesco myself to start looking at the clothes. I didnt see anything I really fancied then T met back up with me and Angel and we started the shopping. I pushed the trolly for parts of it, I went off and ran errands for parts of it, each time leaving my bad with my drink, meds, keys etc all my safety things with T beucase I felt fine enough to not need them, or even think about needing them. We did the checkout then T took the shopping back to the car while I took Angel into the library to look for a few knitting books for me. I found a good few then sat at some little tables with Angel to look at some books for her. Also found so Italion books :)

Next we decided what the hell we're out and all enjoying ourselves lets go somewhere else. So we drove across to The Range. I dont really remember much of the drive, i niobbled my crisps and just enjoyed the journey. There we went to the very back of the store away from the doors and toilets to the pet section and picked up a scratching post for our cats. From there we payed then instead of moving the car as near o sanisburys as we could get, which we would have to usually do for me to feel comfortable enough to even make it inside the shop doors, we walked across and left the car where it was. We went right to the back of the shop to where the bread and bakery part it, the hardest part usually for me beucase of the smells and fresher food.

I was fine and then we went to pay, then walked back to the car and decided that because Angel wa so tired we should head home to put the shopping away and get some lunch.

So now Angel is going to have her nap and once I've finsihed blogging I'm going to sit with my huge bottle of cherry coke and work on making some more handmade jewellery to sell in my shop. I'm hoping I'll manage to get my 2rd book finsihed later today too.

Catch up

I can't believe today is Thursday already and thats it's almost Friday. Wednesday I didn't really set a goel for myself, I'd had a rotten nights sleep and was feeling very groggy all day. I'd hoped that we could go out somewhere nice and felt very dissapointed when I couldnt even walk to begin with beucause of how tired and dizzy I was. After an anit-dizzy tablet we decided to try to go to a library which was 2nd best to the garden centre we planned to go to. Unfortinately on 0 lorazapam and with my head being all fuzzy I was extra sensitive so when we got near our local one and there were no nearby parking spaces we thought we'd try another, but that one also didnt have any nearby spaces to park in so I asked T to bring me home. I helped him get the pram ready and he took Angel into town for a few hours to go to the central library and get some lunch. I spent the time they were out writing some of my book. I don't really remember much about the evening.

I went to sleep about quarter to twelve and was woken up less than five minutes later by a panic attack for no reason that I could come up with. I spent the best part of an hour battling with the sedative affects of my new meds and the strong panic attack. I finally must have gone off to sleep, and continued to have a very disturbed night with Angel waking up a few times. I fortinately wasnt very groggy this morning though and a mug of strong mocha helped with that as well. T went out and I set the goal of going to the shop beucause I wasnt feeling up to walking to the postbox or for a walk. It was beautiful and sunny and we went and sat outside to share a snack. Once Angel was bored of the crisps we went around to the shop and I stayed calm so when we had popped back home I grabbed my bag and forced myself despite my panic attack to walk up to the postbox and back. Not one of our nicest outings but I did it regardless and I think that that is part of the battle, keeping going even when things get tough.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for the first time, I'm a little anxious about it but im more excited than anything. We are planning to pick her up from the train station and go to a nearby craft store to look around. Hopefully it will help Angel be less shy too, although I don't think she'll be too bad, just a feeling.

I'm not expecting to get a lot of sleep tonight, I have almost finished writing my book and my mind is full of ideas and stuff for the end of it as well as the next one. I also have horrendous heartburn from my Flouxidine which I havn't had for ages but tonight, it is back with the vengence. I have had to take my new tablet with the heartburn beucase it was getting late, so my throat is now burning like there is something painful stuck. I'm kinda dreading the sedative affect of the meds beucause im not ready for sleep with this feeling.

Make the most of every minute, appreciate all the good bits and learn from the bad.

Today's goal was taking Angel to the postbox. I didnt want to be too adventerous after yesterday and with trying my new meds again. I slept okay last night apart from waking T up a few times talking and having conversations with him in my sleep agian (I don't remember any of it).

I had Angel on my own all day again, I got her up, fed and dressed and we did our teeth and she wanted to wash her face like mummy. Then after giving her her bottle and trying to keep my patience in check while we did a few household chores - I was feeling irritable again - we put on some light jackets and went outside into the sun. It was beautiful and summery outside and I decided I felt okay enough to walk the long way round on a differnt route to usual to the post box. Angel held my hand and chattered to me the whole walk about the post man who we kept seeing, the differnt coloured doors and the cars then some flowers that we found. It was relaxing with only anxiety and no panic attack thankfully. We went the longer way home and then nearly got ran over by a man taking a U-turn where he wasnt supposed to, and I had to grab Angel and move her out of the way of the car. I made sure to put the driver in his place, showing confidence I didnt know I had.

I struggled at times today to keep my patience in check with how irritable I felt. But sitting outside in the sun drawing with Angel and our walk was just what I needed to keep me calm as well as a movie.

I'm now unconvinced whether the irrtability and low mood is down to my new meds, I think it may be more to do with stress after have two very distubed and not at all relaxing weekends when that is my usual time off from primary sole mummy care. As well as being triggered by a few things over the past few days then last night having an argument with  friend about medication. She made me feel like my mum used to make me feel. Telling me that I dont try hard enough and I'm not getting better quick enough. (saying all this to me even after I told her about my amazing success in town earlier that day). It broke my heart, I'd been pushing people away becuase of the triggers but I kept her closer and told her most things and she threw it all back in my face. It has shaken my trust in people again and I know two very nice people who don't deserve to be mistrusted. I guess I need to try to get on with things and not let it bother me too much or let it affect my other friendships. I'm not sure how we can mend our friendship now, I left the convesation beucase I didnt see why I should need to denfend all I'm doing, I know how hard im trying, Angel doesnt know but she's happy, T knows how hard I try and I for the moment am winning. So what if i get depressed sometimes, the main thing is, i am providing my family with everything they need, they are happy and I do not want to die.

Tomorrow T has said that beucase of how the weekend went in the end and the lack of Mothers day for me that we can do something in the morning. I am torn between going out in the car as a family or me taking Angel out somewhere, challenging myself knowing that if it goes wrong I can call T to come pick us up or meet us where ever we are. I'm a little taken with the idea of going to a place nearby where they sell animals and theres a huge garden centre, cafe and other little gifts and shops. Angel would love seeing the animals so much. It's about half an hour away or more by car and I'm quite scared of going seeing as everytime i have been there I have had at least one major panic attack. But tonight, I am in the mood for chellenging myself and so  want to try. I am so worried that my new meds will start to cause some nausea and it will hit while we are out or that i will get travel sickness but I guess i have anti emetics and I have relaxants so... unless something drastically changes over night... why not try?

If tomorrow was my last day, would I give Angel the very best day possible? Give her the most fun and happiness? Of course I would, so that is what I should do. Make the most of every minute, appreciate all the good bits and learn from the bad.

I accept

I accepted the challenge....
I gave Angel her bath then got her dressed and put the pushchair up. Once Angel was in the pram I knew unless there was a really good reason I'd have to take her out just up the road at least otherwise she'd bet very upset and confused. I got everything on the pram then left the house grabbing my earphones on the way. I started walking and I felt okay, so i kept going. We got to the big park where all the swans are and my tummy was feeling a little off beucase of not eating much earlier before coming out so we sat down where it was quiet, I gave Angel her snack and I had a few crisps and another quarter of lorazapam on top of the half id had just to give me the extra edge i needed. After sitting there for a while and texting a friend I decided to go. I plugged my earphones into my phone and turned on my panic talk program to keep me calm while I walked. I knew that the walk in would be the hardest part, it was quite busy and there were all different sounds and scents in the air. When we got into the actual centre I realised that there was loads of roadworks eveywhere and It was difficult to get around, which meant it would be difficult to escape and I questioned whether to go home there and then, then a man appeared and helped me up the steps with the puschair and I decided beucase he'd been so nice and I couldnt get back down the steps myself anyway I would go further into the building a little walk away which i know has toilets which acts as a temporary kinda safe space. Unfortinately after navigating the busy maze I realised that the toilets are closed up temporarily. So im stuck in the centre of town, unable to get in touch with my husband and with a baby to look after as well as myself, blocked in a maze of roashworks and lots of sounds and no toilets or safe spaces nearby. My mind attempted to panic but i decided seeing as i was there why not go into the shop a tiny distance away to look for my earrings. I lent down and ran my hands through Angels hair, feeling the soft strands and grounding myself ready for the battle. We got into the shop and looked around but there wasnt anything catching my eye and with all the colours and pretties, Angel wanted it all so we came back out. I then decided that the shop i wanted next wasnt far away at all and I suddenly felt calm. We walked through the maze to the shop and looked around and got what I wanted then came back out and went into a chemist and I decided to grab a few things we needed and to speak to the lady on the pharamacist about my skin and she showed me what products would be best and i payed, staying calm throughout.
I decided seening as I'd come this far I may as well go further and we went through a big shopping centre to the other clairs to look for earrings. It payed off and I found some gorgeous colourful button ones and some star ones that i loved. We then went a few streets down to Lush where I spoke to the lady and tried a spritz of the perfume I'm thinking of getting. Its lovely. We walked around town a bit from there just browsing in the shops and even the large indoor market. We both had a lovely time. Then on the way back out of town we went into Gregg's and brought lunch for us and for T. On the way home I ate a sausage roll and fed some to Angel. We stopped at the park again and had a sit down then I bit the bullet and let Angel play on the park they have there. It was fun, she loved it and I got some photos. Then T came to meet us and we walked home.

Overall we both had a lovely morning together doing 'normal' everyday things that a mummy would do with her daughter. It feels fabulous to be able to just have a normal day with my child.

Do you accept the challenge?

Today I have a really big challenge in mind. To take angel out with me to town, to get a few things I need. I have a little lorazapam in me and I have got everything ready to go. Now I'm just bathing Angel and talking myself into trying. I'm scared though. What if I get ill in town, its a long way to get home....

MiXeD

Friday night I ended up worrying about taking the new tablet so much it was gone half past one in the morning and I decided that seeing as one of the main side affects is to ast like a sedative for hours that I might be best not take it that late. T agreed when he 'Finally' came to bed and we went to sleep. I dreamt about my friend who I've grown every close to and to T but it wasnt a bad dream, it was very nice for once.

I was scared and excited about going out Satruday morning, and after an okay night sleep I took half a lorazpam to prepare for the day. I'd thought we would go to the library but we decided on going to a shopping place instead. I took another half lorazapam when that half didnt feel enough then we got ready and went out a lot later than expected. We walked around one shop and I found some new jeans and some new shorts. We had a look round a few other shops where I found nice wools and other bits and bobs and I met my Nanny in the carpark for a chat which was lovely beucase i havnt seen her in ages. I managed to walk away from the car and go into shops a good distance away without having to park right outside and more the car everytime we went in another one. We had lunch and I ate more then when we go home and Angel went for her nap I suddenly turned very tired, so after talking to my friend online for a while I decided to lie down.
An hour later T and Angel stood in the doorway to the bedroom waking me up and I felt so disorientated. They left me to sleep some more and I missed out of so much that I wanted to do. I missed out on writing or knitting time while Angel napped, then her playing outside then the shopping delivery which doesnt sound fun but it always is with Angel beucase she likes helping and carrying for us which is lovely to watch and she gets all excited. It took a good few hours to wake up then I couldnt get my head into writing when I tried and I wasnt at all hungry.

I took all my tablets including my new one and within an hour of taking it felt tired and went to bed. Apparenly I didnt even twitch when T came to bed a while later and I dont remember much so they must be good sedative sideaffects.

Today however... went downhill from the word go. I wanted to wear my new jeans and look nice to get some photos of me and Angel on mothers day. I didnt feel right in them and I got annoyed and felt irritable so put my normal garb on. Then after breakfast - which I made all of beucase T was busy chatting - we were supposed to be going out to my favourite craft shop which i was really really looking forward to despite not having any lorazapam in my system. Unfortintaly just after I got Angels coat on and her shoes etc T noticed that our youngest cat was peeing blood and she needed to go to the vets. So after a battle to get her into the carry box and me getting quite deeply scratched he went off in the car leaving me feeling bereft and very dissapointed. The scratch felt so good and I just watched the blood. Thats when I realised I wanted to hurt myself. I looked after Angel and played with her then put some food under the grill for her lunch aski T's friend to keep an eye on it so it wouldnt burn while I took Angel out for a walk.

I was actually proud of myself, I took Angel a completely differnt way to the way we usually go and we went along a main road which is a big thing for me, i usually like to hide on small hidden roads. We did a big loop and I wasnt panicky once then we came back home to find the food was all burned to a crisp and had to be thrown away and it was already past Angels lunch time so i had to make more food like instantly, no time to cook.
I threw together a chocolate spread sandwhich which i hadnt tried Angel with before but she refused to eat any of it at all. I lost my pateince and I admit I wanted to hurt her, but more than anything I wanted to hurt me for being a failing mum and falling apart and showing myself off for what I really am to T's friend who was watching the whole thing. T came home and I got Angel out of the highchair after she'd still had nothing and left her with him, going into the kitchen and closing the door. I took the first knife I found and sliced my hand so it would look like the cat got me worse then made more on my legs. only 3 in total but for someone who cuts maybe twice a month and only one slash each time if that, it was a lot in one go and I wanted to do more, so much more. I wanted to cut until i was bleeding and id have to go to hospital, and thats saying a lot beucase im terrified of medical places.

I threw myself into cooking for T and his friend, washing up, washing, cleaning the cooker and the surfaces and everything I could find, cleaning out and feeding the rabbit, tidying the surfaces and making bottles and everything else i could think of until my hands hurt and I'd run out of things to go. By that time i was time for Angels sleep and I persuaded T he should take his friend out. I didnt want to be around anyone at all. They went out and I talked to my friend over cam for a while, then Angel who didnt sleep joined in and we had fun but I still can shake the depression.

T's friend has gone home now after buying a few of my bracelets off me. She was lovely and it's not her fault i was the way I was and Im ashamed of how i acted and I want to hurt myself loads.

I'm not sure why but right now I cant stand to be physically near anyone or to talk to anyone and I dont know why. It cant be the meds already? Surely? I'm not entirely sure I care really.

All i know is that this weekend was supposed to go differntly, today was supposed to be my day, mothers day. but i worked my ass off running round after other people and feeling like making myself scream in pain. I want my FFing weekend back, I lost last weekend through recoving from the dentist and I lost this one because I had no choice about his friend staying. When do i get my FFing time off. I dont, why? Beucase I dont deserve it. It confirms my beliefs.


A quick last note here: Last night (Sunday 18th) I relaised I had a rash all over my legs, on my tummy and back and a little on the back of my hand. It had dissapeared by this morning but I didnt end up taking my tablet last night in case it was all related. T wants me to take another tonight to find out but im worried beucase if i feel suicidal tomorrow while Angel is alone with me all day, that would be very very bad.

MaNiC depressive

Yeasterday I left my blog on a bad note yesteday, I didnt feel up to writing any more, I was so low I couldnt stop crying. I ended up listening to some music I hadnt listened to before and one of the songs that came on  had exactly the same title as my poem that I wrote earlier in the morning. The words were similar too and it broke my heart and I let T know how low i was and I wanted to harm and he headed home. I couldnt stop playing the song on a loop and just crying whilst I watched Angel sleeping beside me.

I pulled myself together when Angel woke up form her nap and we went outside, even though I looked like crap from crying, she wanted it to so we did. We ended up bumping into her little friend and her mum. After talking for a while and watching the children playing I perked up a little. Then I got some great writing done in the evening and I felt a lot better. I started planning my next book and I ended up a little hyper about it and excited, kinda felt like i was headed into a manic state, which was very welcome.



Today I woke up feeling quite manic, I took Angel out for a walk and pushed myself to go further despite feeling anxious and thinkning i felt ill. We actually had a nice walk in the end and the only thing that spolied it was a very loud motorbike hutling past us at stupid speeds and absolutely terrifying poor Angel and I had to talk her back into feeling comfortable enough to walk again but she didnt so I then ended up carrying her home.

Later on I took her back out on her trike to try to teach her to ride it, she couldnt quite get it but I felt relaxed enough to walk down the road a way (would have been further if i hadnt left the front door unlocked) and met someone to talk to. When we came home T came home from work and brought me a basket of flowers from Angel for mothers day. Which made me feel so happy and special, although I doubted I deserved them, it was a total shock, i didnt expect anything.
Then I got an e-mail reply from my doctor saying that after discussing my case with another GP and about the e-mail i'd sent him the previous day, he wants me to go onto mood stabalizers. I've always known that I have bi-polar or cyclothymia or something and I've worked so hard to get someone to believe me and finally they have. But now I feel like I'm a dissapointment and useless... again. I'm terrified of starting on some more meds, my tummy has been churny enough today without worrying about more but T wants me to try it and so do the professionals. I cant help but wonder now whether I over reacted and made it all up. What is real and what is all made up by my mind?

While Angel slept I then got a lot of writing done which cheered me up, (I submerged myself in another character, another world) then we went outside and played with Angel's friend again. But by this time i was feel major guilt about everything and my mum's voice was going on inside my mind.

I'm a bit blah now, im not sure what I'm feeling but my tummy isnt happy at all. It hasnt been for days but today has been the worse and I've barely eaten anything at all and now i have a new tablet which is a huge size to take on a wibbly tummy.

T's friend has come to stay for the weekend, and I dont feel as panicky as I usually would but I can't help but wonder if part of my tummy is down to inteneral hidden worries. Although I have thought i might be best take some lorazapam. I wont though, i know I will need it for going out over the next few days. Going in a car with people other than T and Angel makes me very panicky. The car is my safe space and the house too and they are both taken over.

Guess I'll see how things go and try to talk myself into taking the tablet.

Angel's poem

I wasn't feeling very depressed then this poem just made itself up in my mind and I couldn't help but cry as I held my little girl to me thinking the words over and over and wishing I have the strength to stay for her and watch her grow up and all the things she'll experience and explore.
Sleep little angel,
Off you go.
And if mummy ever leaves you,
She wants you to know...

Your safe with daddy
It was never your fault.
I will always love you,
Mummy had battles that were impossible to fight.

I hope you never read this I hope I never leave.
Mummy does everything she can to battle for you and daddy,
And make you both happy
To wage the war everyday just to breathe.
Sleep now Angel,
Knowing that you are my world,
That I'm always with you
In some form
Holding you close as the future unfurls.

The plastic man

Park up outside the huge converted house and walk from the car up the path to the door which would have been the back door before the house was converted. Inside it smells clinical and the air is warm and although the house is still mostly set out like a house structurely it feels impersonal and intimidating. The reception desk is through a door and into what would have been the entrance hall once the faceless woman has taken my name we go into the doorway to our right into what would have been the living room. Now there are padded but bench like seats all around the outside of the room with a centre island of bench seats around a centre piece with magazines stacked up on it. There are potted plants and blinds just like in a normal house and on the wall high up is a TV which is almost always playing children's programs. It's quite a large room which feels safe in comparison to the rest of the building. I sit hunched over against one wall with my dad beside me. He doesn't talk to me as he flicks through magazines and fidgets about impatiently. I try to watch the tv or look at a magazine but I know what's coming and every time a nurse walks into my room my stomach drops, waiting for my name to be called. Finally my name is said and I nudge dad to let him know we've been called. We follow the nurse back past the reception desk and back past the door to the carpark. We turn left up the staircase. The stairs are very steep and carpeted and the wooden bannister is has been painted so many times the white gloss feels almost sticky and thick to the touch. With the nurse in front and my dad behind I feel trapped and I'm forced to walk forward. Turn left at the top of the stairs and walk down the landing past one room and to the last door on the right. This door is also white gloss and outside is a little alcove where there are two seats and a little coffee table with more magazines on. We are told to sit down and wait until he's ready to see me. My stomach is churning and I sit frozen to the seat,barely breathing while we wait in silence. I want to tell dad I'm scared but I'm scared to tell him. I know he either won't respond or he will give me a look that says I'm being silly. The door to the room opens and the nurse leads us into the spacious room. There's a window with a window seat to the left that looks out over the roads we just came down. There's a seat against the wall bear the door we've just come through and dad takes a seat while I make the walk across the room to the far right corner where the chair and all the instruments are set out waiting. He stands behind the chair pulling his mask and thick latex gloves on,smiling at me with those falsely white straight teeth and that tanned skin in his plastic face. I sit down shakily and feel the chair moving under me, Lifting me up so i can't get down easily and escape. He lies the chair back and shines that blinding light in my eyes. I begin to feel him poking round in my mouth with his fingers, the taste of those gloves is poisonous and nauseating and he's stretching my mouth so it splits at the corners. He calls out let's and numbers to the nurse, his words are interspersed with hmmm and oh dear sounds and I feel my pulse quickening,knowing it means even more work. "i always like seeing you, I get paid lots for all your fillings" he says sounding more than pleased. When he finally allows me to sit up he turns to dad and speaks past me, over me, ignoring me like the disgusting child I am. He tells dad I need more work. 3 fillings and perhaps an extraction too. "its a good thing you don't have to pay for all the work" he says to dad laughing. Dad looks disappointed and I sit in the window seat,looking outside and wishing I was dead while trying to keep my tears from spilling over, I know that when I cried before I got nothing but told I was being stupid and made to feel like a pathetic baby. The memories of having the work done are mostly clouded still but every day more comes back to me. Right now I can only rememwber the hopelessness and the sound of the drill and the pain. But not much else apart from the taste of those gloves almost feeling like his fingers are violating me and touching me where I shouldn't be touched. He makes me feel sick, ugly and violated. I am disgusting for having bad teeth,a disappointment and let down as a daughter. Dad has always had nearly perfect teeth and my sister too, why am I such a disappointment.

"White door."

I didn't really set a goal for today. T was working from home and Angel was in a rotten mood. She's been waking up every day very early and today was the earliest so far; at half past 4 in the morning! Thank goodness we now have a talk back video monitor which means we can stay in bed instead of freezing in her room on the floor.

Regardless of my lack of goal and thinking I wouldn't get very far I managed to walk with Angel down a few streets away from the house and she seemed to enjoy the walk. She held my hand and trotted along pointing at doors and saying "White door." "Green door." "White door."............ It was incredibly cute and saying them with her to encourage her to learn more of her colours distracted my mind and worked at bridging.

This evening I managed to eat something I wouldn't usuall as I have a problem with allowing myself to eat brightly coloured food. T made a tomato and beef pasta sauce with pasta (Pasta is also a no no food for me). I managed a bowl full and suprised myself with not feeling very panicky about eating it particularly, unless I've just jinx myself now that is.

I had more dreams about my mum last night which led to me being in a strange irritable mood this morning, especially with Angel who's bad mood was boucing off my own and we were both winding each other up more. Thankfully some lunch and Angel's sleep sorted us out and I managed to get some extra cleaning done throughout the day, in preparation for T's friend coming to stay at the weekend. There's still a lot to do though so the next two days will be pretty busy. Hopefully Angel will sleep well and to a good time and her mood will allow us to do some cleaning.

Waste

Waste - Foster The People

 

"And every day that you want to waste

That you want to waste

You can

And every day that you want to wake up

And you want to wake

You can

And every day that you want to change

That you want to change

Yeah I'll help you see it through

'Cause I just really wanna be with you"

 

 

This is the song that my husband sings to me. It makes me cry just hearing it and I have it playing over and over at the moment. I seem to be gathering a group of songs that either kill me inside when I'm depressed but which also help to pull me back up and give me the inspiration to try, to push for more than I have and more than I am giving.

 

I've been doing a lot of worrying today, worrying about the weekend, T's friend is coming to stay with us and I'm uncomfortable with sharing my personal space especially kitchen and bathroom with someone new. I know she is perfectly nice person, she is so eager to meet me and Angel and she hasnt seen T for about 10 or more years. I feel like I can' say no, T wants her to come so much and who am I to argue? I'm mostly friendless except for the select two that I allow in. I will just have to cope and part of me wants to challenge it, to have her here and go out in the car with her in the back and cope, just do it, be fun and have fun. Come back manic phase!!!

 

The other thing that is pressing on my mind a lot is the upcoming event of T's mums birthday. They are throwing a suprise 60th birthday for her. This would be an issue if they lived near, it would be very hard for me. But they live over 3 hours away from here. So not only would I be expected to go to a difficult party with food that I dont know who's touched or whether its cooked properly but also having to stay at someone's house and picking up goodness knows what while we are there. I can't cope with that right now. Its been a few years since we went to T's families house as that place presses buttons on me. The worst sickness bug i had I got when we were there and we were in a strange place as id only been there once before and I was so ill i couldnt walk or breathe. The next time we went a smiliar thing happened except th illness hit me when we were on the 4 hour travel home. I didnt know whether i was ill or panicking. turned out to be both. That place harbours germs with how many people live there and go in and out of there. I cant cope with that so the only other possible option is a hotel. I really dont think we can afford a hotel. I am not at all comfortable with T taking Angel with him alone as she could pick things up and on my own here for a weekend, i'm not sure what I would do (self-harm and suicide wise) especially knowing they could be bringing something back with them. The last option is for T to go alone leaving me with Angel on my own with the animals and the housework for a weekend. He has offered that if I do that then he will book me into a hotel for a night on my own and I can spend a day the night then the next morning in the hotel alone to write or do what I want. It's a very tempting offer but regardless of whether I think I can cope with Angel alone all weekend after a week of having her while T is at work anyway then the following week. There is still the threat of T coming home with some 'something' and passing it to us which I just cant do. I cant cope with that. He dropped this bombshell on me the day after I had my dentist work done and still hadnt recovered from the drugs and I feel again a lot like it is one battle to the next. When is the reprieve?

 

My mum's words have been in my mind all day today and I'm feeling very easily triggered and upset. I'm still having an eppy about my teeth and I keep poking them and thinking they arent right, its going wrong I'm going to have to go back.

 

I can recognise what I 'should' be doing - I should be enjoying every moment I have with T and with Angel and every happy thing we have. In this moment in time, I'm not at the dentistright now, im free from mum and I have nothing that needs doing, my daughter is happy and I have a whole evening ahead of me to w-do whatever I want to do. Why not just enjoy myself and not worry?

 

I did think with this mentality at least once today. I was finding going out hard but I pushed myself thinking if today was my last day wouldn't I want to know I'd done my best for Angel, pushed myself to my limit for her? So we got our coats on and I forced myself to go to the postbox and let Angel post a letter for T. On the way back Angel wanted to deviate from my original path I'd intended to take and I allowed us to go a longer way round even though it made me panic. I wanted to let her walk further and look at the trees. So I had one win.

 

Hopefully I can rest a little easier tonight, getting all these scary thoughts and fears out in writing.

 

 

 

 

 

Loving words from mum

After a rough night with barely any sleep then awake at 5 with Angel I should be feeling more tired than I am but instead I'm feeling betrayed and confused as more memories of my mum decided to creep up on me in the night in my nightmares and then into consciousness.

Mums words to me on a regular basis when I was self-harming and suicidal when I lived in my parents home. Age 11-16.

"If your going to kill yourself then hurry up and do it. So we can all go to your funeral and get it out of the way. Were all stuck in limbo waiting for you to die. Just hurry up and get it over with so we can get on with our lives."

I'm not entirely sure how I survived living in that house with her. Or how I could have thought those kind of things were normal but I didn't know anything else. And part of me still wonders If I make it all up, but surely that wouldn't have the same triggering effects. I think my mum feelings and memiries are surfacing with the coming mothers day. It will be the first one I havnt 'had' to do something for her. And it presses my buttons being a mummy and thinking I could turn into her with Angel. Sometimes I remind myself of her and it sickens me.

Battles, wars and fights.

I'm having trouble starting this entry off, It's been a few days again and I know I tend to fall out of the habit of doing something if I stop. So I'm pushing myself to write down what I'm feeling and thinking.

I think the main problem is that my thoughts are still so scattered and tattered after going through so much in the last week. My teeth are still causing me pain and I've been assured by a few people that its down to swelling still and healing and that it most likely isnt a sign that I'll have to go back to the dentist for more work. Unfortinately my self-destructive brain keeps telling me different, scareing me with scenarios where I have to go go back and face that all over again. My hands are still bruised from the needles and I feel happy about that for some reason, I like seeing the bruises and feeling the ache.

Anyway, the cut from my self-harm has all but gone now, I seem to heal so quickly with cuts. Its dissapointing.

Tomorrow I have Angel on my own all day from an early time beucase T has a very important work meeting a good distance away from where we live. I'm not looking forward to it really, I dont feel like I'm entirely ready for it but I have to so I will.

It feels a little like my life is made up of constant little wars that I keep fighting but there are always more, some harder some easier but always the wars and battles. I really really want to get to where I was a few weeks, or was it only a week? The place where I was safe and happy and I could live through the battles and put up a valliant fight. I seem to have re-errected my wall and I'm not sure how to bring it back down again. Part of me wants to wait for the manic phase again, hoping that it will come of its own accord, while part of me believes that to be totally gone now and my meds might need upping for me to be able to cope again. I'm not sure so I think the best thing to do would be to keep going until the end of the week then deicde about e-mailing the doctor and asking for upping my meds.

I should be on top of the world, I've come through a big challenge and I'm out the other side. I shouldnt have to go back to the dentist for a while now, especially for sedation. But I cant help feeling this fight isnt over yet. Over cautious or my intuition im not sure but I fear for the worst.

The lowest point

I cant remember which day I last post on here, I think it was possibly Tuesday. T came home on Tuesday night and once Angel was in bed I really fell down. I lost all the positivity in me and I was consumed with the thought that that was it. I was going to die that night. I obviously wasnt as convinced by the idea as I thought i was beucase I broke down and told T how i was feeling, he then cuddled me and told me that he would stay up all night and watch me to make sure I didnt kill myself. In the end we came to the conclusion that I would take my meds then a sedative to put me to sleep so we could all get some rest and I physically coudlnt hurt myself. In the morning after a night full of bad dreams which I couldnt escape seeing as I was under sedative.

I was a bit of a wreck in the morning, I took one diazapam and didnt feel much better so took another and still didnt feel as calm as I needed to be but by the time we all got ready and were standing on the stair case in the dentists and a few of the nurses and receptionists had checked I was okay I was beginning to feel some effect and calmed down a little. I went into the room and let the dentist check my teeth to see what work needed doing then I sighned the papers and T took my hand while Angel was in the sling on him. The dentist inserted the needle and it hurt like hell but I stayed calm. Very calm considering I was in my major phobia situation. UNfortinately my vein collapsed on the needle and he had to remove it again. He put it in a seccond time and it hurt a hell of a lot more and I actually screamed out. The pain then triggered my run reflex. Everywhere went dark and flashing lights, sounds got far away and a rushing sound was in my ears. I felt hot and sweaty and I coudlnt breathe and I felt nauseaus and I kept thinking what if im sick? I cant be sick, i cant make a mess. I couldnt work out if it was the meds being pout into me that was making me feel like it or whwther I was passing out. I kept asking but I didnnt know if i was making any sense.  I pulled awya and he removed the needle because the vein collapsed again. I was panicjing and trying to get away when he went to put it in a third time. I screamed and begged for him to stop but they all kept saying it would be okay, i would be okay, but i wasnt okay. I was scared and I felt so ill. I dug my nails into my wrists and truied to focus but i couldnt and i got out of the chair after i had convinced people I needed to go, which took some doing in my panic state. I rushed outside, struggling with the door the collapsed agianst T, unable to breath and choking on fear. We got me to the car and I went totally numb, completely convinced that i needed to die beucase I coudlnt go back to the dentist to try again after that experience.

Once we arrived home I left Angel with T and went straight to our room where I collpased on the bed and cried and cried. Then I remebered that there was a knife in my drawer by the bed. I started cutting my wrist, one slice after another, revelling in the pain and enjoying every minute while my heart felt like it was being torn apart. I could hear Angel downstairs calling "mummy? Mummy?" and I think she knew I was trying to die. I dont think i really wanted to, fortinately the knife was too blunt to do aything more than draw a little blood. That was the lowest point I've ever reached in my life, trying to end my life while the litlte life I made calls out for me. It makes me cry just thinking about it now. I can't believe how completely lost i felt.

T called the dentist and made a new appointment for Friday morning and we called the doctors and the crisis team. The doctors helped but the crisis team told us that they couldnt or wouldnt help. Once we'd put Angel to bed I broke down again and T gave me another sedative and I just slept.
The following day I had Angel on my own as T was called into work unexpectely and I managed very well all day, I help myself together great and looked after Angel brilliantly. I wasnt sure how the next day would play out but I did my very best for Angel and we had a lovely day togetehr pretending the next day would never come. T picked up some numbing gel for my hands ready for the needles for the day after and he also asked out neighbour that we trust if she would be happy to have Angel the next morning so T could concentrate on keeping me calm.

The morning came all too soon, I didnt take a sedative the night before but I slept okay from pure exaustion.
T woke me up and gave me a lorazapam and two diazpepam right away which i took although i didnt want to. We got ready and gave Angel to our neighbour. I felt comfortable that she was safe and I was beginnig to feel a little spaced. We got in the car and went, it was a little bit of a blur beucause of the drugs but we parked in a good spot. I was very calm on the staircase then the dentist came to get me. I sat down on the seat and T held my hand. I stayed calm miraculously while he put the needle in the back on my hand. I watched him inject the stuff into me but it started hurting again because my vein collpased. But he had managed to get half of the meds into me. So when I asked for a few moments to calm down and regather my calm I started to feel it working and I didnt feel the next two needle tries particularly. I remember little bits from the procedure but nothing massive and I was under th influence. I dont remember getting home but somehow I woke up in my bed warm and cosy and safe under a blanket about three hours later. My mouth was very sore and swollen and my hands hurt like hell but I was alieve and that was over.

I slept most of Friday away and today I've had very little energy and I'm still sore in my mouth and my hands, where the bruises are all coming out. Even thought I coped in the end, i know it was the drugs and I guess what I need to do now is work myself out of this depression and work at getting myself in a better place for the next for the next round of work, wheneve that might be.

I feel exhausted both mentaly and physically but I know I need to be much better after tomorrow as I have Angel all day for a few days while T works. I need to get out of this depression too, i thiught it would have lifted after the procedure but it hasnt. I'm not entirely suicidal but I'm not happy either. I'm in limbo waiting for the next mood. i'm absoluatly terrified that the teeth he fixed are fixed prperly and I'll have to go bakc to have them redone, but i hope thats just fear and the fact that they feel differnt and the gums are tender.

I'm exhausted now, so I'm going to go and get some more rest.

Spring nicht

I'm not sure whats happened to me. I've gone from being at the top of the world to the bottom. I havn't been this low for a long time. All i can think about is how this is the end. I dont feel like I'll be here by the weekend, even by the end of tomorrow. Every minute is a struggle and I feel like I'm already giving up inside when I dont want to leave. I feel cold and everything is numbing. The only thing that's stopping me from self-harming or more now is that I'm alone with my daughter and I wouldnt do anything with her around.

I thought this was the dentist fear causing such destructive thoughts and such a low mood but when I think about how I'll feel when the dentist is over it doesnt look ay sunnier. I'm numb to the dentist now.
I don't feel like I'll even try to go to the dentist tomorrow, I feel like I've given up, there's no fight left in me. I dont feel like I'll be here by tomorrow night, I cant see anything ahead of how I feel now and how every moment drags on endlessly and I'm so tempted to feel pain, to feel something thats real.

Hopefully T will be home soon and I won't be alone. Hopefully the temptation will be less then.

1st Hypnotherapy Session

This morning I woke up feeling no less depressed than I was yesterday. I got up, reluctantly and took my aconite then got dressed and found I was very hungry. I ate a good breakfast for me then a few hours and some housework later the hypnotherapist G arrived at our house. Just before she'd gotten here I'd perked up a little, probably because I'd been keeping busy and distracted then we'd put on some music and Angel had insisted I dance with her which is always lovely. Oh yes and the sun had come out which always lifts me somewhat.

I'd never met G before but she reminded me of a friend and I felt mostly at ease with her right away. We talked about my mum and my phobias and how my main focus of getting better right now is to get over getting to the dentist and getting the work I need done, done. T then took Angel out and G taught me a breathing techique which I hadn't done before. I forced myself to relax and breathe and then she said as I was responding so well to that we would try a quick session with me laying down. So she got my laying on the sofa and put some blankets over me, I thought I'd be too warm but I love blankets and it was nice, If a little wierd, It feels odd to be looked after and it felt like that was what she was doing.
She got me going on the breathing again and told me to close my eyes. She then talked about the breathing and breathing out bad and breathing in good. Then she counted down from ten and I felt my body going im not sure what, almost like insubstantial or non-existtant. I could still feel it but not. It was a very wierd state of mind and I was taken to a place that was safe and familiar to me as a child and still is now. My ultimate safe place where I don't panic and feel comepletely safe and at ease. (this is a forest that my family own). In this place G continued to talk and I half listened while I met a deer, stroked her and then lay down in the clearing with her beside me. I felt relaxed there, but there was also a large part of me fighting it like mad, wearing me out and even trying to self harm by digging my nails in throughout. I kept thinkning in my working mind I need to stop this, i need to get out while my relaxed mind was saying no, im safe, I can stop anytime, im okay. It felt like only a few moments and then she was counting back up to ten, I opened my eyes almost without telling myself to and realised I'd been in that state for about forty minutes. G said I responded very well and I'm a beautiful person.

I felt very spaced out all afternoon untill I drank a huge cup of coffee then I felt the depression coming back and I text T to ask him to come home beucase I was getting the major self-harm urges agian. By the time Angel woke up from her sleep, texting a friend had helped and knowing T was back in the house with us. I forced myself to have a shower, tie my hair up and get on with the housework and jobs that needed doing. Then once Angel had gone to bed I put my mind to making a mothers day card for my monther-in-law which was a nice change.

Right now I'm battling again with the almost nauseating feeling of fear and dread and overwhelming hopelessness of not having more than two choices about the dentist. I'm still swaying towards suicide rather than the work. I'm thinking of dosing up on lorazapam tomorrow just to get through the day and hopefully keep myself calm enough that I dont talk myself out of going on Wednesday, if i havnt already that is. Part of my mind doesnt believe I will get to the end of this week. I can feel myself shutting off from things, finishing projects and finalizing things and distancing myself from my family. If this gets much worse I may need to involve the crisis team which I'd rather not do.

I'm just so scared.

Falling down **triggering**

*****This entry could be triggering for those sensitive to suicidal talk and self-harm*****

I decided to try to write a blog entry to try to unscramble my mind a little. Maybe I can work out where this mood came from and where my current state started.

I’m currently sitting with a throbbing headache wrapped in my favourite blanket, crying and trying to stop these spinning thoughts.

I could feel myself beginning to come down yesterday but I ignored it and pushed on, I was proud of pushing through but this morning my mood caught me out before I’d even gotten up. I was awake on and off since half 3 starting with a bad dream about my mum and then because Angel had woken up. T took her downstairs at about 7 and told me to stay in bed and get some more rest. I decided it was the best time to do some self hypnotherapy that I’ve been practising. But after the initial try at it I don’t to be able to get my head into it properly like I did the first time I tried it. Today was no different; I couldn’t get my mind into it and ended up dosing and trying not to think about things. When I got up I felt irritable and sensitive but decided despite not wanting or feeling like going out I’d try it and without Lorazapam. I knew once we were in the car it wasn’t a good idea, I felt like being alone and I knew I’d end up upsetting T if she asked me if I wanted to talk about it, which he did. We argued all the way to the shop we were going to, and I felt awful although it wasn’t a full blown argument it was a disagreement and poor Angel was in the back of the car and T ended up feeling upset with what I said -When we got out of the car we did the few errands we needed to do and I was okay despite having eaten and the fact that I was feeling very numb -that I feel alone in getting better and that all the major decisions like going back onto meds I had to make myself otherwise I’d still be back where I was with him promising to help me and not knowing what to do. I told him how I feel about the dentist and how I feel about the last few weeks of doing things and doing better. Now it feels like I was doing it because I knew the dentist was coming and it was my last chance to get out and do the things I wanted to do with my family before I killed myself. At the time it didn’t feel that way but looking back on it now especially last week, it feels a lot like I was given my last chance to live. I can’t see beyond this week. I don’t want to leave but I feel like I’m going to. I have a feeling that if I make another attempt on my life this time I won’t fail. It’s dentist or death and right now, I’m definitely on the side of death.

I’ve reached the point of crying so much my head hurts with every moment and I feel cold from the inside. I can’t concentrate on anything and my tummy is roiling around in protest, setting off my emetophobia. My friend has been texting me which has been helping because my natural state like this is to push everyone away so I can do what I want to do alone. And what I want to do right now is self-harm and take lorazapam, it’s all I can think about. I know where the blades are and I know how it will feel and I want that, so much. I know lorazapam will numb me and relax me and I want to feel that too. Maybe this is some sort of withdrawal thing from the lorazapam, I’ve taken more than my usual amount over the last few weeks and maybe that’s now biting me in the ass. Or maybe its just a reason or excuse because I can’t see straight right now.

I keep thinking, if I’d gone through with the dentist last week when I was more mentally and physically better and more prepared it would all be over now, I’d be out of pain and able to continue getting better. My desire to get better has all but slipped away and that terrifies me.

Tomorrow I have the lady coming round to do the hypnotherapy but I don’t feel like I’m at all in a fit state to try anything like that. I’ll only end up wasting our money on the session and gaining nothing from it apart from more panic. I feel like if I don’t get anything out of tomorrow then that’s my last chance, I will have to choose to live as long as my teeth allow then die. I e-mailed the dentist today to see if he can prescribe me something to keep me calm on the day of the work, so I have two last hopes but I don’t really believe he will offer me anything.

I was expecting a fall, but I wasn’t expecting to hit the bottom, at least not so suddenly. It’s a good thing there are people in the house. I know I’d be in a body bag by now if I’d been alone or at least hospital.

I want to be here for my child and my husband, how ffing pathetic am I that I’m letting the fear of something stupid potentially take me away from that. From what I love and live for. I could never say all the things bad about myself, I could never hurt myself as much as I deserve it and I could never detest myself more. I deserve the punishment of the dentist for being weak, but I’m too weak to even take that punishment. My mum was right about me, I’m a useless let down and a disappointment.

I’m winding myself up in circles so I’d better shut myself up before I go too far with what I say.