Today has been a very mixed day. I'll start with the bad then talk about the good last. I was supposed to be going to the dentist. Unfortinately Angel woke us up at 6 which was over an hour before I could take my LOrazapam so I had that time worrying without any meds in my system, I was managing okay although I had cut myself a tiny bit to help me focus on anything other than the panic.
Then T told me he wasnt feeling so great and he felt stressed and stuff so he wasnt sure about taking me, he didnt want to deal with having to look after me in that kinda situration and with Angel at the same time. I can't blame him at all really. But it did press a few buttons, that I'm putting him under too much stress especially with everything else stressing him out and getting him down.
I was relieved I didnt have to go today but also dissapointed. I wanted to go and get it over with so I could move on with my life and concentrate on moving house and keeping on going out and pushing my boundaries and exploring the world with my new found desire to do so. Now I just feel like I've let myself down and I have this hanging over me until I go. I am re-booked in for next Wednesday and my only hope is that the hypnotherapy has some effect and helps on Monday, beucase with just under a week to wait, I have a lot of time to think about it and panic about it even if i try not to, It happens subconciously. I dont honestly see how I'm going to be able to do it. Even with Lorazapam in my system today I didnt feel like i was going to be able to. My tummy seems to be in constant knots and I'm finding it very hard to eat or focus on anything including my writing which is my usual outlet and escapism.
Onto the good then. I had taken 3/4 of a lorazapam for going to the dentist and it was already in my system so T suggested we take a walk up to the post office which is about 1/2 mile away. Usually I'd have said no, I've never been there before and its walking so no safe space like going out in the car. But I thought what the hell, its easier than the dentist so we got ready and went out. It was a nice walk and I onyl panicked a little once we stepped out onto the main road where it was busy and just inside the shop but I spoke to Angel and concentrated on her and on the sounds I could hear and the things I could see. Post offices to me have a certain smell as well which wasnt offending which helped. By the time we came back out of the shop, I was calm again.
We walked back home and I told T that i'd recently been thinkning about what it would be like to go on a bus again, as I havnt for about 5 years due to the panic attacks and phobia. He said he believe i could do it and encouraged me to try. So when we got home I grabbed my Zen (music player) and some money and I walked back out to the bus stop. I'd just missed a bus so i sat in the stop for five minutes deciding if i should get in when it comes or not. The vus approached and I decided to give it a go. I was quite nervous to begin with but not full blown panic and I managed to bridge to keep calm, as well as my beloved Tokio Hotel playing in my ears.
I didnt get off until the stop I'd intended to get off at and I checked my phone for the list T had written for me, a little list of tasks to complete. 1, Go to a cash point and check my balance 2, Go to the library and look for a book for him 3, Go to the bakery and get some batches for lunch 4, Get myself something nice from the bakery. These all sound like normal mundane things but these are things I havnt been able to do in a long long time. Not with T with me, let alone without. The bakery one scared me the most with the smell and sight of food usually setting my off panicking but I did it and without panic. I spoke to people, I was polite and friendly and engaged in conversation, I smiled and I acted mostly normal I think (normal for me).
I came home with a bag of batches, a shortbread biscuit each for me and Angel and a bag of books as well as a bank slip to proove i'd been there too. I caught the bus back, which was a lot more busy that the first one, I had to sit at the back of the bus and there were people standing up in front of me, blocking the way off but I focussed on my music and on little things like the breeze comeing in from the window and I got off at the stop I intended too again and not before. I then took a slightly longer route back home from there through the park in the sun and ate some crisps as I walked.
I kept expecting T to be wierd with me about me going out alone and suceeding. My mum used to get angry with me when I succeeded and a part of me was waiting for the anger or the silent treatment, but he said he was proud. Now I just feel a bit iffy with my tummy being upset about dentist stuff and very disbelieving I did what I havnt been able to do for so long and so calmly. I think it was the lorazapam becuase thinking about it now gives me the fear again.
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