Normality

Today I've gained another achievment.

I took Angel out for a walk to the post box, after eating and without any Lorazapam. We walked up there slowly then I let Ari decide which way to go from there, she took us a way we hadnt been before which added an extra ten minutes to the walk. It was fun and I felt normal, just walking around with my daughter. I then took her a little further beucause I was just enjoying being out in the sun, she then needed carrying beucase she got tired and we went home. It's a nice feeling to be unafraid, and I have to say I didnt really think about the need to get home quickly or think about being ill in public. I was just in the moment and In that moment I was okay and I was happy. I couldnt help but think of my mum and how I would love to tell her how I'm doing. Of how I'd love to rub it in her face, last time i got this well I was trying desperately to work at gettng away from her and out of that house. Now I'm doing it for T and Angel and for the first time in my life, myself.

I just remembered that we went back outside before we had lunch and I'd literally only just eaten some food before we went outside. I hadnt even thought of the food inside me when I was walking around and watching Angel play with her pushchair in the sun.

I'm still not sure whether I can get completely better, but if this is the extent of it I will be forever grateful for it. I feel completely free compared to how I have been and its wonderful and a hell of a lot less stress on T. I still keep anticipating a downfall, but im not waiting for it as such, im just enjoying what I can do while I do it. I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I'm thinkning of trying to go food shopping with T and Angel for the first time in a long long time. It scares me but it also excites me to push myself at the moment which is something I havnt experienced before. It's like I want to live, maybe I do again? Maybe I found my spark? Or maybe its just the meds colouring my world and bringing me artificially to life. I'm not sure I mind which it is, as long as my family are happy.