MiXeD

Friday night I ended up worrying about taking the new tablet so much it was gone half past one in the morning and I decided that seeing as one of the main side affects is to ast like a sedative for hours that I might be best not take it that late. T agreed when he 'Finally' came to bed and we went to sleep. I dreamt about my friend who I've grown every close to and to T but it wasnt a bad dream, it was very nice for once.

I was scared and excited about going out Satruday morning, and after an okay night sleep I took half a lorazpam to prepare for the day. I'd thought we would go to the library but we decided on going to a shopping place instead. I took another half lorazapam when that half didnt feel enough then we got ready and went out a lot later than expected. We walked around one shop and I found some new jeans and some new shorts. We had a look round a few other shops where I found nice wools and other bits and bobs and I met my Nanny in the carpark for a chat which was lovely beucase i havnt seen her in ages. I managed to walk away from the car and go into shops a good distance away without having to park right outside and more the car everytime we went in another one. We had lunch and I ate more then when we go home and Angel went for her nap I suddenly turned very tired, so after talking to my friend online for a while I decided to lie down.
An hour later T and Angel stood in the doorway to the bedroom waking me up and I felt so disorientated. They left me to sleep some more and I missed out of so much that I wanted to do. I missed out on writing or knitting time while Angel napped, then her playing outside then the shopping delivery which doesnt sound fun but it always is with Angel beucase she likes helping and carrying for us which is lovely to watch and she gets all excited. It took a good few hours to wake up then I couldnt get my head into writing when I tried and I wasnt at all hungry.

I took all my tablets including my new one and within an hour of taking it felt tired and went to bed. Apparenly I didnt even twitch when T came to bed a while later and I dont remember much so they must be good sedative sideaffects.

Today however... went downhill from the word go. I wanted to wear my new jeans and look nice to get some photos of me and Angel on mothers day. I didnt feel right in them and I got annoyed and felt irritable so put my normal garb on. Then after breakfast - which I made all of beucase T was busy chatting - we were supposed to be going out to my favourite craft shop which i was really really looking forward to despite not having any lorazapam in my system. Unfortintaly just after I got Angels coat on and her shoes etc T noticed that our youngest cat was peeing blood and she needed to go to the vets. So after a battle to get her into the carry box and me getting quite deeply scratched he went off in the car leaving me feeling bereft and very dissapointed. The scratch felt so good and I just watched the blood. Thats when I realised I wanted to hurt myself. I looked after Angel and played with her then put some food under the grill for her lunch aski T's friend to keep an eye on it so it wouldnt burn while I took Angel out for a walk.

I was actually proud of myself, I took Angel a completely differnt way to the way we usually go and we went along a main road which is a big thing for me, i usually like to hide on small hidden roads. We did a big loop and I wasnt panicky once then we came back home to find the food was all burned to a crisp and had to be thrown away and it was already past Angels lunch time so i had to make more food like instantly, no time to cook.
I threw together a chocolate spread sandwhich which i hadnt tried Angel with before but she refused to eat any of it at all. I lost my pateince and I admit I wanted to hurt her, but more than anything I wanted to hurt me for being a failing mum and falling apart and showing myself off for what I really am to T's friend who was watching the whole thing. T came home and I got Angel out of the highchair after she'd still had nothing and left her with him, going into the kitchen and closing the door. I took the first knife I found and sliced my hand so it would look like the cat got me worse then made more on my legs. only 3 in total but for someone who cuts maybe twice a month and only one slash each time if that, it was a lot in one go and I wanted to do more, so much more. I wanted to cut until i was bleeding and id have to go to hospital, and thats saying a lot beucase im terrified of medical places.

I threw myself into cooking for T and his friend, washing up, washing, cleaning the cooker and the surfaces and everything I could find, cleaning out and feeding the rabbit, tidying the surfaces and making bottles and everything else i could think of until my hands hurt and I'd run out of things to go. By that time i was time for Angels sleep and I persuaded T he should take his friend out. I didnt want to be around anyone at all. They went out and I talked to my friend over cam for a while, then Angel who didnt sleep joined in and we had fun but I still can shake the depression.

T's friend has gone home now after buying a few of my bracelets off me. She was lovely and it's not her fault i was the way I was and Im ashamed of how i acted and I want to hurt myself loads.

I'm not sure why but right now I cant stand to be physically near anyone or to talk to anyone and I dont know why. It cant be the meds already? Surely? I'm not entirely sure I care really.

All i know is that this weekend was supposed to go differntly, today was supposed to be my day, mothers day. but i worked my ass off running round after other people and feeling like making myself scream in pain. I want my FFing weekend back, I lost last weekend through recoving from the dentist and I lost this one because I had no choice about his friend staying. When do i get my FFing time off. I dont, why? Beucase I dont deserve it. It confirms my beliefs.


A quick last note here: Last night (Sunday 18th) I relaised I had a rash all over my legs, on my tummy and back and a little on the back of my hand. It had dissapeared by this morning but I didnt end up taking my tablet last night in case it was all related. T wants me to take another tonight to find out but im worried beucase if i feel suicidal tomorrow while Angel is alone with me all day, that would be very very bad.