Waste

Waste - Foster The People

 

"And every day that you want to waste

That you want to waste

You can

And every day that you want to wake up

And you want to wake

You can

And every day that you want to change

That you want to change

Yeah I'll help you see it through

'Cause I just really wanna be with you"

 

 

This is the song that my husband sings to me. It makes me cry just hearing it and I have it playing over and over at the moment. I seem to be gathering a group of songs that either kill me inside when I'm depressed but which also help to pull me back up and give me the inspiration to try, to push for more than I have and more than I am giving.

 

I've been doing a lot of worrying today, worrying about the weekend, T's friend is coming to stay with us and I'm uncomfortable with sharing my personal space especially kitchen and bathroom with someone new. I know she is perfectly nice person, she is so eager to meet me and Angel and she hasnt seen T for about 10 or more years. I feel like I can' say no, T wants her to come so much and who am I to argue? I'm mostly friendless except for the select two that I allow in. I will just have to cope and part of me wants to challenge it, to have her here and go out in the car with her in the back and cope, just do it, be fun and have fun. Come back manic phase!!!

 

The other thing that is pressing on my mind a lot is the upcoming event of T's mums birthday. They are throwing a suprise 60th birthday for her. This would be an issue if they lived near, it would be very hard for me. But they live over 3 hours away from here. So not only would I be expected to go to a difficult party with food that I dont know who's touched or whether its cooked properly but also having to stay at someone's house and picking up goodness knows what while we are there. I can't cope with that right now. Its been a few years since we went to T's families house as that place presses buttons on me. The worst sickness bug i had I got when we were there and we were in a strange place as id only been there once before and I was so ill i couldnt walk or breathe. The next time we went a smiliar thing happened except th illness hit me when we were on the 4 hour travel home. I didnt know whether i was ill or panicking. turned out to be both. That place harbours germs with how many people live there and go in and out of there. I cant cope with that so the only other possible option is a hotel. I really dont think we can afford a hotel. I am not at all comfortable with T taking Angel with him alone as she could pick things up and on my own here for a weekend, i'm not sure what I would do (self-harm and suicide wise) especially knowing they could be bringing something back with them. The last option is for T to go alone leaving me with Angel on my own with the animals and the housework for a weekend. He has offered that if I do that then he will book me into a hotel for a night on my own and I can spend a day the night then the next morning in the hotel alone to write or do what I want. It's a very tempting offer but regardless of whether I think I can cope with Angel alone all weekend after a week of having her while T is at work anyway then the following week. There is still the threat of T coming home with some 'something' and passing it to us which I just cant do. I cant cope with that. He dropped this bombshell on me the day after I had my dentist work done and still hadnt recovered from the drugs and I feel again a lot like it is one battle to the next. When is the reprieve?

 

My mum's words have been in my mind all day today and I'm feeling very easily triggered and upset. I'm still having an eppy about my teeth and I keep poking them and thinking they arent right, its going wrong I'm going to have to go back.

 

I can recognise what I 'should' be doing - I should be enjoying every moment I have with T and with Angel and every happy thing we have. In this moment in time, I'm not at the dentistright now, im free from mum and I have nothing that needs doing, my daughter is happy and I have a whole evening ahead of me to w-do whatever I want to do. Why not just enjoy myself and not worry?

 

I did think with this mentality at least once today. I was finding going out hard but I pushed myself thinking if today was my last day wouldn't I want to know I'd done my best for Angel, pushed myself to my limit for her? So we got our coats on and I forced myself to go to the postbox and let Angel post a letter for T. On the way back Angel wanted to deviate from my original path I'd intended to take and I allowed us to go a longer way round even though it made me panic. I wanted to let her walk further and look at the trees. So I had one win.

 

Hopefully I can rest a little easier tonight, getting all these scary thoughts and fears out in writing.