I woke up feeling a lot less optimistic than I had yesterday and not really feeling like trying to do anything particularly. I took a quarter of lorazapam thinkning i wouldnt need more beucase i wuouldnt be able to go, the lorazapam didnt really feel like it had very much if any effect. I decided I had nothing to lose, I was dosed up on ibroprofen for my tummy (lady time of the month always presses buttons with my PTSD from the birth of Angel and I always feel naturally more anxious and sensitive around this time as well as ill from the pain, so it triggers emetophobia crap too) anyway...I didnt have any real expectations and i was prepared for the likely chance that I'd have to go back out to the car and sit and wait for them to do the shopping alone. I made sure T had everything he needed and understood i might and probably would need to rush out at some point.
I played some music that I find uplifting and inspirational and we got into the car and went, still with my music playing, T doesnt mind and Angel loves the music I like, so she was happily dancing away in her car seat. I travelled fine, nibbled some crisps along the way then we got a good parking space. There was a time that parking that far away from the door would mean i couldnt go in but today it didnt seem all that far. I took Angel inside and we looked at the flowers while T grabbed a trolly beucase it was cold and raining. We then eased me into it, we looked around near the doors, at the clothes briefly then at the veg and fruit section. At that point I didnt think I could go in further but I kept setting myself little tasks, like choosing the meat, grabbing the milk, choosing myself some coffee, further and further into the shop until i was right at the back and running errands on my own isles away from T and Angel. It was hard work, i felt exhauseted by the end of it, but I bridged using the slippery floor and my boots slipping on there and the feeling it made as I took a step. I didnt self harm, i used my elastic bands a little but there were no broken bands or red marks when we came out of the store. I helped at the checkout and when T left me alone at the checkout I was fine for 10 mins alone while I unloaded and started packing, even talking to the people around me.
I literally just realised a moment ago that I usually make sure I have the car keys so i can get in if i need to escape but I didnt have them :S Didn't even think of it until a moment ago.
On the way out of the shop, i decided that seeing as I'd done so well, I'd get myself a bunch of roses, theyre my favourite flowers and I'd been dreaming of them all night for some reason. There was a lot of shopping so i went to the car to unpack it all while T went with Angel to get the roses for me.
When we got back home my sister text me to tell her her and our dad were coming over to visit. I was actually excited about it, not at all nervous decpite drinking a whole mug of coffee and eaten food. We had a lovely time and I told my dad about getting my first book published. He actually looked proud, which was one of the few times I've ever seen that expression on his faced, aimed at me. We all played outside with Angel and still 0 panic. Even when T was videoing us which usually sets off panic.
So today, overall has been a lovely day, depite how hard it was at times and how much pain i was in sometimes too.
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As is the way, after all that positivity tonight I'm sitting thinkning about the dentist again, Im so annoyed i have this hanging over me all the time. I just want to get it out of the way but after the near miss on Thursday I'm even more terrified and even less ready now. The scary thing is I really don't want to die, but I know I will if i dont feel i can cope with it when the time comes. I only have two choices and right now i dont think I can do it. I cant go through with the work, but my teeth are hurting more and reminding me they need doing and even now in the safetly of my house wrapped in a nice warm blanket, my tummy is churning at the thought of it. Maybe that is why im living to the full, If i dont intend to be here any more why not, maybe i am living like its the last chance I'll get. Maybe it is.
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