After a rough night with barely any sleep then awake at 5 with Angel I should be feeling more tired than I am but instead I'm feeling betrayed and confused as more memories of my mum decided to creep up on me in the night in my nightmares and then into consciousness.
Mums words to me on a regular basis when I was self-harming and suicidal when I lived in my parents home. Age 11-16.
"If your going to kill yourself then hurry up and do it. So we can all go to your funeral and get it out of the way. Were all stuck in limbo waiting for you to die. Just hurry up and get it over with so we can get on with our lives."
I'm not entirely sure how I survived living in that house with her. Or how I could have thought those kind of things were normal but I didn't know anything else. And part of me still wonders If I make it all up, but surely that wouldn't have the same triggering effects. I think my mum feelings and memiries are surfacing with the coming mothers day. It will be the first one I havnt 'had' to do something for her. And it presses my buttons being a mummy and thinking I could turn into her with Angel. Sometimes I remind myself of her and it sickens me.
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