This morning I woke up feeling no less depressed than I was yesterday. I got up, reluctantly and took my aconite then got dressed and found I was very hungry. I ate a good breakfast for me then a few hours and some housework later the hypnotherapist G arrived at our house. Just before she'd gotten here I'd perked up a little, probably because I'd been keeping busy and distracted then we'd put on some music and Angel had insisted I dance with her which is always lovely. Oh yes and the sun had come out which always lifts me somewhat.
I'd never met G before but she reminded me of a friend and I felt mostly at ease with her right away. We talked about my mum and my phobias and how my main focus of getting better right now is to get over getting to the dentist and getting the work I need done, done. T then took Angel out and G taught me a breathing techique which I hadn't done before. I forced myself to relax and breathe and then she said as I was responding so well to that we would try a quick session with me laying down. So she got my laying on the sofa and put some blankets over me, I thought I'd be too warm but I love blankets and it was nice, If a little wierd, It feels odd to be looked after and it felt like that was what she was doing.
She got me going on the breathing again and told me to close my eyes. She then talked about the breathing and breathing out bad and breathing in good. Then she counted down from ten and I felt my body going im not sure what, almost like insubstantial or non-existtant. I could still feel it but not. It was a very wierd state of mind and I was taken to a place that was safe and familiar to me as a child and still is now. My ultimate safe place where I don't panic and feel comepletely safe and at ease. (this is a forest that my family own). In this place G continued to talk and I half listened while I met a deer, stroked her and then lay down in the clearing with her beside me. I felt relaxed there, but there was also a large part of me fighting it like mad, wearing me out and even trying to self harm by digging my nails in throughout. I kept thinkning in my working mind I need to stop this, i need to get out while my relaxed mind was saying no, im safe, I can stop anytime, im okay. It felt like only a few moments and then she was counting back up to ten, I opened my eyes almost without telling myself to and realised I'd been in that state for about forty minutes. G said I responded very well and I'm a beautiful person.
I felt very spaced out all afternoon untill I drank a huge cup of coffee then I felt the depression coming back and I text T to ask him to come home beucase I was getting the major self-harm urges agian. By the time Angel woke up from her sleep, texting a friend had helped and knowing T was back in the house with us. I forced myself to have a shower, tie my hair up and get on with the housework and jobs that needed doing. Then once Angel had gone to bed I put my mind to making a mothers day card for my monther-in-law which was a nice change.
Right now I'm battling again with the almost nauseating feeling of fear and dread and overwhelming hopelessness of not having more than two choices about the dentist. I'm still swaying towards suicide rather than the work. I'm thinking of dosing up on lorazapam tomorrow just to get through the day and hopefully keep myself calm enough that I dont talk myself out of going on Wednesday, if i havnt already that is. Part of my mind doesnt believe I will get to the end of this week. I can feel myself shutting off from things, finishing projects and finalizing things and distancing myself from my family. If this gets much worse I may need to involve the crisis team which I'd rather not do.
I'm just so scared.
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