Things that change and things that stay the same.

My life at the moment has changes, not only am I changing but there are events waiting just around the corner. The main one being that we have now reached the 3 month mark from T being confirmed at work meaning we can now get a mortgage. We have been looking at houses online and today drove around looking at the ones we short listed from the outside. One had a teeeeenie garden and windows falling apart. One we didn't like the area it was in and another needed a lot of work done just to the outside. We have one left. The area looks great, the house looks great from the outside, garden not huge but big enough and the house has everything were looking for in a house. It ticks all the boxes and from the outside there's no change in that. Tomorrow the estate agents are calling me and we are going to arrange a visit. It's a very exciting.

Another change or rather a progression is that my first book is ready for paper publishing. The format needs tweaking but then it's ready to go. Then I will have the second and third to do then the first book from another series. I have the one I've been writing along with the second zombie one and now I have a third in the series of the zombie books or a stand alone but whichever it has different characters and probably some of my kind of comedy in it. 

I'm trying to think of all the positives right now especially as I'm struggling tonight. 8 years ago I was the Illest I have ever been emetophobically and every year I have stayed away from the place it happened. This year I'm here. Today I have been places I went back then, touched things i touched then and walked the same floors. During the day I can smile, hold back the fears but right now with T asleep, Angel asleep and me sitting up awake with a steadily worsening sore throat and flashbacks it isn't so easy. 

I went out today to top off the phobia ass kicking. I went to a supermarket and had a look round the clothing sale and I was okay. I had aconite in my system but no loraz! That's a huge achievement but I can't say I know how I'm doing it or how long it will last.

Tomorrow it could all crumble and fall apart. 

Not how this week was supposed to start

This week Is starting wrongly, not at all how I imagined at all. I was supposed to get up tomorrow and drive my angel I playgroup then do some shopping in town then pick her up and bring her home. 

This is how tomorrow is going to go in reality. I have to take Angel to her grandparents to take her to playgroup while I try to get some work done at home. She then gets brought back most likely very late and then we stay stuck in doing housework. 

I failed. 

I spent all week preparing myself only to go and fail. I got up Friday morning too calm. We dropped Angel off over at the main house with her grandparents then T drive us the 45 min drive. I was okay. A little anxious but 'normal' feelings. 

Got there and met my instructor and he got me to do some driving. After nearly an hour I was beginning to get tired and was losing concentration. We finally stopped but not before my blood sugar was low. I managed to get time to eat a few crisps then I met my examiner and the test started. Anxiety- 0, panic - 0 confidence - 100. I truly was calm calmer than I've ever been in a tense test situation. I drove and I manoeuvred and I truly believed I would pass. No I knew I would. I was so focussed on it, on how well I was doing that I started to forget what I had to do. I left my indicator on way too long and confused other drivers not once but over 4 times. Major fail. I also messed up my positioning on a busy roundabout. 

I go to the end I the test and despite all of that was sure id passed. He told me right off id failed and it was like a kick in the face. I was mortified, ashamed, I still am. 

Yes I was tired from all the driving beforehand and my blood sugar was low but I also was overconfident. I am disgusted and disappointed. Not that I failed but with my stupidity. As If magically I would pass just through belief and positive thinking. 

So many people knew I was doing the test and I had to announce to them all that I'd failed. 

When I rebook my test I won't be telling anyone. Because then when I fail I won't have to feel so ashamed. 

Can't seem to keep up

I can't seem to keep up with my blog anymore. I tried starting a new one but that didn't help. 

I am in a new world most of the time. A world I don't recognise but am extremely grateful to be in. I am achieving things I never thought I would achieve in my life. Passing my theory test being one of them. Travelling for nearly an hour to go shopping in a massive town centre and even doing the driving myself. Eating meals out and not rushing home to hide but staying out afterwards and continuing which what I'm doing. 

I'd be lying if I said that I don't get panic attacks anymore; I do, I get anxious and depressed and panicked like I used to. I for now seem to bounce back quicker perhaps. I honestly don't think it can last but that doesn't matter, the thing that matters is that I am enjoying it, every moment, every day. It is freedom compared to where I used to be. I will never be 'normal' but this is the closest thing for me and it's indescribable. 

I'm not any less afraid of either of my phobias and that does catch up with me often, I think I just run quicker away again even though they never leave the back if my mind. You can't outrun yourself. 

Friday I have my driving test, I know I'm pinning a lot of hope on that, hope that is just about managing to keep me going through the anxiety and PTSD of this time of the year, especially when we are in the very place the huge big bad happened 8 years ago. It is a long time but every memory is fresh in my mind. 

I don't feel ready for the test, I did a few weeks ago. I really do believe I will fail. With the theory I knew I had a fair chance of passing because I'd worked so hard to practise and revise but I'm very hasty practically and I want to so much which means I won't get it and I can't say I will be inclined to try again. I know I will fall into a depression.  I know I will crumple. Maybe I even think it's about time I felt that way, I deserve it. I keep considering just cancelling. Not going through the stress of it. 

A long way to go to fail.

Today I have my theory test, I have to travel 45 mins to get to the test centre and I'm not aloud to have a drink or anything in with me. 

I am up early and mostly been pretty calm for me for the last hour but now the panic is starting to hit me. 

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm not afraid of the test just the test conditions and the distance to get there. My husband will be with me but even he can't take away the fear of being ill, he can only try to distract and soothe me. 

We have to leave in a moment and take our angel over to her nanny. :( my tummy is feeling so wibbly :( 

More up and down than a rampant yoyo (triggering)

Dentist stuff is still very much up in the air to start with. 

Tuesday me and my husband went on our first ever date since before Angel was  born leaving Angel with his mum who was great. 

I got very upset and to top it feel poorly from travel on the way and more panicky than I've been in a long time. 

It took a long while to calm down when we arrived at the car park and I ended up on an anti dizzy, half a loraz and the max dose of aconite 2 hourly. Yes it is a hell of a lot better than how much I'd have taken if it had been a year ago but it was one of the worst panics in ages. 

I finished settling on the walk to the place where the gig was being held and further calming when we had to wait outside for a while in the cool but not cold air. 

Inside it was okay, freedom to walk around, a bar and biggish room for the actual gig, toilets right next to it and a smoking area. It was nice and although we had to wait for a few hours before our band came on it was soo worth it when they did. The lead singer was gorgeous, I felt like he kept looking at me, I didn't give a poo about everyone else watching me dancing or hearing me sing. I just let go and did it and in 3-4 inch heels!!  I remember a girl at a gig we went to years back now who did the exact same thing, how unbothered she was and how is watched in awe wishing I could do the, feel that free. And I did, I wasn't completely lacking conciousness but if wasn't bad or crippling for once. 

It was very much a night of major negative followed by major positive.  

Angel has been off playgroup most of the week, thankfully a poorly I can cope with. 

I cleaned so much today the bedroom is spotless and hall and food all cooked etc. Just no time to write or work which if course gets me down. Angel hasn't been sleeping much and was very disturbed last night so I got no writing done then and despite T saying he would get out of the bath at 7.10 he didn't get out until about 9 by which time was too late for me to do any thing. 

He came home from work today to tell me his shifts are changing again and he's working longer and more hours I hate. Pissed off doesn't cover it. 

Then he goes outside to help his dad in the only time he gets with Angel and promised Her he would be back in time to read her stories and out her to bed... Still not back and she's been in bed half an hour. 

I'm pissed off and feeling restrained and desperate. I've already lost my temper and punched the wall. My littlr finger and knuckles are too painful to move now but the pain is good. I am looking forward to alone time and a blade. 

I won't bother anyone with my shit, my best friend has just gotten engaged and doesn't need my negatives, my other friend gets married 2 weeks today and the onl my other friend I had is happily with his partner and I don't exist. 

A new start, an old problem.

Yesterday was the day of the dentist. I prepared the day before, keeping myself busy, enjoying time with Angel and taking regular aconite to stay calm and not let my fears get out of hand. Once Angel was in bed I curled up beside T to watch a series we like and did some knitting so my mind had absolutely no excuse to go wondering. Before bed I got my bag ready then played a few mindless games on my phone as I drifted off. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared but I had it under control. 

I woke up groggy after nightmares about the dentist then got up and dressed keeping my food extremely safe, even avoiding coffee. I had intended to take 1 loraz but I went for half, knowing I could take the other half if I needed to. 

It had helped to keep me calm by he reminding myself it was just one little filling that needed replacing. 

We got there and i wasn't beside myself with panic. We got out of the car and went into the surgery early. I was called within 5 minutes and in I went feeling fairly positive. 

I was doing it and in no more than an hour I'd be out of the surgery, all better and fine and able to concentrate on my life once more. 

I lay in the chair and the dentist poked about in my mouth then she sat me back up to tell me I have 3 loose fillings that she wants to pull out and replace. That I'd have to fond back and if they couldn't do it without needles then I might have to be referred to somewhere to be sedated. 

Despite T asking she wouldn't consider trying to do any of it there and then and I left the surgery in tears telling the receptionist id rather die than go have it done in another 2 weeks! Knowing that it won't work anyway.! I told her id rather die. She was useless. 

I came home numb, still doped up but so incredibly low it hurt to breathe. I closed all the curtains and just hid all day. T's mum has offered to have Angel but was too preoccupied with a stupid cake to give her the attention and love she needed when she was worried about her mummy and feeling poorly and daddy had to go to work. She came back over to me and we had a hiding day where I kept losing consciousness. 

The next step is to find a dentist that offers everything I need. This one is bull shit. So it all hangs in the balance and months of reteaching go undone because my life can't go forward with this shit hanging Over me, holding me back and trying to pull me down. 

Facing it - emetophobically triggering but not actually talking about it.

I think I'm ill ill. I feel it, it's been building for hours and I've been a little off for the last few days. I feel panicky, how wouldn't i if I feel ill? But I feel ill too even as I'm sipping drink it isn't sitting right. I have to keep scratching my nails down my arms, I don't know, in a form or contr or something. My rings have come off and I'm about to go change so if it does happen these clothes aren't cursed. 

I'm changed now and debating whether to take an antiemetic. I had a look for them but my husband has tidied them away somewhere. Walking made me feel worse. I'm incredibly dizzy so I'm now wondering if it's that. :/ 

My husband has given me something for my dizziness and I've managed a small biscuit. I'm very very dizzy. 

My husband offered to stay away from me, knowing that when I'm usually feeling panicky and especially unwell I always always hide even from him. Although I would hate for him to see me get 'poorly' I feel like I want cuddles. It sounds so small to put it like that but even on a low panic which used to be constantly, I couldn't have even him near me, not even in the same house if I could help it. Maybe I'm finally understanding that he will love me no matter what. 

The other thing is that in the 'olden days' I'd have fought if and rebelled but this time I just let myself feel what I felt, accepted it and put things in place in case. The same as a normal person might do I guess; getting dressed into more comfortable clothes, having a drink to sip. 

I'm going to sit and try and watch something now in the hope that I will feel better but if not, as scary as it is and it sounds, I know I can cope. 

Major positives and fears

I've had a great weekend, me, Angel and T have and I only wish time could go on that way. Tomorrow is back to work with T although he's on earlies and back to playgroup with Angel. 

A week Tuesday I have the dentist after thanks to T putting work first I had to move my appointment. I feel ill with worry, I'm terrified.

I went swimming today and ate out, shopping yesterday and all on no meds. It's shocking and yet I'm still so terrified of the dentist. Then there's the two concerts we booked. I'm scared of those too, the first is in only a few weeks. I was excited but now I'm scared :( 

Chilly blues

Again my emotions are boiling over and the depression is taking hold. All I've heard about in the last week and a half is people getting tummy ill. With angel going back to playgroup and T doing more lates again I've been skipping my manic phase and instead either been low or immensely low. 

I feel so alone even though I've been closer to my husband in the last few weeks that I've been in ages despite everything going on in reality and mentally. 

I've stopped eating so much, I'm too scared to eat too much in one go and have dialled 3 means and 4 snacks into 2 meals at most and maybe 2 snacks. My meal sizes have shrunk and My body is feeling it, my blood sugar has been suffering for it but I just can't stop. It's going to lower my immune system and mean I get ill but I just can't eat. I can't be in the place where the flashbacks take place, here, over at the main house. The flashbacks and nightmares are so vivid that it's hard to differentiate at times and Im almost always flashing back to one memory or another causing panic attacks. I want to hurt myself but I feel too depressed to find the time alone to do it, when I do though it will be good. 

My head hurts, I'm so tired and hurting so much inside. 

Explosive

Tonight my temper is feeling explosive. It's aimed at nothing except myself. I'm angry and upset and frustrated and it's all stupid me. 

Yesterday was a great day, we travelled for 45 mid to get to a new set of shops, I looked around, ate and then we went food shopping at a completely different supermarket on the wag out if town. I did it all on no meds, only some aconite and no panics only i felt a little iffy on the way home.

It was like a day off from my shitty mood.  I knew I was on a low because I had no real desire to spend money but I was out and being normal. 

Thursday Angel was back at playgroup and T was on lates. Then when he did get home at half 6 he had to go back out at quarter past 7 to his group. Usually it's fine but Angel woke up screaming. I instantly thought she was going to be ill and I was too scared to touch her or hold her in case. In the end I cuddled her and she peed on me in fright still stuck in her nightmare. T came straight home but it had rocked me from the precarious wall I was balancing on. I got through Friday because I knew the weekend was coming but now it's over. I've spent all day doing what I always do- clean and tidy and cook. T has helped with angel care by playing with her.  She has playgroup again tomorrow, more germs. I was supposed to be going to the dentist, it was booked weeks in advance but T has now told me he can't take me when he said he would. So it's either go alone, walk all the way there and back as well as cope or leave it and have my teeth get worse.

To say I'm scared is an understatement. My stomach is churning and I'm so angry I just want to make myself bleed. But what's the point? Unless I aim to end it it Won't change even a moment. 

I hate myself. 

Out of the blue

I didn't realise how much I needed to blog until one of my husbands friends said hi to me on Facebook and I unloaded my crap all over him.
Today was the last day of the summer holiday and I really wanted it to be a good day for me and Angel because I knew that won't be getting a whole day lone until the next holiday and then she will be in the swing of playgroup so it will most likely be hell to try and entertain her.
It went from bad to worse and Angel was in a rotten, argumentative, challenging mood. I tried to keep my cool but there was a moment or two when I wanted to hit her, hard. I wanted to shut her up because she was screaming in my face and shouting at me and disobeying. She screamed so lod in my face once that I put my hand over her mouth to stop her, it hurt, not just my ears but everything inside. I just wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. I only put my hand over her mouth for a second or two, it shocked her out of the scream and I walked away until she stopped. I didn't hit her or touch her apart from that but I was so forlorn, so lost for what to do with her. She's been hard work all day and i am more than drained, but I had to get some work done because evening is the only time I get to do that.

She had another screaming fit when her daddy came home and she was supposed to be going to sleep, her temper is worse than mine at times. I charged through the house, past my husband who looked terrified of what I was about to do. I didn't know what I was going to do. I got to her bed and I picked her up, she thrashed and screamed and I simply sat her on our bed and told her we needed a talk. My husband stayed outside the room while I calmly but firmly explained to Angel that I don't like screaming in my house, nor shouting and uncontrolled temper. I calmly told her how sad she'd made me and how if she screamed in my house again she would be made to stand outside on her own in the cold until she stopped (not that it is cold, its boiling). She said she understood, went for a last pee and we tucked her in and she went to sleep.

I'm tired, dizzy and emotionally fucked up.

Angel is back at playgroup tomorrow and I'm more than dreading it, back to all those germs, those kids, those people. Germs everywhere especially with the autumn and winter coming. She's not had 'germs' since she's been off because I have been in control and kept her safe from them but when she's there I can't, when she's there she's open to them and there is nothing I can do about it and I can't deal with ill. I can't do it.

Tonight is a night for crying and worrying and panicking and self hatred.

Dark is coming.

Tonight I'm really struggling, I can't focus on anything I usually can and I'm feeling anxious almost constantly. One minute I seem to be hungry, the next I'm on the verge of panic and feeling bloated despite only having had a biscuit. 

I can feel the pressure of the darker nights and the colder weather coming. I can feel autumn and the winter following close behind and what that means for me, the illnesses, the 'celebrations' and the PTSD that comes with it. The memories and fears and I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it.

It's been warm here today according to everyone else but I've been cold, inside and out. 

My depressive phase is coming down on me again and I just feel that in this moment in time, this night that I can't cope. 

I've had aconite with no effect and I don't want to take loraz if i can help it. I've barely had any for weeks and It's the best I've done since I was first prescribed it. 

My nights are constantly filled with nightmares and I'm scared. The dark is truly coming and there is nothing I can do to escape it. 

Hmpf

The title sums up how I feel right now. 

I'm tired, working hard, maybe too hard, messed up my eating habits, worn down from people around me and I just want some time to write and lose myself in the land of my making where I like the people and they like me and I have friends. 

Reminders

Today I've spent all day looking after my Angel and the house and animals. I've also done a lot of cooking. It got to the point where I was so physically exhausted my legs wouldn't hold me up anymore and my blood sugar dropped as did my mood. Thank fully that wasn't until just after T came came from work. He made me sit down for 5 mins then I carried on. When I finally did sit down to relax at half 7 a nasty panic attack started, it was horrible and I thought it was illness and not panic. I sat on the sofa while T and his sister sat at the computer talking and I just looked at random things on my phone and listened to my sisters vlog. It was a bad enough panic that I've ended up without my watch and all but my engagement and wedding rings on.

As the panic started to ebb away I just felt and still feel drained but the memories of how hard panic attacks used to hit me came, how I'd be covered in scratches and completely jewellery-less. It was hard enough to focus on anything during it tonight but these things used to affect me worse, I'd have to hide away not just sit quietly in the same room as others. They used to last for hours, sometimes days and I couldn't help but cry, for that poor girl. It's the second night in a row where I've been reminded of things past and it's made me emotional, devastated for that child, that person who was in so much pain. 

I've started writing another book, this one isn't a romance, horror or lgbt novel, this is the story of my life. Even if it doesn't feel like I'm that same person, she deserves to have her story told and the girl is talking to me. 

Crisis

Yet again I'm at a crisis point and yet again I'm returning to write my blog. 

I've had a low bout of depression only a few weeks ago and now I'm at the sand point but for slightly different reasons. 

One of my teeth have really started hurting, the tooth is root filled and has had to be rebuilt. Being root filled it shouldn't hurt so it's most likely the gum. It's hurts a lot though, even to drink my coffee or have a smoke. Tied in with part of it chipping off last week, I'm feeling very on edge. Last night I discovered another tooth where it's eroded and the filling is almost non existent. I temporarily filled it but it is already breaking down. I know I'm going to have to have a dentist trip, I know I'm going to have to have work done very soon. I just want it to go away, I was struggling enough before this shit, with it I just can't see any colour, everything is dull and grey and dark. My sister in law is going away tonight, my other sister in law is working then going on holiday, T is on lates and angel has no playgroup. 

My sister and my dad came up yesterday to stop but only for last night and the strength it took to pretend I was okay was hard but the way I crumbled when they left was harder. 

Alone 

Stupid and shameful

I'm feeling jealousy over my sisters brilliant driving lessons, she can already so much, she's already learned so much. She is fine at changing gears and has been on a dual carriageway and it's only been 3 lessons. 

I'm a fucking stupid thick piece of shit. I'm 24 and can't drive. I can't even get my head around learning to change gears, i know how to but it's too much to think about. 

Everyday Angel asks me if I learned to drive yet. My response is always 'not yet Angel'. 

My baby sister will have learned to drive, my best friend learned over a year ago and here I am to scared to even try. 

Weak, disgusting, pathetic, shameful piece of shit. 

I wanted to have learned for the summer holiday but it's just a joke. I won't learn. 

Nothing

I don't know what to do. 

The holiday we had was one of the best weeks of my life if not the best. 

I know I booked it as a form of escapism, knowing that T would be with us 24/7 throughout the whole thing which would mean if there was illness and there was a bit; T would take the brunt of it. 

I was dreading Monday when he went back to work and although shaky and scared I managed it. Yesterday we spent most of the afternoon outside playing and then today started well. Angel was at playgroup and I was helping my brother in law, and sister in law put up our tents and set up camp. We were going to start our weekend early and go out to call tonight. It was all going well, I was happy, Angel was happy. 

Then she started coughing and was sick. Minus the coughing once it started the experience felt like it went on for a long time. My sister in law and dad in law were there helping and I did well for Angel. 

Then I fell and I haven't spoken much since. I just don't have the energy to bother talking or doing much other than being curled in a ball. 

I was waiting for it to happen but even I didn't expect it to be this soon. I don't know what we've done wrong, this phobia is trying to kill me and I wish it would just succeed. I've had enough if trying, of getting last an experience to have yet another. 

I've through of many ways to end it and stopped no one that I haven't really given much consideration to before. I know I have what I need here, there's a garage full of things, I will have my pick. 

I've thought about packing my bags and waking away. Just going off the radar for a while but what will that achieve in the long run? Nothing. 

I can't do this any more. 

Tired

I'm so angry with myself, I'm really writing this right now so that I don't go and hurt myself to punish myself. I don't know why I'm bothering.
I just can't keep up with all of this, I thought a holiday would help but it only gave me a vacation from myself.

I shouldn't be complaining, I'm doing everything I said I wanted to do. I wanted to open a shop and run it, well I am and I'm getting orders nearly every day, but I'm so stupid I get stressed and mess it all up so I end up going through twice the amount of materials and then the work isn't as good as it should be. It also takes a long time to make things, photograph them right and advertise them as well as maintaining the shop and everything else, easy peasy for a single person with no commitments. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

I said I wanted to be an author, well I am, but I can't keep up with the writing, I don't get time just to get into it and lose myself, I've barely written a chapter in weeks and it's clunky and not flowing how it should be, it isn't the ideas, those are there in spades, it's the time and the headspace.

I wanted to be a mum, well here I am, I try my hardest even though I hate how she behaves like her stupid cousin, and I'm terrified constantly of her getting ill. My hardest isn't good enough, that's the problem everything.

I enjoy cooking, I get to cook almost every night and every lunch time, sometimes just for me and Angel, sometimes for me, Angel and T and other times for a lot more people. I struggle to get everything cooked to the best of my ability and on time just lately.

I wanted to be a housewife, I am, but today I haven't even finished my jobs list. I have things backed up and everyday brings new jobs that need doing on top of those I've been too lazy to do.

I wanted animals, I have plenty of those, but cleaning them out and feeding them etc all falls to me and I don't seem to spend as much time with them as I would like, slow, lazy.

Excuses excuses, these things should be done and done well if not nearly perfect but at the moment, I am constantly hyped up with everything going on in my mind but I just can't seem to keep up with it. I just wish I could run away and stay in a hotel alone for a week, just leave everything behind and have a proper holiday. I can't though because of these responsibilities fall to me and without me everything crumbles. Great now I;m getting big headed too.

I just want to cry, I can't believe it's already 9 and I've spent my whole evening ruining one letter set after another, I've only just taken my first lot of tablets and I've had no chance to sit down and text my sister.

I will go to bed but barely sleep, too busy in my mind with all of the things that need doing, then I will get up and another day will start, ready for me to wreck it and waste it. Maybe I should stop the writing, maybe I should close my shop, after all being a mum, pet owner, wife and housekeeper should come first and I quite honestly don't have time for it all.

A crash back to life *Triggering emeto words used*

Since we got home there have been some rotten experiences such as Angel's demons cousins influencing her and manipulating her to lie. Her behavior has changed as soon as she'd been with them and we just can't wait for them to hurry up and leave, they are making our lives stressful and hard and horrible. It is so unfair on Angel because she looks up to them and wants to do anything they tell her to, but their behaviors rubs off on her so easy and then she ends up getting told off and we all get upset. I hate having this kind of relationship with my Angel, I just want my Angel back.

I was feeling extremely low yesterday as I put all of our packing away, I knew that I had had it better than I ever have before and better than I ever will again. I won't be that person again and I will miss her. I hate this stupid person that I am, I hate that I'm scared constantly, I want to run away and hide from my own daughter, what a fucking shitty mother, and why? because I'm scared she will be sick. It's like a good friend said to me once.. 'Get over it, it's only sick!' she's right but nope, I feel like I'm too weak, too stupid to break this pattern.

We sat outside yesterday evening to see the summer solstice in and I got to spend hours with T, my dog and some family members I care about.
My sister-in-law had been planning a camping trip to have in the field next weekend, just us and our kids and it sounded brilliant, well in the aftermath of the holiday it did but now I'm just small and scared.

T and Angel went shopping this morning and I spent the time answering fans and working on my shop then I had lunch then we went out and yes, I went out after having lunch which is a win but I panicked quite a bit to begin with and wasn't sure if I could do it. I know I had fears on holiday too but I wasn't nearly as panicky. What will it come down to? Will we have to move again and have a new start just so I can continue on this journey of healing? I'm not worth that and I won't ever be.

I have one more day of T support then it is back to the usual, housework, lunches, cooking and fear. Making myself do everything I can so that I can distract my mind from the immense fear.

I just don't 'want' to carry on this way. I don't want to be afraid but I am and I always will.

I'm angry and hurt and it all feels hopeless and empty.

Lost

We're home, we got up early and finished packing up then travelled home after feeding and saying goodbye to all the ducks. 

The drive wasn't great but we all survived it and thankfully it wasn't incredibly long. 

Our dog was all over us when we got back, could clearly tell he'd missed us. 

The animals are all clean and we looked after but unfortunately with the rush I'd been in last Friday morning I hadn't hoovered or sorted the dishwasher so we had lots of jobs to come home to as well as all the unpacking. We're both tired and snappy and Angel is feeling a bit poorly too with her cough and cold. :/ 

Coming back here I don't feel any happiness about it, I just feel what ever. This doesn't feel like home, nowhere feels like home. I'm not sure if its my mood dropping or what but I'm back here and there's nothing, no emotion only 'meh'. There must be something wrong with me, it's the same feeling of not belonging that is what's stopping me from being able to write, or find a place that is a safe, comfy space. 

A week in someone else's shoes

*** warning - disgustingly positive content*** 

I don't know where the 'new me' is coming from but I took Saturday and the triggering events and clawed my way back from it so that Sunday morning I was already back to alright. Not 100% because when am I ever but I was okay and we decided to go swimming in the morning and I had some breakfast, my usual coffee and biscuits (yep crammed full of calories) and took no meds except at usual morning dose of aconite. Swimming is I ally a huge huge scary for me but I got in there, got changed and got angel changed and then got in. Simple as that, no worrying or procrastinating, more than a normal person would but for me, it doesn't count. It was the first time I think in ever that I've been swimming and not had a single panic attack. I was okay, just okay. 

We had some lunch after we came out then we went over to the arcades in the afternoon and angel ended up having a nap so off I went on my own in my teenie royal blue mini shorts, white ballet shoes and stroppy vest and I spent hours just playing on the 2p machines. Despite having had lunch etc I was 'normal'.  Angel and T joined me when angel woke up and we played some more before going for a meal at a nice cafe. I ate not just well but very well and then despite being full, properly full we went for a walk around the funfair, not to go on anything, I'm terrified of all rides and not just emetophobically, I just hate them generally. They are places that cause panic attacks but they stayed away and angel got to look round and we brought some candy letters. I was by this point wearing my bright red thigh length coat over my earlier clothes and it looked suspiciously like I was wearing nothing under my blood red coat, couldn't stop giggling. 

Monday everything turned a little pear shaped, we went out to the sealife centre in the morning and those places scare me, it's one way in and out and no places to hide really. I took half a loraz.. I think, can't remember so well now. We brought our tickets and went in and I felt quite calm once past the coach loads of school children on their school trips. It was very busy because of all the trips and children but I managed to keep calm enough to enjoy myself and Angel and T enjoyed theirselves too.

The way home wasn't nice though, angel and T were both in bad moods and my mood was dropping too. They pair of them peed me off to the point of me asking for the car to be stopped and for them to calm down then we set off again but angel was still moody and daddy obsessed so I got out the car and walked back to the caravan where they had both calmed down and were in much better moods, I however was stuck I'm that frame of mind until I managed to shake it off and eat something for a late lunch. Then I decided we would go out to the lavender farm to have a look around the shops, after feeling poo in the car earlier, I'm not sure where the confidence to get straight back in again came from. :/  The weather was nice still when we got back so we spent the last hours of the afternoon outside playing with Angels new pink spiky ball. It was a juvenile game of kicking and throwing the ball but we all had great fun and it was nice just to be able to do something simple that we all could get involved in. 

Tuesday we went to the beach in the morning and like with everything else I used to barely set foot on the sand before I would panic, but I didn't. I sat down playing in the sand, I went to the edge of the sea, I picked up stones and shells and just watched Angel and T playing. It was lovely and I was reluctant to come back for lunch but my hunger got the better of me. 

The afternoon was hot and very humid, we were going to go out but decided to just sit in the sun. We got too got very quickly though and angel asked for her water pistol, well it went wetter from that point. I squirted T so he got me back right up my skirt! So I sneaked inside and filled a cup with cold water and snuck back out and threw it over him teehee. He squealed like a girl! This then erupted into a huge running chase game of a water fight lasting ages and ending in all three of us soaked through and shivering. I haven't laughed that much in ages. 

The night wasn't so good, I started feeling a bit 'ill' and it got worse and worse until by the end of the night I was as T calls it 'episodic'. I was having a lot of trouble distinguishing what was real from what wasn't, I was confused about where we were and couldn't even picture home. I was convinced I was going to die so I got Angel in our bed and snuggled down with both her and T and went to sleep safe in the knowledge that if I never woke up again I had the best possible few days before and had fallen asleep in the best possible place. 

I woke up on Wednesday morning, as you might have guessed. Sounds silly now but at the time it was terrifying and the feeling of doom is still very fresh and painful. Wednesday it's self started scary, we'd planned to go to a big indoor soft play area for Angel and T's mum and dad were going to meet us there after lunch for the afternoon. I was finding it hard to get out, convinced that my feelings from the night before we're returning and that id get 'ill'. I took an anti dizzy tablet and half a loraz and bit the bullet and went. The place was jam packed and we struggled to find any space to put our bag and shoes. T took Angel off to meet Peppa pig and then into the huge play area. I sat sipping cold water, panicking and trying to calm down. I did it, I calmed myself enough to be able to take over with Angel when T had to nip back to the caravan to get Angel a spare pair of clothes. I coped on my own in a massive warehouse sized place in a maze of an indoor adventure playground which was 5 stories high, with my daughter, on my own and with hundreds of kids everywhere. Looking back now I'm astounded but more scary, I think I could do it again. I even got chatting to a few other mums there which was nice.

 The next feat of the day was ordering me and Angel some food and ordering T's which I had to have made up for him specially. I didn't just order if though... I are it and I ate well, very well. Then shockingly went back on the play area.  

T's mum and dad then arrived and we went round the shops before coming back to the caravan and getting changed to walk down to the beach and then for a meal in a resteraunt. 

It was all very nice, I pushed my boundaries by wearing a skirt and 3 inch heels, down to the beach too ( I know I'm mad) but I enjoyed the change instead of being scared by it. And I are the meal, very well, it's the best I've ever done eating out and it was with his parents too. 

Today is Thursday and we took a ride up to the shops 15 mins away. I again was on edge and worried about my tummy but I got out of the car and faced it head on. I managed to get everything I was looking for for presents then we drove to the arcades to park up and walk down to the beach where we had a picnic, my first ever on the beach and no panic. We then played in the sand then went to the arcades before coming home and getting ready to go swimming. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record now but I was okay, a but nervous but no more than that. I got in and got on with the fun. 

I've been packing most of the night, ready to leave tomorrow and go back home. I'm looking forward to seeing Dyson but not to seeing some of the family that have been causing problems, I'm dreading going back to things being broken or something :(. For now though I'm going to hold onto the fact that this holiday although its had its ups and low downs has been lovely and I've done better than I expected. 

Tomorrow might mean no more confidence, no more normal but at least I know I've had this. 

I was even confident enough to take control in the bedroom tonight, again a first. 

I don't recognise who I am right now, I am the person I told T I would never have a hope of becoming and I don't hate her. I just want to get all of this down and recorded so that when I drop to rock bottom again ( because it will happen) I have something in words to look back on and say, I did have it all for that time. 

Thursday, Friday and Saturday

Thursday: I've been rushed off my feet the last few days, I've had no time to do anything for myself, partly it's down to all the packing needed for going in holiday tomorrow and another part is what seems to be a manic phase, I can tell it would be a lot worse if I wasn't on my meds but it's been a but scary at times today and I can feel the depression trying to come on now. 

Friday: we made it here, it's been a long day starting with getting angel to playgroup then going shopping followed by loading the car and finishing the packing then collecting angel and driving here via a food place. I had a panic on the way but managed to get over if far to easily. Since arriving we've unpacked, had dinner and been for a walk, I didn't even take my bag of anything for the walk, I just went. 

Angel is now in bed and I'm contemplating what to do next seeing as I don't have a house to take care of. I brought my brand new giant cross stitch with me so I'm thinking of starting that. 

I'm currently dealing with the fear of being outside my comfort zone in a completely unsound proof caravan and caravans are extremely triggering anyway :/ 

Saturday: Last night was rough for T because of Angel getting up and down complaining of hunger. I had a stinking panic attack so been a bit bleary eyed and on edge all day. 

I ignored the feelings enough to go 5 mins up the road then that turned to twenty minutes away shopping and we even ate out at a lovely restaurant that I'd be happy to go back to. I had chips and scampi and salad and I actually ate some of my salad. 

Usually I can't eat out and if I do I have to limit it and go straight home after, instead we went shopping some more away from the car and then had a drive all the way over to Cromer which was another 20 mins away. I fell asleep in the car thanks to my earlier loraz half dose and hot food on top. Woke up when we got there and we looked around and explored until it got late and started to rain so we got a coffee and came all the way back to the caravan for dinner. 

Angel was really hungry so I made her dinner first and gave it to her leaving T to watch her eat while I cleaned the kitchen (I got to clean!!!!!). Anyway next minute I know she's eaten most of it and has been 'ill' after stuffing her mouth too full being stupid and it caught the back of her throat. I was triggered in that I keep thinking maybe she's ill and we forced her to eat, but I know, I saw it with my own eyes that she gagged because she had much too full mouthful. The other thing that triggered me was the words T said- that she wasted all that food. That was what my parents always said to me, I was always called a waster. I know that wasn't what he meant because it was self inflicted and sillyness but it pressed an emotional button. Plus the thing of illness follows us everywhere and caravans being ill places etc etc  

Unexpected Details

I have been talking to my best friend about how she's feeling about some things in her life at the moment and it triggered some memories I must have hidden inside my mind somewhere along the way. I only realized they were coming out part way through the e-mail to her so I decided to write them here so she could chose whether to read them rather than trigger her by just sending the e-mail.

I can count on one hand how many times I enjoyed sex with him and yet every day he demanded it at least twice. It hurt and I felt dirty. My mum made me promise early on that when I had sex the first time to tell her, I was lured into the false sense of thinking we had nothing we kept from each other. I was wrong, the first time we had sex was only a few days after we met, I was a few months off 16 and I am disgusted for throwing away my virginity to a stranger and at 15. I only thought I wanted to because if I didn't he wouldn't want me and I was so empty and alone, I just didn't want to be alone any more. 

Anyway I let him and he never used lube not ever, he was so rough that he split the condom but I still pretended to enjoy it. I thought that that was what it was always going to be like. I hurt for weeks after and I could barely walk let alone pee. 

I told my mum that first night and the way she looked at me I knew what I was, I knew I was a disappointment, an ugly abhorrent whore. I got what I deserved for being so reckless and I ended up having to go to the doctors to get some cream to help me heal, at the same time I got myself put on the pill with my mums encouragement, what a ffing slut. I told myself it was because of how irregular my periods were, or how much pain they caused but really it wasn't. 

Every day from there onward he insisted on sex at least twice a day and sometimes we only saw each other for an hour. I felt disgusting, but i felt right, i was and still am disgusting, the way my mum looked at me, the disgust. I can still feel it now. 

I went on like that for two years. We split up a few times and my mum upped her mental abuse until I didn't know whether i was coming or going and I cut myself deep enough to see bone. I wanted to die but I was too stupid to know how to do it properly and I was so desperate to feel loved and wanted that I let him hurt me, make me sore and painful over and over again. I didn't even know what to do about the 'drips' my bed and underwear were constantly stained and I was so ashamed of myself. I self harmed all the time and I deserved it and worse, or maybe I didn't because I enjoyed it way too much. 

I know that if he came back into my life now and I wasn't married, I'd still be tempted to let him do it to me again, no I wouldn't be tempted, I would let him. 

After two years I got a job and moved out and split up with him. I moved into a house with a friend and the landlord, not only because I wanted to get out of my parents house but also because me and my 'friend' were 'close'. He was a self proclaimed slut really, into guys and girls and not too proud to admit the things he'd done. We only had sex three times, all of which with no lube again, all of which without condoms or protection because i was on the pill, I was a slut and even at the time I was disgusted with myself. How could i have been so stupid? I was only 17 by this point and I was recklessly giving myself away to a stranger yet again because he showed an interest in me, he made me feel wanted. He used the bugger out of me, he would call me and get closer and closer over a week or so until he had sex with me, then he would disappear for weeks, even months. So I  did the sensible thing of moving into the same house as him, thinking it would make us closer. He used me again, then kicked me out of his room into the dark hallway. 

I'd already met my husband by that point and I was yet again willing to give myself to him to be wanted and loved. We were only in contact by e-mails but after a few months of this correspondence we met up for a picnic. We talked for hours and hours then he asked to put his arms around me to keep me warm because it was getting dark by this point, I agreed. He then asked if he could kiss me and I agreed. I expected it to all go the same way, but the moment he touched his lips to mine something felt different. TMI here but just the kiss made my body respond in ways I'd never experienced before and by the time i got home at midnight I was feeling -something which I now know to be lust- which was all consuming. He left me at my door and I went home. We have never spent more than a few days away from each other since that first date. Yet there are still times when I think in the same way, when he's wanting things and i think I have to just to make him happy. I know he doesn't work that way but I can't stop my mind for telling me what a dirty little bitch I am. I will not allow myself to show him how much I enjoy myself, I hate him even looking at me, I feel guilty and disgusting. I can't take control or get what I want because I'm too afraid to, too afraid of being a whore. 

I guess it all started wrong when my first kiss was stolen from me by a boy I met at school and agreed to go out with just because I wanted to be wanted. He literally kissed like a slug and it triggered my emetophobia, he then lead me to some trees where he forced me to 'touch' him and tried to push my head down to make me do sucky sucky, I faught hard but he made me at least taste, I can't remember much from there but I know on another day he got it out and made me sit on him and ride him with my clothes on. I was 14 and being bullied at school still, maybe i thought it was my ticket away from bullying. Desperate and pathetic. 

I didn't get raped like some people, I wasn't really abused, It was me and my choices, I don;t even know why I started writing this now, I'm fucking disgusting and everyone doesn't want to know about that. 

A journey in my mind, only two weeks in real time. *Warning - emetophobia triggering*

I found hell recently, the big scary that I knew was coming finally came.

The day I last wrote here Angel was off her food and not so well from the bottom end but I used my safety talk in my mind and told myself that if she had been off her food for days it couldn't be a bug, it was just a phase, if it was a bug then it would have made her poorly to begin with. Secondly if the illness goes downwards it doesn't affect the top end once it's down.

Both these theories were proven wrong when on the Friday morning she'd been eating her breakfast, slowly but not as if she was unwell really, then she all of a sudden shouted I need a cuddle. I'd heard that tone before and I knew instantly. I shut my laptop and it was already happening. I raced into the kitchen to get clean up things then sat with my little girl while she was poorly, talking to her, ignoring my own fear and panic. I managed to text T's mum to ask for help and in less than a minute she was with me, helping me clean up.
I could have done it without her but she made it so much easier and I felt more able to cope. She came over for the morning to keep me company just in case and I didn't feel so alone. I liked having her with me, she helped me stay sane.

The day dragged horribly until finally T came home from work and I could fall. I sat outside just staring into the distance listening to the dogs barking but not caring enough to tell them to shut up. E came out of her flat and I think she knew something was up right away, she came over and sat down and told me I looked frazzled. I simply said 'Angel was s***' and she knew right away. She asked me what she could do, if distraction would help or whether I was best just sitting outside.
I told the truth, I told her that I was thinking about the best way to kill myself. She looked shocked at the bluntness but instantly went into 'what can I do to help stop this' mode.

I don't remember most of the night apart from the fact that T kept talking about work and applied for a
promotion which was the very least of my worries at that point and triggered my annoyance.

I know I expected to die, I expected it to be then end.

The next day I was still barely eating and I loved the fact that I was feeling so low and ill from not letting myself get the sustenance it needed. I pretended it was because I was afraid of getting the bug too but I knew that was only part of it, another part was the sheer enjoyment of the painful stomach cramps and dizziness as punishment.

Part way through the day one of K and B's kids was kicking some of our stuff outside in the courtyard and I saw him doing it so went outside and told him off. I knew somewhere inside me that today was different and sure enough only a few minutes later T's mum comes to the door asking what I told R off for and I could clearly hear R's dad K and T's dad having a very loud violent argument all because R had lied about why he was told off, K jumped to conclusions and wanted an excuse to pop and T's dad stood up for me.

T went over to help stop the argument but I couldn't let it all go on when I'd been the one to cause it and now I wasn't even there. I regretted having to do it, but I picked up Angel and took her across, holding her tightly and reassuringly while I stood my ground. Not only to T's sister B but to her husband K who is twice my size in height and width. I said what I needed to say, I kept quite calm and by the end of it B was in tears because she knew she was in the wrong and K wouldn't even make eye contact with me while R sat looking pretty smug and satisfied about causing all the shit.

I left without another word and didn't start crying until I got back into our house and it all came down around me, all of the words he'd said, the fact that I'm too controlling and I'm a crap mother etc. That was just the catalyst for the breakdown but it wasn't really that that got to me, the thing that really upset me was the fact that I didn't feel like I could go on, not as a result of him but of what i'd faced the day before. I told T I couldn't go on then I felt the world around me dissolve in a way it hasn't before.

K, B and the kids stayed away from the main house for the rest of the day which meant that T and I could take Angel over there to see her cousins (non demon cousins) which had come for dinner and her nanny and granddad.

It was amazing how the social interactions made me feel a bit better and I felt calmer on the outside while inside I was still distraught.


That night I ate some more food and at T's insistence had a bath and made myself feel physically better, I was shocked by just how much effect it had on me mentally too.

Sunday I knew that Monday was coming, that I wasn't going to die, I didn't just have to carry on, but I wanted to. Something had clicked inside me and here I am still now over a week later.
I spent Sunday getting my mind in the right place and then Monday morning Angel went to playgroup and when she got home I was ready. She spent the afternoon playing and eating well and I spent some time just ironing and watching her play.

T's mum ended up having K and B's youngest KR for the afternoon because it turned out that her dad K had gone to stay at his dads house after the argument, in a huff. T's dad told them that it would be best they move out sooner rather than later though and so they have been making good progress on getting moved out thank goodness and I have no guilt or anything for the fact that I was one of the triggers for it getting moved along so quick. Evil I know.

KR wasn't aloud to play outside with us and it wasn't until the day after that I was told that her mum had told T's mum not to let her in the courtyard if I was out there 'because of what I said', well I say bonus.

The rest of the week was very warm so we spent a lot of time outside in the sun. Unfortunately T's mum had KR Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday which meant we spent more time with her than I would have liked and everyone agreed with me that it wasn't at all fair on T's poor mum. However Angel had lots of nice time playing with her non demon cousin EV.

So I've been through an emotional roller coaster but for now I'm out the other side, who knows for how long but as I've taught myself for the last few years; enjoy every minute as it comes.

Friday we are going on holiday so there is something to look forward to, a week away together.

Tonight

I can't make myself hurt enough. I've tried so many techniques but I can't feel the pain properly. I can't even succeed at punishment. 

Individuality, confidence, and independence.

Angel has been to playgroup every morning last week and enjoyed it a lot, she broke up on Friday for the May holiday and this weekend has just been a bank holiday weekend.

By the end of the week last week I had managed to get myself into a pattern where Angel would go out to playgroup with Grandad R and I would feed the animals then settle down with some coffee and snacks to do some of my writing, by the end of the week I was getting into it rather well and enjoying the escapism and felt the end of my current novel reaching an end. When Angel got home in the afternoon, we would have lunch then play and do housework all afternoon until T got home from work. It was nice with him being on 8-4 because he got to have his dinner with us and I wasn't alone to deal with Angel's latest eating disputes.

One of the things I have been trying to tackle just lately is my confidence and who I am. I believe I am a mummy, a wife, cook and house keeper and that outside of that I have no identity. Unfortunately I have trained myself so well that I literally don't believe I have anything outside that so even doing my writing seems pointless.
I've been thinking about some of the things I want to do, some of the things that I would do if I felt I was a person worthy of a life. The number one thing I would like to do is learn to drive, learning to drive would give me the independence to go out and do things for myself with no one to answer to or ask for taxi service. After learning that the pushbike that T brought me is unable to have a child seat fitted the push for me to learn to drive has upped. What I would really like to do is to do an intensive week course and at the end of it take the test. I tend to learn better that way but I'm afraid, I want T to be the one to teach me, I want him to be the one that I build my driving confidence with just like before I had Angel he would take me out and teach me. I gave up then, I blew up the tire and I felt like a complete idiot and stopped. I wanted more than anything to continue and I wished that T had pushed me into it while I was going and before I had Angel but he didn't push me because I never admitted that I wanted to keep at it, I was disgusted with myself for being such a damn idiot whereas now, I might feel somewhat mortified but I would probably be more able to laugh it off and carry on.

There are a few men that do driving lessons where I'm now living and both especially one of them sounds great, I have a vague idea of prices and they are low for learning to drive but still look expensive to me.
Not to meantion, would I really have the confidence to be in someone else's car, a stranger with my stupid phobia and panic attacks? Even if I could could I really handle a driving test? or even the Theory test?
I can't even wear different clothes that are outside my usual comfort zone so how would I manage that? I know I would be okay once driving but its the getting through the war first. I have fought harder battles and come out alive but I'm scared. I wish I could click my fingers and it would be done.

Last week in the afternoon I decided to take Angel and our dog and walk down to the post box where I hadn't walked to before. It wasn't easy with a huge dog and a toddler but I managed it, all the way there and back even on the parts where I had to walk on the road because there were no paths. The feeling of independence when I succeeded and got back home was tremendous and for once in my life I actually felt proud of myself, both my T and my sister in law E were proud too, it was an odd feeling.

I had a bit of a panicky day on Satruday, I ended up having a panic in the supermarket and then several more throughout the day and when I went to bed too. It has been one of the worst days for panic since I've been here and yet even that would have been classed as a super good day only half a year ago.
One thing I am noticing is that through less panicking and nervous energy I'm not burning as much off as I was before and I have gained some weight which I'm not happy about as a result.

Another reason for the weight gain is that I have gotten a new habit, one I've never had before and never ever dreamed I would have and that is comfort eating. I never thought I would have that habit, it is one that T has and a lot of people here as well as my own mother. I realized it today when T, Angel and I were outside trying to have a nice quiet afternoon together and we ended up having to look after the demon kids as well without being asked as usual. I sat there in the chair in the sun feeling like running into the house and hiding away, hitting something (probably myself), eating lots of chocolate and something i haven't felt in a long long time; the need to have an alcoholic drink. Not one of them is a good reaction and I hate that they can make me feel that way. We are hoping they move out sooner rather than later.

On another note, today has been a day for Angel, she got to have a bath with daddy this morning after a lovely big breakfast, then we went out to play on our bikes followed by going to visit nannies rats and chinchilla. Out of the blue I made the mention about popping to town for something and in no more than ten minutes there we were in the car on our way down to town, I'd eaten a wrong breakfast and wrong snacks in the morning but I was okay, I thought I wouldn't be, I didn't expect to be but I was and I even took Angel off on my own around a shop. This afternoon after lunch I made some special water to jelly stuff for her and let her loose with a load of cups and spoons with it. It would have been more enjoyable if the gruesome two hadn't been outside breathing over our shoulders and waiting to be invited to play (which never happened). Once Angel was bored of that game, after over an hour and a half, and her cousins had gone inside we got her pool out for her and I played with her while T cooked dinner. She then got to do her washing and ironing with her new set while I did T's shirts for work and then we had a lovely dinner followed by a long play with the rabbit and then the cats. It was a fun filled bank holiday for that little girl and shes now asleep.


I have to admit that I'm dreading this week with T being on 10-6 work times and the schools being off. It means that I'm not only going to be tired from Angel care but I will also have the horrible children around all the time too. I thought about getting T to drop me and Angel off at a hotel on the coast or something but looking into it there isn't much that is less than a few hundred pound for a few nights. So that's that idea out and I don't know I'd have had the confidence to carry it out anyway.

Learning to drive is my number one priority for the near future, I just hope I don't give up hope on doing it, it would be as good for Angel as it would be for me.

The end of a chapter, the start of another

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, involving family, big decision, mending broken bridges and trying desperately to maintain those that were beginning to look damaged.

My sister in law E and I had a massive falling out which started from something very small that escalated and grew until I felt I no longer wanted her to be a part of my life and I didn't even want her at my wedding.
At first when we moved here things were very tense between us and we barely looked at each other let alone spoke, even living literally next door.
I'm not really sure how it happened, I guess being closer physically to someone causes it a certain amount, but we started spending more time with her, now she eats with us most nights and we know we can rely on each other for little thing at the moment but who knows.
I actually wrote her a letter to apologize for my behavior and our estrangement over the years, I didn't send it to fix anything or to get a reply, I simply wanted to mend the broken bridge and do something to heal the hurt that was caused.

Just as we've grown closer to E, we seem to have grown apart from T's other siblings, especially after the two families camped out the front of the main house on the grounds over the last bank holiday weekend and we kept our distance because of cousin K's effect on Angel and her behavior. T's dad also seemed to change his mood from the first day of the camp and has only just a few days ago apologized to me as I thought I'd done something wrong and he was angry or upset with me. Everything has all been very odd and I'm now hoping that it can go back to normal while we maintain the relationship with E.

I started my food hygiene and safety course and within the 30 days I completed it and passed the test 100% That and T's slimmingworld diet has really given me a new lease of life in the kitchen and I'm thoroughly enjoying cooking for as many people as I can. So far I've had no complaints and I'm having fun, rushed and messy fun, but fun all the same. And now we have a dishwasher that we brought on Saturday I now don't have to do the washing up for the extra people. It makes me feel a little closer to Darcey from my book again.

I have been in two minds whether to send Angel to playgroup or take her out. I spent the whole of last week wracking my brain over and over and trying to work out what to do for the best. We kept it a secret from everyone except my best friend L, sister in law E and my little sister P - out of all of them P responded the worst (both L and E were understanding and very supportive)- P basically said in not so many words that if I took Angel out of playgroup and home schooled her that I would be ruining her life and restricting her. We half fell out then I apologized for being snappy and she apologized too and we're still okay.

I feel like I've grown up a little just lately, the apologizing and admitting to being in the wrong is not who I used to be. I think that I'm starting to learn that saying sorry makes me feel better as well as the person I'm saying it too and for once I'm managing to allow myself the luxury of forgiveness for a few things.

In the end T and I decided to tell Angel's playgroup teacher V and as luck would have it, it turned out that she is also an emetophobic with OCD and depression and we spent hours on Sunday talking about it all, it was strange, we were so alike in so many ways and she is such a lovely person who is prepared to help me every step of the way to adapt to Angel being in playgroup as well as taking extra precautions for me to try to ensure we avoid getting something.

My mind had been made up before but speaking to her had changed everything again and I ended up in tears yet again, terrified because Angel was happy there and I should let her go back.

Monday morning came and I went with Angel to playgroup and V invited me to stay, I was anxious but I fell into it right away and I felt completely in my element. I think it must have showed through because even T's dad has now asked me to be CRB checked so that I can go on the list of people to do cover.
V is actually being bullied by someone at work at the moment and she's going to have to take it to the committee so they can decide what to do.

I feel like I've started a new chapter in my life in some ways and I have no idea what to expect, I will do what I always do, enjoy the moment and expect the worst.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I last wrote here, I went to pen and paper and have been using that means for months. Over the last few weeks I've fallen out of the habit probably because of how much has been happening. We moved house properly finally which involved a travel to the midlands and 2 days rush packing and loading up the lorry. My dad and t then took the lorry to Norfolk and unloaded it again whole I looked after angel on midlands alone. It was a good opportunity to say goodbye and I felt ready. My sister spent time with us and so did Kardi. Back here its been easter and then this week my sis has been to stay with us. It was lovely but I knew the whole time that I was holding a major down off and the longer I held it off the bigger and more destructive it would get.
P got taken home by T yesterday ver early and T had meetings in midlands all day. He was supposed to be staying with my dad and coming back after a few more meetings tonight but yesterday Angel was unwell, it wasn't emeto but a close second and I looked after her through my fears and gathering depression. By the time it was 3 I was wrecked and I broke down. I cried until I went to bed at 1 on the morning and then I woke up crying. T decided to come home when i told him how I was feeling. I didn't want to make him do all that driving in one day but I don't know how I'd coped. As it is he's going back on Monday.

I feel so fucked up right now, so broken and damaged. I've not been this depressed since living at our old home.
I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard and another part of me doesn't want ms to keep busy.
Angel has been off with me since hers and T,a bath. She's been having major crying and tantrums since and refused all food. We have gotten her into bed now and hopefully a good nights sleep will help. The things feel like they're still piling up a against me and I don't feel like the fight right now.

Sunday 3rd Feb

New blog. Saturday 2nd Feb 2013

My new blog idea. First is the picture of the book I chose to write it in.
The others are my actual blog now.