Angel has been to playgroup every morning last week and enjoyed it a lot, she broke up on Friday for the May holiday and this weekend has just been a bank holiday weekend.
By the end of the week last week I had managed to get myself into a pattern where Angel would go out to playgroup with Grandad R and I would feed the animals then settle down with some coffee and snacks to do some of my writing, by the end of the week I was getting into it rather well and enjoying the escapism and felt the end of my current novel reaching an end. When Angel got home in the afternoon, we would have lunch then play and do housework all afternoon until T got home from work. It was nice with him being on 8-4 because he got to have his dinner with us and I wasn't alone to deal with Angel's latest eating disputes.
One of the things I have been trying to tackle just lately is my confidence and who I am. I believe I am a mummy, a wife, cook and house keeper and that outside of that I have no identity. Unfortunately I have trained myself so well that I literally don't believe I have anything outside that so even doing my writing seems pointless.
I've been thinking about some of the things I want to do, some of the things that I would do if I felt I was a person worthy of a life. The number one thing I would like to do is learn to drive, learning to drive would give me the independence to go out and do things for myself with no one to answer to or ask for taxi service. After learning that the pushbike that T brought me is unable to have a child seat fitted the push for me to learn to drive has upped. What I would really like to do is to do an intensive week course and at the end of it take the test. I tend to learn better that way but I'm afraid, I want T to be the one to teach me, I want him to be the one that I build my driving confidence with just like before I had Angel he would take me out and teach me. I gave up then, I blew up the tire and I felt like a complete idiot and stopped. I wanted more than anything to continue and I wished that T had pushed me into it while I was going and before I had Angel but he didn't push me because I never admitted that I wanted to keep at it, I was disgusted with myself for being such a damn idiot whereas now, I might feel somewhat mortified but I would probably be more able to laugh it off and carry on.
There are a few men that do driving lessons where I'm now living and both especially one of them sounds great, I have a vague idea of prices and they are low for learning to drive but still look expensive to me.
Not to meantion, would I really have the confidence to be in someone else's car, a stranger with my stupid phobia and panic attacks? Even if I could could I really handle a driving test? or even the Theory test?
I can't even wear different clothes that are outside my usual comfort zone so how would I manage that? I know I would be okay once driving but its the getting through the war first. I have fought harder battles and come out alive but I'm scared. I wish I could click my fingers and it would be done.
Last week in the afternoon I decided to take Angel and our dog and walk down to the post box where I hadn't walked to before. It wasn't easy with a huge dog and a toddler but I managed it, all the way there and back even on the parts where I had to walk on the road because there were no paths. The feeling of independence when I succeeded and got back home was tremendous and for once in my life I actually felt proud of myself, both my T and my sister in law E were proud too, it was an odd feeling.
I had a bit of a panicky day on Satruday, I ended up having a panic in the supermarket and then several more throughout the day and when I went to bed too. It has been one of the worst days for panic since I've been here and yet even that would have been classed as a super good day only half a year ago.
One thing I am noticing is that through less panicking and nervous energy I'm not burning as much off as I was before and I have gained some weight which I'm not happy about as a result.
Another reason for the weight gain is that I have gotten a new habit, one I've never had before and never ever dreamed I would have and that is comfort eating. I never thought I would have that habit, it is one that T has and a lot of people here as well as my own mother. I realized it today when T, Angel and I were outside trying to have a nice quiet afternoon together and we ended up having to look after the demon kids as well without being asked as usual. I sat there in the chair in the sun feeling like running into the house and hiding away, hitting something (probably myself), eating lots of chocolate and something i haven't felt in a long long time; the need to have an alcoholic drink. Not one of them is a good reaction and I hate that they can make me feel that way. We are hoping they move out sooner rather than later.
On another note, today has been a day for Angel, she got to have a bath with daddy this morning after a lovely big breakfast, then we went out to play on our bikes followed by going to visit nannies rats and chinchilla. Out of the blue I made the mention about popping to town for something and in no more than ten minutes there we were in the car on our way down to town, I'd eaten a wrong breakfast and wrong snacks in the morning but I was okay, I thought I wouldn't be, I didn't expect to be but I was and I even took Angel off on my own around a shop. This afternoon after lunch I made some special water to jelly stuff for her and let her loose with a load of cups and spoons with it. It would have been more enjoyable if the gruesome two hadn't been outside breathing over our shoulders and waiting to be invited to play (which never happened). Once Angel was bored of that game, after over an hour and a half, and her cousins had gone inside we got her pool out for her and I played with her while T cooked dinner. She then got to do her washing and ironing with her new set while I did T's shirts for work and then we had a lovely dinner followed by a long play with the rabbit and then the cats. It was a fun filled bank holiday for that little girl and shes now asleep.
I have to admit that I'm dreading this week with T being on 10-6 work times and the schools being off. It means that I'm not only going to be tired from Angel care but I will also have the horrible children around all the time too. I thought about getting T to drop me and Angel off at a hotel on the coast or something but looking into it there isn't much that is less than a few hundred pound for a few nights. So that's that idea out and I don't know I'd have had the confidence to carry it out anyway.
Learning to drive is my number one priority for the near future, I just hope I don't give up hope on doing it, it would be as good for Angel as it would be for me.
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