Since we got home there have been some rotten experiences such as Angel's demons cousins influencing her and manipulating her to lie. Her behavior has changed as soon as she'd been with them and we just can't wait for them to hurry up and leave, they are making our lives stressful and hard and horrible. It is so unfair on Angel because she looks up to them and wants to do anything they tell her to, but their behaviors rubs off on her so easy and then she ends up getting told off and we all get upset. I hate having this kind of relationship with my Angel, I just want my Angel back.
I was feeling extremely low yesterday as I put all of our packing away, I knew that I had had it better than I ever have before and better than I ever will again. I won't be that person again and I will miss her. I hate this stupid person that I am, I hate that I'm scared constantly, I want to run away and hide from my own daughter, what a fucking shitty mother, and why? because I'm scared she will be sick. It's like a good friend said to me once.. 'Get over it, it's only sick!' she's right but nope, I feel like I'm too weak, too stupid to break this pattern.
We sat outside yesterday evening to see the summer solstice in and I got to spend hours with T, my dog and some family members I care about.
My sister-in-law had been planning a camping trip to have in the field next weekend, just us and our kids and it sounded brilliant, well in the aftermath of the holiday it did but now I'm just small and scared.
T and Angel went shopping this morning and I spent the time answering fans and working on my shop then I had lunch then we went out and yes, I went out after having lunch which is a win but I panicked quite a bit to begin with and wasn't sure if I could do it. I know I had fears on holiday too but I wasn't nearly as panicky. What will it come down to? Will we have to move again and have a new start just so I can continue on this journey of healing? I'm not worth that and I won't ever be.
I have one more day of T support then it is back to the usual, housework, lunches, cooking and fear. Making myself do everything I can so that I can distract my mind from the immense fear.
I just don't 'want' to carry on this way. I don't want to be afraid but I am and I always will.
I'm angry and hurt and it all feels hopeless and empty.
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