Yeasterday I left my blog on a bad note yesteday, I didnt feel up to writing any more, I was so low I couldnt stop crying. I ended up listening to some music I hadnt listened to before and one of the songs that came on had exactly the same title as my poem that I wrote earlier in the morning. The words were similar too and it broke my heart and I let T know how low i was and I wanted to harm and he headed home. I couldnt stop playing the song on a loop and just crying whilst I watched Angel sleeping beside me.
I pulled myself together when Angel woke up form her nap and we went outside, even though I looked like crap from crying, she wanted it to so we did. We ended up bumping into her little friend and her mum. After talking for a while and watching the children playing I perked up a little. Then I got some great writing done in the evening and I felt a lot better. I started planning my next book and I ended up a little hyper about it and excited, kinda felt like i was headed into a manic state, which was very welcome.
Today I woke up feeling quite manic, I took Angel out for a walk and pushed myself to go further despite feeling anxious and thinkning i felt ill. We actually had a nice walk in the end and the only thing that spolied it was a very loud motorbike hutling past us at stupid speeds and absolutely terrifying poor Angel and I had to talk her back into feeling comfortable enough to walk again but she didnt so I then ended up carrying her home.
Later on I took her back out on her trike to try to teach her to ride it, she couldnt quite get it but I felt relaxed enough to walk down the road a way (would have been further if i hadnt left the front door unlocked) and met someone to talk to. When we came home T came home from work and brought me a basket of flowers from Angel for mothers day. Which made me feel so happy and special, although I doubted I deserved them, it was a total shock, i didnt expect anything.
Then I got an e-mail reply from my doctor saying that after discussing my case with another GP and about the e-mail i'd sent him the previous day, he wants me to go onto mood stabalizers. I've always known that I have bi-polar or cyclothymia or something and I've worked so hard to get someone to believe me and finally they have. But now I feel like I'm a dissapointment and useless... again. I'm terrified of starting on some more meds, my tummy has been churny enough today without worrying about more but T wants me to try it and so do the professionals. I cant help but wonder now whether I over reacted and made it all up. What is real and what is all made up by my mind?
While Angel slept I then got a lot of writing done which cheered me up, (I submerged myself in another character, another world) then we went outside and played with Angel's friend again. But by this time i was feel major guilt about everything and my mum's voice was going on inside my mind.
I'm a bit blah now, im not sure what I'm feeling but my tummy isnt happy at all. It hasnt been for days but today has been the worse and I've barely eaten anything at all and now i have a new tablet which is a huge size to take on a wibbly tummy.
T's friend has come to stay for the weekend, and I dont feel as panicky as I usually would but I can't help but wonder if part of my tummy is down to inteneral hidden worries. Although I have thought i might be best take some lorazapam. I wont though, i know I will need it for going out over the next few days. Going in a car with people other than T and Angel makes me very panicky. The car is my safe space and the house too and they are both taken over.
Guess I'll see how things go and try to talk myself into taking the tablet.
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