Make the most of every minute, appreciate all the good bits and learn from the bad.

Today's goal was taking Angel to the postbox. I didnt want to be too adventerous after yesterday and with trying my new meds again. I slept okay last night apart from waking T up a few times talking and having conversations with him in my sleep agian (I don't remember any of it).

I had Angel on my own all day again, I got her up, fed and dressed and we did our teeth and she wanted to wash her face like mummy. Then after giving her her bottle and trying to keep my patience in check while we did a few household chores - I was feeling irritable again - we put on some light jackets and went outside into the sun. It was beautiful and summery outside and I decided I felt okay enough to walk the long way round on a differnt route to usual to the post box. Angel held my hand and chattered to me the whole walk about the post man who we kept seeing, the differnt coloured doors and the cars then some flowers that we found. It was relaxing with only anxiety and no panic attack thankfully. We went the longer way home and then nearly got ran over by a man taking a U-turn where he wasnt supposed to, and I had to grab Angel and move her out of the way of the car. I made sure to put the driver in his place, showing confidence I didnt know I had.

I struggled at times today to keep my patience in check with how irritable I felt. But sitting outside in the sun drawing with Angel and our walk was just what I needed to keep me calm as well as a movie.

I'm now unconvinced whether the irrtability and low mood is down to my new meds, I think it may be more to do with stress after have two very distubed and not at all relaxing weekends when that is my usual time off from primary sole mummy care. As well as being triggered by a few things over the past few days then last night having an argument with  friend about medication. She made me feel like my mum used to make me feel. Telling me that I dont try hard enough and I'm not getting better quick enough. (saying all this to me even after I told her about my amazing success in town earlier that day). It broke my heart, I'd been pushing people away becuase of the triggers but I kept her closer and told her most things and she threw it all back in my face. It has shaken my trust in people again and I know two very nice people who don't deserve to be mistrusted. I guess I need to try to get on with things and not let it bother me too much or let it affect my other friendships. I'm not sure how we can mend our friendship now, I left the convesation beucase I didnt see why I should need to denfend all I'm doing, I know how hard im trying, Angel doesnt know but she's happy, T knows how hard I try and I for the moment am winning. So what if i get depressed sometimes, the main thing is, i am providing my family with everything they need, they are happy and I do not want to die.

Tomorrow T has said that beucase of how the weekend went in the end and the lack of Mothers day for me that we can do something in the morning. I am torn between going out in the car as a family or me taking Angel out somewhere, challenging myself knowing that if it goes wrong I can call T to come pick us up or meet us where ever we are. I'm a little taken with the idea of going to a place nearby where they sell animals and theres a huge garden centre, cafe and other little gifts and shops. Angel would love seeing the animals so much. It's about half an hour away or more by car and I'm quite scared of going seeing as everytime i have been there I have had at least one major panic attack. But tonight, I am in the mood for chellenging myself and so  want to try. I am so worried that my new meds will start to cause some nausea and it will hit while we are out or that i will get travel sickness but I guess i have anti emetics and I have relaxants so... unless something drastically changes over night... why not try?

If tomorrow was my last day, would I give Angel the very best day possible? Give her the most fun and happiness? Of course I would, so that is what I should do. Make the most of every minute, appreciate all the good bits and learn from the bad.