Battles, wars and fights.

I'm having trouble starting this entry off, It's been a few days again and I know I tend to fall out of the habit of doing something if I stop. So I'm pushing myself to write down what I'm feeling and thinking.

I think the main problem is that my thoughts are still so scattered and tattered after going through so much in the last week. My teeth are still causing me pain and I've been assured by a few people that its down to swelling still and healing and that it most likely isnt a sign that I'll have to go back to the dentist for more work. Unfortinately my self-destructive brain keeps telling me different, scareing me with scenarios where I have to go go back and face that all over again. My hands are still bruised from the needles and I feel happy about that for some reason, I like seeing the bruises and feeling the ache.

Anyway, the cut from my self-harm has all but gone now, I seem to heal so quickly with cuts. Its dissapointing.

Tomorrow I have Angel on my own all day from an early time beucase T has a very important work meeting a good distance away from where we live. I'm not looking forward to it really, I dont feel like I'm entirely ready for it but I have to so I will.

It feels a little like my life is made up of constant little wars that I keep fighting but there are always more, some harder some easier but always the wars and battles. I really really want to get to where I was a few weeks, or was it only a week? The place where I was safe and happy and I could live through the battles and put up a valliant fight. I seem to have re-errected my wall and I'm not sure how to bring it back down again. Part of me wants to wait for the manic phase again, hoping that it will come of its own accord, while part of me believes that to be totally gone now and my meds might need upping for me to be able to cope again. I'm not sure so I think the best thing to do would be to keep going until the end of the week then deicde about e-mailing the doctor and asking for upping my meds.

I should be on top of the world, I've come through a big challenge and I'm out the other side. I shouldnt have to go back to the dentist for a while now, especially for sedation. But I cant help feeling this fight isnt over yet. Over cautious or my intuition im not sure but I fear for the worst.