This morning I got up and didn't take any lorazapam. My goal was to take Angel to the post box after town yesterday. We walked up there no problem the came back home to help T find his keys. I was a little annoyed at having to come back when I had felt no anxiety and wanted to walk some more. T suggested that I get Angel in the stroller and go back out again. I wasn't so sure but decided to try, there were no expectations and no goals, just a walk. We went up one road then another, then past the small park, out onto the main road, a way I haven't been before but I didn't feel so anxious so did it.
By this time I had a goal in mind but wasn't sure I'd be able to go through with it. Not with 0 lorazapam in my system, but i thought to myself that I have it with me in case I need it and I know it starts working pretty quickly so I'm safe. I tried to distract my mind about how far away from home we were walking and the fact that T had gone into work which is over half an hour away so I was totally alone with Angel. We walked past the big college and onto a road I hadn't been down before. As we walked down it it got busier and busier and I began to wonder where we were and whether I'd made the wrong decision to try going.
I had a sip of my cool drink and concentrated on the things around me, on Angel talking away and I continued on. Past the shop I was looking for round the corner into familiar, quieter territory. I could get home from there easily. I sat on a wall and gave Angel her drink an had another drink myself, taking less than a quarter lorazapam that i had in my meds tin and nibbling a few crisps.
I pulled myself together and stood up, putting the break off the stroller and walking back around the corner and down the busy road to the shop of destination, determined to get Angel the ball she'd seen her friend with the other day and really wanted (She's ball obsessed). I walked around the shop, then we found the balls and we chose one then payed, calmly. We then crossed over the road and went into the Gregg's there and I brought us some lunch and treated myself to a pink sprinkled doughnut.
The walk home was a little tiring but not stressful or anxiety filled and I would go as far as to say I didn't have a proper panic attack and I am actually proud of myself for once in my life.
Tomorrow the goal is to go shopping the same as last Saturday. At the moment I feel slightly excited about it. :S its been so so long since I got excited about going food shopping, its been way to stressful for me.
I am wondering if the tablets are having some effect now as my depression only lasted a few days, I'm not on top of the world but I'm also not at the bottom and for that I am grateful.
Now for a nice date night and a little bit more writing on my new book, maybe some knitting too :D
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