Falling down **triggering**

*****This entry could be triggering for those sensitive to suicidal talk and self-harm*****

I decided to try to write a blog entry to try to unscramble my mind a little. Maybe I can work out where this mood came from and where my current state started.

I’m currently sitting with a throbbing headache wrapped in my favourite blanket, crying and trying to stop these spinning thoughts.

I could feel myself beginning to come down yesterday but I ignored it and pushed on, I was proud of pushing through but this morning my mood caught me out before I’d even gotten up. I was awake on and off since half 3 starting with a bad dream about my mum and then because Angel had woken up. T took her downstairs at about 7 and told me to stay in bed and get some more rest. I decided it was the best time to do some self hypnotherapy that I’ve been practising. But after the initial try at it I don’t to be able to get my head into it properly like I did the first time I tried it. Today was no different; I couldn’t get my mind into it and ended up dosing and trying not to think about things. When I got up I felt irritable and sensitive but decided despite not wanting or feeling like going out I’d try it and without Lorazapam. I knew once we were in the car it wasn’t a good idea, I felt like being alone and I knew I’d end up upsetting T if she asked me if I wanted to talk about it, which he did. We argued all the way to the shop we were going to, and I felt awful although it wasn’t a full blown argument it was a disagreement and poor Angel was in the back of the car and T ended up feeling upset with what I said -When we got out of the car we did the few errands we needed to do and I was okay despite having eaten and the fact that I was feeling very numb -that I feel alone in getting better and that all the major decisions like going back onto meds I had to make myself otherwise I’d still be back where I was with him promising to help me and not knowing what to do. I told him how I feel about the dentist and how I feel about the last few weeks of doing things and doing better. Now it feels like I was doing it because I knew the dentist was coming and it was my last chance to get out and do the things I wanted to do with my family before I killed myself. At the time it didn’t feel that way but looking back on it now especially last week, it feels a lot like I was given my last chance to live. I can’t see beyond this week. I don’t want to leave but I feel like I’m going to. I have a feeling that if I make another attempt on my life this time I won’t fail. It’s dentist or death and right now, I’m definitely on the side of death.

I’ve reached the point of crying so much my head hurts with every moment and I feel cold from the inside. I can’t concentrate on anything and my tummy is roiling around in protest, setting off my emetophobia. My friend has been texting me which has been helping because my natural state like this is to push everyone away so I can do what I want to do alone. And what I want to do right now is self-harm and take lorazapam, it’s all I can think about. I know where the blades are and I know how it will feel and I want that, so much. I know lorazapam will numb me and relax me and I want to feel that too. Maybe this is some sort of withdrawal thing from the lorazapam, I’ve taken more than my usual amount over the last few weeks and maybe that’s now biting me in the ass. Or maybe its just a reason or excuse because I can’t see straight right now.

I keep thinking, if I’d gone through with the dentist last week when I was more mentally and physically better and more prepared it would all be over now, I’d be out of pain and able to continue getting better. My desire to get better has all but slipped away and that terrifies me.

Tomorrow I have the lady coming round to do the hypnotherapy but I don’t feel like I’m at all in a fit state to try anything like that. I’ll only end up wasting our money on the session and gaining nothing from it apart from more panic. I feel like if I don’t get anything out of tomorrow then that’s my last chance, I will have to choose to live as long as my teeth allow then die. I e-mailed the dentist today to see if he can prescribe me something to keep me calm on the day of the work, so I have two last hopes but I don’t really believe he will offer me anything.

I was expecting a fall, but I wasn’t expecting to hit the bottom, at least not so suddenly. It’s a good thing there are people in the house. I know I’d be in a body bag by now if I’d been alone or at least hospital.

I want to be here for my child and my husband, how ffing pathetic am I that I’m letting the fear of something stupid potentially take me away from that. From what I love and live for. I could never say all the things bad about myself, I could never hurt myself as much as I deserve it and I could never detest myself more. I deserve the punishment of the dentist for being weak, but I’m too weak to even take that punishment. My mum was right about me, I’m a useless let down and a disappointment.

I’m winding myself up in circles so I’d better shut myself up before I go too far with what I say.