A Saturday

Saturday 9th June 2012 8.30am

Last night was very odd for me. I decided that with T going back into work, I'd have a night off work and take a long shower and do some packing.

I ended up dancing and listening to music, manicuring my finger nails, painting my toe nails black, waxing my legs, using lovely smelling body butter, and generally had a me night. I've never done that before but a friend inspired me to have a go.

I did end up doing some packing too, I packed most of mine and T's holiday clothes then finally I settled down to sleep.

T got back home last night about 4 in the morning and he was going to sleep in but thanks to Angel wanting him up to help with breakfast he got up which I felt annoyed at myself about but I couldn't help because of how much trouble I had getting up. Despite Feeling more confident generally, I'm on go slow. I'm actually feeling quite excited at going out today, I'm looking forward to the challenge. The plan is to go food shopping for the week and to get a few things for travelling and holiday. 

Saturday 9th June 2012 7.30pm 

The day has kind of flown by today. We went out not long after I finished the first half of my blog and I decided that I was feeling confident enough to not bother with lorazapam. On the way there I listened to my panic audio which gave me something to focus on and I think it helped me. We got to the supermarket and I was a bit wibbly but went in. I felt panicky walking round, but I was trying very hard to work on my bridging. I managed to stay until we got in the furthest corner from the door then I decided to go stand near the door and look at the magazines and books and DVD's. I's realised that although this panic attack felt like the ones I've been having of late, I knew what was making it so much worse this time and probably all the other times too.. hunger. Once I was near the door (I've just remembered now that I couldn't have gone to the car because I didn't think to take the car keys with it) I started nibbling at some plain crisps and found with my increasing blood sugar I felt a bit better and my panic calmed down. I then decided I felt calm enough to walk all the way back to the back of the shop to find T and Angel and continue the shopping and check-out with them, which I did fine and calmly. 

After the success at the end I was spurred on to want to do more so we decided to go across town to a shop that sells all sorts of random things and clothing and have a look there on the off-chance that we might find a nice summer dress for me because they sell 4's and 6's. Angel was already beginning to act up by the time we got in there, not for me, for T. Every time I was in charge of her she was an 'Angel' and every time T was in charge or I was out of sight she turned into a demon. Usually this would frustrate me but today I was still feeling little miss confident and it was enhanced by getting over the panic on my own before. She was being naughty and trying to run away and down the stairs herself the stopped when I found them, then downstairs she was pressing the lift and going inside, T kept telling her no and to stop and in the end she started having a tantrum. I just picked her up said no very sternly and carried her out the shop crying. By the time we got back to the car she was 'sorry Mummy' and back to Angel again. 

I spoke with T about it on the way home and said that at the moment things aren't working because we both deal with her differently so when its both of us she gets confused and starts misbehaving and it ruins our family time. T kind of agreed but I don't know is anything will change or not. At least I'm safe in the knowledge that she's good enough for me. 

When we got home I put the shopping and washing-up away and made lunch for us all then Angel and T went for naps and I sorted out Angel's clothes for holiday and sheets for her cot, I did the washing-up and tidied the kitchen, broke down the two story wooden rabbit hutch to make space in the garden (got to use a hammer, go bang bang Yay!) and I also made the sheet of info for the very lovely friend who is looking after our animals when we go away. K dropped by while they were both asleep and I got hugs and praise on the work that I did for the card I made. It was lovely to see them all! 

When it was starting to get late I went and woke Angel up, and laid her down with T in his nest to wake them both up properly. While they got going I made bottles and put away Angel's travel cot and sorted out our room for sleep tonight. Then it was nice outside so I Angel and I went for a little walk (despite the fact it wasn't morning and I'd eaten just before we went out and drank non-safe drink) It was sunny and we didn't go far, still in view of the house, but I couldn't help but remember when walking even that distance was hard, I'd panic and couldn't do it. 

Angel and I then went to the shop to get some bread for dinner and I still was calm and collected and focused on enjoying myself with my little girl. I then stayed at home to cook dinner, feed the cats and do the washing while T took Angel to the park to feed the ducks. 

Now I'm sitting getting ready to do some work and feeling quite pleased about how today went. 

I was worrying about the travelling on Friday but having talked about it with a friend and with T I now feel more comfortable and I'm all excited about getting to the apartment and the beach and arcades.