Last night I managed to somehow end up with insomnia for a few hours until gone two in the morning then when I did get to sleep, for some reason I was awake every hour afterwards having panic attacks while not really being awake, I have scratches down my legs and over my knees and arms from the panic but only vaguely remember doing them. I can remember the stinging pain and feeling like I couldn't breathe. It was quiet traumatic but I did manage to sleep upstairs in bed.
This morning we were planning to go swimming or something similar but the prices put us with it being so close to pay day. T was feeling poorly too, so we decided on a small trip out to a local retail park to pick up some new trainers for me and Angel and some hair things. I didn't feel very panicky on the way over there or when we first got there, I only felt a little odd because my hay-fever was playing up and I kept getting the feeling like I couldn't breathe and I felt dizzy from my ear. We looked around Mothercare and there was a massive sale on, so we got some things for Angel's birthday. By the time we came out of that shop, I was feeling panicky and I'm not entirely sure what set it off. I stood near the car, feeling absolutely terrified of going any further away towards the shoe shop that we needed to go in. I had my hand on my pill box to take a lorazapam but T said to me to try without and if I needed to come back to the car and take some then I would. I agreed and put the box away and walked along with T and Angel to the shop, with my nails already digging into my skin to give me something, except the nausea caused by the panic, to focus on. I found some shoes I liked and we spent a long time looking for a pair for Angel, trying ones on her and getting her measured, the whole time I spent feeling either panicky or FFing panicky. Every time I thought I was starting to calm down it would start up again. We left the shop with what we went in for and I guess I won against the anxiety but I definitely had battle scars to show for it, my arms were red, swollen and sore from my nails. I walked up to Boots on my own with Angel while T moved the car, it was an effort but I held Angel's hand and tried to focus on her, on anything other than how I was feeling. We went straight inside the shop with T when he'd parked nearer to make me feel a little more comfortable. Angel completely broke the panic for a short while, by pretending to wash her hair with every bottle of shampoo and conditioner she could find on the shelves. Unfortunately it didn't stay away, it came straight back and hit me hard again. More scratches later but after getting what we wanted I got Angel in the car while T brought some jacket potatoes from the van outside the shop.
When we got home, I realized just how hungry I was, but my tummy was also feeling very sensitive from all the anxiety and churning.
After so much stress and panic during the morning, I was looking forward to having a sit down and getting on with some work when Angel had her nap and T went out for a while. It didn't happen like that though, I needed to make up bottles and to do that I had to wash bottles up, then there was loads more to wash up, then the washing to change over and sort out, then work surfaces to clean off and make space for cooking, and dough to start making. T came home and I tidied up and cleared the living room to make space for K's family to all be able to play and sit down to eat happily.
I had a bit of a dip before Angel woke up, I had managed to exhaust myself I think and then I found out some news that upset me a little and just a whole little collection of things made me feel like crying.
K and her family arrived and although I felt anxious at first, I had some lorazapam (gave in, weak) and I calmed down enough to eat and enjoy myself and let the depression go. I always have a great time with them and the little voice in my mind keeps whispering to me that it won't last, that I won't be good enough, I never have been. I can get a little addicted to people which leaves me open and undefended, ~Not that I'm saying I'll get hurt, urgh can't get it into words, hope I'm not upsetting anyone. For an author I'm crap with words.
Now I'm sitting down feeling exhausted and ready for an early night which I'm guessing I won't end up having.
Tomorrow is T's last day off work and we are hoping to be able to travel to a different town centre and look around the shops and perhaps visit the butterfly farm they have there, depending on time and money. I guess if T's knees are bad or I'm feeling to much of a whimp to go then we will have to come up with something else to do. I feel like I should be getting ready for a battle regarding tomorrow but right now I'm falling asleep writing this, I have no energy left for battling.
Good night
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