This is a long one and there is some positive stuff that might give people heart attacks if they know me well.
I got up a little later and we all had breakfast together. I spent my breakfast.. thinking..... Thinking is always a bad thing for me to do when my train of thoughts go in 'that' direction. I ended up coming to the conclusion that the more times I go out and I'm fine, the more likely it is that the next time I won't be. That at any time I could have a sickness bug and not know and it could come on when I'm out and I could get ill in public. This was making me feel edgy about going out. I was convinced it was a warning that I would get ill today while I was out.
I don't know why I didn't but despite all of that I didn't take any meds. I had my usual aconite when I first got up but none to actually go out. I was very reluctant to go out and T offered me the chance to stay home more than once, which I know was him being nice but didn't help my strength and I had to force myself to say no and go out.
We traveled up there and I forced myself out of the car and into the shop despite feeling a little dizzy and very on edge. Angel insisted on walking and helping and this actually helped me rather than hindered because she gave me extra to concentrate on. I walked around the whole shop, remembered what we needed and went off on my own and with Angel alone sometimes. After we had paid and were ready to go out, Angel spotted some pretty lighters in a display case, opposite the checkouts at the back of the shop. I went over to have a look and T decided to get me one. He stayed to pay and ask for the engraving while I took Angel out to the car and put the shopping into it. From there we walked across to the other shop while the man was engraving and we had a look around the whole shop, again Angel and I went off on our own quite a bit and I was completely calm and wasn't worried at all about not having the car key. We took our time and browsed. We went back over to the other shop and I went in alone, without my bag and all my safety things to get the lighters. He hadn't even finished the first one and I ended up having to wait in the busy shop, right at the back, next to the checkout's with none of my safety stuff, alone and for quite a while. The only problem I had was that I was hungry, I got the rumbles and had to sip my drink to keep them at bay but apart from that, no panic and even through the icky rumbling I still managed to stand there and do it with only a little anxiety and no panic.
It's fair to say I walked out of the shop beaming. When we got home, there were people waiting outside our house to look around and view it. T took them in and got the shopping and Angel. There was a time, only back in March when having people in my house freaked me out and made me panic like mad, on top of that I was dealing with Angel alone, getting heavy bags in, just eaten some crisps in the car and there was quite a group of people which had been there as soon as I got back, no time to even go in and settle down. It's only now thinking back on it that I realise what a feat it was to do it, that I did that and I had no panic, I even carried on eating while they were here.
After a lunch and then a nice big rocky road ice-cream with chocolate sauce, toffee sauce, biscuit crumbs, chocolate and marshmallow flavor ice-cream and chocolate sprinkles, I then offered to have Phia for the afternoon while K and A went and did some shopping and had some them free time without any children. I was actually excited about it. Not long later they dropped her off and we spent an afternoon playing and drawing, I took the lead on the care of the girls and T sorted out some photos and was quite quiet as he was feeling a little rough, the girls have both had/ have got a cold which he now seems to have.
While I was still looking after Phia, my dad and my sister; P came over. Both Phia and Angel limpeted onto me which was sweet and we had a three way cuddle, complete with kisses and cuddly toys for about half an hour. In a room full of people with two little girls pinning me down, I was okay and yet again I'd eaten, but it didn't even cross my mind until just this minute.
K and A came back to pick Phia up while dad and P were here and then the living room was even more full of people, but I didn't even consider panic. When Phia, A and K had gone home, dad and P stayed and I got hungry so... T went to the shop and we got chips, I ate a whole full meal, complete with a huge ice lolly afterwards with them here, watching me. They didn't go for a while after and in the past if the panic doesn't get me when I'm actually eating, it does after. No panic. Now they have gone and I have worked my ass off doing the housework as T doesn't feel well.
I'm worried that my sprint of good luck is going to come to an end soon. This is too much good luck, too much normality for someone like me. A huge part of me doesn't think I deserve it.
Ramble alert, I've been thinking again...........
It's been 5 months, since the 1st of Feb when I took my first flouxidine and started on this journey to find myself. In five months I've gone from being a total wreck 24/7 to managing to stay calm on no meds when I'm out and about. From worrying for days before I go out even to the shop that's only 2 mins from my house to being excited about going out the next day, excited to challenge myself, excited to see the joy on Angel's face while we walk around and explore the world. If I never get any better than I am now, then I will be satisfied, I am living more now than I have ever lived in my entire life. All my birthdays came at once today, I had a normal, Satruday. I'm not stupid enough to think that every day will be normal, I'm not stupid enough to think that this will last but I am enjoying it while it does. I am dragging out every moment of happiness with my family, even moment of time when the vast majority of people take going to the shop or for a walk or to feed the ducks for granted. I will never take this life for granted. I have worked too hard to get here and I am still working too hard just to maintain it.
For some reason I was on a down, I don't know whether it was me thinking about how much I don't deserve this, worrying that it will get taken away from me, annoyed that T is ill and I'm getting no work done, or just tired, in need of a shower, and achey. (my shoulders and back ache like buggery). Now though I'm feeling more positive, how can I not reading that. So mother dearest if you are doing your usual thing and sending shite my way mentally because dad and P got to see your grand daughter and you don't get to, nah nah nah, im not yours right now, I'm free nah nah na nah nah.
Of course I may be on a manic and I'll be back to being your trapped little girl again soon. Fecking mood cycling.
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