Positive Day

Last night I got myself as prepared as I could for my first day back on primary Angel care while T was back at work. I got up later than intended and ate a small breakfast, actually It was bigger than I realised because I had it in two meals. I think if that was today.

I have to apologise, I'm feeling very panicky at the moment and I'm all over the place. I'm hoping writing my blog will help. Not sure if ill talk about the trigger for the panic or not though. I want to, I've wanted to a while but been too scared to.

Back to this morning anyway. T went out and Angel didn't cry like I thought she would. We started playing some games and she completely surprised me by doing her new jigsaws alone and then playing a game on my phone where she had to choose the right number, she demonstrated to me that although she only vaguely knows which order they go in, she can point out and recognise at least 1-10. I almost cried with amazement.

We decided to go out for a walk, keeping the goal as the post box for our first time alone for over a week. I felt okay enough to go the long way round and Part way there Angel told me she wanted to go to the park, I told her Maybe and that id try. We got to the post box and posted the letter then went through the little park. Out on the main road in the direction of the big park with the swans, ducks and geese, I realised I'd not only gone out on no lorazapam, id also not had any aconite either. This both scared me and spurred me on. We went into the busier big park and walked all round the water, out onto the main road and back past the pond/lake again. We watched the cygnits and ducks and Angel was good when I told her we wernt going in the play area today. I was intending to go a long way home but part way back Angel and I were both scorching hot and needed to get changed.

We then spent the rest of the day playing, cooking pie for the first time ever from scratch and cleaning. We generally had a nice day even with a few strops and Angel bot having any rest time at all.

As soon as T came home Angel started acting up again, doing her silly fake, give me attention daddy, crying. I tried and succeeded not to get annoyed and just took it as a,positive that even though she wasn't feeling 100% again today she was better behaved than id expected Ass proved the theory that its a daddy thing. I'm really hoping for as good of a day tomorrow.

I've chickened out of taking about my panic trigger again. I'm finally calming and getting tired. I'm going out with K tomorrow morning so maybe ill have a chat about it then.