I didn't blog yesterday, I had a bit of a rubbish day, with good bits thrown in.
I'm going to start from Monday night, when I finished blogging I'd almost made up my mind, I knew I didn't really want to leave but I couldn't think of anything else. I kept trying to get T to go to bed before me so I could be alone but he seemed reluctant. In the end we went up to bed together and I lay there waiting for him to fall asleep. I kissed Angel goodnight/goodbye and got back into bed, knowing my dagger was under the drawers beside my pillow. T was asleep and I was just about to reach over and grab the chain which is attached to my blade when I got a text from a friend, asking if I was up. I thought I'd better reply in case something was wrong and I text back yes. When what I wanted to text back was yes, help me. She called me and she gave me a special project to do, we talked and she made me realise how much T had been worried about me all day, even though I didn't know I was giving off those kind of vibes, I thought I was hiding it well, but I guess I couldn't hide it from him.
I went to bed after the phone call, not feeling suicidal anymore. I lay beside T and watched him sleep until I fell asleep then first thing in the morning told him and Angel how much I loved them both.
I wanted to go out to a craft shop yesterday to get some things for my project, we got going and went out and I felt okay at first but by the time I got there, I was feeling icky. Then after looking around for a few mins, I had to get out. I didn't think I was going to make it out without getting ill, and its the 3rd time in the last week that I've had such a bad panic attack. It took me a while to calm down in the car then we came home and I ate loads. Maybe it was hunger... I'm not sure, but I do know that it knocked me back...again.
Last night I had terrible, horrible dreams about Angel getting a sickness bug, having to deal with it then knowing that both me and T would be getting it too. All my dreams involved illness and vomit and I woke up at half five in the morning panicking.
I knew I needed to pop out today alone, even if it was only to the post box, from past experience I know when I go downhill I stop trying so this morning, I got Angel in he stroller and we went up to the post box. i put on my panic hypnotherapy audio and found it helped a lot and I got there okay. I bumped into a friend and we chatted while we walked through Daisy Park in the sun. I decided that I probably could go further but I didn't want to push it too much and go even more backwards. I carried on listening to the woman talking and all the things she was saying while I did my bridging and by the time I got home after the short walk, I was feeling proud of being able to do it on 0 lorazapam especially and a lot calmer, not totally calm but a lot calmer than I have been.
Then I remembered my dreams and I starting imagining the germs everywhere and started cleaning things. Things that I don't usually clean so much like cupboard doors, as well as the floors, surfaces. It seemed the more I cleaned the more I saw that I needed to clean and in the end I mopped the kitchen floor so I had to leave it to dry and stay out of there. My wrists are aching from the cleaning and my hands hurt from washing them so many times. I still keep thinking, I have germs on me, I didn't cook the food right, I've touched something and given me and Angel germs. We're going to get ill.
I'm trying to think about the holiday but my brain isn't working that way, it just tells me we'll get ill there which is even worse. I'm trying to sit down and get on with some work now, hoping it will distract me from my imagining and worrying.
I've realized, having started a few lists for things to take away that there are things I need to go into town for, so I need to get my zing back to be able to go and do that before next week. This time next week we have to be packed and ready to get up and go on the Friday because Thursday T is working far away all day again so we won't have time for anything and I'll have Angel alone.
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