This morning thankfully I was feeling a little more with it, well, I was when I actually woke up. T and Angel were up at half 5 again and I didn't even hear them at all. It gets to me that I can be so unaware when I could spend that time getting my breakfast, going to the loo, showering, spending time on how I look (which needs a lot of work) and my hair. or working. But no, I lay in bad taking sleep I don't really need, I only artificially need because of the drugs.
I wasn't hungry when I got up and my ears still hurt, but I wasn't feeling wiped out. I had very little to eat, maybe a biscuit and three crisps then we went out. I didn't take any lorazapam, I thought, that if I get too panicky while out I'll take some but until then I wont. We went to a retail park near our house in the car and parked up kind of in the middle so that we could walk to all the shops. (Usually I have to have the car parked outside of each shop we are in at the time we're in it which involves a lot of moving the car). We even walked to the furthest shop away and we didn't buy much, but we managed to pick me up and new lamp after mine died last night and a few other bits and bobs for our holiday which is two weeks yesterday.
Once we had done our shopping and looking around we went over to my friend KR's house. (He majorly burned himself last week and he is feeling fed up stuck at home alone most of the time and in a lot of pain.) He wasn't expecting us and we surprised them. It was the first time his mum had seen me since before I fell out with my mum. Seeing her pressed all kinds of buttons and the hug I promised KR but couldn't go through with, I felt I needed more than ever. Especially after being so stressed all morning with Angel acting up for her daddy.
When we got home and had food, I ended up going all drowsy again and falling asleep despite my best efforts not to. It's so so unlike me and I know for a fact it wasn't lorazapam today. My ears still do feel weird but I don't feel ill in myself. My dad and my sister turned up and I forced myself to wake up and stop being so damn lazy. I actually managed to eat a little food in front of them, don't remember the last time I ate in front of my dad. When they'd gone T was struggling with tiredness and his knees hurting so I pulled myself together and got ALL of the housework done then took a shower to realize that I haven't eaten, I'm not particular hungry but I can't take my meds on an empty tummy. Oh well. can't say I care right now........
I don't know why but at the moment, I feel distanced from T. I'm not sure whether I'm doing the distancing or we're growing apart (I hope not). It could possibly be that he is either working, doing housework or playing on his phone. He is also having to get up early every day because I can't which means that he's tired. We have even missed our date night this week, but he hasn't mentioned it. I'm asking too much, I'm always asking too much. I feel so alone, but maybe it's me pushing away. We don't seem to hold hands, sit together, kiss much or anything lately. Even suggesting sharing a shower, no, no interest. As I said tonight he is tired.
I will be starting to do all the housework, everything during the day so that when he gets home from work, he can do what he likes and not have to do chores before hand. I'm the wife and mum and this is my job and I've been being lazy, no wonder he's tired.
Soon T and Angel will both be asleep, I'm going to sit down stairs alone.
Supermarket shopping tomorrow the KR is coming for the day on Monday.
No comments:
Post a Comment