Worried husband, worried wife

Today has been a quiet day. Last night I made myself got to sleep before the self-harming urges could get the better of me. They hadn't entirely gone over night however. T went out to work and I decided that today was a hide away and push people away day. I put my phone on silent and just sat knitting while Angel played with her toys. I very very rarely leave her to play alone, unless I'm cooking or cleaning while she's awake but even then I'll try to involve her. But today I don't know, I was happy just to watch her happily playing by herself, and I didn't even feel that selfish for doing it because she was definitely happy and when she needed or wanted me she let me know. I think that's okay, that's okay isn't it? I get so confused about good and bad, when I was a child, my mum didn't play with me, she used to just leave me to my own devices then tell me off for getting into things or making the smallest of messes. So I have the thing of thinking am I doing that to Angel. The abused brain and free brain squabble a lot.

I decided in the end with my guilt to go to the shop and buy a cake making kit to make some cakes with Angel. We set out the mat and she helped me move everything into the living room where we stirred and got messy making cakes. K came around just as we were finishing making them and I have to say it was a surprise but a very very very welcome one. It pulled me out of my hiding which was exactly what I needed. She even brought me some chocolate and Angel some choccie mice. I had had a non safe breakfast but I felt completely safe and calm with her again, it always amazes me how relaxed she makes me.

After K had gone home, Angel refused to eat the lunch I made her and even when I gave her a second choice she refused that too. I was annoyed and as well as getting annoyed at her, I felt like self-harming again. Thankfully a surprise phone call from T and some texts from L and I was feeling less like acting on them. Angel also decided that she wanted an early nap and that gave me some time to myself. I decided that I would turn my self-hatred into creativity and make a card that T had asked me to make. I enjoyed that and got covered in glitter and Angel was fast asleep so I took out my notebook and started writing notes on my latest novel. From there I started writing the next chapter and ended up pretty much writing a whole chapter. I was so out of touch with the real world though that I tried to feed Angel over an hour early, then I managed to bun her pasta and I don't even know what I did to T's but it looked furry! I wish I'd taken a picture now, never seen pasta like that before.

In the end T ordered a pizza but unfortunately when it came the sauce they'd used was too hot for me and I am not nibbling some crisps and biscuits instead.

Now for the title. T is feeling very run down, I think he's depressed again. I know exactly how he feels, there is a whole series of things that have caused it. Things like the ongoing attempt at selling the house, especially now he knows I don't want to, money, his knees etc, and now his teeth too. One has broken an one has moved. He is feeling anxious about going, I'm not the only one that is afraid of going to the dentist. I definitely want to go with him, I should be there to support him, so bugger my anxiety, I am going to be.

Now it's date night and tomorrow we are going shopping, hopefully our night together will be nice and we will manage to get T more relaxed and happier.