The tears burn my eyes as you sit there all alone, I just wanna come home.

I wanted to start this blog with what I did yesterday. I don't have a good excuse for why I didn't write yesterday, apart from I was starting to feel depressed and didn't want to share my decent. I'm going to push through and say what I did, or try.

We got up and I took half a lorazapam knowing that we would be going shopping at the biggest shopping place near us. I only ate a little then we went out and went to boots first to get some aconite. From there we went inside the shop and started looking around including getting me a couple of bikinis which I tried on and stayed calm throughout. I did the whole shopping trip and I was okay and starving by the time we were done. I had started very nervous but used my bridging to help me.

Today T, Angel and I went for a walk to the park, I had 0 lorazapam, and felt a little shaky to begin with but I knew my mood was changing so I had the edge of that mood to hold me up and help push me through as well as that there weren't many people around. When we got to the park we fed a family of swans, the parents and seven cygnets. It was a wonderful sight and we got several photos. Then the cutest little duckling came up to me and I fed it from my hand and even got to stroke it. My panic vanished with all of that loveliness. We then had a really nice walk around the area and through Daisy Park.

T then went out to pick KR while I made lunch. KR has severe burns on his foot so he has been stuck in bored for the last few weeks and in a lot of pain. I invited him over to have our retro gaming afternoon, hoping I could pick up his mood as well as my own. T unfortunately seemed to be in a quieter and quieter mood as the afternoon went on and my mood began dipping down. By the time T took KR home, I was thinking about how I would hurt myself first. No point in starving myself because I have no appetite. I couldn't help but anticipate the feeling of me taking control. I can't get the pictures out of my head. I don't want to die, I just want to hurt a lot... at the moment. I want to push everyone away and have an evening by myself where only I can see how bad I hurt and how much I can tear myself apart.

I feel ugly and disgusting and I'm scared, yet again of needing to go have another tooth fixed. Even the thought of going on holiday isn't lifting me. I have my depressing music on a loop and I'm just looking forward to when T goes to bed and I'm alone.