A very mixed day

I got up this morning feeling tired as usual thanks to the meds, and I had a few things during the day, I needed to go to the chemist and pick up my prescription, post some letters and post a parcel. I decided that I wouldn't take any lorazapam, I wanted to see how far I could get and I felt oddly confident for once. Maybe the fear of travelling Friday morning is making everything else seem smaller in comparison.

The morning was quite rushed, Angel was messing her breakfast around and T was hurrying to get ut and not  bothering to make sure I had a chance to get breakfast and do other morning things, it really pissed me off.

I had to take the big pram out because the parcel I needed to take to the post office was quite large. I wasn't looking forward to pushing the huge thing, especially with how warm it was outside but I just took it slow and it was actually okay. We went to the post box and I felt a little anxious but not too bad so we carried on up to the chemist where I felt very panicky while I waited for them to call the doctors and see where my prescription was. They'd messed up despite me telling the doctor that I was going on holiday and would need my prescription early, so I was told to come back tomorrow.That peed me off.

From there I was feeling quite edgy but I carried on walking all the way up to the post office, I sent the parcel, finding it was more expensive to send than I'd charged so I was paying out of my own pocket. When we came out of there I felt calm again and we walked the long way to our friends house so Angel could play with Phia and I could chat to K and A. At first I was anxious then I relaxed and ended up only leaving because it was getting towards lunch time and I didn't want to impose. Angel and I took a slow walk home along a route we don't usually take because it's on the main road and very busy and noisy but I wasn't afraid and I even at a few packets of crisps as I walked along, finding I was starving.

When we got home though, despite the fact that we'd had a very positive experience, things started to go downhill. Angel said she was hungry but refused to eat anything I gave her. I was getting very very frustrated and the mood from first thing in the morning when T as peed me off was hanging over me, as well as the thought that T wouldn't be home until quite late and I was beginning to feel like I couldn't cope. I tried texting people and just looked forward to when Angel would have her nap and I would get time out to sort my mood out and relax. Despite how tired and moody and stroppy and horrible Angel was behaving, when I put her in the cot, after only 5 minutes of quiet she started playing up again, standing up, being noisy, moaning, lying about doing things in her happy, crying out for her daddy. I was trying desperately to get some time to relax and calm down and answer some questions for an interview I was asked to do. I couldn't concentrate and in the end I lost my patience and knew she wasn't going to shut up so I went upstairs to get her up again.

While I was walking up the stairs, I knew I wasn't in a good place. I got into the room and shouted, opened the blind and shouted more. I got her out of her cot and more or less just shoved her down onto her feet making her lose her balance and fall over. She was scared of me, which triggered something related to my mum. I wanted to make her scared, I wanted to show her what real crying was, not that fake crying she' been doing before I walked in the room. I kicked things, threw things around and she was terrified, she looked at me and cried and tried to hide from me, triggering me more. I knew I was acting like my mum and that made me more hate filled. I went into Angel's room, leaving my bedroom door open, which meant she could easily fall down the stairs because there was no barrier between her and them. I thought of the scissors in the draw and took them out. I didn't care that they were rusty or that they had something on them that I couldn't even identify. 7 slashes later, something stopped me, maybe Angel calling out for me. I came back to myself and the tears came, I picked Angel up realising I was bleeding down my arm. She kept saying mummy poorly and clean it, pointing to my arm.

The first thing I could think to do was call my friend K. She answered and rushed over, calling T on the way, I think she knew I wasn't going to call him. She just held me and talked to me and then helped clean me up. I've never let anyone in after hurting myself after that, I usually hide and beat m self up inside. It was the worst I'd hurt myself since I lived with my mum and I was so so so ashamed of how id behaved towards Angel.
K stayed with me until T got home from work and I told him what happened.

Later that evening K acme around for our girly evening that we'd planned and it was exactly what I needed. We did face masks, make-up, nails, hair. She made me loo prettyful and feel good about myself and we laughed so much. I've never had a girly night before, and it was wonderful, so much fun, and I'm already looking forward to the next one. I also thought I might need lorazapam but I didn't and even while K di my make-up I didn't feel much more than a bit anxious.

When K went home, her hubby was in a lot of pain with an injury he has and T took him to hospital while I stayed home with Angel an K stayed home with her 3 children. T got home about half past two.

T has gone to work for the morning today so I have Angel alone and although I feel a little more relaxed I know I'm still stressing majorly about travelling tomorrow and all of the things we need to do before tomorrow. All the packing we need to do still, and all the prep. I'm hoping that Angel is going to behave for me so I can stay calm and get some things done. At the moment she's playing with one of our cats and singing incy wincy spider.

My tummy is all a bit wibbly about going tomorrow, so I'm not sure if I will get out very far today, it's also very warm, but I'll see, might end up going out this evening to get my prescription instead of this morning maybe. Might just have a me and Angel morning, looking at books, playing, drawing, sand and things.

I'm expecting to blog later, in fear of going tomorrow.