PTSD Triggered

I have been majorly triggered with my PTSD which I have from the pregnancy ad birth of Angel. I'm sitting forcing myself to write this because what I really want to do is dissociate and shut off to not have to deal with it. Unfortunately the trigger is still active and it won't be going any time soon.

When I was pregnant and enduring the nausea 24/7, the chip shop next door opened up and the smell was very nauseating and made me feel much worse. Thankfully it was winter and having the windows and doors shut helped, I just had to avoid going out when the smell was there; everyday from half ten in the morning until half ten at night, except Sundays when thankfully they didn't open. Getting to the car to go out was like getting through a mine field of smell and it made me feel so bad that usually I would end up back in the house feeling ill and panicky. The nausea stopped being 24/7 but it was still there through the summer months even, before I had her and the smell got worse with the heat. So today with all the windows and doors open and that same smell wafting in and filling up the house, its finally won and I've turned into a wreck and I can't deal with it any more. I feel like I'm going to pass out and I'm fighting to keep my dinner where it should be which is triggering me more. I feel like I'm trapped but I'm in my own home. I can't not have the windows open and the only fan we have is in Angel's room and would only help waft the smell around more anyway.

I have lit a load of scented candles and closed the window as much as the weather will allow but I still can't stop smelling it and I can taste it too, like that greasiness is inside me.

The day I gave birth to Angel smelled the exact same and was hot although very wet. Right now I don't think it would be a good idea to go into the birth story, I know I probably would pass out or just dissociate for the night. The best thing I can do is to try to focus on anything else, keep cool and treat the effects of the panic as they come.

Bored of the pressure

The title is spot on for how I'm feeling today. I'm bored by the stupid pressure in the air, making me have a headache and making my blood pressure play up. 


I cancelled with KR this morning after much thought, but in hindsight although I managed to take Angel out to the post box, I did nothing else and I could have had him over. However with how lazy I'm feeling right now, I guess that's probably what at least a part of it was down to. 


When I took Angel to the post box, the weather was manky and wet and I had to put her in her full weather suit just to go on a short journey. I'd intended to go to K's on the way back from the post box but I wasn't feeling great with being dizzy and lightheaded, or I convinced myself I wasn't. I think I'm losing touch with what's real and whats in my head. I didn't have the confidence to ask them to come here, so Angel and I had another quiet day, mostly stuck in and beginning to get bored. Angel kept asking me on the walk back home, if we could go see Phia, "Phia pease Mummy," was what she kept saying and it broke my heart that I had to tell her no, and simply because of my own fear of being dizzy or feeling ill. I ended up walking the last stretch in tears and telling her no I couldn't take her, I'm sorry. I did mange to do the post box on no lorazapam and I forgot to take aconite so I was on nothing and had had a small breakfast. I got a little edgy because, despite the nasty weather, everyone and their dog seemed to be out and about. It was really busy and it never usually is. 


Angel is really beginning to get bored of being stuck in and  can't blame her, so am I. I feel like I'm suffocating with the pressure of the weather and the dark suffocating air. I looked at the forecast and it is supposed to be like this until at least Saturday so I need to suck it up and get on with it. Sometimes my weakness is shocking and terribly disappointing. I need to do better for Angel, she deserves better. I need to do this. I feel like I'm falling again. 


I really really wish I could wake up tomorrow with the get-up and go to power me, to make me capable of doing the things I need to get done, of just treating Angel to some time out. 

*********************************************

Oh yes one last thing, this is the song that my mum thinks of when she thinks of me and our relationship. ironically, it's the same song, or one of them that I think of in relation to her too. It's called 'Oceans' by 'Evanescence' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUAcjnqUZzE <-----Youtube link complete with words. (A secret about me that barely anyone knows... I sound like Amy Lee when I sing, but barely anyone has ever heard me sing, even my husband has only heard me on a recording and by accident)

Worried husband, worried wife

Today has been a quiet day. Last night I made myself got to sleep before the self-harming urges could get the better of me. They hadn't entirely gone over night however. T went out to work and I decided that today was a hide away and push people away day. I put my phone on silent and just sat knitting while Angel played with her toys. I very very rarely leave her to play alone, unless I'm cooking or cleaning while she's awake but even then I'll try to involve her. But today I don't know, I was happy just to watch her happily playing by herself, and I didn't even feel that selfish for doing it because she was definitely happy and when she needed or wanted me she let me know. I think that's okay, that's okay isn't it? I get so confused about good and bad, when I was a child, my mum didn't play with me, she used to just leave me to my own devices then tell me off for getting into things or making the smallest of messes. So I have the thing of thinking am I doing that to Angel. The abused brain and free brain squabble a lot.

I decided in the end with my guilt to go to the shop and buy a cake making kit to make some cakes with Angel. We set out the mat and she helped me move everything into the living room where we stirred and got messy making cakes. K came around just as we were finishing making them and I have to say it was a surprise but a very very very welcome one. It pulled me out of my hiding which was exactly what I needed. She even brought me some chocolate and Angel some choccie mice. I had had a non safe breakfast but I felt completely safe and calm with her again, it always amazes me how relaxed she makes me.

After K had gone home, Angel refused to eat the lunch I made her and even when I gave her a second choice she refused that too. I was annoyed and as well as getting annoyed at her, I felt like self-harming again. Thankfully a surprise phone call from T and some texts from L and I was feeling less like acting on them. Angel also decided that she wanted an early nap and that gave me some time to myself. I decided that I would turn my self-hatred into creativity and make a card that T had asked me to make. I enjoyed that and got covered in glitter and Angel was fast asleep so I took out my notebook and started writing notes on my latest novel. From there I started writing the next chapter and ended up pretty much writing a whole chapter. I was so out of touch with the real world though that I tried to feed Angel over an hour early, then I managed to bun her pasta and I don't even know what I did to T's but it looked furry! I wish I'd taken a picture now, never seen pasta like that before.

In the end T ordered a pizza but unfortunately when it came the sauce they'd used was too hot for me and I am not nibbling some crisps and biscuits instead.

Now for the title. T is feeling very run down, I think he's depressed again. I know exactly how he feels, there is a whole series of things that have caused it. Things like the ongoing attempt at selling the house, especially now he knows I don't want to, money, his knees etc, and now his teeth too. One has broken an one has moved. He is feeling anxious about going, I'm not the only one that is afraid of going to the dentist. I definitely want to go with him, I should be there to support him, so bugger my anxiety, I am going to be.

Now it's date night and tomorrow we are going shopping, hopefully our night together will be nice and we will manage to get T more relaxed and happier.

Last day of the holiday

Today was the last day that T has off work for a while, probably until Angel's birthday. 


The plan was for us to go to a different town centre which we hadn't been too since a few years before Angel was born. It's a major tourist trap so even on a normal weekday it is pretty bustling with coach loads of people and locals (who tend to be a little snobby). 


I took half a lorazapam in the morning first thing, I would usually take a whole one or more for such a huge challenge but I only had half to hand and thought that if I got too panicky I could always take more. I decided to have a small scotch pancake for breakfast with lemon curd for the sugar to get my blood sugar going without having to eat too much. What I didn't consider though was that I ate it hot and just after taking lorazapam, it wasn't long before I felt very drowsy. We traveled there and I was fine,texting a friend and feeling too tired to be panicky. We parked in one of the multistory car-parks at the bottom and walked out straight into the high street where coach loads of people were un boarding and grouping together. We looked around some shops and I ended up getting some lovely nom nommy toffee coffee which is yummy and T has given me his old coffee making machine now he has his new aero-press so I have my own big sexy coffee machine and new scrumptious coffee to make in it :) this makes me happy- and a little sugar and caffeine hyped. T got some new tea's for himself and we brought some lemon and lime tea which you make like powdered juice and serve cold, Angel loved the sample and demanded more. (there is no caffeine so we got her some). Lovely summer drink with ice-cubes and slices of lemon or/and lime. Getting thirsty now....


We also brought me some amulets, in the Pagan shop they have there, to help with my self confidence and inner strength. We also got some crystals and I got some worry dolls from the same shop, it smelled lovely in there and the atmosphere was relaxed and safe, could have stayed there ages. 


I walked around feeling a little on edge but able to go into the shops and was mostly in a drowsy daze. I kept nibbling and thought I was okay but for some reason as soon as we went to get some food, I freaked out. I haven't done that in a long long time, yes food makes me worry a little more, but it doesn't usually send me n a complete tizzy fit anymore. I sat in the quiet part of the resteraunt while T went round the corner and out of sight to get our lunch. I sat talking to Angel and sipping my drink, but I couldn't stop panicking especially when people kept walking past us and then a man sat down right next to us. I wasn't coping and I think T could see, as soon as he came towards us his expression just softened and he looked almost sorry for me, not a look I see on him often. But then I was sitting there in the edge of the seat, with my nails digging into my arms while my lips where white and my face just as pale. 


We left the shop and walked at a very fast pace back towards the car, realizing it was a lot further away that we thought it was. I kept thinking; there is nowhere safe, if I'm ill now, everyone will see, everyone will be disgusted with me. I'm disgusting, I can't let people see me like that. On and on inside my mind the words played over and over, the pictures played on a loop and I just bypassed the elastic bands and went straight to my skin again. 


By the time we managed to get back to the car, I could barely hold myself up anymore and was feeling very confused. I couldn't even open the car door to get inside and when I did I opened it on myself and almost fell over. T got me and Angel in the car and got me starting to eat, it was my blood sugar that had dropped that had me confused and close to collapse again, with some help from my blood pressure and a lot of help from my panic. After I'd eaten a little I just wanted to go home and I almost fell asleep on the way back, which isn't like me unless I'm on sedatives. 


Over all though before the panic and all that I did have a nice time and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drank nearly as much as I obviously needed to was probably a big part of the problem. 


In the afternoon I had some lunch and recovered and managed to get some work done while Angel had her nap. This evening I was beginning to feel a little depressed again and suspected it had something to do with the fact that T goes back to work tomorrow and I am with Angel alone. All she wants right now is daddy and I'm terrified that she will just cry for him and not want me. Terrified that it will be hard like it used to be, when every hour felt like it dragged for days and I counted down until I wouldn't be alone any more. 


I decided to have a bath with pink water and confetti. I used a face mask, a hot oil hair mask and some after wash stuff to help the condition of my hair too. I very rarely have any time like that but I felt like I needed some sort of a cleansing tonight. 


Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling confident and even if Angel and I only manage to walk up to the post box and maybe Daisy park it will be something. Starting at low goals and working up after being with T for so long and not having to cope on my own and with having been away and finding things generally easier there. 


I had better get some sleep and hope that Angel behaves tomorrow and that I can cope and that I manage to get out. I'm kind of in a weak phase at the moment where I don't want to push myself but I guess that means I need to push harder. I can't help but feel that I'm doing it all for nothing in the long run though. When the big bad comes along, and it will at some point... what then? 

A loooooong panic

Last night I managed to somehow end up with insomnia for a few hours until gone two in the morning then when I did get to sleep, for some reason I was awake every hour afterwards having panic attacks while not really being awake, I have scratches down my legs and over my knees and arms from the panic but only vaguely remember doing them. I can remember the stinging pain and feeling like I couldn't breathe. It was quiet traumatic but I did manage to sleep upstairs in bed. 


This morning we were planning to go swimming or something similar but the prices put us with it being so close to pay day. T was feeling poorly too, so we decided on a small trip out to a local retail park to pick up some new trainers for me and Angel and some hair things. I didn't feel very panicky on the way over there or when we first got there, I only felt a little odd because my hay-fever was playing up and I kept getting the feeling like I couldn't breathe and I felt dizzy from my ear. We looked around Mothercare and there was a massive sale on, so we got some things for Angel's birthday. By the time we came out of that shop, I was feeling panicky and I'm not entirely sure what set it off. I stood near the car, feeling absolutely terrified of going any further away towards the shoe shop that we needed to go in. I had my hand on my pill box to take a lorazapam but T said to me to try without and if I needed to come back to the car and take some then I would. I agreed and put the box away and walked along with T and Angel to the shop, with my nails already digging into my skin to give me something, except the nausea caused by the panic, to focus on. I found some shoes I liked and we spent a long time looking for a pair for Angel, trying ones on her and getting her measured, the whole time I spent feeling either panicky or FFing panicky. Every time I thought I was starting to calm down it would start up again. We left the shop with what we went in for and I guess I won against the anxiety but I definitely had battle scars to show for it, my arms were red, swollen and sore from my nails. I walked up to Boots on my own with Angel while T moved the car, it was an effort but I held Angel's hand and tried to focus on her, on anything other than how I was feeling. We went straight inside the shop with T when he'd parked nearer to make me feel a little more comfortable. Angel completely broke the panic for a short while, by pretending to wash her hair with every bottle of shampoo and conditioner she could find on the shelves. Unfortunately it didn't stay away, it came straight back and hit me hard again. More scratches later but after getting what we wanted I got Angel in the car while T brought some jacket potatoes from the van outside the shop. 


When we got home, I realized just how hungry I was, but my tummy was also feeling very sensitive from all the anxiety and churning. 


After so much stress and panic during the morning, I was looking forward to having a sit down and getting on with some work when Angel had her nap and T went out for a while. It didn't happen like that though, I needed to make up bottles and to do that I had to wash bottles up, then there was loads more to wash up, then the washing to change over and sort out, then work surfaces to clean off and make space for cooking, and dough to start making. T came home and I tidied up and cleared the living room to make space for K's family to all be able to play and sit down to eat happily. 


I had a bit of a dip before Angel woke up, I had managed to exhaust myself I think and then I found out some news that upset me a little and just a whole little collection of things made me feel like crying. 


K and her family arrived and although I felt anxious at first, I had some lorazapam (gave in, weak) and I calmed down enough to eat and enjoy myself and let the depression go. I always have a great time with them and the little voice in my mind keeps whispering to me that it won't last, that I won't be good enough, I never have been. I can get a little addicted to people which leaves me open and undefended, ~Not that I'm saying I'll get hurt, urgh can't get it into words, hope I'm not upsetting anyone. For an author I'm crap with words.


Now I'm sitting down feeling exhausted and ready for an early night which I'm guessing I won't end up having. 


Tomorrow is T's last day off work and we are hoping to be able to travel to a different town centre and look around the shops and perhaps visit the butterfly farm they have there, depending on time and money. I guess if T's knees are bad or I'm feeling to much of a whimp to go then we will have to come up with something else to do. I feel like I should be getting ready for a battle regarding tomorrow but right now I'm falling asleep writing this, I have no energy left for battling. 


Good night

100, Emetophobic Dreams *TRIGGERING*

I didn't blog yesterday, I had a bit of a rubbish day, with good bits thrown in. 
I'm going to start from Monday night, when I finished blogging I'd almost made up my mind, I knew I didn't really want to leave but I couldn't think of anything else. I kept trying to get T to go to bed before me so I could be alone but he seemed reluctant. In the end we went up to bed together and I lay there waiting for him to fall asleep. I kissed Angel goodnight/goodbye and got back into bed, knowing my dagger was under the drawers beside my pillow. T was asleep and I was just about to reach over and grab the chain which is attached to my blade when I got a text from a friend, asking if I was up. I thought I'd better reply in case something was wrong and I text back yes. When what I wanted to text back was yes, help me. She called me and she gave me a special project to do, we talked and she made me realise how much T had been worried about me all day, even though I didn't know I was giving off those kind of vibes, I thought I was hiding it well, but I guess I couldn't hide it from him. 


I went to bed after the phone call, not feeling suicidal anymore. I lay beside T and watched him sleep until I fell asleep then first thing in the morning told him and Angel how much I loved them both. 


I wanted to go out to a craft shop yesterday to get some things for my project, we got going and went out and I felt okay at first but by the time I got there, I was feeling icky. Then after looking around for a few mins, I had to get out. I didn't think I was going to make it out without getting ill, and its the 3rd time in the last week that I've had such a bad panic attack. It took me a while to calm down in the car then we came home and I ate loads. Maybe it was hunger... I'm not sure, but I do know that it knocked me back...again. 


Last night I had terrible, horrible dreams about Angel getting a sickness bug, having to deal with it then knowing that both me and T would be getting it too. All my dreams involved illness and vomit and I woke up at half five in the morning panicking. 


I knew I needed to pop out today alone, even if it was only to the post box, from past experience I know when I go downhill I stop trying so this morning, I got Angel in he stroller and we went up to the post box. i put on my panic hypnotherapy audio and found it helped a lot and I got there okay. I bumped into a friend and we chatted while we walked through Daisy Park in the sun. I decided that I probably could go further but I didn't want to push it too much and go even more backwards. I carried on listening to the woman talking and all the things she was saying while I did my bridging and by the time I got home after the short walk, I was feeling proud of being able to do it on 0 lorazapam especially and a lot calmer, not totally calm but a lot calmer than I have been. 


Then I remembered my dreams and I starting imagining the germs everywhere and started cleaning things. Things that I don't usually clean so much like cupboard doors, as well as the floors, surfaces. It seemed the more I cleaned the more I saw that I needed to clean and in the end I mopped the kitchen floor so I had to leave it to dry and stay out of there. My wrists are aching from the cleaning and my hands hurt from washing them so many times. I still keep thinking, I have germs on me, I didn't cook the food right, I've touched something and given me and Angel germs. We're going to get ill. 


I'm trying to think  about the holiday but my brain isn't working that way, it just tells me we'll get ill there which is even worse. I'm trying to sit down and get on with some work now, hoping it will distract me from my imagining and worrying. 


I've realized, having started a few lists for things to take away that there are things I need to go into town for, so I need to get my zing back to be able to go and do that before next week. This time next week we have to be packed and ready to get up and go on the Friday because Thursday T is working far away all day again so we won't have time for anything and I'll have Angel alone. 

The tears burn my eyes as you sit there all alone, I just wanna come home.

I wanted to start this blog with what I did yesterday. I don't have a good excuse for why I didn't write yesterday, apart from I was starting to feel depressed and didn't want to share my decent. I'm going to push through and say what I did, or try.

We got up and I took half a lorazapam knowing that we would be going shopping at the biggest shopping place near us. I only ate a little then we went out and went to boots first to get some aconite. From there we went inside the shop and started looking around including getting me a couple of bikinis which I tried on and stayed calm throughout. I did the whole shopping trip and I was okay and starving by the time we were done. I had started very nervous but used my bridging to help me.

Today T, Angel and I went for a walk to the park, I had 0 lorazapam, and felt a little shaky to begin with but I knew my mood was changing so I had the edge of that mood to hold me up and help push me through as well as that there weren't many people around. When we got to the park we fed a family of swans, the parents and seven cygnets. It was a wonderful sight and we got several photos. Then the cutest little duckling came up to me and I fed it from my hand and even got to stroke it. My panic vanished with all of that loveliness. We then had a really nice walk around the area and through Daisy Park.

T then went out to pick KR while I made lunch. KR has severe burns on his foot so he has been stuck in bored for the last few weeks and in a lot of pain. I invited him over to have our retro gaming afternoon, hoping I could pick up his mood as well as my own. T unfortunately seemed to be in a quieter and quieter mood as the afternoon went on and my mood began dipping down. By the time T took KR home, I was thinking about how I would hurt myself first. No point in starving myself because I have no appetite. I couldn't help but anticipate the feeling of me taking control. I can't get the pictures out of my head. I don't want to die, I just want to hurt a lot... at the moment. I want to push everyone away and have an evening by myself where only I can see how bad I hurt and how much I can tear myself apart.

I feel ugly and disgusting and I'm scared, yet again of needing to go have another tooth fixed. Even the thought of going on holiday isn't lifting me. I have my depressing music on a loop and I'm just looking forward to when T goes to bed and I'm alone.

Sleeping non-beauty

This morning thankfully I was feeling a little more with it, well, I was when I actually woke up. T and Angel were up at half 5 again and I didn't even hear them at all. It gets to me that I can be so unaware when I could spend that time getting my breakfast, going to the loo, showering, spending time on how I look (which needs a lot of work) and my hair. or working. But no, I lay in bad taking sleep I don't really need, I only artificially need because of the drugs. 


I wasn't hungry when I got up and my ears still hurt, but I wasn't feeling wiped out. I had very little to eat, maybe a biscuit and three crisps then we went out. I didn't take any lorazapam, I thought, that if I get too panicky while out I'll take some but until then I wont. We went to a retail park near our house in the car and parked up kind of in the middle so that we could walk to all the shops. (Usually I have to have the car parked outside of each shop we are in at the time we're in it which involves a lot of moving the car). We even walked to the furthest shop away and we didn't buy much, but we managed to pick me up and new lamp after mine died last night and a few other bits and bobs for our holiday which is two weeks yesterday. 


Once we had done our shopping and looking around we went over to my friend KR's house. (He majorly burned himself last week and he is feeling fed up stuck at home alone most of the time and in a lot of pain.)  He wasn't expecting us and we surprised them. It was the first time his mum had seen me since before I fell out with my mum. Seeing her pressed all kinds of buttons and the hug I promised KR but couldn't go through with, I felt I needed more than ever. Especially after being so stressed all morning with Angel acting up for her daddy.


When we got home and had food, I ended up going all drowsy again and falling asleep despite my best efforts not to. It's so so unlike me and I know for a fact it wasn't lorazapam today. My ears still do feel weird but I don't feel ill in myself. My dad and my sister turned up and I forced myself to wake up and stop being so damn lazy. I actually managed to eat a little food in front of them, don't remember the last time I ate in front of my dad. When they'd gone T was struggling with tiredness and his knees hurting so I pulled myself together and got ALL of the housework done then took a shower to realize that I haven't eaten, I'm not particular hungry but I can't take my meds on an empty tummy. Oh well. can't say I care right now........


I don't know why but at the moment, I feel distanced from T. I'm not sure whether I'm doing the distancing or we're growing apart (I hope not). It could possibly be that he is either working, doing housework or playing on his phone. He is also having to get up early every day because I can't which means that he's tired. We have even missed our date night this week, but he hasn't mentioned it. I'm asking too much, I'm always asking too much. I feel so alone, but maybe it's me pushing away. We don't seem to hold hands, sit together, kiss much or anything lately. Even suggesting sharing a shower, no, no interest. As I said tonight he is tired.
I will be starting to do all the housework, everything during the day so that when he gets home from work, he can do what he likes and not have to do chores before hand. I'm the wife and mum and this is my job and I've been being lazy, no wonder he's tired. 
Soon T and Angel will both be asleep, I'm going to sit down stairs alone. 


Supermarket shopping tomorrow the KR is coming for the day on Monday. 

A triumph

This morning, after sleeping with my special rose quartz (my friend gave to me) and my little hypnotherapy pouch, I was feeling a little better and a lot less depressed. I was reluctant to get up but when I did, the day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I actually had a very good morning. 


I came downstairs and had some breakfast then T went out to work and I decided to give Angel a bath and grab a quick cool shower while we was playing. We both got dry and dressed and then I felt my half a lorazapam that I took earlier starting to kick in. I'd taken it thinking it would make it easier to get out with P and that it wasn't none but it wasn't more than half so a middle ground, I would still have to work to keep the panic off but I wouldn't be alone fighting it. 


Anyway, I had to disturb P to get Angel's stroller out but even though she sat up and looked at us, she doesn't remember and she went straight back to sleep. I got the bags ready and the push chair, thinking that we could at least walk up to the post box and post the letters and maybe have a walk, that way if P doesn't get up until late and we miss out on doing anything together, me and Angel have at least got out and done something. 


It was a lot cooler outside and I was very thankful for that. We walked to the post box and I worked on my bridging as I was feeling anxious. After posting the letters I considered coming back home but Angel told me she wanted to go "That way" pointing towards the park. So I had a drink and indulged her, walking through the park and out onto the main road. I thought that seeing as I was near the chemist and feeling a lot more relaxed we would go in and get me some more energy tablets for the week. I did it all very calmly and we left there with me feeling relaxed and confident. So we walked round the edge of the big park and then out onto the main road and along the long street to the shops past the play center. (I don't want to give out names of places). They were quite busy and I had a little 'can i do this' thought before we went into the shop I wanted but I did it, I went inside and walked around leisurely, finding a few things for our holiday for Angel, a small fathers day present and the nappy bags that I went for in the first place. We payed after standing in a huge queue for a while (and still no panic) then we walked across the road to the bakery where I brought some sausage rolls for lunch and finally treated us to a big chocolate cake. (I've been thinking of getting one to try for ages as they're very very very well priced and look so Nommy!)


We then walked back home, via Daisy Park (renamed) and then the last few streets until we got back and P was up and nearly ready to go out. I'm sure I've said before that if I go out and come back home, I very very very rarely ever go back out again, well today I got the bag of bread ready, got Angel ready and myself and we went back out. I ate some crisps to keep my levels up and grazed on some sweets to keep my blood sugar going as well as sipping my drink. The park was a little busy but we enjoyed ourselves, throwing the bread for the geese an ducks and sometimes on them, which had us all cracked up in giggles while the poor thing tried to get the bread from its back. From there we decided to go back to Daisy Park as Daisies are P's favorite flower and there are thousands there. Angel and P ran around picking them and playing and I sat watching and taking a few photos. Then we went back home, realizing it was gone lunch time. 


I managed to eat a sausage room before I started to feel incredibly drowsy and out of it. I at first put it down to the lorazapam, but later realized it couldn't be because I hadn't had enough for it to have that effect, even a whole one doesn't do that to me. Angel was being a pain with her lunch and not eating and I didn't even have the energy to encourage her or get an alternative, I sat desperately trying to hold onto consciousness until T came home from work and took over. 


Once Angel was in her cot for her sleep, T helped me up the stairs (and I did need help, I literally couldn't stand up) and I just wrapped myself in blankets in a next on the floor of Angels room, and fell asleep. Apparently half an hour later T checked on me but I was totally out of it and didn't wake up for hours after that and then he damn near needed a hammer to get me back to consciousness. My ears were very red and hurting a lot and I couldn't hear properly. We realized it's my ears, probably inner ear infections which I am very prone to. I never ever sleep during the day, hang up from my mum. And I never EVER sleep with people around me apart from T and Angel, especially my sister who is connected to my mum so makes me feel more odd about things. That's how I knew something wasn't right and I think I would have been worried if I hadn't been out of it. 


I'm struggling now to stay awake again, and my keyboard is in risk of being squashed when I fall asleep on it so I need to stop here. At least I managed to get out and get some work done today. I'm hoping for a nice weekend and that I will perk up and be able to go out. 

From bad to worse

Here I go again, not knowing what to write but needing to get things out. Apologies for scattered thoughts and sentances, my tablets have also kicked in and are making me very tired, but I need to talk this out.

This evening my sister is staying over, it was a last minute thing that we decided because she's been feeling very depressed and needs some cheering up. I wasn't so nervous when she first got here, but couldn't eat very much. Once Angel was in bed I made the mistake of having a bit of a play with a hoola hoop I found earlier (finding it much much harder then I remember it being!) Then a skipping rope. I made the huge mistake that I haven't made since I was in school aged 12. I pushed myself too hard and ended up having a major panic attack, I got to the point I almost had to run to the bathroom, I could taste the taste in my mouth and I know if I hadn't been emetophobic and resistant then I would have been ill. My tummy still doesn't feel right and to top it off it's starting hurting a lot. I'm also getting chest pains, probably thanks to my irregular heart, which sometimes doesn't like me exercising too much. My lungs are still unhappy and I just feel stupid, for thinking I was having fun when I was fucking myself up so much.

P wants to go out tomorrow, swimming. But at the moment even getting out of the door is a challenge again.

I just realized sitting here writing that I meant to go out today, at least to the shop, but I haven't been out at all. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. My taste of freedom feels like it's coming to an end and I'm not even fighting it. I dropped from maybe as many as three lorazapam tablets a week (at most) down to not even half a week and it's hit me hard, that I can't do this without. I don't have the drive or the strength or courage. My sister called me brave tonight, which surprised me, because that is the last thing I would call myself.

Yes, I have dropped the lorazapam right down to barely anything, but I have also stopped going out again. I feel like I can't. After my attempt yesterday which made me panic a lot and feel very ill and now this today. I don't know, it could happen at any time, I'm never safe. It feels like I'm being chased down. Something will ill me because I'm not supposed to be here.

Tonight I found out that my nannies partner has cancer and it's inoperable. I have never been very close to him, but of course I care. Even though my mind whispers that I'm a sociopath, I'm sure I do care, because I do and not because I know I should. It gets so confusing. Who knows what is real and isn't. If, no when he dies, there will be the funeral. That means being there for my nanny, but having to be near my mum. Yes I am selfish enough to be thinking of myself. I hate the person who I am, the more I realize about myself the more I hate. My uncle (nannies son) is also in and out of hospital with his pancreas. He is a long story, so to cut it short, he is an alcoholic who turned to drink because of all his mental problems, he's had them all his life like me. His dad, my granddad, also had them, he committed suicide before I was born and then my other uncle S followed in his footsteps exactly when I was about 9. I remember not being aloud to go to his funeral. I remember the day we learned he'd taken his own life and remember how although I was upset because he had been close, I was pleased he no longer hurt, because even at 9 I knew hurt when it is on the inside and you can't run away from it, it is you, you are the fear. R my uncle who is unwell, has been trying to kill himself since S died. It shook him to the core and he wanted to join him, no wants to join him. R and I suffer very similar things and he has never shook them which makes me feel I won't. He has tried so many methods of dying and doesn't seem to succeed through one reason or another. He has found the final escape route by slowly and steadily killing himself with drink, and it's working.

I can't think straight, there are drunks outside the house, and I'm terrified of hearing them be ill, terrified I'll go outside in the morning and find it. Terrified of the germs all around me, the feeling of things inside me, getting me.

My urges have come back and laying here tonight, not wanting to sleep, or eat to kill the rumbly feeling in my tummy, I just want to give in. The song 'sleep well, my Angel' comes back to mind and my mood slips lower.  

T has told me to take some lorazapam tomorrow so I can at least try to do something, but I'm terrified, I just want the  lorazapam to take it all away and leave me free again. Tonight is a night for giving up.

Fighting a losing battle.

Today I'd planned to walk to a shopping place on my own with Angel. I knew already last night that I wouldn't. That id be too scared to actually go walking somewhere alone. In case I felt faint and dizzy or passed out. I knew T was at home though so maybe I should have tried and he would have picked me up if I got too bad. The temptation with him working from home though is always that he can help me out. Knowing that id be asking him to take us in the car to the shopping place I didn't take any lorazapam. I had some aconite and some breakfast and got Angel ready. The original plan had been for T to sit in the food place they have there and use their free wifi but it was closed so he ended up sitting in the car right outside the shops I wanted to go in, which of course was better, no easier for me. I went into one shop and looked around then decided to walk a distance to one I hadn't planned to go in. I felt a bit anxious but did it then went into a shoe shop to look for sandals for Angel. We decided on some pretty silver ones and some pink glittery jellies just like I'd had when I was little. Angel then spotted sone pretty sparkly silver shoes. She said they were pretty and they were in ny size and reduced so I tried them on and fell on love with them, wore them all day since. T went into work this afternoon and Angel and I had a quiet afternoon with her actually napping and me managing to get some work done. At the moment I'm lying in bed trying to dedice what to do tomorrow. Too scared to make any real commitments and not believing I will end up doing anything much. It's supposed to rain tomorrow but I'm not sure that will help my predicament unless it really cools the air. I need to beat this fear down and get back on the horse but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Yet another hot day

As you may have guessed from the title, today was another roasting day. As soon as I got up this morning, I knew it would be a scorcher, my head was very dizzy and I skipped breakfast to sort out the stuff I sold on Ebay. By the time I got round to breakfast it was late and I was feeling crappy and snappy. T went out and I asked him to take the ebay stuff and send it for me. I decided that I was going to stay in, even a trip to the post box didn't appeal. But at least I felt less depressed than last night. 

Angel and I had some food then we sat outside and I set up her little table with an umbrella and chairs and we did some colouring and then sticking and she amazed me with her ability to tell difference between big and small and as well as her colours she now understands light and dark variations. The only little problem there is that I'm ever so slightly colour blind, but Angel now tells me the colours so I don't get confused. 

After a nice time sitting outside and the later time of T leaving  I was surprised to see that it was nearly lunch time. So I decided to try something new for lunch that Angel hadn't had before. While I made the lunch Angel surprised me yet again and made m proud by picking up a cup and showing me she could drink out of it properly, without spilling any- until she got so excited and proud of herself that she jumped up and down and threw it over herself and the floor but unlike my mother, I wasn't bothered, just giggled and knew it would dry, it was only water. 

I then served buttered bread with chicken soup and took a gamble with giving Angel her own little bowl. She was amazing, although she hadn't had soup before she knew what she was doing and dipped her bread and ate it all, had to refill the bowl three times. I think she ate as much as if not more than I did. So she was aloud strawberries for dessert and a few sweeties. 

During her nap I got a good amount of work done and a few people picked up some ebay items. Then this evening after Angel's 'nap' we sat outside at her table again and she played playdoh and colouring with her friend. I found I ended up looking after both children sometimes though and my blood sugar dropped so I was feeling pretty rough. Angel eventually ended up falling over and we came in and had some much needed dinner. 

Tomorrow, I'm thinking of doing something better, much better than today anyway. I'm really really hoping for a lot cooler weather and hopefully some cloud cover so that I can get out to go into town or a shopping park to get Angel some sandals and just generally have a look round, out and about. 

I have gotten the bags ready, I have the pushchair and the pram in the house, I have my clothes ready, a choice of two different outfits and I have some outfits for Angel. I will do some hypnotherapy after my sit-ups. Now fingers crossed for the weather. 

Today

Today started so well, I woke up to look at my phone and realized that I'd sold all the things listed on e-bay last Saturday night and earned over £100.

T was in a bit of a bad mood thought and Angel had had him up early and me being lazy on my meds hadn't even heard them get up. I ffing hate that. I hate being made to be lazy. I want to come off these meds.

We had intended to go out to a park today but it as usual didn't turn out that way. Angel was in a grotty mood which we thought would pass when we went out as is usually does, so we got ready and drove up the road to a shop to get a few things. I was a little nervous but just dealt with it. I felt very odd when I got back into the car though bu realized that my blood sugar had dropped low enough to make me feel ill so I had some crisps (carbohydrate and salt) and some sweets for the sugar to spike me back up while the carbohydrate was kicking in. T was going to drop me off home before we went to a another big store to look for some shoes for himself but although I was still dizzy I decided I knew I wasn't ill ill, or anxious so I said to carry on past the house and out of town the other way. When we got there, I was a little worried about going into such a huge place but I wanted to show myself that I could do it. Last time i went there I ended up waiting outside for the whole time and that was on lorazapam, this time I was on nothing and wanted to see how far I've come. I got out still feeling a little wobbly and went in, inside it was cool thankfully. The shoes were all upstairs and I was very very unsure about going up there. T gave me the prefect scapegoat, he told me to stay downstairs with Angel and look around but I gathered my courage together, held Angels hand and forced myself up the stairs. I felt quiet anxious up there, but I refused to think of getting out to the car as an option, like I have no option in the week when it's just me and Angel and we have no safety net of the car. Angel was still feeling very stroppy and miraculously it was her tantrum that broke me of my panic as I had to deal with bit because T was busy trying on shoes. Unfortunately she had several more tantrums and I ended up carrying her down the stairs over my shoulder (thankfully feeling less dizzy). I was fine from then onward and completely calm, even travelling back home in a very hot car with a very moody little girl who had another tantrum in the car. Conclusion is that she hates with weather, she's joined my hating the hot sun club, and I can't blame her.

At home I cooked lunch while T put up the little pool for Angel and then we ate lunch, well T and I ate lunch, Angel wasn't keen an after an half an hour battle to get her to eat one piece of fried potato we gave up. She went into the pool and played for a while then we put her in her cot for a nap. A nap that she didn't have and after an hour of watching her writhing about and playing stupid games in her cot we got her up, argued then T took Angel out to get a few things while I did the housework and managed a quick shower.

I'm worried about this week, How I will cope with Angel feeling so low and so crappy because of my blood sugar and blood pressure. I've had enough of these tablets and this weather.

Another day in the sun

Today was another hot sunny day. I knew as soon as I got up that wasn't going to like it. I was worried about going shopping in such hot weather, knowing that if I had a panic I wouldn't have the car as my safe space like I usually use it as, because it would be way to hot to sit in there even with the doors open. T helped me set a few other goals instead and he took Angel out shopping. 
So Goal 1 was to walk up to the post box alone and post a stack of letters. I went out with sweets and snacks in my bag as well as two cool drinks and walked to the post box. It wasn't too much of a push and although I was worried about the weather I wasn't really panicky. That is despite having two pancakes for breakfast, piled high with lemon curd and some of T's cold turkey burgers, odd breakfast but nice. 


The second, extended goal that we set but didn't expect me to do was to go up to the post office and buy some stamps. I had my zen music player listening to because I was alone and  decided to walk up that way anyway as it was all in the shade and I thought whether I managed to get there properly it would be a nice cool walk. At the corner I took a deep breath, had a sweetie and carried on up to the main road and into the post office. There wasn't anyone in the actually post office part so I went up to the desk and asked the man for what I wanted which took a while, then I paid, sorted the stamps into my purse and went back round the corner and down the road to the shaded way home. At the little park I decided to go out onto the main road and just carry on walking along, I was happy and calm and content just walking along with the slight breeze in the sun with my music on munching my snacks. I was on half a lorazapam because I'd intended to go out with T and Angel shopping but this was the first time even on Lorazapam that I had gone out after eating properly and not panicked. 


I was going to talk about something else, a much harder subject for me, but I just deleted it all and wrote this instead. I guess I'm not ready just yet. 


Tonight T and I are having our belated date night, watching the eurovision song contest, Im soooo excited, I love the Eurovision song contest!!!!!!!!!! I've probably already said that. I have candy and chocolate and snacks and I'm ready for it now, only an hour to wait. Yay! 

A short catch up

Today has been an odd day, Apart from popping around to the chip shop to get some lunch for me and Angel and playing out the front we haven't been out today. On the up side, its another day with no lorazapam and dealt with the heat without feeling faint. I also realized that although going to the shop and out in the road may not seem like an incredibly big challenge now, it used to be a massive one. Especially after I'd eaten, or if it was too hot or there were many people around etc. Today I went out even after eating chocolate, which is a big thing for me especially after my sister. (but I won't go into that because I don't want to trigger other Emetophobics). So yeah a day spent playing with Angel lots and lots of housework as usual.

I know I'm not fat, but I am getting fatter and  hate it. I will not end up looking like my mum. I know people keep telling me I'm not fat but I know my own body and I can tell there is extra fat around my belly and my thighs and I will ffing get rid of it. I don't intend to diet or change my eating because for me the main thing is that I enjoy what I eat and I don't need another eating disorder, however I will be trying to work some of it off, so I don't have to be ashamed of myself. I don't need any more excuse to hate myself.

Tomorrow we need to go to the supermarket and do our weekly shop and I need to go to a chemist and get some more aconite and lavender oil. After having  day off today and how bad I've been all week, I'm very worried about it. But I already know I'll cheat and take some lorazapam. Not as much as I have been if I can help it, but some.

How have two days passed again?

How on earth have two days passed again since I last blogged? I don't know where the time is going just lately but I don't seem to get anything done except the necessary house things like washing, hoovering, cleaning, tidying, lardee dar. As for my writing and knitting and all my other things I love, barely getting done.

Yesterday the plan had been to go out with my little sister to town to look around with Angel. However with what happened on Tuesday with nearly fainting, I was very worried about it. I told her that I would get up in the morning and decide how I felt and let her know and that she could still come round if she wanted to. I was very worried about letting her down in any way because of the argument over a year ago, part of it was about that. About how I mess people around all the time, never stick to what I say I'm going to do and letting people down. I also didn't want it getting back to my mum how stupid and useless I was being. T text my sister initially to tell her I wasn't well and she appeared to be fine about it but I think she was a pissed a bit.

Yesterday morning I woke up and I wasn't up to it anyway, so I text her and told her and she said she would come over here anyway. My friend came to see me and the P turned up just after so I didn't get to see much of my friend. I was a little anxious about P being with us. I always get more anxious, about showing my weaknesses and my stupidness to her. I refused to take any lorazapam and I kept reminding myself that I was in my own home, I'm okay here, I'm safe and it took it down a bit. I managed to eat lunch and we got on fairly well although I can never shake the feeling that there is a chasm between us caused by mum that we can never close. We had a giggle and generally caught up and Angel showed off to her auntie what she's been missing not spending time with us as well as how clever and lovely and amazing she is, (of course I'm rather bias).

Today I woke up feeling faint....again and was really annoyed with it, but thankfully the sun was hidden behind a misty bank of cloud and it was less hot and a lot less bright because of that. I put on some dark jeans and a bright pink top, tied my hair up high like I mean't business and after waiting for a drunk to remove himself from my road I got Angel into her pushchair and I decided to go for a little walk and see how I felt. I was only intending to walk a little and that was all, maybe to the end of the next road along, but once I got to the bottom the weather seemed fair enough that I wanted to carry on. I'd had biscuits, a little porridge and some toast and a sugary drink before going out and I was keeping drinking and nibbling so I felt not great but okay. I walked to the post box, although I had nothing to post but Angel said she wanted to go that way, then we went through the park, again at Angel's request. We walked out onto the main road and I decided that it wasn't much further to go up to the doctors to get my prescription. I crossed the big main road and walked up there. The doctors was very hot but mostly empty thankfully so I could get the script and go. By the time we got back down to the chemist I was feeling very panicky and almost left actually getting the meds. I concentrated on filling out the forms then finding my prepayment card and then forced myself to go inside, thinking if I can't stay I can always ask to pick them up later. I handed them over and sat down with Angel, she wanted more snack so I put some more into her snack pot, then logged in my whereabouts on 4square and text a friend to distract myself. I was in a  bad way though, scratching and digging my nails into my wrist, bypassing the elastic bands. I almost bolted a few times. But I stopped and evaluated it, how am I feeling now? Panicky, not ill, I kept telling myself, and looked around, looking at the things the shop sold and what colours they were. They called me finally and  was still panicking but not as bad when I left the shop moments later. Instead of going the easy way home I decided despite the panic to go the long way along the main road and up through the park, past the post box and home.
By the time I got back I was okay and then my friend came round a very short while after we got back. Usually that would bother me, but it didn't at all. We sat talking and laughing and watched our little girls playing.

I was terrified of today because T was in a training course which meant he was over an hour away from home and out from 8 until half past 5, although it turned out to be gone 6 in the end because of traffic. I begged him not to go this morning but as soon as he said sorry and left the house, I knew I needed to get my act together for my Angel and I got going, sorted myself out and managed going out, looking after Angel, myself, the animals and doing all of the housework before T got home. Angel got to play with Phia and her other friend Sade. Overall I thought it was going to be horrid, but actually despite the hot weather we had a nice day.

I have no idea what I'm planning for tomorrow yet, I think I will just see how I feel in the morning. I'm thinking no big challenges like going into town, maybe just a walk or something, there is always a letter to post.

Not a great day so far.

This morning, I thought that my hardest task for the day was getting motivated to go out and push myself after my panic the last few days. It was difficult, I started it was a nice cool bath/shower with Angel and we spent some time playing in the water. Then we got ready to go out, I'd overestimated how many clothes Angel needed to wear for the weather and had to take a few back off her. Then we went out on foot, no more than a few steps around the corner and Angel announced she was too hot and wanted to go in her pushchair instead. So we came back and grabbed her pink stroller which meant I could also take Angel's bag and some bread for the ducks and potentially go a lot further than originally planned if I could get the panic under control. I was very anxious on the way up to the post box, but once we got there angel pointed towards the little park, I don't like to not indulge her preferences so despite my anxiety that went in that direction. The park was really hot because there is no shade there, but it smelled of summer and there were lots of birds around. I decided I didn't feel up to going as far as the big park so we threw out some bread for the birds and then carried on walking through the little park. When we got onto the main road I decided I felt up to walking along the canal and we head in that direction. Unfortinately we only got halfway there before I started to feel faint, so I turned to go back home knowing that I wasn't in a fit state to walk all the way along the canal in the hot sun with my blood pressure dropping with the heat. 


I managed to get home without fainting but only just and when I got home I wasn't able to walk anymore and had to sit down for a while. I decided that with how bad it was, and I have always suffered with low blood pressure before but this was a lot worse, that I should e-mail my doctor. I decided to ask him about the lorazapam dosage too. He e-mailed me back right away and he said that there isn't anything he can do for the low blood pressure, and that it's low blood pressure and low blood sugar and I will just be very prone to fainting and that I HAVE to keep eating to keep my sugar levels up. He said I need to take snacks out with me and basically keep topped up. Well I don't usually eat when I'm going out, so I doubt I'll do that. I kinda knew that something would come along to knock me back down. If it wasn't mental it would be physical, and here it is. Even just standing outside watching Angel play ended up with me having to sit down or fall down. 


As for the lorazapam, he said that I can't OD on it, so he is't worried about that, however he recommend that I lower my dosage and stop taking it all together as soon as I'm comfortable with it. Well I won't ever be. But I don't see the problem there have been people on it far longer than I have been and on much much higher dosages and through several pregnancies. i'm on barely anything compared to the vast majority of people. 


Now I'm sitting listening to my little girl singing while she is supposed to be sleeping and hoping I can get at least a little work done. I am sitting in the coolest room of the house and keeping my temp down, but I'm too scared too eat too much so I guess energy tablets it is.