I cancelled with KR this morning after much thought, but in hindsight although I managed to take Angel out to the post box, I did nothing else and I could have had him over. However with how lazy I'm feeling right now, I guess that's probably what at least a part of it was down to.
When I took Angel to the post box, the weather was manky and wet and I had to put her in her full weather suit just to go on a short journey. I'd intended to go to K's on the way back from the post box but I wasn't feeling great with being dizzy and lightheaded, or I convinced myself I wasn't. I think I'm losing touch with what's real and whats in my head. I didn't have the confidence to ask them to come here, so Angel and I had another quiet day, mostly stuck in and beginning to get bored. Angel kept asking me on the walk back home, if we could go see Phia, "Phia pease Mummy," was what she kept saying and it broke my heart that I had to tell her no, and simply because of my own fear of being dizzy or feeling ill. I ended up walking the last stretch in tears and telling her no I couldn't take her, I'm sorry. I did mange to do the post box on no lorazapam and I forgot to take aconite so I was on nothing and had had a small breakfast. I got a little edgy because, despite the nasty weather, everyone and their dog seemed to be out and about. It was really busy and it never usually is.
Angel is really beginning to get bored of being stuck in and can't blame her, so am I. I feel like I'm suffocating with the pressure of the weather and the dark suffocating air. I looked at the forecast and it is supposed to be like this until at least Saturday so I need to suck it up and get on with it. Sometimes my weakness is shocking and terribly disappointing. I need to do better for Angel, she deserves better. I need to do this. I feel like I'm falling again.
I really really wish I could wake up tomorrow with the get-up and go to power me, to make me capable of doing the things I need to get done, of just treating Angel to some time out.
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Oh yes one last thing, this is the song that my mum thinks of when she thinks of me and our relationship. ironically, it's the same song, or one of them that I think of in relation to her too. It's called 'Oceans' by 'Evanescence' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUAcjnqUZzE <-----Youtube link complete with words. (A secret about me that barely anyone knows... I sound like Amy Lee when I sing, but barely anyone has ever heard me sing, even my husband has only heard me on a recording and by accident)
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