Bored of the pressure

The title is spot on for how I'm feeling today. I'm bored by the stupid pressure in the air, making me have a headache and making my blood pressure play up. 


I cancelled with KR this morning after much thought, but in hindsight although I managed to take Angel out to the post box, I did nothing else and I could have had him over. However with how lazy I'm feeling right now, I guess that's probably what at least a part of it was down to. 


When I took Angel to the post box, the weather was manky and wet and I had to put her in her full weather suit just to go on a short journey. I'd intended to go to K's on the way back from the post box but I wasn't feeling great with being dizzy and lightheaded, or I convinced myself I wasn't. I think I'm losing touch with what's real and whats in my head. I didn't have the confidence to ask them to come here, so Angel and I had another quiet day, mostly stuck in and beginning to get bored. Angel kept asking me on the walk back home, if we could go see Phia, "Phia pease Mummy," was what she kept saying and it broke my heart that I had to tell her no, and simply because of my own fear of being dizzy or feeling ill. I ended up walking the last stretch in tears and telling her no I couldn't take her, I'm sorry. I did mange to do the post box on no lorazapam and I forgot to take aconite so I was on nothing and had had a small breakfast. I got a little edgy because, despite the nasty weather, everyone and their dog seemed to be out and about. It was really busy and it never usually is. 


Angel is really beginning to get bored of being stuck in and  can't blame her, so am I. I feel like I'm suffocating with the pressure of the weather and the dark suffocating air. I looked at the forecast and it is supposed to be like this until at least Saturday so I need to suck it up and get on with it. Sometimes my weakness is shocking and terribly disappointing. I need to do better for Angel, she deserves better. I need to do this. I feel like I'm falling again. 


I really really wish I could wake up tomorrow with the get-up and go to power me, to make me capable of doing the things I need to get done, of just treating Angel to some time out. 

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Oh yes one last thing, this is the song that my mum thinks of when she thinks of me and our relationship. ironically, it's the same song, or one of them that I think of in relation to her too. It's called 'Oceans' by 'Evanescence' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUAcjnqUZzE <-----Youtube link complete with words. (A secret about me that barely anyone knows... I sound like Amy Lee when I sing, but barely anyone has ever heard me sing, even my husband has only heard me on a recording and by accident)

Jet lagged

Yesterday was a very very mixed day, I think I was still under the influence of the meds from the travel home. It feels like I was jet lagged. After my rough night in Angel's room T let me sleep in for a few hours then I got up and K, A, Phia and the boys came over. We gave them their presents and caught up somewhat but as much as I love them to bits, I can't recall much from the morning, only giggling, hugs and a kiss :)

After some lunch, a shower and a rest I felt more with it and in the afternoon we decided to go over to K's house to see them for a while. I was feeling very full still from a biggish lunch which I'd wolfed down and was extremely anxious as a result. I didn't have any medication. We took the car so I could run out to it if I needed to, but I was still so nervous and panicky when we first got there. K showed me around and that helped calm me a little, and playing with the water snake also helped. Just silly small distractions and eventually I calmed down enough to relax completely and was reluctant to come home again.

I have no idea what happened to my mood once we got home, but it went downhill drastically and T and I ended up having an argument just after Angel went to bed. I was feeling pissed off again because of the way T treats her and the things she gets away with while I try to keep to what is best for us when he is at work and I put everything into her and its all I want Daddy, fuck you mummy. (She doesn't actually say that but acts that was metaphorically.) It made me feel like shit and I shut myself in the kitchen with all the washing up and cleaning that needed doing and got out a few knifes which I was intending to use on myself, more out of frustration than anything else. T came into the kitchen a moment later and apologized and I no longer felt like hurting myself, but I was still angry. For some reason I wasn't calming down from that state of mind and the more I was alone the more I wanted to be on my own until hearing Angel crying out for her daddy over and over because she felt poorly and I wasn't good enough, I' had enough. I went into the bedroom and lay down and cried. I as itching to take out my blade and end it all. I wanted to ask for help but I wanted to be left to do it, to get it over with and leave.
T came upstairs just before I did anything, again and lay down behind me, while I just cried and half wished for him to leave the room and half hoped he'd stay.

It was all a blur for a while until I remember sitting downstairs wrapped up in my dressing gown, with my notepad in my hand, working away. K had been texting and had helped talk me down and T had done exactly the right thing. I decided to go to bed early, thinking that a lot of how I felt probably was due to tiredness. However I gulped down a load of cold squash and ended up giving my tummy a chill I think, it felt horrible and it started me off panicking and I ended up getting up and coming downstairs. I slept on the sofa wrapped in my blankets. This morning I was going to get up with Angel and T but T suggested I go back to bed to set me up better for the day and give me a better chance of coping.

I got up about half past ten in the end and I did feel a lot better for the longer sleep after nights of disturbed sleep and lots of sedative side affects. I wasn't up long before I declared that I needed to go out and get some money for the next few weeks, so I have some change in my purse. We got in the car on no meds and went up to the supermarket nearby, we got out of the car, got money from the cash point then we inside the shop and I went a certain amount in, even feeling dizzy because of my ears. I didn't go all the way around but  I didn't expect to be going inside at all, so I didn't mind.

The rest of today has involved cooking, cleaning and more cleaning, now followed by some work.
Angel is sitting up in bed crying and crying out for her daddy in a really whiny way and I'm beginning to lose my rag but trying to stay calm. I'm just so fed up of hearing her moan and wail all the time.
I want to go out and walk and get some air but I can't even do that because I've eaten.

Going to try and finish this quick and sit outside for 5 mins to avoid feeling like I want to hurt myself.

A rainy day

Today has been a very rainy day. Angel, T and I were supposed to be going out to help with a big clean up of the area which my friend had organised. T woke me up much earlier than I usually manage to wake up for, telling me that his knees were very painful and he needed me to get up and help. I reluctantly but valiantly dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to wake up. I was downstairs, putting washing on, making coffee and breakfast for everyone not fifteen minutes later. With T's knees being so bad he wasn't up to helping out on the clean-up and I wasn't feeling brave enough to go alone and felt like I was letting my friend down, but she was thankfully okay with it. 


The rain thrashed down throughout a lot of the day so Angel and I didn't end up going out anywhere apart from to the shop to pick up some batches and some press-studs (I know, weird combo). I'd eaten before we went to the shop but I kept calm and managed it fine. 


Angel was being a terror at lunch time and refusing to eat. She then began to purposely ignore me and I lost my temper and went upstairs to clean everything I could find while T looked after Angel while he worked. I cleaned Angel's floor, changed her bed, cleaned the tank in her room and the filter, cleaned out the tanks in our room and their filters, polished the surfaces, tidied up books and blankets and set up the cot for Angel's nap. I don't know why but I keep feeling the need to clean, which I guess is better then self-harming, although it burns far more calories. 

The last thing I wanted to write about was my reoccurring ghost dream. ***Weirdo alert*** I've always seen things not many other people can -that's another story - but when I was at primary school late one night when I'd stayed back to help out with some things for a concert or group and walking past one of the classrooms, I spotted a girl standing near one of the desks, looking towards me. I backed up and took another look, to find there was no one there. After the first time I saw her, I saw her around the same area, near the swimming pool and in the changing rooms and classrooms next to them various times. I always felt prickly and very aware when I was in that area of the school. I hadn't really thought about it after I left over 12 years ago but then two nights ago I dreamt of the little girl standing in the corridor near the swimming pool, staring at me, I was walking past with a friend and she was just watching out into the pool area. I realised that she'd tempted a child into the pool and he was drowning under the pool cover, unable to get out and he wasn't the first one she'd killed. Time snapped again and I was standing there alone and there was no one drowning but I knew she was still there. From somewhere, the knowledge that she'd been killed by a teacher and either buried under the where the swimming pool was built or drowned in the pool not long after it was built came to my mind and the teachers image who I recognized right away, the same teacher having pushed me under the water in the pool for a few seconds in punishment for talking. 


The dream was very vivid but because I'd had emetophobic dreams that night as well, I hadn't really thought much of it, only it was a little odd and out of the blue.


Last night, I had the same dream except this time T was there and a few more friends and we were looking for the girl. She only appeared when I was left alone and I felt very edgy and fearful again. I've not been able to get the vivid pictures out of my head today, I have no idea why, but even during my editing and my time with Angel, I kept finding myself back there again, standing with the little girl, looking out of the window at the pool, feeling on edge and scared. 


It's very odd and I'm hoping that tonight, the same dream won't happen again, I'm already feeling a dragging feeling pulling me towards the school and if it was possible I know I'd be visiting there right now. I'm not thinking anything into it right now, only how strange it is and jumping at every shadow. 

Old music

Yesterday morning I wasn't feeling too confident, the weather was hot again and I wasn't at all keen on going out. I talked myself into at least walking up to the post box to post some letters and I took bread with me, in case I was feeling confident and okay enough to walk across to the big park to feed the ducks with Angel. I was quite anxious but it was a different sort of anxiety, where I actually felt like I felt ill rather than panicked. Angel told me once we managed to get to the post box that she wanted to go into the park, she actually asked for the "park pease mummy, pease." How could I say no. I went that way with her and we walked around the grass together and she went about picking loads and loads of daisies for her daddy and putting them in the stroller. After a while I felt calm enough to walk back home, it was very sweet, we walked back holding hands while I struggled to keep the stroller going in a straight line, but it was one of the sweet memories that just felt so nice. 

Back at home Angel went about making my day very hard and stressful because her daddy was at home working for the first time in ages and that queued her playing up as she seems to do when it's both of us around. I'm not sure if she only does it because of T ad she would behave that way regardless of me being around or not, or whether it is because we were both here. She calmed down after her nap thankfully though and during her nap, apart from getting two of my chapters edited, T and I sat together and went looking again for a holiday to go on as he has got over 4 weeks of holiday leave to take before the end of September. 

When we'd looked the other day we hadn't found very much and I'd been very very very disappointed. However, yesterday we looked and I managed to find something in Norfolk, right on the coast for a very good price and even better we have a two story apartment to ourselves, so OCD and phobia are covered off in terms of accommodation as well as how well it will work for Angel and her sleeping patterns. 

Needless to say, when we booked it and T booked the time off work and everything was confirmed that it's going ahead, mine and T's first holiday in over 2years and Angels first ever holiday, so our first ever holiday as a family, I bounced around the room loads and squealed and jumped and bounced and danced and jiggled. I love love love love holidays. There is a certain freedom I feel on holiday that I can't achieve at home. It's like a fresh start every time, no OCD patterns,no memories of bad things in the place we'e staying and if anything does go wrong the people I see there, I will probably never see again. I tend to feel more confident with how I dress and how daring I am. It's also the setting for a few of my books so I am looking forward to reading them while I'm sitting in the exact place they're set at. 

........But at the same time, I'm terrified of them. Where to start with my explanation? Well... every single holiday we had as a family, at least one person was sick. I have a track record of getting a virus because panicking about it for so long before hand wears me down. But I meant vomiting. Every time we went on holiday as a family; me, my sister, mum and dad, me or P or both would get sick. We had all the odds against us really, with us both suffering very badly from travel sickness and P having a valve wrong in her stomach which meant the over eating and indulgent food would make her sick and our parents didn't bother to stop her eating as much when we were on holiday. With me still being bad at travelling I'm thinking of e-mailing the doctor to get some diazapam and some extra travel sickness tablets to dose up for the four hours travelling part. I'm terrified of that part, but at least I know Angel should be okay, especially with her DVD player set to play Peppa Pig in the back of the car. 

The other thing I remember was mum always going in a mood and ruining things for at least a day that we were there. I hope I won't follow in her footsteps. 

At the moment I'm flitting between being so excited I can't sleep even with my meds working! And terrified and worried. I prefer the excitement. 

Today I woke up feeling very very dizzy and ended up stuck on the sofa for most of the morning so far, which is annoying because I have cards to pop around to a K's house. I'm hoping that I'm going to feel better as the day goes on but it doesn't bode well. At least I'm alone so Angel is behaving for me. 

The very last thing then, is old music. In our excitement last night T and I found out a load of our old music and started playing songs we hadn't heard in a long long time. I realized that a few of my compilation CD's with songs from 6 years ago are dying so I'm in the process of listening to them, identifying the song and the artists and looking them up to get them again. 

I'd better go, poor Angel has been good so far but she is getting bored so I will go and try to focus on playing with her and not falling over. Hopefully we can play a quiet game on the floor.