Old music

Yesterday morning I wasn't feeling too confident, the weather was hot again and I wasn't at all keen on going out. I talked myself into at least walking up to the post box to post some letters and I took bread with me, in case I was feeling confident and okay enough to walk across to the big park to feed the ducks with Angel. I was quite anxious but it was a different sort of anxiety, where I actually felt like I felt ill rather than panicked. Angel told me once we managed to get to the post box that she wanted to go into the park, she actually asked for the "park pease mummy, pease." How could I say no. I went that way with her and we walked around the grass together and she went about picking loads and loads of daisies for her daddy and putting them in the stroller. After a while I felt calm enough to walk back home, it was very sweet, we walked back holding hands while I struggled to keep the stroller going in a straight line, but it was one of the sweet memories that just felt so nice. 

Back at home Angel went about making my day very hard and stressful because her daddy was at home working for the first time in ages and that queued her playing up as she seems to do when it's both of us around. I'm not sure if she only does it because of T ad she would behave that way regardless of me being around or not, or whether it is because we were both here. She calmed down after her nap thankfully though and during her nap, apart from getting two of my chapters edited, T and I sat together and went looking again for a holiday to go on as he has got over 4 weeks of holiday leave to take before the end of September. 

When we'd looked the other day we hadn't found very much and I'd been very very very disappointed. However, yesterday we looked and I managed to find something in Norfolk, right on the coast for a very good price and even better we have a two story apartment to ourselves, so OCD and phobia are covered off in terms of accommodation as well as how well it will work for Angel and her sleeping patterns. 

Needless to say, when we booked it and T booked the time off work and everything was confirmed that it's going ahead, mine and T's first holiday in over 2years and Angels first ever holiday, so our first ever holiday as a family, I bounced around the room loads and squealed and jumped and bounced and danced and jiggled. I love love love love holidays. There is a certain freedom I feel on holiday that I can't achieve at home. It's like a fresh start every time, no OCD patterns,no memories of bad things in the place we'e staying and if anything does go wrong the people I see there, I will probably never see again. I tend to feel more confident with how I dress and how daring I am. It's also the setting for a few of my books so I am looking forward to reading them while I'm sitting in the exact place they're set at. 

........But at the same time, I'm terrified of them. Where to start with my explanation? Well... every single holiday we had as a family, at least one person was sick. I have a track record of getting a virus because panicking about it for so long before hand wears me down. But I meant vomiting. Every time we went on holiday as a family; me, my sister, mum and dad, me or P or both would get sick. We had all the odds against us really, with us both suffering very badly from travel sickness and P having a valve wrong in her stomach which meant the over eating and indulgent food would make her sick and our parents didn't bother to stop her eating as much when we were on holiday. With me still being bad at travelling I'm thinking of e-mailing the doctor to get some diazapam and some extra travel sickness tablets to dose up for the four hours travelling part. I'm terrified of that part, but at least I know Angel should be okay, especially with her DVD player set to play Peppa Pig in the back of the car. 

The other thing I remember was mum always going in a mood and ruining things for at least a day that we were there. I hope I won't follow in her footsteps. 

At the moment I'm flitting between being so excited I can't sleep even with my meds working! And terrified and worried. I prefer the excitement. 

Today I woke up feeling very very dizzy and ended up stuck on the sofa for most of the morning so far, which is annoying because I have cards to pop around to a K's house. I'm hoping that I'm going to feel better as the day goes on but it doesn't bode well. At least I'm alone so Angel is behaving for me. 

The very last thing then, is old music. In our excitement last night T and I found out a load of our old music and started playing songs we hadn't heard in a long long time. I realized that a few of my compilation CD's with songs from 6 years ago are dying so I'm in the process of listening to them, identifying the song and the artists and looking them up to get them again. 

I'd better go, poor Angel has been good so far but she is getting bored so I will go and try to focus on playing with her and not falling over. Hopefully we can play a quiet game on the floor.