Down

I didn't end up getting the time to write my blog yesterday, I was kept busy with re-editing my first novel.
We didn't end up going very far, we decided to go for a short drive up the road to the retail park to pick up a few things from one of the shops there. We brought Angel a sandpit and some play sand which she's absolutely fascinated by. I didn't take lorazapam for going out and we weren't out for long. At first I was fine then I began to panic and ended up digging my nails into my skin and twanging my elastic bands. I was very irritable all day yesterday and I put it down to, or rather hoped it was because I was coming out of my low phase and going into a more upswing or manic phase.

However today, I started irritable and through one thing and another my mood is now back to feeling suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. I can't concentrate on anything and I just want to lie down and give up. I'm so tired of fighting this same battle.

We'd planned to go somewhere special today but with the weather being so nice we decided to go somewhere out doors instead. However T and Angel seemed on a major go slow and by the time we were ready to leave, we'd have only had an hour before we needed to come home, so we decided to stay home and play outside instead. It was nice but unfortunately I am now terrified of going out tomorrow after a quiet weekend, mostly in.

This morning I also realized that I need to go back to the dentist to have some little bits of work done. I'm not sure what's happening with one of the teeth but it looks very bad and like it might need removing. Why couldn't this have happened when I was coping better? It might have knocked me back but it wouldn't have sat on my head when I'm already down. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I'm not even sure how I will get through tomorrow. I guess it's just taking it a moment at a time, but even that seems hard when a moment feels like it lasts for an hour and the addiction gnaws at me and there isn't very much stopping me from taking that control.

So yeah, as you might have guessed, I'm in a shitty place right now, can't see the end of the tunnel yet, even when I do bother to look for it. I want to wallow in my depression and hurt. I am that self-centered.