Last night when T and Angel came home, I was so relieved and happy, yes I did cry a bit. It felt so odd and I felt completely displaced and confused by the change. But we got Angel to bed and watching her sleep and then just cuddling with T made my night. I went about unpacking all of their bags, doing the washing, the washing-up, tidying, animal feeding, mopping floors, and general cleaning and felt a lot better, a lot more grounded and more like my proper self.
Today has almost passed by in a blur. My meds seem to be knocking me out for longer and longer each morning which is irritating. Apart from waking from a nightmare for all of two minutes, I slept so deeply that I wasn't even aware when Angel woke up and T had to get her up and take her downstairs. I don't even remember waking up now, but obviously I must have. I vaguely remember T and Angel damn near poking and jumping on me to wake me. It's beginning to get to me now. I want to be awake and ready to go when Angel is, not three hours later going at snails speed. It's not at all like me and I hate that T has to do the morning stuff and the night wake-ups because I'm not even awake enough to register them. Bit pissed off with them right now, feel like a slave to them and over the next 4 days I HAVE to be up early because of T going to work. Tonight I'm trying an experiment, I have taken the meds early at half past 8 and I'm hoping that that might help me wake up in the morning without someone having to take a hammer to my head, however the downside is, if it does work, i'm getting tired already now which means I will lose a big portion of my night to them. Grrrr FFing Meds and i miss my manic phases *Stamps foot like a toddler*
Anyway today we wanted to of and do something as a family. T reminded me that the shopping hadn't been done because of them being away and we decided that we would go and do that. I took three quarters of lorazapam after the dreams I'd been having, more emetophobic ones as well as other nightmares. I was feeling quite unsure and wibbly, we arrived at the big supermarket and I just went inside, despite being terrified and being sure that I didn't feel very well in my tummy. I walked around and tried to do the list, and grabbing food but it was like I kept seeing things that bothered me. I twanged my elastic bands a little but I really went straight for my other wrist and used digging my nails in a distraction. I kept pushing and pushing until I finally began to relax, although I'm sure it was the lorazapam properly kicking in that calmed me. I as then able to push the trolley which was hurting T's knees (I'd chosen a wonky one) and concentrate on what I was doing as well as Angel. T then went to pay while I suggested I take Angel off on my own to look at toys and interesting things to keep her busy. I didn't panic, even though I didn't have the keys. I did realize though as we left that I was mega hungry and wanted anything to eat, guess that's what you get for only having 2 biscuits for breakfast then walking around lots. We went home via McDonalds and I had my own food, some of Angels and then some of T's. An hour later, I was then eating T's homemade chocolate cake, more biscuits and crisps. Then I had my dinner. Now I'm showered and over a strange bout of the shakes which I have no idea when they came from or why. I couldn't even hold cup properly.It wasn't too much sugar or caffeine because I haven't had much at all today.
T is in work all day tomorrow from an early time and I have Angel all day. I have a few ideas for things t do with her this week, whether I get them done I don't know the the ideas are there:
* Walk up to stay and play
* Go to Mothercare to get a few things we need
* Go to somewhere to get a frame for my new canvas
* And the usual posting letters.
I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for stay and play yet but the other things I have done before and the postbox isn't so much of a challenge anymore. On Wednesday I finally got the confidence together to book in a hairdresser to come and do my hair how I've wanted it for ages. I'm still dithering about whether to get it cut or not but I'm not dithering through panic or fear this time particularly (which is why I haven't had it done before now, sitting still to have anything done presses buttons with me) more than I'm worried I'll have it cut and won't like it. :S hmmm One day left to decide.
So tomorrow being the first day, I guess I will see how the evening goes and how awake I'm able to be in the morning and decide what to do then. oh yeah an it depends on the weather a little too. If I get up and it's all sunny and yay then I will be more inclined to want to go out in the sun and push myself harder. But then again if the weather isn't so good then there will be less people around.
I've been wanting to ask my friend if she'd like to try coming with me on my escapades sometimes but I'm still dithering about that too. She'll be reading this at some point anyway I think :) *waves, hello!*
I'm now going to stop worrying and answer my fan mail and then work on the doll that I'm making Angel.
Night night
xxx
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