Mountains

Today my goal was to take Angel to get the food for the fish which I didn't manage to do yesterday. It was absolutely piddling it down when we got up, but thankfully we have her waterproof coat now and the godsend of her waterproof suit. T went out early to take the car to the garage again to get it sorted and by the time he came back me and Angel were about ready to go out. I got her into the pram and when t went out to work a few minutes later we went out in the rain. We walked to the postbox and posted a letter as is the usual way to get my going, then we walked along the main road and up the hill past the doctors then cut through some streets to get to the row of shops we discovered a few weeks ago. One of the shops up there has a pet section so I thought that there was a good chance of finding the food there and for a good price. The two possible shops didn't have what we were looking for and I debated only a moment before walking along the main road from there, past the big park and into the edge of town where there is a Sainsburys. The nearer I got the more anxious I got despite the half a lorazapam. I didn't feel up to going to the shop further into town where I knew I'd be able to get the food for a lesser price so I settled with the Sainsburys, willing myself on when I was feeling VERY edgy and anxious. The food was there but at a stupid price and I stopped to think about whether I felt up to walking up to the other shop. I concluded no. So I got that food and we payed by self check-out then went, walking back home. I felt anxious most of the way back, but doing 4square check-ins on my phone and doing bridging helped me stay calmish. 


Once home, Angel and I dried off and I realized that part of my reason for being so wibbly was how hungry I was from barely having any breakfast then walking for ages. I made a hot cup of cappuccino and dipped biscuits in it until I was full, but then didn't fancy any lunch except a bit of an apple. 


My day has been tough after a dream about this whole Norfolk thing last night and the constant reminder that in just a few days.. no just a day now really T and Angel will be leaving me. I want to go and be with them so much, and I already hurt so how much will it hurt when I have to watch them leave? Part of me keeps saying you don't have to watch them leave, you can go with them. But I think it will break me right back down. Maybe a part of me wants to get broken, because I believe it will happen at some point anyway and this is a good reason for it. But if I stay here I can keep working on getting better, making myself go out still every day, it might be harder on my own but it will be a challenge and that is good for me. I've been helping T pack for him and Angel tonight and it's breaking my heart. But his mind is made up and he keeps telling me to stop torturing myself, but I can't. I keep thinking what clothes I' take, what food I'd take, my meds, and thinking I should pack for me too. It might seem to some like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill with this but it feels like a mountain to me.